mum is self-absorbed attention-seeking child-like drama queen - what is this?

[singlemum2012]

I've been reading stuff on narcissism but that just doesn't fit as she isn't deliberately mean, she means well and thinks she is doing her best as a mum/grandma. But if she isn't a narcissist I don't know what else to call her. To know might help me assess the damage to me and help me move forward with stronger self-esteem and healthier relationships.

It's always been about her, she's always been oblivious to anyone else's needs.
She's an only child.
Her mother was jealous and possessive of her, after her dad died at 15 she wouldn't let her leave home to go to teacher training college or travel, she made her get a job to support her, my grandma never worked. So she had it tough when she was younger. She's now retired and finally doing all the travelling she wanted to do and living her dream.
She acts like a child a lot of the time, doing things for attention like drawing attention to any physical discomfort she may be in, can talk for hours about her bowel movements/piles.
She wants my attention constantly and I find her exhausting. If I am trying to do something else on on the computer she just sits and stares at me.
I've never liked her touching me, I have no idea why. I am very tactile with my children and men I have dated. To try and touch me she will do things like tickle my foot if I am sitting next to her on the sofa or poke me in the back of the neck which I just find immensely irritating.
She dislikes babysitting the children and had made it clear she doesn't want to, so I no longer ask. Once I left her with them for two hours while I went to an exercise class and to get some groceries in, when I got back she was in floods of tears because she "couldn't work my coffee maker". My take on this was she was punishing me for leaving me with the kids.
She's constantly looking for affirmation eg I offer her some cake and its ooo I shouldn't, think of my waistline, but ooo it looks so nice, I'm so naughty aren't I, looking for a reaction from me...I am mentally rolling my eyes. Or she'll go on about her unattractive figure, how small her boobs are, how big her bum or tummy are...I keep quiet.
She and her comfort always comes first, she won't put herself out for anyone.

She'll offer to help but then make such a hash of it / pretend she can't do it / moan about it so you end up doing it anyway.
When I told her about me and ex-dh breaking up her reaction wasn't one of sympathy, it was, why didn't you tell me sooner, I thought you were a bit off with me because of something I had done, how could you let me think that, I was so upset thinking it was me...not a word of sympathy/empathy.

I could go on...any thoughts anyone??

The only diagnosis I can give is she is a major pita. Sorry not much help. I don't always think people need to be labelled. Some are just simply self involved pitas.

I'm just wondering what effect this has had on me. I don't find relationships easy.

Having a parent like this can have many effects. Everyone is different and the same experiences can impact 2 people very differently. Sorry I am not sure what it is you are getting at.

Imagine you had an uncomfortable bit of news. You had a problem with a co-worker, or a lump in your boob.

How would she take the news/react?

Reads like a narcissist to me. It's the "deliberately mean" bit that's holding you back? Where did you get that from? Narcissists lack empathy and don't care how their actions affect others.

Would a label help you? I can understand that, as a step in the process of acceptance. But ultimately, Dprince is right: all you need to know is that she presents behaviours you dislike, and which you are entitled to dislike, whether or not they are diagnosable as a personality disorder.

How do you think her behaviour has affected your approach to relationships?

Well I have low self-esteem, I grew up thinking I was ugly/abnormal. It took me a long while to get over that (less than 2 years ago I finally believed I was attractive and worth something, after some good counselling, counsellor was not an expert in families though so could not advise re my mum).

Abitwobblynow - re co-worker she'd probably listen then feel inadequate that she didn't have any answers to help, and probably turn the conversation around so that it was about her. Re the boob...hard to say...probably worry...then worry about her own boobs.

From what I have read about narcissists they claim credit for your own achievements, negate your achievements. It was more of a neglect than using me. She just never had any interest in myself as a person and never noticed my needs.

Your experience sounds typical of someone with a self-absorbed/narc/inadequate/disordered parent. Glad you had some good counseling!

If you want to explore the link between your upbringing and self-esteem issues, and read about how to manage your adult relationship with your self-absorbed parent, there are plenty of good links at the start of the Stately Homes thread.

Thanks, I'll have a look at that.

she's a narcissist. Sorry.

Narcissists are the most neglectful parents. They are so self-absorbed that the needs of others, even small children, simply do not feature. I have heard absolute horror stories, including putting children in very real danger and drownings, simply because they could not be bothered with them.

The awful thing, single, is that you are then drawn to narcissists, because they are what you know.

What was your relationship with your child's father like? What is he like? Why did it go wrong, do you think?

PS: 'claim credit'... what does turning the conversation around to her no matter what the subject and despite the fact that you need real attention mean! It means she is claming credit...

He was cold, selfish, provided for us materially and did all the right things but was emotionally unavailable and had not interest in spending any time with me or being affectionate, although he had no problem spending time with the kids and cuddling them. It was more fun and we were closer in the start but that just died.

