Ex-W does it again and I took the bait

[Mico62]

We attended a christening for DH's nephew's baby yesterday. DH's eldest 2 children went with their spouses and who was sat between them in the church but ex-w. She never got on with any of DH's siblings, especially nephew's mum, so I don't know why she went - I could've understood it if their youngest had gone and needed a lift (50 mile round trip) but he doesn't get on with his cousin so refused to go.

As we came out of the church she headed straight for DH and told him she'd had a lovely day out with the kids at a place they used to go to when they were married, I stood there like a lemon feeling myself getting smaller and smaller.

When she saw she'd got the reaction she was after she said bye and got in her car and left leaving me feeling like the OW, even though they'd split up before I met DH and she's now living with someone else.

This is the 3rd time this has happened so how do I stop myself getting upset in these situations? We're not speaking today as DH won't ask his eldest, who he speaks to every day, or his sister who invited her so I've refused to go to the family party we should be at this afternoon.

Yabu.

I still think the OP knew her DP before the divorce.

Sorry, only read the first few replies... ABSOLUTELY take charge. Take control.

My DH's Ex mentally battered my for years. She'd cross the road rather than deal with me now

FFS! I have just read some of the replies. So the OP is insecure. It's hardly a crime is it? I was very inseure when I met my DH. He had been married, had children (one of whom died), been through a breakup, I was as green as they come. I didn't have children. I tried to listen to his ex re. the kids. I tried to be a good stepmum. I tried to remain impartial when my DH told me she was a bit unhinged, they had lost a child and it affected them both deeply.

It took me years (atleast 3) to grow a pair. And you know, when I did... it became GLARINGLY obvious which one of us was acting unreasonably.

But, you know... since I DID stand up to her, SHE is the one that feels small and avoids meetings (she used to love them before, especially the ones where I wouldn't know she was going to be there). Funny that.

I think you've all been a bit harsh. Ex W's like this DO exist.

This thread is not about your life, though.

All this ex-wife has done is (1) show up at a family event she was invited to, and (2) say a few words to the father of her children.

But, Cote, it's what it represents. ,

It clearly isn't about this one situation.

Just be cleverer and more gracious about handling this one - you'll probably earn dh's and the family's undying gratitude. There are some good suggestions on this thread about how you might reply.

She was married to him and had kids with him. Is there a danger you are totally overreacting here?

At a family event, she stops and has a minor chat with her ex and you think it's all about you?

I don't think it is at all. Your H and his exW are connected forever. They will chat. They do have common experiences. It's not all about you. If you don't like it just ignore her. But why are you punishing your H and family?

My DH and his ex do not chat.

She SPEAKS to him.. Lectures / shouts are perhaps better words. Well, she doesn't even do that anymore since she sees it's not getting the result she wants.

On the odd occasion my DH knew he had to deal with her, he'd have a glass of wine first. There was NEVER an occasion that she didn't pull a stunt (like telling him the wrong start time for a party and then laughing to all her 'mates' that he'd just come to clean up - I use the term 'mate' loosely as she's never managed to keep a friend longer than a couple of years)

She played some vicious tricks on me. She did silent phone calls on me when my DS was 10 days old (and yes, I knew it was her, because I have choose to refuse and blocked her number and she then proceeded to use my step children's numbers too and they got blocked too) but I just feel sorry for her.

I just can really appreciate from where the OP is coming from.

Ah, but the OP has gone......the question from line runner is unanswered, was OP the OW?!

I don't think your situation is remotely comparable to what the op has said worrywort! The op is concerned the ex has gone to an event she was invited to and spoke to her ex husband, hardly abusive or harassing and actually would be quite nice for the children. Then the op has had a hissy trying to make her h do unreasonable things he wouldn't do and childishly tried to ruin a family party. The ex may be jealous and insecure too but how the op has behaved is very unreasonable and won't help. A lot of us have to put up with difficult things from exes, you have to be the bigger person for the dcs but the op has not said anything that makes the xw look unreasonable at all to me.

