Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dilemma regarding ex.

88 replies

StuckintheBellJar · 05/06/2012 17:26

I split from my ex last January. He very quickly found somebody else.

The reasons I threw him out were many. Messing about on dating sites, emailing prostitutes and an inability to manage his finances. He is on long term sick for depression.

Now here is the issue: we've started seeing each other and sleeping together again. I know this means that he's cheating on his new girlfriend but that's not really my problem.

I do still love him and we were always great friends. We have a lot of fun and we were TTC when we split. We don't have any actual children.

He now wants to come back home. I do miss him and I'm very lonely. Could this work or am I insane? The sex we've been having is amazing and we've had a lot of fun as well heart to hearts.

Help!

OP posts:
Original poster
StuckintheBellJar · 05/06/2012 17:51

*go anywhere

OP posts:
HecateTrivia · 05/06/2012 17:52

You need to sort yourself out before you will be able to have a successful relationship.

Please consider counselling.

BillyBollyBandy · 05/06/2012 17:57

Hmmm my ex friend did this with her cheating ex, got married because she wanted a baby. Sadly he is still a twat, still cheating, still boozing, still lying and now won't have sex with her because he has decided he doesn't want a kid.

She is 38 and time is running out.

Oh and when you think everyone will greet the news of your reunion in a horrified manner - that tells you a lot about your realtionship.

But you know, he might have changed?

ErikNorseman · 05/06/2012 17:58

Jesus. You are blinded by baby hunger and behaving like a loon. Sack this guy off and look into sperm donation if needs be but you are seriously worth more than this guy, and your potential baby is worth more than him for a father. 'considering looking for work' honestly, can you hear yourself?

Original poster
StuckintheBellJar · 05/06/2012 17:59

What happens to men who don't change though? Surely they must eventually. You can't live your life dishonestly forever.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 05/06/2012 18:00

potential Leverette? What potential would that be? [hmm

The twat's already proved himself to be prize prick of the first water and it's hard to imagine how he'll top that except, as Hecate says, el Dirtbag will be off shagging everything that moves should the OP be insane enough to have dc with this piece of sti riddled garbage.

Erm... correction: as it happens he's already up for shagging everything that moves and the OP is seriously deluded if she imagines that dc will make him morph into Mr Loyal & Devoted dh & df.

Time to smash the bell jar and move yourself on, Stuck. You'll be better off cuddled up to a rabbit until you find a worthy man to share your bed with.

lambethlil · 05/06/2012 18:00

You what hecate said! OP don't rush into anything. 6 months is no time to be single, work on yourself and do not get pregnant.

izzyizin · 05/06/2012 18:03

You may not be able to live your life dishonestly forever, Stuck, but men like your ex are perpetual and perennial deceivers who never change - the effect of rigor mortis means that death only serves to give them a bigger stiffy than they are able to achieve in life.

BillyBollyBandy · 05/06/2012 18:06

"What happens to men who don't change though? Surely they must eventually. You can't live your life dishonestly forever"

Robert Maxwell anyone?

Are you serious OP? Why do you suppose someone must act truthfully one day?

Original poster
StuckintheBellJar · 05/06/2012 18:06

You know, I've had about a dozen men take an interest in me over the past six months and only half were actually employed. Finding a man with a job who actually wants a proper relationship isn't easy.

OP posts:
Original poster
StuckintheBellJar · 05/06/2012 18:08

You can't lie forever, if you do nobody will ever really know you properly. That would be terribly lonely. Everybody has to let the walls down eventually or you'll go mad. I hope that makes sense.

OP posts:
HecateTrivia · 05/06/2012 18:10

No, honey. They don't change. They are quite happy the way they are. If you are going to get back with him thinking you can change him - you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of hurt.

People can and do go to their bloody graves still being a lying, cheating sack of shit.

Do what you want. You're a grown up and responsible for the shit you get yourself into. But don't fool yourself that you're going to take back a cheating layabout and end up with prince charming.

All that's going to happen is you're going to end up tied to a cocklodger by a baby who's going to grow up thinking this is how a relationship should be.

