That's the end of that, then

[GitAwfMayLend]

Me and DP have been teetering on the brink for a good year now. Have tried and tried but it hasn't worked (for loads of dull reasons, have rambled on on threads about it on MN before).

DD went away on Friday, we haven't really spoken since. We were invited to a Jubilee party at the weekend, we didn't go in the end. Couldn't bear the pretence that we are happy amongst his family (all of whom are happy).

I am sleeping in DD's room. We have just had a conversation and decided that we can't go on like this. So that's it. I am going to move out.

Not excellent timing as DD is in middle of GCSEs, so will wait until those are over I think before telling her, which will give me time to plan and for us to sort finances out.

I feel like shit, but not as bad as Ithought. Am fine but have pangs every so often when I remember.

One thing - I will NEVER believe it again. Never. We really did love each other and look what it has turned into. Never, ever, ever again.

Just a ramble on, no need to respond.

I'm sorry you are going through this, GetOrf

These days will pass. Six months from now, you will be in a much happier place. You are a strong woman, and you will bounce back from this.

Take good care of yourself through these tough days.

So sorry GetOrf (that you?).

The early weeks are the hardest.

Eventually it is ok. Then it is REALLY OK. You are in the darkest bit though and there is not much you can do but ride it out. Much love. xxx

GOML - I am so sorry that it has come to this. However, you haven't been happy in such a long time, I fear it's the right decision :(

Why not wait until DD's exams are over then talk to her - she might (despite what you think) quite fancy a change of scene (especially if it's somewhere a bit interesting!!). She can do her 6th form elsewhere...

I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it how it was when you first met :(

& lots of

I am just so bloody frightened.

Only two previous relationships ended in different ways - one bloke was sleeping with someone else so that was easy, and the other was an aggressive faithless twat who I didn't even like at the end, plus he lived away so I never saw him.

But there is nothing to dislike with DP other than the fact we have slowly made each other unhappy. I just feel so bloody fucking sad. There's no onwards and upwards from this - its onward and downwards, just waiting for dd to leave home. I will be a career woman devoted to her cats. I will by like one of those twats on the sheba ads but with crapper hair and a shabby dressing gown.

I am so sorry for the self pity.

He is my bloody FRIEND. Or was.

I was wondering when this would crop up again love.

You have given it your best, both of you but its obviously not worked.

So sorry, you know im close by,if you need a cup of tea and an ear then do say. I work in your town so am around in the week.

It was nice whilst it was nice,you havent harmed each other in any way so go easy on yourself.

The next page of your book has yet to be written. xx

Thansk you though you lovely lot. X

BWIW shall we feed her sugary carbs?

getorf so sorry that it has come to this and you can see no other way through, but also know you have not made a snap decision, this has been tumbling on for a long time.

I am relatively close if you need a bed, shoulder, wine or home made cake

This is so sad.

I know you say he won't go to counselling, but if you both care such a lot, it seems silly not to try.

When our relationship was in a really bad way, DH and I did a book called "The Marriage Course". It is somewhat religious, but neither of us are,and we could see past those bits. It was really good, and got us talking about what was going wrong, and we cleared up a lot of stuff. We would not be together today without it.

It gave us a structure for getting back on track with our relationship.

I know you say it's over, but as neither of you are being unreasonable, then maybe give it a go?

I just hate to see a good relationship wasted.

GOML, lol at the self pity, wallow in it at the moment if you like and plan your sad existence as a lonely spinster. Then realise that (I think!) you are younger than me and I am still such a bright young thing. I got IDed in the supermarket the other day (OK when she turned round and looked at me she said "no, no, it's OK after all" but still). You really have your life ahead of you for everything that entails - whether it's work, DD, cats, love life, or a combination of the lot. I know that's the least of your worries now, but your opportnities are not limited (well, only as much as the average person, at the age of 32 I have resigned myself to never being an astronaut or a world famous ballet dncer :o)

Love, you are so, so young still! Plenty of life left in you yet. I know it doesn't feel that way, but it's the truth.

Have a hot water bottle and try to rest. Tomorrow is another day and all that.

I remember a previous thread of yours, I'm in a very similar situation but with young children (isolated events!). FWIW I think you're really brave and making a good decision.

