Please help me to save my marriage...

[BlueWorrier]

Hi, this is long and complicated - apologies in advance.

I've previously posted on here about issues with DSS and DH's guilt issues meaning that every spare minute outside of work is spent with DSS, hence no quality time to ourselves as newlyweds. We are working thru this and have arranged to change DSS timings as DH agreed they were pretty unsustainable.

So far so good...

The problem I have is that since marrying last August, DH and I have had an amazing time, but he just doesn't seem to 'need' me as much as he used to, mostly in a physical sense, for instance he'll get really grumpy if I just lean across and kiss him if I don't manage to time it right with whatever's on tv! He is pretty stressed with his job which may explain some of it.

To add to this, we both work in the same place, along with an old flame of mine. I met the other man about 13 years ago and there was instantly a chemistry there, but we never really did much about it because he's 11 yrs older than me and I just assumed it'd never work. We did have a few snogs/semi-dates over a 5 year period but I always felt like he really wasn't interested in me for anything more so I didn't bother keeping in touch when our jobs took us apart.

Fast-forward to five years ago, and our jobs brought us back together again. He was married and I was with DH but not married yet. We are great friends and DH gets on really well with him too. I started to get a bit suspicious when this friend made a move on me a couple of months before my wedding - I was surprised but put it down to him being a bit bored in his marriage. We agreed to put it behind us and stay friends.

Anyway, out of the blue, 2 months ago he announces he's handed in his resignation at work and is taking a sideways move to somewhere else - very odd. Last week, he told me that the reason he is leaving is me (!) as apparently there's a huge physical attraction there and he feels that he can't carry on with his marriage with the feelings he has when he sees me every day. I am gutted - because he is my best friend, because I feel that I don't know where I stand with him any more, because he won't talk it through with me, gutted for lots of reasons.

But mostly I'm gutted because I feel like we missed our chance - we could've had something great together. We both said we thought it wouldn't have worked, then admitted we said it because we thought it'd make the other person feel better! I know that him leaving is hopefully going to help with this and although I'm sad, it's got to be done.

I just want to work on my marriage as I know that DH is the one for me - whatever did or didn't happen in the past is done and I just want to build a happy life with my husband. I've suggested date nights, mini breaks etc but he's not interested. And this makes me angry as I need to feel happy in my current relationship to get over this other man. Knowing that the other man feels the same has made it a hundred times worse. What can I do to bring back the 'spark' I used to have with my husband? I feel like I've made the choice to be with him but am not getting much back; I just need him to make me happy right now.

Sorry for rambling :( please help!

Exactly chitchat it worries me a lot. :(

OP I thought you also said he won't go out during the week either. It means that his dss isn't the issue but your relationship with your dh is. I imagine if he wanted to spend time with you alone he could manage it during the week now he only sees his ds at weekends.

Just read you xpost. Take dss out of the equation completely and look at your relationship as a couple. I doubt, from what you say, that even if you had every weekend together your dh would want to go out and do anything together. Sounds as if you need to have a pretty basic conversation on where your relationship is going.

shakey we do get holidays together but pretty much always have DSS with us too. We do get the odd day or 2 alone but not much.

bisjo yes he won't go out during the week. I think the DSS issue has been magnified on here and you're right, the biggest thing is my relationship with DH.

Just don't know what more I can do?

But while you want dh to fix your feelings you are not going to be able to fix things. You are putting to much pressure on him regarding your own feelings. I think you really need to look at this marriage. You say its been great but you have had several big issues. You don't seem happy and I don't think you can until you really look at yourself. My advice is to think about whether you really want to be with him.
He is busy at work and doesn't want to go out, you do. He doesn't want to go out when dss is there, you do. These things, in my marriage wouldn't be a huge thing unless it was permanent. Is it permanent. However these things seem a big deal, which is what's important. Is it a deal breaker?
Regarding this other man, it concerns me that you expect dh to make you forget him, that's not your dhs job. It is hard to be sympathetic. There are so many, seemingly, big issues here for such a short marriage. And all the issues are being blamed on dh not paying you enough attention. Maybe you need to have a good think about whether your dh can meet your needs or are your needs realistic?

