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Original poster

Dilemma regarding ex.

88 replies

StuckintheBellJar · 05/06/2012 17:26

I split from my ex last January. He very quickly found somebody else.

The reasons I threw him out were many. Messing about on dating sites, emailing prostitutes and an inability to manage his finances. He is on long term sick for depression.

Now here is the issue: we've started seeing each other and sleeping together again. I know this means that he's cheating on his new girlfriend but that's not really my problem.

I do still love him and we were always great friends. We have a lot of fun and we were TTC when we split. We don't have any actual children.

He now wants to come back home. I do miss him and I'm very lonely. Could this work or am I insane? The sex we've been having is amazing and we've had a lot of fun as well heart to hearts.

Help!

OP posts:
BelleDameSansMerci · 05/06/2012 18:40

Hah! When you're doing the 2am feeds on your own and he's out shagging someone else, you might find a teeny bit of resentment and loneliness creeps in...

Truly, and less harshy, having a child with a man who is not wholly committed to you is really much more difficult than you are likely to imagine.

Xales · 05/06/2012 18:41

Considering you don't have the faintest clue what a decent loving relationship should be like I don't think you have the faintest clue what love is and what a child would need.

So yes it would be a terrible situation to bring a child into.

Original poster
StuckintheBellJar · 05/06/2012 18:43

I think that's a little harsh, Xales. My love life may not be so wonderful but I have a big family and plenty of friends. I do know how to love someone.

OP posts:
oikopolis · 05/06/2012 18:44

yes it would be a fucking terrible situation to bring a child into.

if you have a daughter, she learns that being with a feckless, shiftless and unfaithful man is better than being alone and with her dignity intact.

if you have a son, he learns that being feckless and unfaithful is a perfectly viable option in life.

don't do it, having a child might be a comfort to you (if you can cope with the fact that your DP will make the experience nastier you could imagine), but it would be a shitty thing to do to the child in question.

HecateTrivia · 05/06/2012 18:46

And how is the child going to be supported financially? and how is the child going to have a good relationship with a father who will be a great role model? You're thinking about you having a child. You have to think about the child having you and him!

I sense that no matter what is said, you'll do it anyway, because you just want to convince yourself that it's the right thing to do and you're desperate for people to say oh yes, it'll all be ok, go for it.

But it won't be ok. so if you are going to do this, at least be realistic. You'll be a single mother to a child with a feckless father who will likely never pay his way and probably not be a consistent presence in the child's life.

It happens. Many women find themselves in this position and do a bloody fine job.

but not many of them actively sought it out.

Xales · 05/06/2012 18:48

You don't love yourself.

colditz · 05/06/2012 18:51

Hell yes, it would be an awful thing to do deliberatelyy

How would you feel if you had only been born because your mum was lonely, and screw your need/wish for a father?

Original poster
StuckintheBellJar · 05/06/2012 18:54

You could say that about single women who have IVF. Don't get me wrong, I could support a child financially on my own.

I think I've almost given up expecting men to be anything other than feckless. I know so many my age who are unemployed, on the long term sick, broke, living with their parents... But no women like that. It's almost as if there is something wrong with the men of my generation.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 05/06/2012 18:56

IMO Xales hasn't been harsh enough.

Given that I can't see how any right minded woman could rate your ex and his deeply unattractive qualities as being suitable sperm donor material, I'm inclined to the view that you're taking the piss by continuing to maintain that having him as a father could in any way enhance the life of a child.

Therefore izzyizout on this thread.

Xales · 05/06/2012 18:59

There is absolutely nothing wrong with single women who have IVF and support a child themselves.

That is not what you have been discussing.

oikopolis · 05/06/2012 19:00

well if the world is so broken and the men of your generation are so terrible, then i think it's better to get a dog or something, or adopt a child who has nowhere else to go. or go and have sperm donation or something.

the fact is, having a kid with THIS guy in particular is a Very Bad Idea because that poor child is going to be saddled with having a layabout eejit as their parent. not nice.

