Is this an over inflated sense of entitlement?

[InflatedSenseOfEntitlement]

I started putting this in AIBU, but thought it might be better here. I have name-changed as I intend to show DH this thread.

Dh told me tonight that he was discussing his recent purchase of an I Mac with a colleague. Apparently the colleague has bought the bigger one (at £1400), whereas he got the one at £1000. He told his colleague that 'he wasn't allowed to buy the bigger one'.

I corrected him, in that when we went to the shop to look at them, we both discussed that we thought for the 27.5 inch version, the screen was too big, and that it wasn't worth the extra £400. DH disputes this version of events, he resentfully said that that wasn't the case, and I wouldn't allow him to buy the bigger one.

I know that this is not the case. In any event, I reckon he is doing pretty well. DH had asked me to go and just look at them, yet we managed to walk out with a new Mac. This is on top of the computer (ok, it's knackered), laptop, Ipad and Ipod that we already have. He seems to think he is entitled to buy these, because he earns more than me.

Whilst it is true that he earns more, (although not always - when we met we earned similar amounts), we have always had completely joint finances, and discuss when we plan to make bigger purchases. In this context, DH has refused to let me spend £200 on a new fence which would improve our privacy, and prevent me from having to look up my neighbour's dressing gown when he is eating breakfast.

I work part-time to look after the DC so don't earn as much, although I injected £125k to the family finances last year by releasing some personal capital.

I know as a family income, we earn substantially more than a lot of other people, and I recognise how fortunate we are financially. This thread isn't designed to boast by stealth, and I don't intend to be insensitive to those who are struggling financially.

I just think DH is being a spoilt brat. I am also annoyed that he is complaining to his work colleagues about our family finances and painting me as the villain. Whilst DH can be lovely at times, when he behaves like this I really wonder why I am married to him.

Can't you perhaps raise the bar on what you can each spend before it has to be discussed? Am guessing your financial situation is pretty different now to what it was when you first got married.

Not that I'm excusing his petulance.

Compared to what he bought the fence you want is not a large purchase, it's also a home improvement so that puts his opinion into the 'go fuck yourself I'm buying it anyway' catagory.

Yes your DH is being an arse, he also owes you an apology for making you seem like the wicked witch of the west to his colleague.

He said no to a fence that will gain your family extra privacy and then goes out and spends a grand on a toy for himself. He's lucky he ain't my hubby because that Mac would have hit him upside of the head. Cheeky git.

It's a fence.

It's two hundred quid.

For heavens' sake just go and buy the thing.

Fence = necessity
Obvious innit

Huge fucking great computer = not so much of a necessity
And you know what, even if you had zilch cash he'd still want all this shit
Don't get me wrong I love a good gadget. But last year DH and I had a few conversations during which I was right about what a pointless waste of time gadget X would be. So he got his dad to get it for him for xmas. Then we had the same thing all over again for his birthday.
So
Um
Get the fence
Tell him not to be so silly about the computer
Have some
Start over?

While I have been online (NOT the Mac, one of our many other devices!), I have been browsing through the relationships topic. Whilst my DH can be really annoying, I think it is fair to say that my problems are miniscule compared to some other people.

Suitably chastened.

DH is still a knob though, but not the worst.

So call him on it. Say, "You're saying I wouldn't let you buy it. Don't you remember the conversation in the shop? We discussed a, b and c and agreed d. Both of us. Which part of that have you translated to mean I "wouldn't let you" buy it?"
And if he whinges that he didn't get to say what he really wanted, tell him he's a grown man and you are not responsible for how he speaks up for himself.
But the chances are he's just playing the part of downtrodden male, with 'er indoors being in charge. Tell him that pisses you off and you'd rather he jacked it in.

