Please help me to save my marriage...

[BlueWorrier]

Hi, this is long and complicated - apologies in advance.

I've previously posted on here about issues with DSS and DH's guilt issues meaning that every spare minute outside of work is spent with DSS, hence no quality time to ourselves as newlyweds. We are working thru this and have arranged to change DSS timings as DH agreed they were pretty unsustainable.

So far so good...

The problem I have is that since marrying last August, DH and I have had an amazing time, but he just doesn't seem to 'need' me as much as he used to, mostly in a physical sense, for instance he'll get really grumpy if I just lean across and kiss him if I don't manage to time it right with whatever's on tv! He is pretty stressed with his job which may explain some of it.

To add to this, we both work in the same place, along with an old flame of mine. I met the other man about 13 years ago and there was instantly a chemistry there, but we never really did much about it because he's 11 yrs older than me and I just assumed it'd never work. We did have a few snogs/semi-dates over a 5 year period but I always felt like he really wasn't interested in me for anything more so I didn't bother keeping in touch when our jobs took us apart.

Fast-forward to five years ago, and our jobs brought us back together again. He was married and I was with DH but not married yet. We are great friends and DH gets on really well with him too. I started to get a bit suspicious when this friend made a move on me a couple of months before my wedding - I was surprised but put it down to him being a bit bored in his marriage. We agreed to put it behind us and stay friends.

Anyway, out of the blue, 2 months ago he announces he's handed in his resignation at work and is taking a sideways move to somewhere else - very odd. Last week, he told me that the reason he is leaving is me (!) as apparently there's a huge physical attraction there and he feels that he can't carry on with his marriage with the feelings he has when he sees me every day. I am gutted - because he is my best friend, because I feel that I don't know where I stand with him any more, because he won't talk it through with me, gutted for lots of reasons.

But mostly I'm gutted because I feel like we missed our chance - we could've had something great together. We both said we thought it wouldn't have worked, then admitted we said it because we thought it'd make the other person feel better! I know that him leaving is hopefully going to help with this and although I'm sad, it's got to be done.

I just want to work on my marriage as I know that DH is the one for me - whatever did or didn't happen in the past is done and I just want to build a happy life with my husband. I've suggested date nights, mini breaks etc but he's not interested. And this makes me angry as I need to feel happy in my current relationship to get over this other man. Knowing that the other man feels the same has made it a hundred times worse. What can I do to bring back the 'spark' I used to have with my husband? I feel like I've made the choice to be with him but am not getting much back; I just need him to make me happy right now.

Sorry for rambling :( please help!

dogeared that's an idea...I'll try and dig some candles out and brew up a spag bol - he likes that!

I have tried talking to him about it. He tells me that I'm being silly and he loves me as much as he always did but I have to accept things change in relationships. I can kind of understand that but I also don't think it should be used as an excuse to stop making an effort. I still want to make him happy and show him I love him all the time and find it hard to understand that he doesn't behave in the same way as me in that respect.

Yes I do understand - it's not the little boy's fault, any of this.

However, you need to understand that if you have a baby of your own there is never any "downtime". You either need to let the past, and your expectations go, and start to accept life as a parent - or move on from this situation.

Your DH does sound as though he is taking a lot for granted though. If you have a child with him, don't think things will be any different - you have seen the reality of life with him.

There is no point thinking "I will feel better when we have our own child". In the situation you describe, I very much doubt that will be the case.

Thanks olgaga, that's really helpful. Lots to think about in that respect...

is this about sex?

are you asking if your husband doesn't put out more then should you consider an affair/leaving him for tjis other man?

Errr no!

Our sex life is good.

I don't want to be with the other man. I could have cheated lots of times but have not done so and I will never do so. I don't want to leave my husband, I just want things to go back to how they were :(

Only real significance of other man is that the fact he's declared all this recently has made me properly analyse where I am with DH.

Does that make sense?! I'm not sure if it does when I try to put it into words!

I don't think you are horrible. I think you have got no perspective on the situation. I get you are upset but it would be very silly to bring another child into this situation now. You really need to sort out your current family. Either you are willing to support your husband to be a parent to his son or you aren't. The important one here is the dss. You and his father are adults who are involved in making your own informed decisions, the dss is at risk of being pulled from pillar to post by whims and wishes without any control over it. It is really important you view things as though you are joining his family with his dad not that he is an imposition on your marriage.

