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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex-W does it again and I took the bait

78 replies

Mico62 · 04/06/2012 17:03

We attended a christening for DH's nephew's baby yesterday. DH's eldest 2 children went with their spouses and who was sat between them in the church but ex-w. She never got on with any of DH's siblings, especially nephew's mum, so I don't know why she went - I could've understood it if their youngest had gone and needed a lift (50 mile round trip) but he doesn't get on with his cousin so refused to go.

As we came out of the church she headed straight for DH and told him she'd had a lovely day out with the kids at a place they used to go to when they were married, I stood there like a lemon feeling myself getting smaller and smaller.

When she saw she'd got the reaction she was after she said bye and got in her car and left leaving me feeling like the OW, even though they'd split up before I met DH and she's now living with someone else.

This is the 3rd time this has happened so how do I stop myself getting upset in these situations? We're not speaking today as DH won't ask his eldest, who he speaks to every day, or his sister who invited her so I've refused to go to the family party we should be at this afternoon.

OP posts:
Catsmamma · 04/06/2012 17:09

Take charge of the situation....greet her like a business acquaintance firm, friendly, not effusive. Give her a look up and down if you wish!

Join in the conversation and kick dh in the balls as soon as you get home if he jumps to her tune and not yours.

He should have taken any opportunity to big you up in front of her!

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent....Eleanor Roosevelt

Corgito · 04/06/2012 17:09

This is the one time when 'ignore them' is the only answer. If someone is acting in a particular way in order to seek attention then the best solution is not to give the reaction they are hoping for. If you can't avoid them, rehearse your super-lovely fake smile and non-specific greeting/pleasantries. "Ex-W! Fancy seeing you here. Wasn't it a lovely occasion?' etc. shortly before seeing someone that you and DH absolutely must go and talk to, do excuse us

shinyblackgrape · 04/06/2012 17:11

Genuinely - why do you feel like a lemon?

Unfortunately, when you have children together (if you are decent parents) you maintain a relationship which is ongoing. It sounds to me like she is just making polite chat. Why don't you join in, be polite and civil, and say how nice that must have been for them?

CoteDAzur · 04/06/2012 17:11

Why did this make you feel smaller and smaller? They are over, she is with someone else, your DH is obviously with you.

I don't understand why you are not speaking to your DH today.

unavailable · 04/06/2012 17:14

Your OP suggests you believe she is doing this to upset you and cause upset between you and your dh. Why then, are you letting her do exactly that?

I dont see why your dh should quiz his family about who invited her either - that will just make you look possessive and a little bonkers.

You should go to the party and be all smiles and confidence. Dont mention ex w.

shinyblackgrape · 04/06/2012 17:15

Just seen the thing re the family party. This is bonkers! You are being rude and difficult and the rest of the family will think you are slightly strange

What do you honestly expect DH to do? Ignore her in these situations - and make every family occasions awkward and difficult. Presumably you knew that he had been married before?

LineRunner · 04/06/2012 17:15

I think you might usefully put things in perspective.

clam · 04/06/2012 17:20

Well, as you say, they split up before you got together and she's now with someone else, so why on earth should you feel bad? Rise above it.
"When she saw she'd got the reaction she was after" Are you sure you're not imagining that? But if she was stirring, why give her the satisfaction of seeing you're annoyed? The only person suffering here is you. You're going to have to get over it.

Dprince · 04/06/2012 17:20

I would give her genuinely friendly hello and say things like 'that sounds lovely' with a genuine smile.
I think you are out of order not speaking to your dh and refusing to go to a party because he won't find out who invited her. Its none of you business who or why she was invited. You need to accept that, as they have kids together, she will keep popping up. Its not your dhs fault and you have played right into her hands as well as cutting your nose off. Imo, of course.

clam · 04/06/2012 17:22

And why are you insisting he ask his family who invited her? What does it matter anyway? Doesn't change anything. Your dh didn't, that's the main thing.
I think you're being childish to boycott a family party because of a sulk. If I were your dh I'd have gone without you.

Original poster
Mico62 · 04/06/2012 17:22

She's very good at manipulating people and DH won't stand up to her. Throughout their marriage she avoided as many family dos as she could but since we got married she turns up but doesn't speak to any of DH's family.

I'm annoyed because either SD told him she was going and he didn't tell me or she just assumed it would be ok for her mum to tag along. If she asked SIL then she should've asked DH if it was ok - the divorce was very acrimonious and his family know there was trouble at his daughter's wedding when I was told I had no right to be there and he said nothing in my defence.

