can you save a marriage on your own?

[Iforgotmyusername]

I've just been looking at this website
www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4501_enq.html
from another thread. It talks about how we have different needs that we need to have met in a marriage. It makes a lot of sense to me and I think that the problem that oh and I have is that we have very different needs and that he does not experience the ones that I feel and so is not prepared to meet them.

An example is the idea of spending time with one another alone - oh will not. Since we had the children we just spend time with them (at least one of them tends to be awake). Even sex doesn't happen as I can't relax with the idea that they may walk in on us. I have talked to oh about this but he still will not spend time alone with me. I want to talk to someone - bear my soul even - and listen to them but oh just wants us to do things together as a family. Has anyone managed to make this work? I am aware of the dangers of emotional affairs (and have no one in mind ) but I cannot see how I can carry on with no one to talk to. I know that in theory I could "make friends" but that is way harder in practice, as everyone is so busy.

I am probably not making sense here - I do not mean that I am looking for an affair - but I am desperately lonely and reading that website made me realise that this is because my particular emotional needs are not being met within my relationship and are not likely to be.

OK first of all, can't you fit a lock on your bedroom door, so that they can't actually come in?

And second of all, do you mean he doesn't want to spend any time alone with you, but would rather spend his time with the whole family? Doesn't he ever get tired of them and want some adult time?

we have a lock but they just push the door/bang/cry etc (youngest is only 6). He does not seem to need adult time - he works (from home) all day so I guess that he gets adult time then as kids are at school/kept out. He just doesn't want to spend time communicating with me.

The youngest is SIX and cries at the door?

Seriously, this is tough, but you need to explain to your DC that they have their time and you have yours. How your H deals with it is another issue.

My 6yo does sneak in to my bed at times, and this is typical, but I encourage him not to do it in the week, as it's important that we both sleep well, and that he knows that my bed is mine, my room too.

Children need boundaries. Adults need space, either for themselves or together.

You need to get DH and yourself out and have a life together, once a week or once every other week. You can't go on like this! You are not happy.

(((HUG)))

I was imaging you as having very very young little ones, but if your youngest is six, I think you should manage to get some time together. Does he go out on his own, meet friends, have hobbies? Have you explained to him how you feel?

you need to explain to your DC that they have their time and you have yours the problem is that oh will not back me up so it becomes a "mummy says daddy has to stop playing with you" kind of thing which I hate. Also the space thing gets me - there is no where in the house that they do not go so everything gets broken (they are not naughty, just normal cak handed kids). I would just love to have somewhere where I could put things that they cannot touch or even to have things of my own that they cannot use but oh makes me feel really selfish if I don't let them have everything.

Does he go out on his own, meet friends, have hobbies?

he cycles for an hour every day but has no friends or other hobbies (bar reading occasionally and watching TV). Sometimes he goes to watch football (3 or 4 times a year) but prefers to go on his own than with a friend (and so he has no friends as he will not do anything with them). I have wondered if he was slightly aspergers but he has no other traits - he has very good social skills, comes across as very popular etc, people at work want to spend time with him - they ask him to dos, lunch etc, try and get him to share hotels if they stay away with work, but he will not - just wants to spend all his time with the "family" ideally with my just being there and not talking much.

I don't see how you can save a marriage 'on your own'. I thought the whole point of marriage was that you are a partnership. Not just two people who happen to share a house. He should care that you want certain things. He ought to try and make sure you get them, even if he can't see the point. And you do the same for him.

Otherwise, what is the point?

And your last post is sad. He shouldn't be saying things like that to the children.

So, sorry I don't think you can save a marriage on your own, I think you both have got to want to save it. But sadly, it does only take one to destroy a marriage.

