he's left, and we have a 7 week old :(

[ownworstenemy]

I don't know where to start. I posted briefly 2 weeks ago about problems we were having. Since then we've been trying to reslove them, we had a great weekend, and then suddenly yesterday he walked out. I have a 7 yo from a previous relationship and now am on my own again with her and new dd2. I feel numb tbh. I knew things weren't great. And really, when I woke up this morning I felt a bit of relief. Things have been strained for a long time, I felt he never really accepted my dd, had little patience and merely tolerated her and I am pleased that I won't have to be on tenterhooks when we go out with him again. I am questioning myself though. I don't know how much of the things I thought were wrong really were wrong or if it was just my perception. When I've bought up that I feel he doesn't really enjoy time with dd he says I'm being ridiculous. But I feel so on edge when we've all been out together, willing dd to behave (she is an angel btw, not a brat or anything, though of course I would say that. It's more that, not having had dc, and having none in the family, I thought he expected perfection all the time.)
I suppose I had a fear that noone would ever really love her the way I do. I found it very difficult to let him discipline her, even when I knew she needed it. So maybe I was the barrier to us all being a family.
Since dd2 has been born I've kind of retreated from him I suppose. We don't live together and I'd started to not look forward to seeing him, by the time he came over I was tired and in no mood to do much but sleep. I don';t know if I have PND or what. I had it terribly with dd, I don't feel like that this time, more just uneasy with dp. Yesterday he'd decided that I'd never change and it was over.
I'm really sorry that this is rambly. I don't know how to process it tbh. In a way I'm glad we took things cautiously, dd hasn't noticed he's not here as tbh he so seldom was. He said yesterday he'd come on saturday to see dd2. A whole week away. So I guess he's not all that interested in seeing her at all. The silly thing is I feel incredibly ashamed. I have 2 dc, one of whom is still so teeny, and both of their dads have left. I know I'll cope somehow but bloody hell what do I do now?

'an interest' now isn't enough to mean he's going to be a good father. DCs are better off without deadbeat dads.

Have you got a crystal ball, Margery?

While I agree that dc are better off without deadbeat parents, a single parents can be worse off if the other parent fails to contribute financially to upkeep of their dc.

If he doesn't make regular voluntary payments, don't hesitate to contact the CSA, OP - and the sooner you do so, the better off you'll be.

Well I've been to meet him and I feel sick. He wants to take her after work a few times a week and for a day at the weekend. Apparently my breastfeeding her is irrelevant and I'll just have ot get her used to a bottle. He'd been to see a solicitor this morning to talk about access. I feel trapped :(
I feel so numb but so angry too. I was so happy after dd2 was born. I feel he's robbing me of that. Apparently he has 'his rights'. I don't want to deny dd2 contact, not at all, but what an absolute bastard. I want to sit here and cry tbh but I have to pick dd1 up in half an hour and I don't want her to see I'm upset. What do I do? I feel lost.

Hi own, sorry your going through this. As far as I know, and you do need to get a solicitor straight away, if you are breastfeeding then contact has to work around that, no one is going to expect you to change feeding to suit her father. He does have rights but so does your DD.

Now, deep breaths, what support do you have around you? take any support you can give, family, friends etc.. Now, he cant bully you, make an appointment to see a solicitor, in the meantime text him to tell him that, no arrangements can be made until you have spoken to your legal advice.

It will be ok, I promise you, for some reason some men are so bullyish when they walk away (i know, been there myself) but hold tight.

Oh yes, sorry meant to say, him coming to tell you he has talked to a solicitor is of no consequence, god, I fell for that one as well, worried myself stupid until I went and got a solicitor myself and realised he was just being threatening and bullyish.

I feel scared and I don't know why. I do think he was trying to scare me by mentioning the solicitor, it seemed so aggressive that that was his first move rather than try and work somethign out between ourselves :(
I have a horrible knot of anxiety in my chest and feel like I want to run away. I just can't bear the thought of having to see his bastarding smug face again. Apparently he didn't leave our family, he left ME. He has made it clear he wants nothing to do with dd1. I feel like my little family just isn't safe anymore.