Oh my word that last post sounds awful..."could have cheated" means being alone with other man through work, knowing he feels like that, deliberately avoiding him to escape getting into dodgy situations!

Thanks offred that's the kind of sense I need to be talked into me at the moment. :)

This is the settling period blue. I advise you sort your own feelings out and then work on opening up communication with your h. Reconstituted families are hardwork and it is very difficult to maintain each of the very different and often competitive relationship dynamics. You sound committed to it and that's a start. Give it time and think hard about your feelings but also what is important.

I wouldn't mind in the slightest if we suddenly had my stepsons every weekend but I would have a problem if housework couldn't be done when they were here because all activity had to be child centred. Last weekend we did a massive garden tidy up while the boys played. We essentially ignored them (they were in eyesight). Next weekend it's all going ti be about fun stuff. That's normal family life.

I'd also struggle if I didn't have dates or romance or trips without the kids (my parents left us with my grandparents - this isn't a step parent thing).

The kid sounds like a total red herring to
me. Yes relationships change but they should evolve along mutually agreed lines. You want to go out, your DH doesn't and thinks you should accept that. That is your problem in my eyes.

I don't think you, your dh, your relationship and way more importantly your stepson are ready for a baby. I think it would be a disaster.

Blueworrier - I've been really harsh on this thread and I'm sorry. I do stand by the basics of what I said, but maybe I should either have not posted or been more constructive.

I have to admit to an 'agenda' for want of a better word - having been the stepchild of a stepmother who did not allow me the time or support I yearned for with my father. It's a looonnng story. Hope you are ok.

Blueworries, I totally get what you are saying, you are getting no couple time and your husband seems less than concerned with being affectionate or interested in you (e.g. withdrawing if you kiss him etc).

The stepson is a red herring. I would not want a relationship in which I never ever went out on the weekend with my husband, nor could have an hour chat on the weekend, or had to be some type of entertainment manager all weekend doing activities so I started my week knackered and with no housework done at all.

I have two children (my own) and I need downtime and couple-time, even a couple of hours on the weekends to function both in a relationship and in my job. Your needs are important too, everyone in a family need to have their needs considered for part of the time, your life is not a housekeeper/martyr.

I disagree with everyone who says suck it up. Your ss is not learning a good lesson, he's not part of a family, he's the main event and only his needs are being met. This is actually not good for him.

However, I agree everyone that focusing on things like trying to go back to one weekend in two and weekdays is just misguided. it makes you look like you are resistant to the SS, whereas actually what you want is for your needs to be heard and recognized. It is perfectly possible for that to happen while you have your step-son all weekend, say by having a takeaway when he's gone to bed and for you to curl up together for a cuddle, or by you staying in the house while your husband takes your step-on out for the day, so you can have some rest and do some housework and downtime for you.

The fact he's your step-son is irrelevant, my life does not revolve solely around my two children all weekend, they are members of the family but no-one will benefit if our relationship suffers or collapses through lack of attention.

Waitingforme, I seem to have written what you said in a longer way, sorry!

Op - you sound very needy. What do you do for yourself to make you happy? Do you have friends? Your dh has commitments to his son, but there is no stopping you from doing whatever you want in the week/weekend. Why not stop making your dh and marriage your focus and just start spending your time focusing on doing things that make you happy. You might be surprised that by making yourself less available to your dh, he may start wanting to do more things as a couple. He may have the time and space to start missing you a little. You may also feel more independent.

if you ever are going to have a child of your own with dh then he needs to learn how to 'be' with children at the weekend without being their full-time entertainment manager, and his ds would benefit from this too - i think having your dss less weekends won't help as the ones you do have him will still be 'disney', maybe even more so - you need to learn to work together at weekends, with everybody getting a rest, chores getting done, some child-centred time but also occassional adult time with not everything revolving aorund the child(ren). THAT i think is the issue here.

