Parents of older children- or anyone really- secretive son.

[ILoveMaltesers]

I just wanted to ask for opinions.
My son is almost 26. We used to have a terrible relationship when he lived at home. However, since he has moved out, into his own place, we get on much better and he is keeping in touch much more often- phones most days for a chat.

One thing though- he has never said anything over the years about girl friends. He didn't have a steady girlfriend when he was at school, just went around with a mixed crowd, then he was at uni for 4 years so we had no idea what he got up to!

He did tell DH over a beer that he would like to settle down and have kids by the time he is 30 ish, and has had girlfriends in the past- and now he has one! They recently went overseas for a city break, and he has gone as far as telling us where she lives, but nothing else.

BUT- he won't tell us a thing about her- not even her name. I asked him this week if he was "still seeing the friend he went away to X with" and he said he was. I asked if he would like to tell me something about her- and he said no. He looked embarrassed.

We used to tease him abaout girls alittle when he was 16- once he went away with a friend one weekend, and it turned out he wasn't with his friend at all, but staying with a girl ( friend of the friend) and her family a 100 miles away! So he got a lot of flak then, mainly because he was young and had lied to us etc about his whereabouts- not because he was seeing a girl.

I'd have thought he would have moved on from that and felt he could share a bit more...

I won't push, but I do want to earn his trust if that is what it is. Should I mention her at all, or just wait for him to tell us something?

Does anyone else have secretive sons?

Ironically, he loves talking about DS ( younger) and her boyfriend, and whether they will get married etc- but shoots out of the room if we ask him about his love life!

There is something amazingly embarrassing (for me anyway) about telling one's parents one is in a relationship with someone - it's like saying, 'Mum, Dad, I'm having regular sex! Hope you're pleased for me!' And then they tend to overinvest and get upset if it goes horribly wrong. It's all just a bit icky.

So, I don't think your son is particularly unusual.

He's chosen not to share with you. That's all.

You called him secretive (accusatory IMO). I call him private (defensive IYO).

My DH was 27 when I met him and he kept me a secret from his parents for months. He had never talked to them about any girlfriends - he had only had one night stands (thats another story). They thought he was gay.

I thought it was odd and told him so but then I met his mum and learned a little more about the dynamic of their relationship. She was very overly critical of him in the past and she is the sort of woman who likes to be informed of everything going on in her children's lives and her other kids go along with it but DH doesn't. It is all very dysfunctional in my opinion!

Not saying for one moment this bears any relation to your dynamic but just to say not to worry...secretive can be normal and I did meet them eventually. It was at a family party actually and they all stared at me and commented on my looks, I felt like a horse being assessed. Surprised they did not check my teeth.

'...and then we'd want to know more and keep up with whoever replaced them!'
-I am wondering if he has told you to back off somewhere in the past, based on this remark?

'The situation when he was 16 was very different. It was not about the girl- it was about him not letting us know where he was and who he was with, and lying. I am a responsible mum, and when my children were children I wanted to know where they were.' Fair enough.
But there was teasing:
'We used to tease him about girls a little when he was 16-'

And now I think you are reaping what you sowed back then. From his reluctance to share details now, and from 'and then we'd want to know more and keep up with whoever replaced them!' I think you probably took it too far back when he was 16.

'It's funny how so many of you have used words and phrases like "privacy" "doesn't need to know" "being nosey" etc. All very negative and also defensive.'
-It's not one bit strange; it is clearly not what you wanted to hear, though. Maybe you are not used to seeing things from your DS's pov? How have you lived your life so far without the idea occurring to you that others are entitled to their privacy?
You seem incredibly touchy, ILoveMaltesers. Are you like this with your DS?

It seems to me that you are concerned that your friends are all given blow by blow accounts of their children's relationships and you are put out that you have nothing to report -- and maybe you feel they are looking askance at you or wondering what sort of relationship you have with your DS since he doesn't share details with you? Are you involved in some sort of competition with your peers here?

math says exactly what i was thinking, down to the stuff about friends' blow-by-blow accounts. my MIL is also embarrassed that she has nothing to offer her friends in this dept. but it is that way because she lost her privileges due to her own attitude and behaviour towards her DS. it's not that her DS is being "secretive" etc.

OP you do sound to me like you don't see your DS as a separate adult, with feelings and entitlements to privacy. if that makes me rude, then so be it, it's my honest impression.

My parents knew nothing of any relationship - ever - until I was pregnant by my DH at which point telling them became kind of inevitable. I didn't want things to be like this with my son so early on I decided NEVER to ask him anything about it. He shares what he wants - which isn't that much - but I mostly affect polite half interest and try to avoid freaking him out too much. It seems to work! This area is one of those where any kind of questioning can cause a complete withdrawal.

Interesting to hear it from a parent's perpestive. I was a secret for a good few years, he didn't have a close relationship with his parents and they lived far away but I know from overheard phone conversations and the fact he was happier if we didn't meet that he was very reluctant to give them any information about me what so ever. As it happens, this made me feel pretty humiliated and cheap as if I was a dirty little secret not good enough to be disclosed to his wonderful parents.

I know many happy couples with fun loving PILs who get on so well and yes feel a real sense that i'm missing out.

One of my brothers confided in his parents (and the rest of the world) within 5 seconds of setting eyes on every new girl. Frankly, it was exhausting for all of us- getting used to yet another person potentially becoming part of the family and then having to hold his hand through the subsequent heartbreak. He has had a very unhappy history of relationships and I think the way he wears his heart on his sleeve and works up unrealistic hopes in a short time is a major part of that.

Our parents have been very grateful that the rest of us are more cautious and more independent; they find that reassuring. We are very close but we do not live in each other's pockets.

You asked him if he would like to tell you something about her - he said no and looked embarrassed.

You say he is being secretive, but you know where she lives, that they have been away for a city break. My guessing is there is something about her he thinks you will disapprove of.

I don't know you at all, OP, but the possibilities that come to mind are;

You will judge her by her name. Maybe she is famous. Maybe she is from a rich and well known family. Maybe she has an unusual name, indicating she is from another culture and you are a raging racist. I have absolutely no idea.

Once you know her name you will want to know more. Maybe she is married and he has no intention of ever introducing her to his family.

So many maybes. You could love hours of sleep wondering about them.

"He did tell DH over a beer that he would like to settle down and have kids by the time he is 30 ish, and has had girlfriends in the past- and now he has one!"

You sound a bit over excited that he has a girl friend to me. He will tell you about her when he's ready. Until then, I think you should just drop it. Or of course you could start stalking him, or hire a private detective.

I find it very likely that there is nothing odd about this girlfriend at all, that she has the same number of heads as the rest of us, but that he simply isn't prepared to introduce her to the family until he is sure the relationship is serious. Going on a citybreak together might be a way of trying out a relationship. In the olden days, people used to have secret engagements, so that they could still back out without major family upheaval.

As the parent of three 20+ 'kids', We went through this, Eldest DS didn't tell us about his 'latest girlfriend' until a month before she gave birth to their son! They live happily together and he works hard/long hours to provide for his family. He is now slightly more forthcoming but still is intensely private...but his brother and sister were He takes the view he is a independent adult and as such it is his business plus didn't want us to know what he was doing that he shouldn't! He only told us what he wanted us to know.
That said, we are the kind of family that don't live in each others pockets but they do know we are always here if they need us.