can you save a marriage on your own?

[Iforgotmyusername]

I've just been looking at this website
www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4501_enq.html
from another thread. It talks about how we have different needs that we need to have met in a marriage. It makes a lot of sense to me and I think that the problem that oh and I have is that we have very different needs and that he does not experience the ones that I feel and so is not prepared to meet them.

An example is the idea of spending time with one another alone - oh will not. Since we had the children we just spend time with them (at least one of them tends to be awake). Even sex doesn't happen as I can't relax with the idea that they may walk in on us. I have talked to oh about this but he still will not spend time alone with me. I want to talk to someone - bear my soul even - and listen to them but oh just wants us to do things together as a family. Has anyone managed to make this work? I am aware of the dangers of emotional affairs (and have no one in mind ) but I cannot see how I can carry on with no one to talk to. I know that in theory I could "make friends" but that is way harder in practice, as everyone is so busy.

I am probably not making sense here - I do not mean that I am looking for an affair - but I am desperately lonely and reading that website made me realise that this is because my particular emotional needs are not being met within my relationship and are not likely to be.

Your partner is ana abusive man

You would improve your children's lives by not demonstrating on a daily basis that abuse within a relationship is acceptable

I you think he will hit you if you question him, then there is no relationship

What are you hanging on for ? If it purely fear, there are agencies that can help you. If it's because you hope for change, that is futile. If you are staying for the dc, you are making a huge mistake.

Sadly, it is actually very likely indeed that this man will start hitting you soon, if he hasn't already done so (is there any 'accidental' physical abuse of you, stuff like treading on your toes, bumping into you, shutting cupboard doors on your fingers, dropping things so that they hit you?) He is a horrible, seriously dysfunctional man who HATES WOMEN. This is a problem you can't overcome. He really, really thinks that you are subhuman and exist only to service him, and is going to escalate to violence purely to 'conquer' you and 'teach you your role in life'.
THe only thing to do is get rid. He won't get custody, he will have to pay maintenance and if necessary you will be able to get court orders to keep him away from you if he begins to stalk. Have a word with Women's Aid, and remember he's full of shit. He is NOT your owner and does not have to be obeyed, not ever, not at all.

Call Women's Aid please. They can give you some advice & practical help if necessary. This is domestic abuse (he doesn't have to hit you for it to be abuse). But if he does hit you call 999 the FIRST time. He will be removed not you. He will be in the B&B (or the cells) not you.

I think that he feels conned by life. He is a reasonably high earner, worked hard at school and uni etc and got a good job. I think that he feels that he now deserves to be looked after by a Stepford wife type and resents the fact that I am not like that. He wants me to be happy looking after him

Are you me, and are you married to my exH? This is exactly what my life was like about five years ago. When I ended it, he told me I had ruined his life. It was like he had a ticklist re job, house, car, kids, wife, holidays etc and I was just part of the inventory.

If you left him, he wouldn't miss you as an individual, he would miss having someone to fill that role you had vacated.

He feels conned by life? Fucking diddums. He's like those tragic losers who join the BNP because they want to go back to a world where the darkies Knew Their Place. His attitude is really, really disgusting, OP. And dangerous. People who consider a whole category of human beings to be not, actually, human at all are defective people.

You are the one that has been conned, OP

You have been conned out of a life free from abuse. That is one fucking awful thing he has done to you.

I'm actually quite worried about you OP!

Op, I really think you need to consider leaving him? There doesn't seem to be any room for your opinion in this relationship and the fact you think hit you is an awful sign.

midwife I think lots of MN posters have been very worried about Op for a very long time

I haven't read any of OP's other posts to get a background but the information in this one is enough to send a shiver down my spine. Hope you're ok OP.