How do I change myself to make friends?

[CarpeJugulum]

I was going to post a huge long post with reasons, but it was taking too long. So in a nutshell, I stink at making friends.

I never get invitations (despite issuing them!) for my DS to play with other DC's and I get ignored and talked over at playgroups - with other mums walking away from me mid conversation.

I know that similar aged DC does not mean immediate friendship, but I'd like to at least make superficial acquaintances so DS does not get left out.

As a small bit of background, I am an only child and was badly bullied - so my confidence is zero at best.

How can I change things so I am friendly, approachable and people want to talk to me?

My best tip... talk about the other person rather than yourself. People love the type that find them fascinating and will happily talk about themselves all day long if they have a willing victim enthusiastic listener.

What Corgito said. Plus (I know this is easier said than done) try to relax into it if you can. Real friendships often take ages to develop. Are the other mums who walk away rude, or just running after their LO? If they aren't nice people I wouldn't waste your time on them. Try to keep it casual if you can and see what happens.

Try not to look desparate. Smile and say hello to people. Compliment their children.

Loving your name!
Can you put yourself forward for some kind of role at playgroup, tea lady or treasurer or some such thing, so that by default people will engage. I think that might give you more confidence.
I can't believe people are actually walking away from you mid conversation.
Other than that, keep issuing those invites.
I can't really offer much as I am crap at making friends too, but I don't give a monkeys.

Try lots of different playgroups til you find one with fewer rude people in it?

I was all set to write the other mums off as a bunch of twats until you mentioned the bullying/confidence thing. So I'm glad you did :)

Longer & more detailed replies are certainly possible but, for starters, I recommend a quick fix to get you started. Try a hypnotherapist if you can afford one or, if not, one of these:

Marisa Peer or Paul McKenna.

The original self-help book, How To Win Friends And Influence People is still worth a read, as is another classic, Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway.
Have fun!

I agree with corgnito - and always ask after other people's children. Asking for advice is always good as well.

If there is another parent who seems a bit isolated, try chatting to him/her. Make one friend and the rest will probably follow

I read a really interesting book about neuro-linguistic programming which had lots of tips on this. The one I read was to help your kids make friends, but it's the same for adults.
Think of someone who you think is popular and try to act just like they do (practise at home) seemed to be the main idea - plus self-belief
I'd recommend reading a similar book about nlp. There are also courses you can do

I read a really interesting book about neuro-linguistic programming which had lots of tips on this. The one I read was to help your kids make friends, but it's the same for adults.
Think of someone who you think is popular and try to act just like they do (practise at home) seemed to be the main idea - plus self-belief
I'd recommend reading a similar book about nlp. There are also courses you can do

No, the other mum actually turned and walked away while I was in mid sentence.

I do try to ask after others first - but after a bit they they ask me a question - for example "what are you doing this weekend" and I have to try to think of a different way to say "actually, nothing really" without sounding like a numpty. Usually DH & I visit the local town in the morning with DS then he naps, then we play in the garden/visit the park. Sunday is much the same. I try to do the "not sure, what are you doing?" or "haven't thought - have you been anywhere recently that's good?" but by this point it's almost like their eyes have glazed over and they've checked out as soon as they've asked.

I think part of it is that I'm just a boring person. We don't get out much as we have no childcare and a very clingy DS; so the evenings are spent reading/working or watching a bit of tv. Makes it difficult to have a conversation about new restaurants/clubs/nights out.

Crap. It is me isn't it?

don't think of yourself as a boring person for a start.
your weekend doesn't sound much different than other people's. I doubt if many other mums are well tuned into new restaurants and clubs.
When you saying what you are going to be doing at the weekend, don't give a long list. it;s enough to say 'we usually go to the park' Thn you could follwo it up by saying 'do you ever go there at the weekend, dc really loves it and there's plenty of things for him to do. If you're at aloose end we could meet up there and have a picnic - what do you think'? If she says yes, that's great but don't push it to make her feel she's committed (unless she seems uber keen). You could also say 'I'm always on the look out for other things to do, what do you usually do.What does your lo like doing?'

I have no constructive suggestions to make, just wanted to say that I could have written your post - even down to the only child & bullying bit. It's horrible isn't it - that self-conciousness when left on your own, & trying not too look too desperate. I worry that my DD will end up the same way - I don't want to pass my insecurities on to her :(

Good lord, I agree with mirry! Your weekend is perfectly normal

Bit of shopping, thought we might take DC to Jubilee Park if the weather's nice, have you been there?
Just family stuff, we'll see how things go. What about you?