OK think about this logically. Your DD is being breastfed and won't take a bottle (very common, not a problem). Nobody will expect you to somehow magically make her take a bottle when it isn't in her interests (or yours). The only person in whose interest this is, is your ex. And that is only because he feels entitled to a whole day with a 7wk old. Never. Going. To. Happen.

Take the advice and see a solicitor pronto and in the meantime don't engage with any of his demands requests. Just tell him if he wants to involve solicitors that's fine by you and he can wait to hear from yours.

And here is a (((hug))) too, because you sound like you need it!

But I don't want to involve solicitors. It's ridiculous and a waste of everyone's time and money. I think all he'll have had is a free half hour with someone who's explained his 'rights'. I don't have the time or energy for any of this. He wanted me to agree to his access demands there and then and was taken aback when I said I'd have to go and think about it. I'm finding it hard to think about what is best for dd when my thoughts are still stuck on 'o dear god he left me'. And now I have 'he has a solicitor' thrown into the mix. We're not married and have never lived together so I do think the solicitor is his dickish was to try and demonstrate his power. I still feel sick and have finally cried now dd is in bed. I've cried so hard I have a headache.
I need time to get things straight in my head tbh but I think if I ask for that then he'll get solicitors involved for real. I need a week or two to even begin to process this so why on earth has he gone straight to a solicitor? It's like he's wanting me to agree to something I've not thought through. I still feel dreadfully scared though.

I spoke with someone today whose husband walked out when she was 3 months pregnant witj their third dc some years ago. She is coping really really well-good family and friends in RL she says.

What a very upsetting situation.

But for now take no notice of him and his threats. I very much doubt that any solicitor would tell him he had rights to take a bf baby away from it's mother!! Especially one only 7 weeks old!

Don't even attempt to get her on a bottle unless it is pro-actively what you wnat to do on your own account. There is a risk that it could interfere with her bf.

When you feel strong enough over the next few days , get your own legal advice - knowledge is confidence and strength.

Any possibility of enabling him to see her on neutral ground? And with you present or in the next room?

You may not want a solicitor but don't dismiss getting advice as he is already showing he is not going to be very nice over this.

God he sounds like a prize twunt. Do have a look at this thread - Choco will be able to tell you about access while BFing. Her new one isn't born yet, few weeks to go, but she's had a while to prepare for this and will know where you stand.

link

Blu, he wants to take her away (to his house presumably) 2 or 3 nights a week for a few hours after work and then for a morning or afternoon at the weekend. Feelings about him being a shit aside, dd is seriously a boob monster who clusterfeeds from as soon as we get home from bringing dd home from school til bedtime at about 7 or 8. I am horrified that in him wanting to see her he's willing to put her through the distress of being away from me for that long :( But similarly, and more difficultly, I do not want him here. I don't want him in the house with my dd1 when he's made it explicitly clear that he never gave a shit about her anyway. Even when she's in bed. This is her home, I will not have people in it who have lied to her. So what option is there for contact really? I'd be willing to let him see her in the middle of the day I suppose, when dd is at school. But he'll make a song and dance about it being inconvenient, and it is really isn't it? Is it really so awful of me to ask for a few weeks to get my head around everything? He asked today if there was anything dd2 needed, so I do fear his version of maintenence will actually be 'stuff' which I think is actually incredibly controlling too. I don't need stuff, I need to be able to put a roof over her head.

Own, listen, you do need a solicitor, all you have said needs to be sorted, but properly. At the moment it's so raw, you sound so distressed (quite understandably), and I'd love to reach through this screen and hug you and reassure you that it will be alright in the end and it will, will just take some time to get there.

By putting a solicitor in, you will take away a lot of stress for yourself and he can't bully you into anything. No one will make you hand over a breast feeding baby, but you will be able to sort out contact properly (away from your other DD) and maintenance.

It matters not if it's 'convenient' for him or not - its not going to work at all for your dd2 because she's a tiny ebf baby.

I carried on bf ds until he was nearly 2 btw

Oh, I COMPLETELY understand why you don't want him in your house, and don't think he has any business at all expecting to take a tiny bf baby away from you at all! As you say it's incredibly selfish (and controlling) of him to even think of that level of disturbance for your baby.