She says not and I am inclined to believe her, because she doesnt come across as the OW that "won" her man iykwim. She does come across as a woman who thinks she might be second best though.

worry - I'm sure it was so, but this thread isn't about you and you can't expect the XW in OP's life to be exactly like yours.

But Cote - who says she isn't?

By the time my DS was born (he's 4), I'd got the measure of my DH's EX and she certainly would not have spoken to me, but that didn't stop her pulling a lot of silent tricks. Now she knows that I will publicly pull her up on stuff, it's just silence (I'M not complaining)., I am not joking when I say she would cross the road rather than be FORCED to allow her children to be pleasant to mine (they are, after all, half siblings and get on amazingly well when EX is not about)

It just sounds like the OP has a whole back catalogue of behaviours which is why she has reacted the way she has to this episode.

Worry - the op suggests to me she doesn't. If you were posting about your h's xw then would you post about how she was invited to an event, came and spoke to her ex or would you mention all the downright creepy headfuck shite you did mention? The op has not alluded to or mentioned anything worse than, it seems, her h's ex speaking to him and coming to something she was invited to.

You sound like you're reacting exactly how she wants you to.

Your dh is married to you, she's married to someone else, they separated before you met, you are being a little childish here. Why didn't you just join in the conversation? You would have if it had been anyone else, wouldn't you? You'd have asked about the place, whereabouts it is, how long it takes to get there, what the queues are like etc etc etc. Or you'd have said something about having gone last week and it's nice there or something.

Just what a traumatised family needs, someone who sounds like a trouble making, insecure wooden spoon.

Get over yourself

I still want to know about the step daughters wedding. Did she actually want you there or not OP? Who was it told you you had 'no right' to be there, and were you aware of that before you went, but went anyway?

We're not speaking today as DH won't ask his eldest, who he speaks to every day, or his sister who invited her so I've refused to go to the family party we should be at this afternoon.

What exactly was it you wanted your DH to ask? Whether she would be at at the party? or who invited her to the christening?

I think it's right that you do not go to the party. If there is a chance you and ex-W are both invited and you do not wish to spend any time in her presence then it's quite simple - just stay away. No need to put yourlsef in a situation where you feel got at. Your DH will understand, I'm sure.

What you don't have the right to do is going around laying down the law to others about who should and should not be invited to events that are not hosted by you, not for you, and not all about you.

Oh, but you mustn't throw a tantrum is DH goes without you.

Worry the ex w has gone to a family event and had a short conversation with her exh and the op is demanding to know who invited her. She won't speak to her dh or go put as planned because she believes its her right to know and dictate who attends what. Its not. Regardless of her behaviour the op can nit dictate everyone roses interaction with her.

Oh, I see. I understood it that the ex had just shown up 'protected' by her kids so that no one would ask her why she'd come not that she'd actually been invited

Not been able to respond as internet has been down.

ExW was not invited - confirmed by SIL who was annoyed by her coming.

I was not the OW - as someone who was left homeless with 2 young children when my ex ran off with the proceeds of our housesale to live with someone he'd met online I would not put another woman or family through what we went through.

I was invited to the wedding, my 2 DDs were asked to be bridesmaids by their SS. I was told by ex-w's mother and sister I had no right to be there and should not be on any photographs - I did as they asked about the photos and did not cause a scene but did stay for the sake of my daughters as they did not know anyone else there and were too young to leave, DH was obviously busy greeting guests etc at his daughter's wedding.

Every time DH builds bridges with his children his ex manages to cause trouble. His youngest wanted to come and live with us so he could go to the local 6th form, which has an excellent reputation in September, he is more than welcome here, has his own bedroom, but his mum has vetoed it.

I agree I did overreact and was silly to get drawn into her mindgames. BTW I did apologise to DH and go to the party on Monday night where her presence at the christening was the topic of conversation.

Glad you sorted it out with your dh.

How about next time she turns up you and dh go over and say the "You've not invited yourself AGAIN have you" with smug smiles on your faces...