My friend has got herself in a bit of a mess (sorry, little bit long)

[GiveMeStrength2day]

I'm posting this about a friend (with her knowledge). I'll try and include as much info as possible whilst omitting identifiable details.

Her 'D'P has anger management issues. He finds fault with everything she does - she can't do anything right in his eyes. They have one DC and my friend is (at his insistence) at SAHM. P insists everything is cooked from scratch and that dinner is on the table at the same time every night and if, for any reason, that doesn't happen he goes ballistic. He also has OCD tendencies with regard to house-cleaning (not that he actually does any cleaning!). He will verbally lay into my friend for the slightest thing. For example, he came across a (small toy belonging to the DC one day and because he didn't recognise it (it was a cheap thing that my friend had bought a while back) he shouted at her and said that she was a devious cow and that sort of thing. Another time the DC took a tumble in the garden - my friend was indoors and her P was in the garden and yet she was shouted at that it was her fault!! I could go on!

The P is also seriously obsessive about their bank account. He expects my friend to manage the finances (ok ordinarily fair enough) but also insists that they maintain a balance of £x thousands in a savings account. This is completely unfeasible/unrealistic given they have one (not fantastic) wage coming in. The savings account has dwindled down and down (to top up his wages) that when the day came and he asked how much was in there my friend panicked and lied. Then she did something really silly, she used an interest-free credit card and did a money transfer to top up the savings account! £thousands. She now makes minimum repayments using the weekly "pocket money" he allows her (meant for buying herself clothes and suchlike). She has offered (obviously not saying why) to get an evening supermarket job but the P said he was not prepared to commit to putting the DC to bed every evening!

She can't carry on like this - she is a nervous wreck. She is terrified of telling him and I can understand why. She's not sure if he would hit her (that hasn't been his MO up til now - just emotional bullying).

I hope I've explained this properly - it's hard to try and keep it brief. My advice to her is ultimately to leave him. The money is a red herring as his behaviour is vile now and he doesn't even know about the debt. There is equity in their house so they could sell it and she'll have to get herself a local job in order to get herself and the DC a little place. I've also suggested she speak to someone like Womens Aid.

Please let me have your thoughts. I'm happy to clarify anything I've missed.

She really does need professional advice on all this. WA, solicitor, CAB, the lot.

He doesn't have Anger Management Issues

SHE has a DOMESTIC ABUSE situation.

This man is a no hoper, he is a write off, tell her, please that many of us have been where she is and even though she didn't write the OP, it STILL made my stomach twist and knot with the fear I felt when I was living that way.

Please tell her that it will be OK, that she needs to protect herself and the DC and that there really ISN'T any other way out of this other than leaving him.

The comment re the Act. Bang on. He knows what he needed to pretend to be to reel her in.

Please help her to get away from this vile man, while she and the DC still have a chance to recover.

She sounds terrified and this is no way to live, not for her or not for her little one either, when he grows up he will see this behaviour and either be scared himself of upsetting Daddy or model the same.

She really needs to get help from Women's Aid and organizations who know how to help and can give good advice on how to get out safely and what to do next.

What a dreadful situation, you sound like a lovely friend. Thank god she has you.

My only other thought is that I wonder if he has been setting her up to fail with the finances. He knows the tightness of the budget and the likelihood that she will need to boost income with savings. He is watching and waiting for her to admit she can't make it work.

What a bastard.

DC is actually a DD and she's pretty frightened of him already . At 4yo she knows what sets Daddy off.

I'm very grateful for all your responses, support and suggestions as I'm the only friend my friend has told and I wasn't sure if I was giving her the right advice. I've texted her about the responses to the thread (as I said, she knew I was going to post) - I will be seeing her tomorrow so will let her have a read through. In the meantime though, please keep posting with your valued advice as it will all be helpful.

For your friend when she reads this - You deserve better! Your daughter deserves better! You sound too lovely to have to deal with this, look after yourself

If your friend cannot find the strength to leave for herself, PLEASE gether to leave for her DD. This man's abuse is guaranteeing a future of abusive relationships for that girl as an adult. Please point this out to her. By bending to his will, she is not shielding her daughter from his worst behaviour, she is training her to allow herself to be abused.

Oh, and please nix the Asperger's talk, it's a total red herring. One of my brothers has AS and is a total pussycat, rarely, if ever, loses his temper and is a great husband and father (if not the world's most sensitive). AS does not make you an abuser. Being a cunt, like this man, makes you an abuser.

Will definitely swerve her off the Aspergers scenario. I think it was P's DM trying to justify her son's behaviour IYSWIM.

There's only one thing worse than living with a cunt for years, and that's living with a cunt for years + a day.

Wouldn't surprise me at all if he's setting her up over the money thing. He sounds quite dangerous, just waiting for an excuse.

Take the money out of the savings account, pay off the credit card, get legal advice and get the hell out of there

what they all said ^^^

DC is actually a DD and she's pretty frightened of him already. At 4yo she knows what sets Daddy off

Jeez, give me strength GMS2d. What the fuck is your friend doing staying with a man her little dd is scared of?