Xales · 05/06/2012 18:10

Finding a man with a job who actually wants a proper relationship isn't easy. what is your definition of a proper relationship?

izzyizin · 05/06/2012 18:12

What you don't seem to appreciate is that, first and foremost, liars deceive themselves and, consequently, they have no walls to let down.

Original poster
StuckintheBellJar · 05/06/2012 18:12

The usual stuff; commitment, friendship, sex, love, fun, planning a future together, looking after each other. I'm quite simple really.

OP posts:
Kernowgal · 05/06/2012 18:13

Well fuck me I've had no men take an interest in me in the past six months but I still wouldn't take back the abusive tosser I finally dumped a month ago. I may be lonely from time to time but it's a damn sight better than staying with him, even if he was a cracking shag and said he'd father my kids if I wanted him to (I didn't). Have some bloody self-respect! If you think he's going to change when he's getting all his needs met then you're on Planet Lala my dear.

"Careful how you find your man, for you'll lose him the same way". You'd do well to remember this.

I would recommend getting rid of him sharpish and then getting yourself some counselling. You are worth so much more than this arsehole, as is his current girlfriend (try having a little respect for her, too, as karma is a bitch).

HecateTrivia · 05/06/2012 18:14

Do you think such people care that nobody knows them properly?

You cannot take your standards, morals and how you think people should want to live and say that everyone should, in the end, want to live the clean and good life. It doesn't work like that. They don't. You need to accept that.

And then, if you still want to be with him, good luck to you, because you'll need it. And you'll also need to be the best mother in the history of the world, in order to unscrew up any child you have with him.

You deserve so much more. I wish you could see that.

Xales · 05/06/2012 18:16

So how many of that list does he tick off?

Original poster
StuckintheBellJar · 05/06/2012 18:21

All of them, bizarrely. A job would be nice though.

OP posts:
Xales · 05/06/2012 18:30

Really?

Commitment? I fail to see how using dating sites, prostitutes and cheating behind your girlfriends back is commitment? Unless you have an open relationship agreed before hand. As you yourself use the word cheating I don't think so somehow.

Looking out for each other? I don't see how any of the above is looking after you as it is risking your sexual health and upsetting you. Don't you mean looking over his shoulder to see if you have spotted his latest indiscretion?

I don't see how he is planning a future with you or is he planning on dumping his girlfriend for you?

Friendship? Would a real friend do any of that?

Fun? Is it fun when you find out the latest place he has got his dick wet before sliding it into you and risking your health?

Love? Oh yeah you have me on that one. This guy really loves himself.

Good luck.

oikopolis · 05/06/2012 18:31

LOL at "You can't live your life dishonestly forever". darling if you really are making this statement without a hint of irony, then i think you aren't ready for a relationship and certainly not for having children.

(btw... he is "considering looking for work"? WOW. impressive stuff. proper keeper.)

OP please. just listen to yourself.

there's a great way to guarantee you will be cheated on and taken for a mug again, with the added bonus of not being open to new and better relationships: take up with this man once more.

don't do it, and FGS don't bring children into the world with such a shiftless fecker. how monstrously unfair on them that would be.

izzyizin · 05/06/2012 18:34

How can he tick any of your boxes?

The notion of commitment is meaningless to him, he certainly ain't no friend of yours, his idea of love is to spread it around, uncertainty about what he's up to sucks all the fun out a relationship, you can't plan a future to with a liar, and you certainly can't rely on a philanderer being around to look after you when you are most in need of tlc.

That leaves sex. For which you can get a rabbit and have a good time without fear of contracting a sti.

BelleDameSansMerci · 05/06/2012 18:36

Have a look at this site: www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/ It might help.

Original poster
StuckintheBellJar · 05/06/2012 18:36

I am probably mad. None of that seems to worry me so much as what my mother would do if she finds out. She's got a tongue like a razor after forty years of running a hospital ward.

More importantly, she'll probably set fire to my head in the process.

Would this be such a terrible situation to bring a child into? I can guarantee that any child would be loved, cared for and very much wanted. So many aren't.

OP posts:
joblot · 05/06/2012 18:37

I'm with oik. You are fooling yourself. Being single is way way better than having an idle cheating twat of a partner

Nowt wrong with singledom, despite what fairy tales tell you