Ex-W does it again and I took the bait

[Mico62]

We attended a christening for DH's nephew's baby yesterday. DH's eldest 2 children went with their spouses and who was sat between them in the church but ex-w. She never got on with any of DH's siblings, especially nephew's mum, so I don't know why she went - I could've understood it if their youngest had gone and needed a lift (50 mile round trip) but he doesn't get on with his cousin so refused to go.

As we came out of the church she headed straight for DH and told him she'd had a lovely day out with the kids at a place they used to go to when they were married, I stood there like a lemon feeling myself getting smaller and smaller.

When she saw she'd got the reaction she was after she said bye and got in her car and left leaving me feeling like the OW, even though they'd split up before I met DH and she's now living with someone else.

This is the 3rd time this has happened so how do I stop myself getting upset in these situations? We're not speaking today as DH won't ask his eldest, who he speaks to every day, or his sister who invited her so I've refused to go to the family party we should be at this afternoon.

I don't understand all this rancour. It sounds as though you are determined to fault her. Presumably she was invited to her children's relative's christening. She did not show up uninvited. She made smalltalk. She saw it was making you uncomfortable, made her excuses and left.

And now you are causing a big issue. It looks as though you are trying to cause a rift between your DH and either his sister or his child (whichever one of them committed the 'crime' of inviting your DH's ex) and being utterly childish and refusing to go to a party.

You're being vair silly and should buck up and stop it. Have a drink. You're celebrating a new baby!

And which of you is coming off worse in the family's view at the moment? The ex-wife? Or you, who presumably had a face like a cat's bum at the Christening yesterday and who is obviously still stropping about it today as you've cried off today's family party?

she probably thinks its hilarious that she can make you feel so small just by speaking to her ex husband. it would surely be more childish for them to blank each other at a family function and its no business of anyone else who invited her.

i would laugh my head off if my ex husband's wife was so insecure she was frightened to even engage in a civil conversation at a family do.

You are being very childish and silly by blaming your DH for something that cant possibly be his fault! It doesnt matter how come she ended up being there, aslong as HE didnt invite her!

You should be ashamed of yourself, and you call his ExW manipulative!

Oh and BTW, your title is incorrect.

YOU did it again and your DH is the one who has to suffer.

You sound very insecure.

And a bit paranoid.

And like you'd just love her to be painted by all the family as some evil harridan and then you go all cosmic when they don't.

She was invited then? Your op gives the impression she just rocked up. She was invited, none of your business. This happens with blended families.

I think it's you with the problem here. Raining off a family party, not speaking to your dh as he will not drag his kids into your mess (commendable of him). I think some growing up is in order.

Actually, if the christening was during a service open to everyone then she didnt even need to be invited, she had as much right to be in church as anyone else!

I know bogey, bit still it did all sound very, "she gatecrashed" but erm.....yeah she was invited! As you get further down.

Please don't feel upset because everyone is in agreement on this one, it can feel like ganging up on Aibu, but in this case it is not. If you are able to take the advice on here and go give dh a hug and say sorry and let this go, that is your best revenge. My dp's ex and mother of his children is a narcissistic drama queen, but I've always been polite and kept out of it. I have a strong relationship with her now grown-up children, becauae they've never had to make choices/take sides. Your dp already took your side by marrying you, don't put him into a difficult situation that could poison your marriage. Good luck, smile and wave!

She might have invited herself.

In future "It's such a shame your current relationship is so poor you have to reminis (?sp) about the one you lost / gave away / ruined"(delete as applicable)

Or stay silent and count how many more wrinkles she has that you didn't notice last time you met.

So what do you want? A guarantee that she will never be present anywhere that you go ever again, even if it is stuff that she is probably historically and genetically more entitled to be part of than you?

Or are you happy for her to attend so long as she agrees to not come within 30 feet of a man she was married to for years, has children with, and clearly still maintains a civil relationship with?

You sound a bit childish and needy.

I posted that immediately after reading the OP, but glancing upthread I can see I am not alone.

Just thought I'd add that before I get accused of jumping in on a bundle.

OK, read the thread now. Re: his daughter's wedding and your right to be there. How long had they been separated and how long had you been together before her wedding? How well did the DD know you and like you and want you there? TBH I do think there are times/circumstances when for the sake of a nice atmosphere at a wedding a new partner probably shouldn't attend - it might just be too soon/too raw for all concerned.

It isn't about your 'right' it's about what is right, for the sake of the bride and groom. Unless they would have desperately missed having you there then what you wanted may not have been the most important thing that day.

How pathetic do you both sound?

(That´s you & ex btw)

You sound sulky and immature, and it sounds more like you are the one with issues and insecurities.

I dont get on with my husbands ex, (the mother of his 3 adult children), and rather than create a bad atmosphere, I didnt go to the eldest's wedding. Sometimes as the second wife you do have to take a step back and stay out of things.

She had every right to be there and it is NONE of your business as to who invited her.

Punishing your husband for your insecurities is a sure fire way to make you look like the irrational one.
Next time she mentions something that you see as an attempt to 'get' at you, smile sweetly and say to DH 'Oh yes Darling, you told me about that place - sounds lovely - we really must get a trip there.'

Good lord it doesn't sound like you are helping the situation! Just ignore her. Why you think you get to tell her where she can and can't go and what she can and can't say. So she might still be jealous and might be trying to get at you. It wont help to hound her, her children or your DH, you will make yourself look stupid and alienate everyone.

Probably both! At some point one of them has to grow up!

Oh dear. That is probably going to get deleted isn't it? I'll report myself shall I?

Or both, Her Maj.

Sorry but I think you are over reacting

If she and your DP have children then they are connected forever like it or not.
She does not need permission to speak to her Ex Husband and I think you just need to man up a bit, if she is making you feel small it is because you are letting her

dont think OP liked the answers