I understand you think there'll be no one else but I suspect one day there will, and that it will be a delight in it's normality.

ledkr!

Morning, Getorf. How are you this morning?

Hi GetOrf, really sorry you're going through this, I've so enjoyed the lighterhearted threads we've been on together. You know I'm not that far from you in RL? Not really time yet, and I think you're at work anyway, but what about and some coffee cake, with lots of walnuts?

He can still be a friend. Me and my exw split up 13 years ago. Both of us remarried and had other children but we remain very good friends and buy each others kids presents etc at Xmas/birthdays. It can be done and you can find happiness again.

Getorf, you and I were on a thread (which migrated to OTBT) together many moons ago when I was under a previous name. Your sadness at your situation was palpable through the screen, I am so very sorry that it has come to this.

I think, sometimes, we just grow apart, for some reason or even no reason at all. It's not your fault that this has happened.

You are still so young, you have time, if you want it, to find someone else. Or perhaps the time will come when you choose to find a succession of someones each of whom offer you a different perspective on life.

And one day, this will be a memory you struggle to remember, the sadness will fade and you will feel whole and complete once more.

I also think you should ask DD if she'd like to move for sixth form - you don't know if you don't ask.

I remember your previous thread from months ago and although it must unbelievably hurt I think it's the right decision. You deserve someone that appreciates you and he doesn't. I'm sorry but I don't have a good opinion of this man, long term you'll be better off. A d, oh yes, it hurts like hell now.

Thank you all so, so much for your kind words. They really help.

I feel a lot better this morning - it is a sunny day, I am back at work (so not sitting at home THINKING) and it is very busy which takes my mind of it.

Thanks so much for such lovely kindness in offering to meet and throw cake down my throat (carbs are welcome!) but unfortunately (or actually fortunately) I am working in London at the moment, bloody long days because it is a hell of a commute but at least it keeps me out.

I have to plan things but am just going to get this week out the way. Have seen some houses (POXY but at least they are cheap).

I will speak to DD about moving away but I would place money that she won't want to move. She certainly won't want to move to Ghana!

Sorry for the self pity fest yesterday. I think it is a very good thing that I am teetotal as drink would make me even more maudlin.

I have got to think positive - yes it feels like the end of the world at the moment but it isn't really - I am still only young (ish) like you say.

But then again in typing that I do still feel so bloody bereft at the end of it, I will miss him horribly. Not this shite as it has been for a year - but the nice and loving man which I fell in love with. But that ship has sailed.

Thank you all again - all your posts have really helped.

Plus I read a thread in active convos this morning from a MNer who is in the throes of utter depression - I feel so sorry for her, and it made me think that she is really suffering - and i am lucky in comparison.

getorf good morning. Just checking in to see how you are.
Recognising that the man you were married to is no longer there is sad, but you are right to recognise he is never coming back. It is the hope that kills you :(

However
Cake can be posted.
Houses can be un-poxified
Teenagers will be pissed off wherever they are
You are still you and you are fab!

gitawf Thinking of you today x

No, he's not the man you fell in love with

Sometimes you grow together. Sometimes you grow apart. And it can't always be fixed.

(I was going to put 'sometimes it can be fixed, sometimes it can't but that would have been unintentionally greetings-card-esque in its mawkishness )

You're not being over-self-pitying - it's a natural and human response to a shitty situation.

It is a natural and human response. I'm so sorry for the way you're feeling, GetOrf, and also glad that this painful episode of your life is closing. There's loads more of your story to be written!

It's worth treasuring what was good, I think, while regretting its loss. It wasn't a waste of time. You weren't mistaken. I have boundless faith in your ability to make more good choices in your future.

Yes, see whether DD fancies some changes of her own. Meanwhile, keep busy as it helps, and always remember to be kind to yourself. Lots of love.

And this is above all a process. Just because you know you're doing the right thing, and that you will ultimately be in a better place (emotionally and geographically!) doesn't mean that you can just be all logical and skip to that bit.

Which would be nice, sometimes, but makes us who we are, and empathic humans. Hopefully.

Thank you - you are so, so kind and wise.

Thank fuck for mumsnet.