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Relationships

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Original poster

Parents of older children- or anyone really- secretive son.

61 replies

ILoveMaltesers · 06/06/2012 18:08

I just wanted to ask for opinions.
My son is almost 26. We used to have a terrible relationship when he lived at home. However, since he has moved out, into his own place, we get on much better and he is keeping in touch much more often- phones most days for a chat.

One thing though- he has never said anything over the years about girl friends. He didn't have a steady girlfriend when he was at school, just went around with a mixed crowd, then he was at uni for 4 years so we had no idea what he got up to!

He did tell DH over a beer that he would like to settle down and have kids by the time he is 30 ish, and has had girlfriends in the past- and now he has one! They recently went overseas for a city break, and he has gone as far as telling us where she lives, but nothing else.

BUT- he won't tell us a thing about her- not even her name. I asked him this week if he was "still seeing the friend he went away to X with" and he said he was. I asked if he would like to tell me something about her- and he said no. He looked embarrassed.

We used to tease him abaout girls alittle when he was 16- once he went away with a friend one weekend, and it turned out he wasn't with his friend at all, but staying with a girl ( friend of the friend) and her family a 100 miles away! So he got a lot of flak then, mainly because he was young and had lied to us etc about his whereabouts- not because he was seeing a girl.

I'd have thought he would have moved on from that and felt he could share a bit more...

I won't push, but I do want to earn his trust if that is what it is. Should I mention her at all, or just wait for him to tell us something?

Does anyone else have secretive sons?

Ironically, he loves talking about DS ( younger) and her boyfriend, and whether they will get married etc- but shoots out of the room if we ask him about his love life!

OP posts:

UnRoyalCharter · 06/06/2012 18:12

i'd think because you used to tease him he's 'learnt' that his sex life and relationships are a joke to you and he's scared of how you'll tease him again?

are you open about your own relationship?

Bobyan · 06/06/2012 18:14

Maybe he's not secretive, maybe you're being nosey...
Or maybe he's gay?

Either way unless he's unhappy and asking for your advice, it's not actually any of your business.

doggiemumma · 06/06/2012 18:15

He sounds perfectly normal to me, why would you want to discuss your sex life wiht your parents - you sound a tad controlling to be brutally honest, id just step back and enjoy the improved relationship. Its really none of your business. You sound like you are worried that he is gay

LynetteScavo · 06/06/2012 18:15

Yes, he thinks you think his love life is a joke. Say nothing. Ask nothing. Never tease him again.

Mumsyblouse · 06/06/2012 18:17

I was quite secretive about boyfriends with my family, no idea why, just didn't want to mix the two til I had to, even though I get on really well with my family. It just didn't connect, and I didn't want my mum getting all excited about every relationship thinking it would lead to something. Having said that, when I was a bit more serious, I did take one guy home, and then my now husband. But some people like to keep their lives separate.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered · 06/06/2012 18:25

Oh for goodness sake, of course it's her business, he's her son. And she isn't asking about his sex life, she sounds like she's just taking a normal interest.
"Oh, that's nice love. What's her name? Does she work?" etc.

OP - I might actually ask him why he does't want to talk about it, refer to the teasing and reassure him you won't do it now.

Original poster

ILoveMaltesers · 06/06/2012 18:31

Crikey- what harsh replies in the main. Controlling, nosey...just because I am interested in my son and whether he is in a relationship and happy? What odd responses.

Are those of you who have replied parents of adult children? if not, you don't seem to get this at all.

And no- I am not worried he is gay. He isn't and if I was worried I'd have asked "Is my son gay".

I am not asking how often he shags her- or if he does. I am asking if he has a girlfriend, maybe her name, what she does for a job etc etc- NORMAl questions that parents ask their sons and daughters.

I'd have thought that one episode of teasing 10 years back was water under the bridge now.

OP posts:

LynetteScavo · 06/06/2012 18:37

No, I don't have a 26 yo son.

I have seen this scenario before though.

I won't tell you how it ended, as you don't want to hear from me. I've given you my advice already.

UnChartered · 06/06/2012 18:38

i've got 2 adult DCs and it was you who brought the teasing up...

ImperialBlether · 06/06/2012 18:40

It's like trying to get blood out of a stone sometimes, isn't it! Mine are the same - I feel like I'm working for MI5 the way they respond to simple questions.

You'll just have to bide your time. There might be something about her that means he doesn't want to talk to you about her - she could be older, younger, married, two heads - you won't find out by asking direct questions. What about your daughter? Does she ever talk to him about his social life?

And for those who think the OP is asking about his sex life - get a grip!