Hmm I don't think it's lack of love which is the issue, but just how we show it, i.e. we're totally different. DH has become more "settled" since we got married and not totally in a positive way! It's almost as if he's done everything he needs to romantically and now he doesn't feel he needs to try as much any more?

If the would be cheater married man hadn't expressed his feelings to you (handy how he did that once you were safely married ) would the issues you have with dh amount to much?

dprince I can see what you mean. I don't feel that DH needs to make me forget the other man - that's my job! I just feel that the other man issue has made me realise how important my marriage is to me, and it's frustrating that it doesn't seem to be as important or worth making an effort for in his eyes.

I am sorry, but I am still would like to know if you told you dh that this man hit on you?

Good question bisjo, yes I think they would but maybe they've come up a bit faster because of other man...

I don't think you are reasonable for complaining that 100% of your free time is spent with your husband's child. That is what a parent does. You get time alone when the child is asleep, that is just how it is. I see from your other thread you do a lot of ex wife blaming and fussing about money despite you both having good salaries and the ex being off sick (none of your business this). I also see you want dss out of the way because you want a baby of your own. I am trying really hard not to be but yes you sounds selfish and inconsiderate. Stop trying to meddle in your husband's relationship with his child, stop speaking badly about his ex and please please reconsider trying for your own baby until you can fully appreciate the significance of your ds and are in a place where you will be able to adequately support him through the change. Poor you with your lack of time to be a newlywed, nevermind how ds may feel worried and insecure about his dad's new family

dprince yes I told him. He already knew about our past and had suspicions about him even since he's been married. He said he was glad I told him and he knows I'd never cheat on him.

that's good, that you told him. Is right you want a baby? You do realise that there will be even less 'alone time'.

offred think you've maybe jumped to a few crazy conclusions. Everything you mention is fully explained in the other thread, again maybe I didn't quite get it all in the first post but have clarified things a bit later on. I certainly don't remember posting anything as vile as you are insinuating, just facts.

Yes I would like a baby, I realise that this may sound a bit contradictory but I love DH, DSS would love a little brother/sister and I am at the point in my life where I NEED a baby! I am a tad confused at this myself but as I said in the other thread, I think the time issue bugs me a bit more at the moment because I'm anticipating losing so much more of it if we have a baby.

I really don't think I have blue. You got some good advice about not focusing on stopping ds coming but making him a part of your family on that step parents thread and yet here you are posting again.

My husband has lived with me and my two children full time for almost 4 years. We have had two of our own, he signed up for being a step parent, if he didn't like it he could leave but I would never consider cutting down time I spend with the dcs to spend private time with him. If he ever expected me to choose because he didn't want or was incapable of thinking of his dscs as part of the family then it wouldn't be a hard choice. I suspect that is how most committed parents feel and how your DH will feel too.

I'm sorry, but you seem to be blaming everyone but yourself.
Your DH sounds like a lovely guy. Devoted to his son, and happy to spend his weeknights in the house with you. It's sad that you want to go out a lot and that he doesn't- But it's not unusual or odd for people to want to stay in after a day at work. You sound jealous of the attention your DSS gets.
Also, more than half your post is about this other man. I do understand that even happily married people get crushes- But it's really not on to be blaming your DH for not being this other man (and that is what it sounds like). I think that your brain is trying to shift the blame for the detachment of your emotions from your husband.
This "spark" thing. The excitement of a new relationship will fade into a comfortable familiarity. There's nothing wrong with that. :)

Lastly, your reaction on this thread (basically saying we've got it wrong, that we don't understand, that you worded it wrong etc etc) is complete denial. You just don't want to hear it. And I think that it would probably do your relationship good if you did listen.

What you have to remember is that you need a baby. Dh already has one, because of circumstances he doesn't see him all the time. Can you imagine that having a baby and no longer living with him because the relationship with his mother failed. Imo there are too many issues to bringing more children into it at this point. If your dh doesn't pay enough attention to you now, a baby will only make it worse. And probably make him feel even more guilty, which will worsen the situation.
Just like to saybi have read your other thread and whip offered has not said anything you haven't I feel she has misinterpreted the tone. The op does mention the exw is on sick, but only when talking about the employment situation. Its a fact, she does not offer an opinion. What offered has written about the previous thread is very different to how it is actually written, iyswim

Wow. Some pretty harsh responses there.

