he's left, and we have a 7 week old :(

[ownworstenemy]

I don't know where to start. I posted briefly 2 weeks ago about problems we were having. Since then we've been trying to reslove them, we had a great weekend, and then suddenly yesterday he walked out. I have a 7 yo from a previous relationship and now am on my own again with her and new dd2. I feel numb tbh. I knew things weren't great. And really, when I woke up this morning I felt a bit of relief. Things have been strained for a long time, I felt he never really accepted my dd, had little patience and merely tolerated her and I am pleased that I won't have to be on tenterhooks when we go out with him again. I am questioning myself though. I don't know how much of the things I thought were wrong really were wrong or if it was just my perception. When I've bought up that I feel he doesn't really enjoy time with dd he says I'm being ridiculous. But I feel so on edge when we've all been out together, willing dd to behave (she is an angel btw, not a brat or anything, though of course I would say that. It's more that, not having had dc, and having none in the family, I thought he expected perfection all the time.)
I suppose I had a fear that noone would ever really love her the way I do. I found it very difficult to let him discipline her, even when I knew she needed it. So maybe I was the barrier to us all being a family.
Since dd2 has been born I've kind of retreated from him I suppose. We don't live together and I'd started to not look forward to seeing him, by the time he came over I was tired and in no mood to do much but sleep. I don';t know if I have PND or what. I had it terribly with dd, I don't feel like that this time, more just uneasy with dp. Yesterday he'd decided that I'd never change and it was over.
I'm really sorry that this is rambly. I don't know how to process it tbh. In a way I'm glad we took things cautiously, dd hasn't noticed he's not here as tbh he so seldom was. He said yesterday he'd come on saturday to see dd2. A whole week away. So I guess he's not all that interested in seeing her at all. The silly thing is I feel incredibly ashamed. I have 2 dc, one of whom is still so teeny, and both of their dads have left. I know I'll cope somehow but bloody hell what do I do now?

Take a deep breath. Maybe go to the doctors or give your health visitor a ring. Don't be ashamed you have two beautiful girls.

Agree with brighter. Do you have anyone who can help you out with the girls?

Dont feel ashamed, its not your fault if he has walked out, he is an idiot, your baby is only a few weeks old and he was not there fulltime to share that burden with you, so of course you were tired. He could have helped you, not walked out on you..

Do you have a Surestart Childrens Centre near you? I have found them great in the past for providing courses and babygroups and things just to get out of the house and since my H left me, one of the ladies who works there has been a godsend, coming to see me and ringing me every couple of weeks to make sure that Im ok and they are also providing counselling for me.

Please don't feel ashamed. Of course you feel like you just want sleep and that your DP isn;t the most important things - you've just had a brand new baby. Relatioship should not be about you feeling on edge all the time trying to be perfect!

My gut feeling is that he is being a total arse and, particularly if you do feel relief, it may be for the best.

How well did 7 year old get on with him?

They got on fine. I don't want to make out that he was some horrible dictator or something as he really wasn't. But I have childless friends I see every weekend who are just fab with her, who genuinely enjoy her company. With dp I never saw that. In 2 years he's never taken the initiative to suggest things they can do together. Never taken her anywhere off his own back (not even when dd2 was days old and I'd rather have been in bed). I know I have a real problem saying what I need. I really know that I do, I had CBT after dd and it's one of the big things I learned- I expect people to be able to read my mind to know what I want. I have a great deal of trouble asking people to do things but the truth is noones a mindreader. So maybe he just didn't know how I'd like him to be involved. I have a health visitor who seemed a bit too keen for me to be depressed tbh. I was honest with her about how I struggled after dd2 and she seemed a bit gleeful that I might tick that box for her iyswim. I don't like baby groups really, my confidence in speakign to new people means I don't enjoy it. My parents are coming up today for a family funeral tomorrow (that I now have to make other plans for :() and I'm dreading telling them that it's all gone wrong.

Wish i could come over, chat with you and give you a big hug :) Because you sound like you think its all your fault.

