Parents of older children- or anyone really- secretive son.

[ILoveMaltesers]

I just wanted to ask for opinions.
My son is almost 26. We used to have a terrible relationship when he lived at home. However, since he has moved out, into his own place, we get on much better and he is keeping in touch much more often- phones most days for a chat.

One thing though- he has never said anything over the years about girl friends. He didn't have a steady girlfriend when he was at school, just went around with a mixed crowd, then he was at uni for 4 years so we had no idea what he got up to!

He did tell DH over a beer that he would like to settle down and have kids by the time he is 30 ish, and has had girlfriends in the past- and now he has one! They recently went overseas for a city break, and he has gone as far as telling us where she lives, but nothing else.

BUT- he won't tell us a thing about her- not even her name. I asked him this week if he was "still seeing the friend he went away to X with" and he said he was. I asked if he would like to tell me something about her- and he said no. He looked embarrassed.

We used to tease him abaout girls alittle when he was 16- once he went away with a friend one weekend, and it turned out he wasn't with his friend at all, but staying with a girl ( friend of the friend) and her family a 100 miles away! So he got a lot of flak then, mainly because he was young and had lied to us etc about his whereabouts- not because he was seeing a girl.

I'd have thought he would have moved on from that and felt he could share a bit more...

I won't push, but I do want to earn his trust if that is what it is. Should I mention her at all, or just wait for him to tell us something?

Does anyone else have secretive sons?

Ironically, he loves talking about DS ( younger) and her boyfriend, and whether they will get married etc- but shoots out of the room if we ask him about his love life!

I have older children, we talk a lot and have always got on well.But even they are reluctant to tell me too much about relationships.
I dont think you have told us how long they have been seeing each other.
I would give it all time.
You used to have a terrible relationship,and now he chats to you on the phone almost daily.That is quite an achievement both for him and for you.So well done to both of you.
I would leave well alone about his relationship.He will tell you more if and when he is ready.

'I asked if he would like to tell me something about her- and he said no.'

What an odd question to ask. What exactly did you hope to find out from that? Her name? What she works at?

'He did tell DH over a beer that he would like to settle down and have kids by the time he is 30 ish, and has had girlfriends in the past- and now he has one!'
--You sound very over eager here, almost as if you are already planning your mother of the groom outfit.

If your DS has gleaned from your line of questioning and your past as mother and son that you are anxious to have him tie the knot, or that you have a prurient interest in his love life that he is not comfortable with (and this jumps out from your OP at me anyway) then I think it would be fairly natural that he would keep you completely in the dark about his GF, and be very reluctant to have the two of you meet and risk you sticking your oar in and scaring her off.

It sounds as if you are a little bit inclined to overthink the business of your DS and his relationships and to be a bit unable to find the right balance between interest and intrusiveness.

I too have a good relationship with my DS 25 and my DD 26 but they dont give much away about their relationships and never have!

DS recently split up with his gf of 3 years. In that time she has been on holiday with us twice and visited a lot. He hasnt said very much about why so I have just asked if he is ok a few times and he has promised me he is, and I have left it at that. I wouldnt want to pry.

I never thought she was "the" one for him but it was still a bit sad for me to think she wouldnt visit any more.

DD gets very defensive if asked about relationships, to the extent that I dont ask despite being constantly quizzed by people who know her. . I do know they both feel comfortable to bring anyone home.

In contrast my youngest DS, 16, has been heartbroken and crying on my shoulder a couple of times. I found it quite a shock after the other two! Everyone's different and its not just down to the mother!

So, in a nutshell OP I would say your son is showing perfectly normal behaviour, although not giving you a name is maybe a teeny bit extreme.

I'm 34 and still do t tell my parents things about relationship. I still havnt told then why ex and I split three years ago. I feel too uncomfortable talking to them about it. they were never open about things when I was you g do how my mum expects me to be now I dont know. however my ds's talk about anything to me and know they can have a sensible talk without joking about it.

you had a poor relationship with him before... why would he want to share intimate details of his life with you now? why should he trust you with that?

you're not entitled to any information about his love life. respect him and his privacy and you may find things improve with time.

also... you gave him a hard time about a gf when he was 16... and now you expect him not to care about that? seriously? how about looking at it like this... he was trying to keep his love life private when he was a teen, you found out, and then made him feel shit for that. when it was actually HIS choice to keep that privacy. you probably handled it badly, made a huge deal out of it when it was quite innocuous, and he learned his lesson about how you'd react.

so why on earth would he trust you with details NOW? after you showed your colours to him early on?

sorry but you sound unpleasant. i can imagine my MIL posting threads like this about DH not letting her in. but DH doesn't let her in because she has shown, with her words and behaviour, that she isn't someone who should be let in too far...

your child is now an adult, respect him and his privacy, he has a right to that fgs.

I have a 42 year old son who always told me about his relationships without being asked.He hasnt lived at home since he was 22 and is now happily married but before that he would talk freely.
I think it is normal to want to know but if he doesnt want to tell you then pushing will drive him away.When there is something to tell you he will. In the meantime dont make his realationships the focus of your relationship with him.Leave it alone until he wants to tell you and if that is never well so be it.

I don't have teenage sons. However my dbro (4 years old) was like this. We did not meet any of his gfs from being 16 til hr was 32. We only met that one because i introduced them and he told dm/df because she moved in at his house. Dad went round and it appeared dbro had bought a cat, it was hers. They are now marries.
He had gfs, we have some of the same friends sp i kind of knew when he had a gf. However i was never actually introduced. Imo its up to him what he does and what he tells you. He is old enough to make that decision himself. If you push too much he will end up pulling further away. Let him have his privacy.