OP posts:
Dprince · 04/06/2012 17:24

No one has to ask your dh if its ok to invite someone to their event. Neither the sister or SD.

LineRunner · 04/06/2012 17:26

That doesn't sound like you met him after they were divorced, to be honest.

unavailable · 04/06/2012 17:27

You are reacting in exactly the way she wants though! If you recognise what she is doing, why are you continuing to play into her hands.

Dprince · 04/06/2012 17:29

If you keep reacting like this, she will find out you didn't go today, she will keep showing up. If you don't react she may stop going. This is assuming that is what she is doing.

shinyblackgrape · 04/06/2012 17:31

I'm annoyed because either SD told him she was going and he didn't tell me or she just assumed it would be ok for her mum to tag along.

Eh?! Do you have a right of veto on the guest list for family events?

This all sounds very strange and dysfunctional. states the bleeding obvious But it sounds like you think ex wife is lurking round like some kind of first Mrs De Winter. She is always going to be part of DH's life to a certain extent by virtue of being the mother of his children. She will also go to family events by dint of this too. For the sake of your own sanity and marriage, you have to find a way to deal with this and rub along civily with her. Be the bigger person.

clam · 04/06/2012 17:35

If the family wish to invite her to their functions, despite her ignoring them once she's there, then that's up to them.
And if someone snubbed me at a family event, I wouldn't need my husband to step in and deal with it on my behalf. I'd punch them Grin deal with it myself. Although, to be fair, it would be nice for him to show some solidarity.

You need to step aside from all this - it's not your battle. Why make it even harder for your dh by kicking off about it. I can't imagine he was exactly thrilled to see her yesterday.

AmberLeaf · 04/06/2012 17:37

Tbh it sounds as though its YOU that has the problem with her.

Refusing to go to a party today and blanking your DH makes you look irrational.

Sposh · 04/06/2012 17:38

Did she leave him because he wouldn't stick up for her? Wink

oikopolis · 04/06/2012 17:40

you are being silly. she is the mother your stepchildren and as such is part of the family. you don't get to strop about her turning up at family dos. you come off as a bit childish in all this tbh.

in any case, even if she has sinister motives in turning up etc., who cares??? let her be stupid and manipulative. it's nothing you need to worry about.

CoteDAzur · 04/06/2012 17:43

Why couldn't you wait until she was gone, smile to your DH and say to him "Wow, she sounded desperate, talking about times when you were his wife"?

QuickLookBusy · 04/06/2012 17:44

Please don't put any blame on your SD. She is inbetween a rock and a hard place and it isn't really up to her to tell you that her mum is going to a family event.

I'm from a divorced family and family occasions were hell on earth because my mother hated my step mother. The think is I know my Mum behaved awfully. However my Step Mum behaved amazingly. She never once made a fuss, never said a word to us children about the situation and she wanted us to enjoy the day.

You need to stop letting her get to you, realise these occasions will be difficult, but suck it up for the sake of the children. I'm afraid it's all part of marrying someone who already has DC.

Teaandcakeplease · 04/06/2012 17:45

"This is the 3rd time this has happened so how do I stop myself getting upset in these situations? We're not speaking today as DH won't ask his eldest, who he speaks to every day, or his sister who invited her so I've refused to go to the family party we should be at this afternoon."

Why does DH have to ask them? Confused You need to learn to rise above and also I suspect your perception is scewing things somewhat.

Are you sure she really is playing this game? Perhaps DH doesn't want to ask, as they will start wanting to know why he is asking and perhaps then they will realise he is asking for you. Better to let it go imo.

I would talk to my ExH like that at a family event, although I would try and include the OW in the conversation. There would be no ulterior motive though. None at all. However my divorce wasn't acrimonious, despite him leaving me for her.

Go to the party. Rise above.

EmmaCate · 04/06/2012 17:47

I'd love to comment but my brain exploded trying to tie up all the familial relations.

In a hazy and befuddled way, I say listen to everyone telling you to ignore her.

Teaandcakeplease · 04/06/2012 17:48

"told him she'd had a lovely day out with the kids at a place they used to go to when they were married"

Oh I don't know. I do not operate on any sort of oneupmanship personally. Perhaps I am being unrealistic though. I just can't help thinking she was making conversation on something they once had in common