If he really wanted the bigger screen he should have got it and you should get the fence. Bickering over money when you don't need to is very strange.

are you sure that he is not playing games - my oh does this a lot - he says that he is "not allowed" to do something which actually he does not want to do but can't quite admit this even to himself. It took me ages to spot it - I thought that I was stopping him ( by expressing disapproval in some way) but suspected for a while and caught him at it recently. He also does the opposite - ie when he does want something he suggests that I want it, and talks me into buying it and so can say that we only have such and such because I want it.

So buying the mac was a joint decision but the fence wasn't. Maybe he has interpreted the buying of the computer the same way you are interpreting the fence? Making joint decisions is all well and good, especially if you are skint. But, how I read this, is you agree to his purchases but he doesn't agree to yours.

I know exactly what you mean and I cannot stand it. I have learned in my old age and long marriage that sense of entitlement is what gets me the most.

I also had an upbringing where for large parts of it we weren't particularly well off and had to really scrape through. Fortunes changed later but I've always been particularly grateful for the good things life has put my way.

When others behave in a way that they feel that just by walking on earth they deserve the best, the biggest and the greatest it does my head in.

What sort of upbringing did your dh have? I have known and lived with people like that - unfortunately quite often their self worth is tied to being able to buy the best and biggest and have nice things and when they can't, they moan and whine and need to blame someone else.

If he had said to the man at work " I only wanted the smaller one" it would have been like getting their penises out to confirm his was tiny compared to the other mans. He couldn't do that so somehow he had to come up with a new version which was less emasculating.

As for the fence, I think you need to talk about where your priorities are with money and discuss his different attitudes to spending on gadgets vs spending on the house. However, you probably also have different spending priorities so it needs to be 2 way and non defensive. He may not have realised how different his attitudes are.

Yes my DH makes excuses to friends if he doesn't want to go somewhere he can't because I am away or working. He doesn't say I won't let him but it makes it sound like I'm constantly off partying while the poor lamb looks after DCs! In terms of money we have always had separate finances which is because of previous bad experiences with exes emptying joint accounts & bouncing mortgages etc! As a result we never argue about money & pay half each for basics & he pays for all the extras & treats as he earns more than me.

I can't stand blokes who feel the need to compare willy computer/car/other gadget size and then blame the wife/girlfriend if they feel they've been outdone. How utterly puerile. The sane thing for him to have done would have been to say to his colleague - "oh yes, DW and I thought about getting that one but then decided that the extra £400 for a larger screen than we needed was a waste of money for us". Why is that so hard for him to have done? instead of all this posturing and whining like a little boy.

As for the fence - just get it. It's not a personal item, it's a household item and would probably add to the value of your home. Problem solved.

I wouldn't show him the thread. If you want to talk to him, talk to him. Sounds like you could do with having a general chat about finances anyhow.

Not really getting the sense of entitlement thing. It doesn't sound like he would be depriving the family of anything if he spent the extra £400 so why not?

Forget all the willy waving and whining.

For me, the sense of entitlement because he earns more than you is what would make me bloody furious!

You are a unit, a team. He works FT and makes more dosh, you work PT and look after the kids - you both facilitate each other. Utterly irrelevant which one of you is main breadwinner. It's revolting when one spouse secretly thinks they are entitled to more toys because they earn more.

Lizza - I get the impression OP thinks this entitled attitude is behind his sulkiness ie 'I make more money so I should be able to spend more on stuff I want'.

Not everything has to be scrupulously democratically purchased (I'm sure my dh does not derive much value from my MiuMiu handbag!) but you both surely have to be ok with each other's choices and see it as an even spending field no matter which one is earning more.

Totally agree with Thumbwitch. I bet he was perfectly happy with the blasted thing (and so he should be ..) until it transpired a colleague had a "bigger" and (in the eyes of pathetic men-boys) better version. I very much doubt that he'd be complaining about not being "allowed" the bigger model if the conversation at work had never taken place. Which shows how ridiculous the whole thing is.