Interestingly, I started the psychopath thread a couple of weeks back as well, was wondering whether to stay with a guy who was a bit odd and I wasn't sure if he was dangerous. Everyone told me I was crazy but I didn't realise it till they told me. Turns out he's a sociopath.

I'm talking to my counsellor on Monday 11th (I can't afford to see her regularly at the moment) as I know I need help with my dating choices, so this is all really helpful, thanks.

Abitwobblynow - I didn't really see always turning the conversation round to yourself as claiming credit, I thought it meant claiming credit for academic achievements for example. Interesting.

It does sound like your mum has narc tendencies, even if not full blown. To be honest it doesn't really matter - she is behaving like one much of the time, at least.

Your child's father sounds like the kind of person you'd be drawn to if you mother was a narc. And the sociopath too.

Daughters of Narc Mothers Not sure if you've already seen this website, but I know it helped me a lot.

Good on you for seeing someone to sort out your choices of partner.

Narcissists are sometimes quite happy to make a big deal of your achievements because it reflects on them as a parent. There is a lack of empathy or understanding of how you feel so, e.g. when your relationship broke up it was how it affected her that is important not how you felt. They can be experts at playing the victim - they don't have to face their faults or work at change - and it gets YOU to do the things they don't want to.

I think all this diagnosis is really dangerous and potentially very damaging to you.

People tend to project alot on the internet, don't take all that has been said to heart. How can anyone judge on the basis of the limited version of events presented.

As a woman with AS, I will say it is just possible that she could be a fellow 'sufferer'. We are often accused of making it all about us, when our way of showing sympathy can be to find something similar in our own experience and talk about that. We often have very low self esteem, and it certainly sounds like you M does. And many of us don't know how to initiate touch.

I am quite technical in a theoretical way, but can certainly imagine myself in tears at not being able to work a coffee machine. It makes you feel like even more of a failure.

I am nearly 60, and have now come to terms with myself, and am much happier. But it was a very long process.

Should this be the case I am not sure what advice to offer. Perhaps to try and cut her some slack, because she may actually be doing her best. Part of growing older is realising that parents are just people, and are often doing the best they can, even if they are getting it wrong.

I could have written that post about my own mother! I think its made me quite a cynical person and v independent I guess but yeah I just potter along with lots of eye rolling

ThePinkPussycat - what is AS?

I feel I have been cutting her slack and accommodating her for years to be honest. Very rarely have I told her how I really feel, in an attempt to get close to her, and she has completely over-reacted.

When I was younger I was known as the girl with the scruffy hair. She only washed my school uniform once a term. She didn't realise I needed a bra until way way after the time when I should have been wearing one. It's only ever been about her. I could never confide in her about anything.

And yes I think probably that she doesn't realise this and thinks she is doing her absolute best. Still that doesn't negate the hard time I had as a child and now as a mother myself.

AS=Aspergers. DF has it, and I spend my childhood wondering if he loved me (he does). Of course the knowledge doesn't negate the childhood, but it helped me to understand my own story and to know I could not rely on him to act like 'normal' fathers do.

I thought I was bad only washing my kids' uniform once a week

I had a clean shirt once a week. But the skirt and jumper were termly washes!!

I only owned one of each. We were poor - she made my skirt with her sewing machine - but it wouldn't have cost much to make two. She also made my raincoat as well (cue more humiliation!!). And all my other clothes, apart from those we got second hand. This is not because she wanted to lovingly handcraft all our clothes though - she was and still is anal about spending money.

Singlemum your experiences sound so similar to mine! I only had one uniform till about 14 (although she did wash it every week); only had one jumper though, which I had to wear EVERYWHERE until it fell apart.

And my sister had to get me a bra as mum didn't think I needed one. And every conversation is about her eg
Family friend "Don't worry, beaten, I didn't get married till I was older",
Cue mum: "Well I don't care if she gets married, why should I? Nah, doesn't bother me".

WTF?

I don't think my mum is full blown narc, and I don't think for a minute that she intended to be neglectful, but she was. And the damage is still the same.

Sorry to hijack your thread single, but my stbxh is exactly the same as your exh! I just wondered if there was anyone who knows what sort of personality that is? Also have a mum who is a bit odd! She won't leave the house without make up, is always trying to find ways to get me to lose weight, constantly trying to make me think like her and is a nightmare with keeping secrets between her and my kids, so much I have to keep serious tabs on her with them.

KUWTJ - I've just been reading the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers linked further up the thread and quite a few of your mothers traits are there!

Not leaving house without make-up/weight concerns is under Narc Mothers & Vanity

Trying to make me think like her is under The Engulfing Narc Mother