Is this an over inflated sense of entitlement?

[InflatedSenseOfEntitlement]

I started putting this in AIBU, but thought it might be better here. I have name-changed as I intend to show DH this thread.

Dh told me tonight that he was discussing his recent purchase of an I Mac with a colleague. Apparently the colleague has bought the bigger one (at £1400), whereas he got the one at £1000. He told his colleague that 'he wasn't allowed to buy the bigger one'.

I corrected him, in that when we went to the shop to look at them, we both discussed that we thought for the 27.5 inch version, the screen was too big, and that it wasn't worth the extra £400. DH disputes this version of events, he resentfully said that that wasn't the case, and I wouldn't allow him to buy the bigger one.

I know that this is not the case. In any event, I reckon he is doing pretty well. DH had asked me to go and just look at them, yet we managed to walk out with a new Mac. This is on top of the computer (ok, it's knackered), laptop, Ipad and Ipod that we already have. He seems to think he is entitled to buy these, because he earns more than me.

Whilst it is true that he earns more, (although not always - when we met we earned similar amounts), we have always had completely joint finances, and discuss when we plan to make bigger purchases. In this context, DH has refused to let me spend £200 on a new fence which would improve our privacy, and prevent me from having to look up my neighbour's dressing gown when he is eating breakfast.

I work part-time to look after the DC so don't earn as much, although I injected £125k to the family finances last year by releasing some personal capital.

I know as a family income, we earn substantially more than a lot of other people, and I recognise how fortunate we are financially. This thread isn't designed to boast by stealth, and I don't intend to be insensitive to those who are struggling financially.

I just think DH is being a spoilt brat. I am also annoyed that he is complaining to his work colleagues about our family finances and painting me as the villain. Whilst DH can be lovely at times, when he behaves like this I really wonder why I am married to him.

She didn't "let him have it" because it wasn't a letting have situation in the first place!!! They decided together to get it!! And the size!! FFS!!

what Herena says.

just let him say whatever he wants about the blasted mac and ignore.

get the fence.

don't be a fence-martyr!

I wonder if you asked him about the conversation that you had about getting a new fence if he would say "We talked about it and we decided that it was a perfectly servicable fence and so we weren't going to get another one." while in your head the conversation actually was him saying you can't get a new fence and it was all his decision?

Do you think the same thing could have happened with the mac? So you think you had a reasonable discussion and decided mutually to get the smaller one, while he thinks that you kept raising objections (it's too big, it doesn't fit, it's too expensive) until he said "suppose you're right, let's get the smaller one" but if he'd been on his own in the shop he would have 100% bought the bigger one, same way you would buy the fence?

OP tell DH looking at neighbour's crotch every morning is tempting you to have an affair with him - see how fast the fence goes up!

Seriously though, just say look love, I don't know why you want your mate to think your wife is a bitch & you are henpecked. It makes us both look bad doesn't it? Also that you'd like to discuss the need for the fence again as adults.

I like Clytae's POV though! The idea that you both had a different experience of both conversations! I reckon this happens all the time in my house!

This is silly. He's stamping his feet because another boy has a bigger toy than him, and wants to take it out on his mummy - just ignore him, he is being ridiculous.

Buy the fence if you want to.

Jeezo, talk about looking for problems. You're annoyed because of some meaningless banter in the workplace?

You bought the thing together and you're both happy with it, what's the issue?

I can't believe that some people are suggesting counselling. There is no problem here that I can see.

OP, buy the fence. Move on.

Personal capital. How delightful. :)

Screen size! Pah! Am so sick of this - our builder kept trying to tell us, "what you want is one of those 60" screens on that wall," Er, no, I'd rather chew my own arm off than have something that size in my house.

It's small willy syndrome, I reckon. The bigger the screen/car/briefcase/whatever, the smaller the willy.

I have had a discussion with DH.

At the risk of drip feeding, this isn't the only example of him casting me as the villain to friends, family and colleagues. He regularly tells the story about how I got him to get rid of his dog when we first got together (not true - his mother was looking after the dog, his DSis said 'if you keep that dog you will never see your grandchildren', so his mother got rid of the dog - nothing to do with me at all, but never let the the truth get in the way of casting your wife as a panto villain). He also adores regaling people about the time I tripped (worse for wear) and ended up with blood pouring out of my face - hilarious! It wasn't my finest moment, but he insists on telling everyone, including my mother, despite me asking him not to.

I've been thinking really hard about our circle of friends, and their reactions when he tells these stories, and if they behave in similar ways. Usually when this 'banter' is happening, our friends might chuckle a bit, but they also look a bit embarrassed. I can't think of a single occasion when any of them have told similar stories about their spouse. Nor is it something I do to DH.

I can however think of an old uni mate of DH's who always has some embarrassing story to tell about my DH in his uni days - times he vomitted over balconies on holidays and such forth. My DH laughs at the time, but hates it, and has told me he has no respect for his 'friend' and thinks he is an inadequate dick. I don't have a great opinion of him either.

This was the vein of our discussion this morning, and when I asked him how he feels when his uni mates is trying to put him down to make himself look better, I think the penny dropped. He has apologised for portraying me as the bad guy to his colleague, but tbh, my DH finds it quite easy to say sorry. Whether it will make any difference, only time will tell, but I do think it could be a sign of his underlying attitude towards me.

I said upthread that this isn't really an issue of fence v mac, they are only examples. I think we need to have a really fundamental talk about respect, other people's feelings, working as a team, and finances.

I think you're right - good luck.

Hi inflated, I know exactly what you mean. Pm me if you can as I see I can't send you a message with your name change!

^So call him on it. Say, "You're saying I wouldn't let you buy it. Don't you remember the conversation in the shop? We discussed a, b and c and agreed d. Both of us. Which part of that have you translated to mean I "wouldn't let you" buy it?"
And if he whinges that he didn't get to say what he really wanted, tell him he's a grown man and you are not responsible for how he speaks up for himself.
But the chances are he's just playing the part of downtrodden male, with 'er indoors being in charge. Tell him that pisses you off and you'd rather he jacked it in.^
Clam, I agree entirely with that. Inflated, it would piss me off too if my DP told someone I ?wouldn?t let? him do something if that wasn't the case. Makes the woman look like a controlling bitch.

Why would he want a computer to be bigger anyway? I thought the point of a laptop was that you could carry it around.

Also, you know what, when I first started living with OH and we were finding our way around how much say we had in each other's spending habits I used to complain a bit about him 'not letting me' buy makeup and stuff. That's because binge-buying things like that had for about the past year been my way of dealing with stress, I was struggling to control it and he was telling me I didn't need the stuff. He wouldn't even have noticed that I'd sprouted a couple of extra eyeshadows if I hadn't discussed it with him. (Yes, a computer and fence are harder to sneak past your partner, but it could be a similar principle)

That sound positive OP. I think if it happens again it's also worth mentioning his friends' reactions when he regails a story showing you in a bad light. A bit of a cringe works wonders in modifying one's behaviour.