OP, I think you have had an unnecessarily hard time over this and I feel for you. As a couple of other people have now said I think the problem is not with your DSS but your DH's attitude to how you feel. Him saying that things change in a relationship and you have to accept it seems very unreasonable. It is true that things do change, but it sounds to me like he is saying now we are married I don't need to put any effort in any more and you just need to live with that.

I think a baby now would be a really bad idea, as it would magnify any existing issues. In answer to what can you do to save your marriage I would say you need a frank talk with your DH, but the marriage will only work long term if you are both willing to put in the effort, it can't all come from you!

If the OP had come on here saying that her DH refuses to go out, doesn't show her any attention, refuses to let her organise a sitter so they can have some down time, and spent every waking minute devoted to making life super-fun for their DS, we would all (I think) agree that he is being selfish. An issue has been made on this thread about the fact that over the fact this child is her DSS rather than her DS.

The OP is being given an unnecessarily hard time. She is a newly wed, her DH is not presenting a realistic picture of parenting and he is also refusing to do anything on a social level with her even while the child sleeps? How is this ok?
I think it's pretty normal to feel sad about the other guy when your own guy thinks you're invisible.
OP you need to have a serious talk with your DH

Excellent post by mumsy

Thanks all - I was a little upset that some of the initial posts seemed to paint a picture of a wicked selfish stepmum - I'm really not that at all! In fact DSS is asleep on me right now - we had to cancel today's activity as he came out in chickenpox this morning! We are having a picnic in the lounge instead!

The bottom line is that I just want my husband to love me and pay me some attention, and not just treat me as a nanny or housekeeper, which seems to have been the case since the wedding. I do have hobbies and friends who I go out with but firstly I don't want to do that too much as I'd miss seeing DSS and secondly I'd also like to go out with my friends AND my husband. We are both in the same circle of friends so that should not be an issue.

Just out of interest, why did his relationship with his childs mother break down?

I say that because sometimes people, men in particular struggle with relationships in general. My relationship with my 1st wife ended because she had an affair but on reflection most of the issues were down to my lack of attention to her.

What I am saying is maybe he was a bit like this in his other relationship and that's why it ended. You will of course have only heard his take on this and it's rare for a man to admit his own failings so we will often blame the woman.

His child didnt ask for this situation so you need to cut him some slack, I think you are maybe seeing him as the problem when it is totally your husband that is the problem.

Him being so lethargic about your relationship less than a year in to being married should be a major concern. It's like he is bored with it already.

You need to talk to him. The other man is just a side issue that has made you realise what is lacking in your relationship.

His previous relationship broke down for a few reasons...he felt his wife had stopped being a wife since the birth of their son, i.e. stopped paying him any attention, focused 100% on son and not on him at all. He also said he felt that they got married because it felt like the "right" thing to do as they'd been together so long but it was only afterwards that he realised he'd felt pressured into making more of a commitment when actually he should've taken a step back. By then she was pregnant so he stuck it out for a bit longer but eventually realised that he was not going to be happy with things as they were.

Maybe he has a distorted view of what marriage should be like. I would be a bit worried about what you have just said if I were you. Having a child is the hardest thing in the world for any couple and if you still want 100% attention from your wife after a child comes along then you are not living in the real world.

If you want kids then this could easily happen all over again. I think people are what they are and rarely change even if their life circumstances change.

He may feel very guilty about splitting up the family home and will lavish all of his attention on his son because of this. He may well be treating you 2nd best because to him you are 2nd best. The need to show your love to a child is very strong when you split up especially when you don't see your child all week.

You need to tell him how you feel because based on what you have told so far I can see problems coming in your marriage.

I don't think the op was given an unnecessarily hard time. In all honesty the op sounded very selfish and needy. As she has explained more or reworded things it has become more understandable and the replies have changed with it. Yes people are going to focus on the dss, even the op admitted she had worded it badly. The dss is a very important part of the marriage.

Interesting that he felt his ex wife never paid him any attention yet and focussed on the child and this is what he is doing to you now..

What's the timeframe on his marriages? how long was he married and how long have you been together.

I think it understandably that you feel aggrieved. It seems he's not taking any account of your needs, yes he is a parent but he doesn't need to become full on disney dad every weekend as it isn't realistic and not a healthy approach to take.