Do you mind me asking about when you became pregnant with Dd2 - notice you don;t live together. What was the plan?

Pplease don;t misunderstand - I am not suggesting it is in anyway your faul,t. jsut wondering?

Do you live near Darlington?

Sorry, just read through your other thread.

man, it does seem like the relationship wasn;t that great before hand. What would like ideally for you and your two daughters?

Nowhere near Darlington I'm afraid. It wasn't planned at all, it was a massive shock to both of us tbh. His behaviour when he found out was, perhaps understandably, less than exemplorary. I decided fairly early on that I couldn't terminate but it took him til about 16/17 weeks to come round to the idea.
I do feel it's my fault. There are a lot of things that niggled me from the start of our relationship that are still a problem for me, him living at home and being a bit immature and never admitting he's at fault for a start. I'm questioning wether I really loved him at all. All the issues he's raised over the past few weeks have been things wrong with me. Anything I raised about hiom was brushed off. I guess I'm well rid really aren't I.

Like someone else said, take a deep breath and pull yourself together! I know it sounds harsh, but you don't have the luxury of feeling sorry for yourself or him. You have 2 beautiful daughters who now depend solely on you as their Mother to love them and that has to be your priority. It might seem hard now but things will get better..Don't be ashamed to ask for help, don't know if you have family close by but if not contact any charity that can provide support or your local church. All the best...

Don't be afraid to ask your parents help or anyone else's.

I think if you had planned the pregnancy when the relationship wasn;t great, fair enough but she was unplanned and then immediately loved - cannot be helped (no room for 'good contraception' lecture on here I think)

How are you coping day to day? i mean you have been living as single Mum for a long time so I presume you are doing a great job. And that as you have already been living seperately day to day live may not change so mcuh?

Myabe see how it goes on saturday? Chat about his access? That might be the hardest thing - if he sees the kids without you.

Day to day I cope fine really. Not living together meant that nothing much changed for me tbh and I do wonder if that's the problem. It never felt like a 'proper' relationship should. Him always going home to his parents instead of helping me run the house like most partners would caused some resentment I suppose, and has made me more determined to manage by myself- he always said I could leave stuff for him to do, but I did feel they were empty gestures as it is my house so my responsibility. Again, maybe I didn't give him a chance.
I'm dreading Saturday. Dd can't actually be taken anywhere as she breastfeeds almost constantly. I did express so dp could give her a bottle as I know he was feelign left out, but she never took to it despite trying different bottles. I don't liek the thought of her being taken away every weekend to visit him. I know that's incredibly selfish of me.

Gosh, no not selfsih. I would hate that too.

Sigh.... I mean if me and DH didnlt live together he would be over all the time seeing us both, doing washing, helping etc etc. he wouldn;t need me to leave things for him. Do you think he is freaking out a bit?

How old is he? he sounds very young - is he just immature?

ENjoy the week with your kiddies, see what happens on Saturday - wish I could actually do somthing ot help/

He's 32
I do wonder if he just had no idea what having a baby would involve- either for him or me. But essentially for him nothing has changed. He still goes home where everything gets done for him, he's bought nothing for dd (seriously, not even a little outfit or something) so I don't see what's to freak out about really. I think he resents a little that the baby takes so much of my time and energy.
My best friend has today told me she always thought he was immature. And I suppose he is. But I kind of put that down to him being childless. I've had to grow up, I've had responsibilities for years. He hasn't. I've completely lost my appetite today so I know this has upset me, but the more I think about it, the more it feels that this was inevitable. But I don't know if this is just normal adjustments after having a baby. Does everyone go through a rough patch?

Possibly, having a child does put strain on all aspects of life, including relationships. Though ideally you would og through the rough patch together rather than the reltationship being the rough patch.

