he's left, and we have a 7 week old :(

[ownworstenemy]

I don't know where to start. I posted briefly 2 weeks ago about problems we were having. Since then we've been trying to reslove them, we had a great weekend, and then suddenly yesterday he walked out. I have a 7 yo from a previous relationship and now am on my own again with her and new dd2. I feel numb tbh. I knew things weren't great. And really, when I woke up this morning I felt a bit of relief. Things have been strained for a long time, I felt he never really accepted my dd, had little patience and merely tolerated her and I am pleased that I won't have to be on tenterhooks when we go out with him again. I am questioning myself though. I don't know how much of the things I thought were wrong really were wrong or if it was just my perception. When I've bought up that I feel he doesn't really enjoy time with dd he says I'm being ridiculous. But I feel so on edge when we've all been out together, willing dd to behave (she is an angel btw, not a brat or anything, though of course I would say that. It's more that, not having had dc, and having none in the family, I thought he expected perfection all the time.)
I suppose I had a fear that noone would ever really love her the way I do. I found it very difficult to let him discipline her, even when I knew she needed it. So maybe I was the barrier to us all being a family.
Since dd2 has been born I've kind of retreated from him I suppose. We don't live together and I'd started to not look forward to seeing him, by the time he came over I was tired and in no mood to do much but sleep. I don';t know if I have PND or what. I had it terribly with dd, I don't feel like that this time, more just uneasy with dp. Yesterday he'd decided that I'd never change and it was over.
I'm really sorry that this is rambly. I don't know how to process it tbh. In a way I'm glad we took things cautiously, dd hasn't noticed he's not here as tbh he so seldom was. He said yesterday he'd come on saturday to see dd2. A whole week away. So I guess he's not all that interested in seeing her at all. The silly thing is I feel incredibly ashamed. I have 2 dc, one of whom is still so teeny, and both of their dads have left. I know I'll cope somehow but bloody hell what do I do now?

That's why I think making him deal with some of the crap and making it almost a chore (instead of a lunch break) might be a good thing. And you can dress it up to make it look as though you're facilitating lots of contact and being very reasonable. But you'll need to suggest it in writing (email? text?) so you can keep a record - and make sure that you keep a diary of contact so that you can note the number of times he's late / cancels / forgets to change dd even though you've told him she needs changing etc.

Get a letter from your health visitor stating that a 7 week breasted baby should not be separated from its mother yet. See a solicitor for a free half hour appt. If he takes you to court no judge in the land will order you to hand the baby over for more than very short amounts of time & of course the baby would have to be willing to take a bottle for that to happen so my advice would be - don't introduce one!! Also make a claim through CSA for maintenance ASAP!!

Letter from the health visitor is a good idea. She seemed really nice the few times we met her, and having had PND in the past she told me I can call her anytime and just get her to come round and listen. I'm so angry that I should be bathing in post baby glow and instead I am a frightened, sobbing mess. I really am angry that he's robbed me of that happiness. I cannot put into words how much I hate him for that.

I have been thinking about this. Can you express a little at all? So that if he agrees to a lunchtime you can hand over a bottle of your milk for her?

If I were a bloke being damn devious like I am who clearly didn't give a shit about the well being of a 7 week old baby as I wanted it away from its mother for hours I would have a bottle of formula ready when you dropped off baby for a lunch break.

If I could get baby to take any it would start the breaking away of the boob and I could say look doesn't need boob.

If she doesn't need it she will plain refuse to take it for him. Or plain refuse it as it is not a boob. So he will get irritated and drop the stupid sodding idea asap. If you can control the source he is still reliant on you.

Also please don't make sure you hand her over 10 mins before you know she needs a poo

Xales, I have no problem expressing. We've tried it several times now, from god knows how many types of bottles, and she's just having none of it. My dd1 was always a bottle refuser too. I just don't think he'd even think to get a bottle for her so I'm not worried about that really. FOr me the breastfeeding is non negotiable. The moment he tries to feed her formula is the moment I get tough. He knows I've had to alter my diet as she has a cows milk protein intolerance as far as we can tell, so formula could potentially make her very ill. it's taken a lot of hard work for me to get this far with the feeding and it's just not up to him to give bottles. I tried so hard at first as I could see he was feeling a bit useless, I thought expressing a bottle a day so he could help would be good for both of them. But dd had other plans.

Bah post went poof.

I totally agree with you however if he has been through the refusing, is saying it is not an issue and sort is effective last week then he is not thinking the same as you.

There have been posts on mumsnet before where the non resident parent ignores or plays down an intolerance or allergy. So if you can provide some then you can say you are trying your best to get your DD to do what he is demanding.

You sound like a great mum PND or not /hugs

I'm sure I've read somewhere (sorry can't find a link) that legally no court will make you had over a baby under 2 for an overnighter.

If you show willing by arranging lunchtime visits, (maybe at a third parties address?) where he can see DD then he can't say you are keeping her from him.

I know you are loathe to use a solicitor but PLEASE get your free half hour just to get your ducks in a row & help you stay calm & in control.

Are you ok love?