There's a certain breed of "man" who is very immature and insecure and can't stand by their own decisions if challenged (usually by another "man"). They seem to think it isn't manly/macho or whatever to admit they've done a sensible thing when there are bigger/faster/riskier/more expensive/more irresponsible options to be had .... the implication being that a real man would quite obviously (hmmm) always go for the most reckless choice. So ..... when turning down - for example - a stag "weekend" which is actually 5 days, because it uses up precious annual leave, and because it's expensive and the family aren't having a holiday this year (again), instead of explaining all this, it's far far easier to "blame" the missus and claim they weren't "allowed" to go. When in fact, as with the iMac, the situation had been discussed and the man involved had reached his own conclusions - though clearly doesn't have the courage of his own convictions.

Sadly .... this passing the buck thing is something I've seen a lot of. Both personally, and also from colleagues/friends. Many men seem incapable of taking responsibility for their own decisions if they risk looking "unmanly", whereas I don't think I've ever seen a woman blame her OH for not being able to do something. There's this whole nudge-nudge, wink-wink, under-the-thumb thing going on which elicits sympathy from "the lads" whereas a straightforward "no", with good reasons, apparently isn't good enough.

Catsmother you've hit the nail on the head! It's truly pathetic! We are being set up to look like Les Dawsonesque bints!

It's not specifically finances, and it's not specifically the way he portrays you to his colleague. It's the way you are being steamrollered here that would get my goat. He is not being a team player.

I suggest counselling for you both. He needs to figure out why he thinks he is entitled to treat you badly and speak badly of you, and whether this makes him feel good about himself, why he feels the need to rub your face in the fact that he makes more than you do and in doing so disrespect your role in the family, and if feels so sorry for himself and scared of all the financial responsibility on his shoulders that he thinks he needs the excitement and reassurance of new toys that are bigger than the other boys' in order to make him feel like some sort of manly big shot.

And while we're on the subject of manly bigshots, tell him that you don't want the fence any more because you've started really enjoying ogling your neighbours bulging crotch every morning.

the mac is a toy, and you aret letting the child in him have the toy he wants. The fence in no way compares. If you must compare, then you need to compare toys that you want, shoes, jewellry makeup etc will do.

personally i dont understand why you wouldnt let him have it. sounds like he earns enough and it wont affect your daily lives negatively, so why cant he have something like this that makes him happy?

"I don't think I've ever seen a woman blame her OH for not being able to do something."

Gosh really? I've seen that far more often. Usually about nights out . . . they don't want to go so they say their DH "won't let them" < girly giggle> It often worries me as some men DON'T allow their partners to go out, and women claiming this is the case for them, when it isn't, make it seem normal when it is not.

"personally i dont understand why you wouldnt let him have it. sounds like he earns enough and it wont affect your daily lives negatively, so why cant he have something like this that makes him happy?"

It's not a case of the OP "not letting him have it" though, is it? They discussed it between themselves and both decided not to spend the extra £400 at the time. Now he's rewriting history to save face with his buddy and saying that it's the OP's fault that he got the cheaper one, which is a lie.

If it weren't for the fact that the op's husband has rewritten history in his head, I wouldn't think that his 'blaming' her over iMac selection was a big deal in this case.

He and his colleague were comparing devices which differed in the matter of screen size, so if the DH wanted to be honest about why he'd chosen the smaller one then he'd have been obviously criticising the one his colleague bought. Now he might have felt that to do that would be rude and so opted for the 'it's out of my hands' defense. My DH and I both do this to each other occasionally - the difference is that when challenged on it we both freely admit that it was a social nicety and that our original opinions remain unchanged.

However, the op's DH does appear to now believe his own lie... that does make him a bit of an arse IMO.

I'd buy the fence op :)

personally i dont understand why you wouldnt let him have it. sounds like he earns enough and it wont affect your daily lives negatively, so why cant he have something like this that makes him happy?

Errr.....because he didnt want it?!

Have you actually read the thread Confused? Talk about an apt name....