Im about your sons age and you are very like my mum. I tell her nothing because she is (in my opinion) a nosy parker.
Butt out. Hes not secretive. Its none of your business and the morr you ask the more backed inti a corner he will feel. If he wants to tell you he will.
I imagine if any of my relationships go well enough my mother will find out soon enough.

Please excuse fat fingered ipod typing !

I have only told my parents about two partners (one of which is now my husband). A mix of being told I was too young to have a boyfriend, feeling embarrassed about talking to my parents about it, not liking the BF enough to want to introduce to the folks, and spending quite a few years putting it about being single.

And I'm a laydee. It's not abnormal, stop worrying about it.

To be fair he may also be like me and not have wanted him mummy to know he was going through partners like most people drink beer.

I have never talked to my mother about my love life. Ever. And I would never have introduced a boyfriend to my parents if marriage wasn't on the agenda. The only boyfriend they ever met became my husband. I don't think there is anything wrong with your son's behaviour.

Oik I think you sound very harsh, and rather unpleasant by being so rude. Many of your comments are uncalled for.

The situation when he was 16 was very different. It was not about the girl- it was about him not letting us know where he was and who he was with, and lying. I am a responsible mum, and when my children were children I wanted to know where they were.

And that was 10 years back. Lots of water under the bridge since then.

I think someone else here touched on what could be the real reason- some time back we asked about a GF and he said he didn't want to give us names because they might not be around long and then we'd want to know more and keep up with whoever replaced them!

Bloody hell OP, you have been given a bit of a bashing on here! Is it a full moon?

I would just be relieved that you are starting to rebuild the trust with your DS, and take it that he wants to be private about his love life and respect that. I totally get why you would want to know the most basic details about your son's life, and he sounds a bit immature, but I guess just take his lead on this one.

Thanks LaWobble.

I'm afraid I am totally gobsmacked at the negative comments and character assassination. I have gone as far to admit we had a poor relationship for some time, which I didn't need to post here.

I did so to give some back history- not to get a flaming.

All my friends with sons of the same age know about their girl friends. So to me, it seemed odd not to even know this one's name.

I guess it's a matter of trust- and maybe she's not long term, or there is a reason why he can't be open.

I won't push, and thanks to those of you who have posted constructive comments.

Can't believe how harsh some of these replies are!

My brother is 30 and has always been like this. He is secretive with the whole family about who he is seeing and only introduces them if he really has to (at weddings etc) I have only met 4 of his girlfriends and my mum has only met 2!
We are a close family and no teasing took place as I recall, it's just the way he is.

I second the poster who said be patient as he has got more open as he's got older.

I'm sorry too OP that you've had a totally undeserved bashing. You sound like a lovely caring Mum to me.

You describe your DS as being secretive, from his side isnt he just wanting to keep his relationship private?

I didnt tell my DPs about BFs as on the rare instances when I had said something there had been criticism/piss taking.

I didnt tell my DPs that DH (then DP)and I were living together. I knew they knew but I also knew that if I talked to them about it then they would feel free to comment which I didnt want.

I'm sorry but your 'I asked if he would like to tell me something about her' sounded like one of my mother's questions normally asked in a twee little voice. It made my skin crawl! Probably not what you intended!

That was a bit harsh.
Don't push, he'll tell you when he's ready.
I do hear all about my DS's girlfriends, but we've always freely talked about these things. Sometimes more that I wanted to, so you might well be lucky..
Having said that, I'd rather die that talk to my mum about any relationship/feelings stuff.
People are different.

sorry, I didn't mean all all, of course.
I meant we talk when he needs advice has been dumped again

Sorry, what I was trying to get at was that those of us who have 'enjoyed' intrusive parents are maybe a little hyper-sensitive!

Try not to ask leading questions and generally talk positively about relationships both in the particular and in the abstract - ie dont mock couples in the news/fiction.

I think you got it right, Gnome.
For my mum privacy is an unknown territory, I have never in any way done that and have respected his privacy, he was always the one who wanted to talk first.

does he talk to his sister about his relationships?

God, I'm 50 and my mother lives here with me and she doesn't know I'm dating someone. I'm really trying to challenge myself as to why I won't say anything and have come up with:
a) early days, don't know whether it will last
b) she doesn't need to know
c) it has nothing to do with her
d) I don't need to explain myself to her at my age and lastly
e) I fear I may be punishing her for her overly controlling behaviour in the past.
I went away for the weekend although she knew I was going, I didn't confirm who with and this morning she threw a tantrum and told me she wished she was dead. OP, not saying any of this is applicable to you, just wanted to let you know what I've done on the other side of the relationship.

This is my last post here as I've thanked those of you who were constructive.
But I had to reply to the last post-

It's funny how so many of you have used words and phrases like "privacy" "doesn't need to know" "being nosey" etc. All very negative and also defensive.

I see a new relationship as something to be pleased and happy about- and in the main, something to share with your family, if you so choose.

I am pleased for my son if he has a woman in his life- as long as she treats him well! I'm not setting out to be "nosey"- in fact I have known about her for roughly 2 months and despite talking to him almost daily, have said nothing until this weekend.

So- last post, and won't be replying any more but thanks again.