Forgot to add - I have tried to explain time and time again over the last 5 years (especially about having adult time together - I've tried arranging "dates" with one another, booking hotels for weekends away, getting babysitters etc but he just seems to see "adult time" with me thing as being too much like hard work and playing with the kids as far better. He gets really angry if I try to talk about this - says that I am never satisfied, that he has done housework all evening or similar (he hasn't but I can see that he thinks that he has as he often spends all evening being "just about to do the dishes") and that all I can do is complain. I try to explain that I want us to talk, cuddle etc but he doesn't so sees it as too much of an effort.

That is a difficult one, I say............
Ok, what about if you take one step back from him? If explaining how you feel did not do it, what about if you chase what you need? You see, he has everything he likes and need at home: wife, children, and even work. So he does not bother (because he does not need) to do anything else, as he is happy. So if you need adult time, a chat, a laugh, a glass of wine, space of your own, go and get it outside. Meet your friends out, for dinner, stay a weekend away, go to the cinema...... (that all done with FEMALE friends, because you do not want jealousy coming into this). When he finds himself without his wife, he will miss you, and then you will be back, all smiles, telling what a wonderful conversation you had, how good the film was. I would expect him to realize that if he wants his wife he has to go there where she is, that will be out there, being the one enjoying the things she likes. You see, instead of chasing him to try to get him out with you, make him chase you. Do you think that may work?

going out doesn't tend to work. We both work full time (both mainly from home) and so both need to help around the house. He does not like this (he would much rather I did not work - I do not earn anything like what he earns). But if I go out/spend time walking say, or with friends, then he really gets cross about helping around thsi house - will keep bringing it up (ie says that he should not have to do such an such as I went out last Saturday and have time to go out so should be doing the housework). I do point out that he cycles each day but then he just says that thsi is only an hour and so I can have an hour a day to do something (but obviously this isn't long enough to see friends). I did try saving up my hours for a while but he'd then make me account for them and it got too complicated. I can't see him agreeing to my having a weekend away (even if I had anyone to go with).

I feel you have some red flags here but I could be projecting based on my recent life. My STBEH was very similar - didnt particularly value people and friendships but became resentful if I went out/socialised without him. It was your mention of the "household tasks" not being done that rang a chord. Over time I slowly stopped doing most things, then when we had a DS my STBEH would do things with him (and lapped up the great Dad praise from everyone) but wouldnt do anything with me. I found out just over a year ago that he was having an affair and I kicked him out (eventually). I've done a lot of soul searching - I think families who do things together perhaps stay together - we did nothing together. We had no joint friends or friends in common - my ex's are mostly work colleagues - the friends have split to either side easily. I was terribly lonely in my marriage and hope that someday I will meet a nice chap that I enjoy doing things with! I am not sure you can save a marriage on your own. My ex took no emotional responsibility for the marriage, but belittled my efforts to do so. I'm not that happy yet but I will be!

This sounds a most unsatisfactory marriage for you and, if he's unwilling to meet you even a quarter of the way or let you get some satisfaction from having your need for adult conversation and company met elsewhere, I can't see how it can be saved.

He sounds manipulative and controlling and, if I were you, I'd be looking to end this unproductive and unfulfilling relationship asap.

My ex took no emotional responsibility for the marriage, but belittled my efforts to do so. that is true of mine too although I'd not really realised this until I read it. I am sure that he is not having an affair (he is not out long enough). I hope that you find lots of happiness soon - I'm sure that you will.

I have thought of ending the relationship but this seems very difficult and I am not sure that it is the right thing for me to do now. I think that I need to build up more of a life. At the moment all I have is work and my relationship. I think that this is partly because oh makes it so hard for me to do anything. But if I were not with him then the children would make it equally hard as I'd have no childcare (and he would not facilitate my going out by looking after them when it was possible for me to go out).

So sad for you :(

The make him chase you suggestion seemed like a v good suggestion, but sadly it seems like he won't chase you

Why is he so resentful?! Holds hours against you? Uses the kids against you? He is trying to score points? Is he threatened by your social skills? That you can go out and make friends and have a life....and leave him? Are his only friends the kids?