It's not an exam, it's just ordinary chat. Small-time sharing, that's what friendships are made of :)

Usually in these conversations people are desperate for a snippet of interestingness to cling onto. So, why not make your weekend sound more interesting? Make a dry comment about a recent DIY disaster, your DS's obsession with something at the park, sound enthusiastic about a TV programme you like... anything is better than nothing.

Or, do something a bit different - not as in climb the Inca Trail or cure cancer, but maybe visit a garden, try a local nature reserve, or whatever. If you feel a little more interesting you're bound to find it easier to feel like you have something worthwhile to listen to.

Funnily enough I've made more friends everywhere other than playgroups. I've noticed the 'glazed over' look more than once in conversations I've had there. Most of my friendships have been formed at the park playground, with people I have ended up bumping into regularly (I've often started a conversation by joking about our matching routines), toddler classes (I know lots of people hate them but it's a nice safe gathering, often friendly people who don't know eachother and just want to get out for a bit, you see the same people every week and a good class will have some time at the end to play and chat), or standing on the street trying to strap DC1 into the pram mid screaming tantrum (she walked past and actually said "I'm so glad it's not me this time...").

Anyone who walks off mid-sentence because they're not interested in what you're saying is not really someone you want to be friends with anyway. You'd constantly be on your guard for keeping them as friends. Not fun. Quite normal not to have much of a life at the moment - and the ones you'll bond with best are the ones who can joke about exactly that fact with you. Try not to go for the alpha looking mummies - they are often that way because they are riddled with their own insecurities and will make you feel like crap. Guarantee there will have been other quiet mums at those groups hoping to make friends - they're just sometimes easier to overlook when you're feeling bad about yourself.

Actually while I think of it, another good tip which we have started doing is taking two of any toys you have to play with when out and about. So, apart from random mums who take that as a sign to leave you to babysit (that's a whole other thread), sometimes when DC1 is digging in the sand and another child comes over - and as long as I don't see long lines of green snot - I will often whip out another spade for DC1 to lend to the new arrival. The initial idea was to try and avoid fights and children snatching things from DC1, but it has actually turned out to be a good way to get talking to other mums and also to get DC1 used to other children dropping in to play and then wandering off again.

Foshizzle - yes and having 2 spades, or whatever, is a good way of teaching dc to share. good on you!

Smile a lot.

You need to be confidant that you are great person. Your weekend is not boring. It's similar to many weekends many people have. If I don't think we're doing anything exciting I just say 'not much, just having a quiet one this week' with a smile rather than with embarassment.
Honestly, most people aren't doing amazing interesting things all the time.

I know this may sound superficial but appearances can have a bearing on things, especially your own confidence and how people react to you. I always feel more confidant if my hair is looking nice and I'm wearing a bit of make up and decent clothes.
(please ignore if this isn't anything you're concerned with. Its something I know helped me)

Hmm. I think I am boring though.

And most of the other mums that I socialise with (postnatal group) always seem to be out and about sans kids - but then they have parents/relatives close by to babysit. So a conversation between myself and two others goes:
Mum1: have you been to the new restaurant at xxx
Mum2: oh yeah, it's great, we went on yyy and had zzz to eat and it was lovely. What about you carpe?
Me: erm, no haven't been is it any good? What do they serve?
Mum1: good food. Anyway mum2, if you liked xxx, have you tried abc?
Mum2: no, but we did go to efg and then...
Conversation ensues whereby I try like a lemon to be included and mention a restaurant I have been to eat at - but I can't get a word in edge ways without talking over someone. I start to look like a Churchill dog in the back of someone's car with the interested nodding.

I know listeners are in demand, but there is listening and then what I seem to end up doing - which is eavesdropping into a conversation.

Where do you live carpe? if you live near me i'll be your friend! I'm beyond shit at making mum friends!

It's not you!

Today I watched the tennis and went for an ice cream at the beach with a friend and her baby dd. I'm only 14 weeks pg with pfb - imagine how rubbish I'll be when they actually arrive

Maybe its the group that you are trying to make friends with. If they all know each other better than you do that ight be why they seem unfriendly. Is there any one person in the group who sees better than the others?

It might just be that you dont really fit in with the group, but with a different group of people things would be different.

Ooh, and what puds said - I'm going to need all the advice I can get!