I am totally willing to accept criticism - after all that's why I've asked the question on a public forum, and I accept your point about me saying things are coming across wrong etc. Maybe I am in denial - I need to think about that so thank you for pointing it out.

However, I do want to categorically say i do not want to cut down time with DSS and have not said that at any point - I want it to go back to the more manageable timings we used to have

I must admit I am surprised at how much people have focused on the DSS thing. Again, this shows that I need to have a good long think about this.

I was kind of hoping for people to suggest ways of getting things back on track with me and DH. I gave the whole story as I thought it was important to know the full facts. But I accept what you are saying, I had no idea how horrible I am and how my feelings can be so wrong :(

Your DH seems to expect you to do everything a parent does. Stop doing it! It's his child's right to have meaningful contact with the Non-Resident Parent. You are not that parent - however much that comment will annoy the step-mums on here, it's a fact.

If you wanted a nice newlywed time before having a family, I'm afraid you chose the wrong bloke.

Get out now before you have your own children. Your DH will be a nightmare. Seriously, he seems to have no sense of proportion - and you are getting pretty strong indicators as to why he was available. It sounds as though he wanted a housekeeper/nanny rather than a wife.

I feel very sad for the DSS, who as another poster pointed out, will find it hard when everyone's life moves on and he has to adjust to the fact that life doesn't revolve around him and him alone.

As for this other man, you are right. You wouldn't be remotely interested or bothered about him or his declarations if you were happy. You aren't - and it doesn't sound like there is any chance you are going to be.

I'm afraid it does sound as though your DH is more interested in competing with his wife in the parenting stakes rather than just being a great dad. He wouldn't be expecting so much of your input to facilitate his son's contact with him otherwise.

Its not about being horrible. Its about learning to put dss first or at least allowing your dh to. its also about not blaming him for the situation with this other man (who, sounds like a test) its about taking responsibility for your own happiness. Being a step parent is not easy, but its the role that you automatically accepted when you got married.

Thanks olgaga, that's a tough one. On one hand if I'm going to be part of DH's life from now on, DH and I thought it was important to take as much of a hands-on role as possible so that I didn't seem distant and uncaring towards DSS. And while he's with us, it's great, we get on really well. It's just on monday mornings when i'm absolutely knackered that things go a bit wrong!

But I can see your point about becoming a nanny/housekeeper etc. I just think I couldn't emotionally and physically 'take a step back' from DSS now, and whether I could or not - I just don't think it's the right thing to do and I wouldn't even consider it - sorry. Hopefully you can understand my reasons for that.

Most parents don't go out much because arranging a babysitter is tough - and your DH is a parent. It's not indicative of anything bad, it just means weekends are family time and you have to enjoy chilling at home in the evenings. This is what you will have to do if you have your own baby - and it's what your DH has to do now - and so do you if you want to accept your part in that family.

You sound stressed and I am sympathetic to you but this is what part of being a step-parent is and you're not really thinking it through.

My son is two. My husband and I count ourselves lucky to have had two nights out without him so far.

You're not horrible. It sounds like you're settling into the routine of married life, and it freaks you out a little bit. That's pretty normal. It's also pretty normal to think that a baby will make everything new and refreshed- It won't. I'd wait until your marriage gets back on track before trying for a baby.

Have you sat down properly and discussed this with your husband?

You say he doesn't want to go out- Do you think you could both make an effort to sit down together after work, have a nice meal and a glass of wine? It doesn't have to be a date night, you don't have to dress up or make an effort- Just an opportunity for you both to chat.

Thanks dprince, I did know what I was getting in to but naively thought things would stay as they were, time-wise. Maybe I should try to see it as a compliment, i.e. all weekend every weekend as we are a stronger family unit since the wedding?

I think the change in timings, plus DH's decrease in interest (despite my best efforts!) was hard enough, then stupid other man causing new situation just made me feel like it was all too much. It just made me want to focus on DH and I and try to get things back to how they were.