I thought both your username and aspects of your story looked familiar, so I did a search. You're the one with the H who thinks that you are basically a household appliance, he really doesn't like the idea of you being a human being in need of attention and stimulation. As far as he's concerned, you exist to do the housework and look after the kids, because you are a woman and the idea of you having or wanting any kind of existence outside that upsets him. He thinks his cock will fall off if he has to consider you as a human being.

No, you can't save this marriage. Because what he wants is a combination of pet and servant, and what you want is the respect every human being is entitled to.

Why is he so resentful? I have thought about this a lot. I think that he feels conned by life. He is a reasonably high earner, worked hard at school and uni etc and got a good job. I think that he feels that he now deserves to be looked after by a Stepford wife type and resents the fact that I am not like that. He wants me to be happy looking after him. Most of the women around here (rural village - a bit like Stepford ) do not work or work very part time. I think that he feels like he has got stuck with an ungrateful so and so who insists on working all hours for a pittance (actually I throw myself into my work to avoid thinking about my relationship and have done for a couple of years now) and who can't be bothered to do more house work. I have suggested a cleaner but he says that he doesn't want a stranger in the house (and doesn't want a stranger looking after the kids so no child care etc etc)

Why are you with him?

If you won't leave this (hellish) relationship then at least you could start building the life you want despite it. Go out and do your thing and ignore/brush off his moans. Not sure what you can be getting from being with him, though.

I find your posts incredibly sad - it must be soul-destroying to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't ever want to spend time with you on your own. It really doesn't sound like he sees you as a person at all. As for not allowing you to have a cleaner or any childcare... words fail me. You do realise this isn't normal?

You say "I did try saving up my hours for a while but he'd then make me account for them and it got too complicated." I'm sorry, but WTAF? I think SGB is spot on with this one. I'd also think very carefully about the lessons you are teaching your children by staying with a man who treats you like this.

If you divorce then he will have to take the children for various weekends (unless he cuts himself out of their lives) so you would have child free time to yourself. You could also organize baby sitters or swap time out with other parents.

Tbh the marriage sounds horrible. He wants it all on his terms and is isolating you from any other life. He wants to keep you all to himself but doesn't want to be around you. Horrible, horrible, horrible.

Accounting for your hours? Having to save up your free hours so you can go out?

You would be soooo much happier alone. Honestly. He doesn't give you companionship, won't let you form other friendships, won't listen to your worries, doesn't give a shit about how you feel and, frankly, doesn't side like a very nice person.

Why stay?

What Wilding and SGB said. I think every relationship is like a journey taken in a 2 crew rowing boat. It needs both of you to participate and row to be able to go somewhere including meeting needs. One of you can stop rowing for a while and the other can use previous momentum and row like crazy themselves to keep it going for a very short while. However, ultimately it needs 2 of you to paddle and you can't do it alone.

This metaphor is important to me as it helped me leave an ex as it dawned on me our relationship was dead as he had long thrown his sticks overboard and had become a passenger while I furiously paddled away not noticing. Hope it helps you. Good luck.

Oh and sgb is bang on right about this.

My kids and step kids have to knock and wait for a response before they come In to our room. Not just cos we might be having sex but also because the bedroom is the one place in the house that is ours and ours alone.
Whilst I wouldn't want my kids to hear me having sex- I doubt at 6 years of age try would know what you were doing.

Don't your kids ever sleep?! They must be asleep when you're awake at some point? I'm sure you don't want to have sex with him anyway. I think you need to start really standing up to him. It will be a catalyst & there will be some explosions as a result but this can't go on. He has no right to say you CAN'T go out or CAN'T get a life of your own. Join a gym, go to zumba, join a community choir, the WI, anything to start making friends so you are not so isolated. While he is on his one hour a day cycle ride, do all the "housework" so he can't use that as an excuse that you can't go out. (Pandering to him I know but just trying to shut him the fuck up!) Tell him you are having an hour a day me time too & you don't need his permission. If he doesn't want to do things as a couple that's up to him but you're going to have a social life & that's that.

Is there a chance he could be gay?