I just wondered if there is a very sensible mutual friend who has a house you could meet at so that he can see her for a short period a couple of times a week, with you having a cup of tea in the kitchen or something.

But you do need legal advice. About the amount and form of maintenance, too.

Mistle, I fed my dd1 til almost 3 :) But I've spent today feeling really weird about it all, like as soon as I give up feeding he'lll have one more thing to laud over me. I really really don't want to go the solicitors route. It frightens me and it feels unnecessary. And sad. Since when did this turn into a battle for goodness sake. I wouldn't even know where to begin with a solicitor, and I have no money. It feels like making a mountain out of a molehill, there's no need for it to escalate to this so quickly and it worries me that he obviously thinks there is a need for this. But I suppose saying I'm speaking to a solicitor too does give me a bit of time before I have to decide anything. I really wish I wasn;t on my own tonight. My friend came over straight from work which I was incredibly grateful for, but now the dc are asleep and I'm alone thinking horrible thoughts that my rug has just been pulled from under me. I spent so long at the beginning of seeing exdp just making sure he was a keeper. I didn't introduce dd until about 6 months in, til I was sure he wasn't going to come into her life and then disappear. I am so so full of regret that I let him into her life.

When he asks what dd2 needs refer him to the CSa calculator. Then you can say if he still wants to get her anything a) b) c) will be appreciated.

Of course the thought of being separated from your baby is horrifying (it would scare me too)
You need to see a solicitor to protect youself and your dds

Has he got PR?

Yes sea, it's one of the things he said, 'I've got parental responsibility', that made me realise (hours after the event) that he probably really has seen a solicitor as I don't think it would occur to him by himself. We registered dd very soon after the birth and he came with me. I wish wish I'd thought more about the implications (where's that crystal ball when I need it eh). Sat crying again. I just cannot bear the thought of being apart from her. Which is massively selfish as that's what he's had to live with. But he's nevr had her by himself, not even for a few hours, when we were together. He wouldn;t have a clue. And I hate that I am agonising over this, I can't sleep and god, I need my sleep right now, and he's probably not giving it a second thought. It really does make me sick. My friend thought I should rerefer myself to the mental health team I had to deal with my PND last time, as a preemptive measure if nothing else. The worst part for me was anxiety, and I can physically feel that crushing horribleness in my chest that I haven't felt for so long. It feels wanky and dramatic to say, but I feel like I'm losing everything. A thing I learned from my last lot of therapy was that I have a desperate need to feel safe and secure. It really is so important to me. I lost my grandad a month ago, who I just adored, now I've lost my partner and I stand having to hand over my baby. And I gave birth 8 bloody weeks ago. No wonder I feel so fucking awful.

OK, so he wants some parental responsibility - and evenings are not going to work for your dd - so tell him that you'll meet him in his lunch hours (he can flex longer ones) - make sure that dd is fed just before, hand her over together with nappy bag and ask him to change her, then arrange to get her back 40 mins later - 40 mins is sufficient time for this age. See how that goes, arrange for a hour on a Saturday (when convenient to you and dds) and, if you can, also on Sunday - again when its convenient to you - but never agree to more than an hour because of the feeding - and you need something in writing regarding her being ebf and that ff is not OK. Someone might be able to suggest something for that.

mistle, I would be happy with the 40 minute lunchtime arrangement actually. But I know he'll push for more than that.
I really do need some sleep. You've all reassured me though that with dd being so young, not to mention being breastfed, then noone will think it's reasonable for him to have her for long stretches at a time. I just don't want her getting distressed, I don't know why his own needs seem to come above hers in that respect. I've been toying with teh idea of emailing him tonight but I won't. I might suggest the lunchtime meets to him tomorrow.

what I would imagine is that if you give him the opportunity for the contact (but make sure that nappies are involved)(every time) he will get bored and decide that its not worth missing his lunchtime so many times a week - so by the time longer visits might be a possibility he will have already effectively cut himself down in what he might be able to expect....

mistle, I do think he'd get bored very quickly. I think the baby's still a novelty for him in a way. It was the reality of everyday life with children that he couldn't accept I think. We'll see.