Is this an over inflated sense of entitlement?

[InflatedSenseOfEntitlement]

I started putting this in AIBU, but thought it might be better here. I have name-changed as I intend to show DH this thread.

Dh told me tonight that he was discussing his recent purchase of an I Mac with a colleague. Apparently the colleague has bought the bigger one (at £1400), whereas he got the one at £1000. He told his colleague that 'he wasn't allowed to buy the bigger one'.

I corrected him, in that when we went to the shop to look at them, we both discussed that we thought for the 27.5 inch version, the screen was too big, and that it wasn't worth the extra £400. DH disputes this version of events, he resentfully said that that wasn't the case, and I wouldn't allow him to buy the bigger one.

I know that this is not the case. In any event, I reckon he is doing pretty well. DH had asked me to go and just look at them, yet we managed to walk out with a new Mac. This is on top of the computer (ok, it's knackered), laptop, Ipad and Ipod that we already have. He seems to think he is entitled to buy these, because he earns more than me.

Whilst it is true that he earns more, (although not always - when we met we earned similar amounts), we have always had completely joint finances, and discuss when we plan to make bigger purchases. In this context, DH has refused to let me spend £200 on a new fence which would improve our privacy, and prevent me from having to look up my neighbour's dressing gown when he is eating breakfast.

I work part-time to look after the DC so don't earn as much, although I injected £125k to the family finances last year by releasing some personal capital.

I know as a family income, we earn substantially more than a lot of other people, and I recognise how fortunate we are financially. This thread isn't designed to boast by stealth, and I don't intend to be insensitive to those who are struggling financially.

I just think DH is being a spoilt brat. I am also annoyed that he is complaining to his work colleagues about our family finances and painting me as the villain. Whilst DH can be lovely at times, when he behaves like this I really wonder why I am married to him.

I have on occasion told colleagues that DH won't let me buy shoes/sparkly tat/any other random crap I happen to fancy. Generally what I mean is that I could sense that he strongly disapproved of it, so based my decision off that.

It seems a bit mountain/molehill to me.

I don't think all finances should be pooled. I wouldn't tell him not too although I would hope he would be sensible. Making all decisions joint can be problematic, why did you have to ask him if you could get a new fence?

just buy the fence, never mind what he says.

It's so icky when people pretend that their spouses won't let them do certain things.

It makes them sound ridiculous.

After an injection of £125k into the pot, I'd sure as shit feel entitled to a £200 fence for privacy.

Because there's nothing really wrong with our current fence - it's not rickety, it's just too low, and we look directly into the neighbour's kitchen, at crotch level.

Clytaemnestra - it was the whining resentment in my DH's voice that really got to me, and his re-writing of the event in his head, which portrayed him as the victim which really got to me. You are possibly right, but his attitude still annoys me.

the repetition of 'really got to me' sort of gives it away.

Maybe a little more financial freedom wouldn't hurt, seeing as you are comfortable financially.

Can I just ask you - this injection of cash into the joint account - does that make you even in terms of financial contribution?

In any case I'd buy the bloody fence. He will benefit from it too. He's had what he wants (or what he said he wanted) and you can have that.

For god's sake he is a controlling man!

If I were you I'd be seriously hacked off, as you sound. He's taking the piss and making you sound like some sort of tight-fisted harpy. Bill him for the childcare and housework your PT work provides, use the money to get a new fence.

imperial, sounds like there's too much control on both sides? Just because you are a couple, doesn't mean you can't behave individually sometimes and yes just buy the fence if you feel it will be beneficial to you.

You do get the irony of 'he won't let me buy a fence' surely?
If its joint money and you can afford,why ask? if it has have been me I would have said, i want more privacy so i am going to...
Informed him but not asked. If you have to ask its not really joint is it?
Anyway, its a crap excuse. Makes the person saying sound like a child and the partner sound like the mean panto villian.

Eclectic - perhaps you are right. We don't consult on everything - we wouldn't discuss buying things like clothes, although we have similar spending habits for those. I suspect though, that if we set up separate accounts for spending on things we want, I would end up buying fences, which I don't view as a luxury, whereas DH would spend it all on gadgets.

Good idea, joint account for home and separate for yourselves. Much easier like that.

If you're pretty comfortable and he really wanted the bigger one why didn't you get it?

And £200 for fencing? That's very reasonable indeed - I know thats not the point but we're getting fencing done and lordy its expensive.

TBH you are both sounding a bit passive-aggressive. Why do you want to show him the thread?

I would go in at 'so it sounds like you weren't happy with the decision we made to buy the smaller iMac. What is that about?' and go from there.

It's a variation of the 'mine's bigger than yours' crap that the male of the species engages in and your dh has fallen for it hook, line, and sinker.

As for saying that you 'wouldn't let him' buy the bigger screen (which, incidentally, is not worth an extra £400 unless it will be constantly in use by a professional or for use by an individual with a sight defect), he's made himself out to be even more inadequate by admitting he's got a miniscule dick version because his mummy wouldn't let him have a big one.

When injecting £125k of your 'personal capital' into the family pot, I'm amazed that you didn't set aside a measly £200 for a fence to spare your neighbour's blushes.

I would suggest that you utilise the £400 saving you jointly decided to make on the purchase of the iMac to buy the fence and spend the remainder on a good night out for the pair of you, or a good day out out for the whole family.

And tell him to stop whinging - there's nothing more tedious, or more offputting to good sex harmonious relations, than listening to a whiner drone on about how hard done by they are.

We didn't get the bigger one, because we discussed that we thought the screen would be too big for the kitchen, and that it wasn't worth the extra money. It was very much a joint discussion and agreement at the time. He is now changing this to say that it was my decision.

MrInflated, whining to your friend that you weren't allowed to buy something is a very unattractive trait, PARTICULARLY when you then refuse to allow your wife to buy a fence which would mean she didn't have to outstare your neighbour's crotch every morning.

Get a grip. If you'd wanted to spend the extra £400 you should have stated that clearly. If you didn't, you shouldn't whine.

Eclectic - in which way is the OP controlling?

Well sounds like he's just doing the classic thing of putting the blame on you which is annoying and stupid.

Get him to take the imac back and exchange it, poor dear.

Meanwhile get the fence sorted.

I think the reason why I haven't just got the fence anyway, is that it is moving away from the principles we discussed when we first got married - that we would always discuss any spending on bigger items and agree them jointly. I think that if I am the one to break this principle, then my DH will see this as free reign to buy gadgets galore and spend like mad.

It's not really fence v mac - it was the sense of self-pity that annoyed me, and when I thought about recent discussions about the bloody fence, it somehow made it worse.

Yes, we are comfortable, but we are still careful with money. Even just writing this makes me realise that I am probably more careful than DH, as when I was growing up, my Dad left, with everything, and left my Mum and all my siblings in extreme hardship.

I probably need to reflect about whether I am controlling. Having said that, if we are discussing whether to buy something DH wants, he always points out that we earn loads, yet when it is something I want to get, he says 'ooh, that's quite a lot of money' even when it is a fraction of what he spends on himself (although we have all benefitted from the mac, but I could have lived without it).

This thread isn't designed to boast by stealth

JubileeJulie, I take it from your that you think otherwise?