Call on your support system: friends, family. they don;t need to knwo the nitty gritty, just get some company andideally some girlfriends to help you see this is not your fault and that he had it made - lovely lady, 2 gorgeous kids and is not living up to it.

night, hope all goes well

Well I didn't let him come over this weekend. Not that he pressed it. I've agreed to let him see dd in his lunchbreak on Tuesday, he has flexi so has a couple of hours. I really don't want him here while dd1 is, it'll be too confusing for her. It was her birthday this week and we didn't hear a thing from him :( Which is pretty shameful really considering his protestations about how much she did mean to him. Luckily she hasn't asked about him, which I suppose just goes to show how little his presence here has actually affected her.
The problem now is just how sick I feel at the thoght of seeing him. It's actually affecting me physically, I feel sick to my stomach and my legs feel wobbly when i think about it. I have no idea how I'm going to react to it. He's arranged to come here but I think it might be easier if we meet out? He walked out, I don't expect to be welcome in his house at the monent so I'm not sure I feel ok with him being in mine. But how am I going to get through this when it makes me feel so sick and sad :(

So sorry you're going through this when you should be enjoying those precious first few weeks with your DDs.

Definitely sounds like you are better off without him, especially given his indifference to DD1. I know you must feel really anxious about seeing him again and maybe neutral territory would be best.

wrt to the baby groups, I never went to any 'general' mother/baby groups but joined clubs with activities, so that I met people but didn't have to actually sit and chat (baby massage is great for tiny ones and maybe later, baby sign language or talking tots, so that there is always something to listen to and concentrate on, rather than just sitting and making small talk with people you don't know.)

HTH and please give your DDs head a little nuzzle for me!

Oh and read Chocoraisin's thread "nothing can drag you down when you're not holding on" - she's in a similar boat and is a total inspiration.

So sorry you are going through this

You will get through this, and find that you draw upon strength and reserve that you did not even know was there.

How awful that he ignored your DD's birthday, no loving Dad would do this.

Is there somewhere neutral you can meet so he isnt in your house?

You sound very strong to me, chin up

I don't feel very strong. I do feel more relaxed though which is a big positive, I do feel like I can relax at home and not have to have things tidy and organsied for when he is here. I know that pressure was my own hangup, he said and I believe, that he didn't care about the state of the place, but it does feel a relief not to have to have the place spotless.
He sent a text this week saying he'd of course provide for dd . It's almost as if he wants a medal. I don't know how to approach this though, I desperately do not want to seem grabby, and dd1s dad has never given us a penny. Do I give him my bank details and ask him to sort it out? It seems hugely awkward to have to mention it, but of course the money would come in useful. I stocked up on a huge amount of nappies before dd2 was born and I'm down to the last packet. I'd never asked him for contributions for stuff like this before.
Baby massage is a lovely idea and actually I think dd would enjoy it. She's a very calm baby as it is, though big and strong so it's be nice to do this class before she's too big.

Use this calculator to see what you can expect expect to receive in child support if you were to apply to the CSA: secureonline.dwp.gov.uk/csa/v2/en/calculate-maintenance.asp

Whatever sum you arrive at, back date it to the date of his dd's birth which means that he already owes you 7 weeks cs.

How he pays you - cash/cheque/bank transfer - is immaterial as what matters is that you can count on receiving cs on a regular basis.

As you are, understandably, feeling sick at the thought of him coming into your home again, you're best advised to meet him in a restaurant, coffee shop or, weather permitting, a park near your home.

Good luck, honey - you can do this!

I think you'd be better cutting all ties with him ASAP. He is never going to be a positive influence in your lives and your dd will never miss what she never had. Let him hang around and he will mess you all up for years.

The thing is margery, dd1's dad left before she was even born and has never wanted a thing to do with her. It makes me incredibly sad for her. So if exp actually wants to show an interest in the baby, then I really can't in good conscience stop him, as sick as it makes me feel. I know it makes me feel ill because it's still so raw. I mean he walked out on me a week ago. But I'm still putting one foot in front of the other and last week was hell. It's awkward for me to be telling people though. My friend came to the rescue and looked after dd1 for me so I could go to my grandad's funeral, but I didn't tell her it was because dp had left that I needed her help. His family were meant to be having her for me and tbh I really did think that it being a funeral they would still help. But no. I think this week will be about accepting it, and accepting help tbh, which is something I know I am terrible at.