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep · 06/06/2012 18:42

Oh FGS I've teasingly asked my 7 year old if he has a girlfriend! Didn't realise he's not going to talk to me about girls now for the rest of his life.

MissFaversham · 06/06/2012 18:42

I'm laughing here OP (in a good way). Frustrating isn't it but nothing really to be concerned about, he'll introduce when he's ready. Maybe he just hasn't made the decision whether it's important enough to bring her home etc. yet. Also he sounds rather shy about the opposite sex so I'd just back off a bit to be honest.

He's happy and healthy so no problem really.

(Him being gay is also a possibility though)

AvonCallingBarksdale · 06/06/2012 18:43

I never used to talk about my boyfriends to my parents. Ever. It just wasn't something we would have talked about. Some people just aren't that comfortable speaking to their parents about stuff like that. Don't push him, though, that would be v annoying! Just relax a bit.

MissFaversham · 06/06/2012 18:45

Laughing at Imperial here too. I'm sort of a bit like a secret agent where my son is concerned as well.

Triffiddealer · 06/06/2012 18:45

Yes - all a bit harsh - he's 26 not 13. Everyone must be tired and hungry.

Can only agree with Bewitched, ask him in a nice way, why it's so awkward for him and let him know that you are just interested in his life, would love him to open up a bit, but will stop asking about his girlfriend it really bothers him.

If it gets serious enough (wedding bells), you might find out her name on the day.

EmmaNess · 06/06/2012 18:47

My first thought was that he was gay and not yet ready to tell you.

I suspect the terrible relationship you had before he left home isn't completely mended. Perhaps it's left him thinking a friendly relationship (where he phones for a chat most days) is currently preferable to a close one (where he tells you all about his love life). Or maybe he's just naturally a very private person.

I think you should tell him whoever it is he's seeing, they're lucky to have him and you just want him to be happy, and be with someone kind. And that you'd love to meet them whenever he thinks the time is right.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 06/06/2012 18:48

Quite normal for adult sons to be secretive. Maybe she (girlfriend) has asked him not to say anything yet.....

akaemmafrost · 06/06/2012 18:49

My ex H was like this with his parents. It used to drive them nuts.

However not saying this is you but they were very intrusive and controlling and I sometimes felt it was his way of asserting himself and his right to not have to answer to them about ANYTHING. He just took it too far though. He was pathalogical about them not knowing anything.

chipsandmushypeas · 06/06/2012 18:49

I'm 26. I was secretive about my love life in my late teens but once I was in my 20s I wasn't as secretive.

I do think it's odd he won't even tell you her name etc and i dont think you're controlling/nosey etc for wanting to know! He's nearly 30 fgs tell him to get over himself.

wigglybeezer · 06/06/2012 18:56

My brother is like this, reaction against teasing nosy big sisters I think. I went as far asking some gay friends if he set their gaydar off (he didn't ). He now has a girlfriend who we have all met, she has even come away with the whole family for a weekend but it took until he was 39! Be patient .

LucieMay · 06/06/2012 18:57

It's quite possible he was a bit wee bit promiscuous when he was younger, particularly at uni, and had a lot of flings rather than girlfriends. Obvs not the sort of thing you want to share with your parents, and now he has just got into the habit of keeping his love/sex life to himself. Maybe he has commitment issues and is scared of committing to a girl, so it's not really about you as parents, it's about his ability to form a serious relationship (meeting you/telling you about her would make it more formal maybe in his eyes).

chipsandmushypeas · 06/06/2012 18:59

I wish my brother had been more discreet (as well as his gf) as the first time I met her was when she came down the stairs in her underwear in the morning

UnChartered · 06/06/2012 19:08

maybe my reply was a bit abrupt - for which i apologise, but i really think your OP says more than you're aware of...

hear me out

you say you had a terrible relationship with him until he moved out, that he has a history of hiding relationships and when you found out about one you took the piss...his need to keep things from you would not change because he's living in a different house, your relationship would need to BE mended, not just heal over by itslef, no? you also said you'd have thought he'd have got over it by now..so you do suspect this is behind his secrecy, i think.
can you invite them both to dinner?

TheSecondComing · 06/06/2012 19:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SageMist · 06/06/2012 19:13

My DS is 27, he's been going out with his current girlfriend for a couple of years. When ever he's broken up with a girlfriend in the past I've never asked if he's got a new one yet. Not because I've not been interested but because I've always thought that he'd tell me if he had met someone significant.
This is mainly because when I was younger I never wanted to tell my parents that I was going though loads of boyfriends. So I treat my DS the way I wanted to be treated!

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