HecateTrivia · 05/06/2012 19:02

Then go as a single woman to a clinic and have IVF

Unless you think that by having this 'man's' baby, you will force him to love you/be with you/stay in your life forever.

You will do as you see fit. I hope you make the choice that is the best one for the human being you are proposing to create.

I am following izzy out the door.

ImperialBlether · 05/06/2012 19:03

So you have a son and this is the lesson you teach him, that it's okay for men to behave like that?

Or you have a daughter and she looks at you and the absolute fucking shit you put up with and thinks either "This will be my life" or "I'm going to emigrate to make sure I'm as far as possible from that sort of life."

You really do need help, OP.

PurplePidjinghamPalace · 05/06/2012 19:04

It's almost as if there is something wrong with the men of my generation.

Women like you let them get away with it.

You haven't got your little fantasy relationship - it's all in your head. Come back to the real world, listen to your mother and for fuck's sake stop making excuses like a teenager! (Even if you are one)

balia · 05/06/2012 19:04

Please just don't. Think this through honestly. You are stepping into territory you can't control. Your child will have the right to a relationship with his/her father. That means s/he'll grow up watching Daddy disrespect, lie to and cheat a series of women who won't have the self-respect to value themselves enough to get rid. AND this will include you. Is this really what you want for your child?

Original poster
StuckintheBellJar · 05/06/2012 19:07

I haven't been a teenager for a long time! No, I work, own my home and am financially independent with a decent job.

OP posts:
PurplePidjinghamPalace · 05/06/2012 19:13

So why are you whining that Mummy doesn't like your waste-of-space boyfriend instead of paying attention to a mature adult who actually gives a shit about you?

stargirl1701 · 05/06/2012 19:14

You seem to lack love for yourself. Why would you settle for this? Do you believe you deserve the best? If not, that is where you need to begin. Not with him, not with a baby.

I would suggest getting a dog and living your life for yourself. Unconditional love is what dogs do best Grin Live your life, travel, take a class, take up a new hobby, move to a new town/city, etc.

You will meet someone - often when you stop looking. You are searching for love - find it in yourself first. The longest relationship you will ever is with yourself.

Teeb · 05/06/2012 19:50

I think if you come to the decision that what you want is some dysfunctional excuse of a relationship with a man who has zero intention of ever being truthful or decent to you (or any of the other women he's putting his penis into) then that's your call. But to wilfully bring a child into that dysfunctional unit? You sound massively selfish and desperate tbh. If you can't have any respect for yourself, at least have some respect for a little baby who will have to suffer your choices for the rest of it's own young life.

Original poster
StuckintheBellJar · 05/06/2012 20:02

I think sperm donation may be the way forward. It's hard, when all your friends have children and lovely partners. It's as if everybody is invited to a party but you - and it's the only bloody party you ever wanted to go to.

I always feel like I'm the consolation prize. I had two long term previous relationships before this 'one' and both confessed to being in love with someone else. I feel like no man has ever commited to me. Whatever it takes to get a man to love you, I have not got it.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 05/06/2012 20:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Original poster
StuckintheBellJar · 05/06/2012 20:08

Is that meant to be an insult?

OP posts:
PurplePidjinghamPalace · 05/06/2012 20:09

It's self esteem, generally, and it's easily acquired through self respect and not putting up with bull shit...

jubileejulie · 05/06/2012 20:12

poor potential child, my heart breaks for it

mummymcphee · 05/06/2012 20:12

How old are you stuck ? Is your biological clock ticking so loudly you would ignore the needs of your potential baby! I can talk from experience. I am that sad cow who did all the 2am and 4am feeds on her own whilst exp was cuddled up across the road with a woman my age without a crying baby. It gets very lonely. He has never been to see his beautiful daughter and I now live with my mum and dad. No wonder your mum is tough talking! I wish I'd listened to mine. The worst bit is truly watching my baby growing and wondering what impact having such a useless father on her future life. I didn't choose this situation but I was careless. Good luck with whichever path you choose x