This little girl is most probably already in need of psychological help to overcome the profound damage that is being done to her in her formative years.

It's time for your friend to put her little dd first and get her away from the toxic environment she's been forced to live in.

My son was 5 when his dad left.

This year he has been bullied and has has issues at school.

He gets upset when others don't follow rules, but does nothing when kids are (really godawfully) mean to him

He has learnt that the rules have to be obeyed, but it's OK for someone to be mean to him.

I have to work really hard, the school is working hard (mentoring etc) to encourage him to STAND up for himself.

He's 6, nearly 7. He's been free for a year, as have I, the legacy is harder to get over than you think. He grew up in an abusive environment and has learned the rules already. To undo them takes huge effort. EVery day that child is in that environment is at least a MONTH of constant effort to undo the harm.

Please tell her that she HAS to save her little girl, or she will end up watching her own daughter be abused as a woman. That is if she makes it through the inevitable depression, backlash, potential addiction risks.

I'm seeing my friend tomorrow. I will show her this thread and maybe it will spur her on.

Again, everyone's comments/advice on here is appreciated

aww, Hissy

for your little boy

Apologies Hissy I meant to say it sounds like you're doing a great job with your DS. Hope you yourself are in a better place too

Just coming back to this thread for an update.

My friend's P is currently working away Monday to Friday so in recent weeks it has only been weekends she's had to put up with him. In his case, absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder and every weekend he carries on with the criticism, control and mental torment. He will rant and rave at her about anything and everything and yet, this morning telephoned her all sweetness and light asking how she was. She said she's confused by it. I said it isn't confusing at all - it's a deliberate ploy make her doubt herself.

He's now started trying to bring DD into his "game" by trying to get her to whisper to him and say playground-style chants to my friend (eg. Mummy is a bossy boots, Mummy is a bossy boots). My friend has made it clear to DD that whispering and name-calling isn't acceptable - the DD is wise enough to believe Mummy rather than Daddy.

Obviously over the last few weeks my friend has not been able to repay the £10k debt. On Saturday P demanded she log into their savings account online so he could see the balance - she feigned internet problems and so he said that she MUST get it sorted by Friday (when he's back from working). I saw her this morning, I said that in my opinion Friday is her D-day. If she tells him the true account balance he will go ballistic - if she continues to feign internet problems he will go ballistic. At this point I said (in my inexpert opinion) she's going to have to say to him something along the lines of "I feel our relationship has run its course. I clearly don't make you happy* and, in turn, I'm very unhappy too".
[* the bit about her not making him happy is that she feels she does nothing right in his eyes]. I know she is very scared of what the future holds for her and DD but I pointed out that whatever happens it can't be too much worse than what she's going through now. If she needs to run though she knows she can come to my house.

For her part, my friend has been looking for a job but it can only be a (like gold-dust) term time post.

I've just called WomensAid on her behalf (her DD is very astute and my friend wouldn't want her to overhear any conversation) but had to left a voicemail message as there was nobody available to take my call. I just wanted to see what initial advice they could offer.

Anyway, just to say my friend has read my original thread and was overwhelmed and grateful for all the support shown to her. If anyone has any further advice, it would be most welcome

She has to leave.

Before she does that she needs to withdraw the money from the savings account and pay off that card. Then leave.

She needs to leave and asap. He will certainly destroy her emotionally, if not physically, in the end.

She certainly also needs to talk to Womens Aid; they can and will help her here.

Also longer term she going on their Freedom Programme course will help her immeasurably. Such abusive men can and do take YEARS to recover from (not least the effects that all this has and will have on her child too).

Another vote for leave as fast as she can. Sort the money issues later and get her to a decent solicitor. What an utter controlling abusive cunthound he sounds.

If it all goes nuclear on Friday and she ends up away from him, then she will also be saddled with the credit card debt but with no access to the savings account to pay it off. She MUST therefore clear it now, before he comes back. He will still go mad, but at least the debt is clear.

she has to leave.

I'm glad you're there for her and can offer her a safe place.

she's got 4 days to get her stuff together, get the money from the joint account onto the credit card and get to your house.

Start her doing it today

Just read this and I feel really scared for your friend.

IMO I think she should leave and not even bother trying to discuss their relationship. There isnt anything that she can say to him that will elicit a reasonable response, all that will happen is that it will make her situation worse - if that is at all possible - and may even make him violent.

I hope she gets out to somewhere where he cant find her :(

Agree with clam she needs to go to the savings account with her passport withdraw the money, go to the nearest bank and pay off the card. She can keep walking after that.

If she leaves with the credit card debt the credit card company will go after her & her alone. The courts won't be able to do anything about it as its under her name & her debt.

If he is away - she needs to make plans to leave asap.
He has started on her daughter - if he keeps doing this eventually she may lose her too. You sound amazing, such a support and well done for calling womens aid. Have you looked up about the freedom programme in your area, maybe she could go and visit? Why don't you start moving important documents eg. passports and items to your house for safe keeping. But I would get her out of there before telling him its over , as the minute she does that he will come home, segregate her from you and she will struggle to leave. Is there any support anyone here can give?