Help me see if I'm in the wrong.

[ChangeDeNom]

DH and I had our first night out together in months last night. It all started nicely, but we inevitably started talking about our relationship and the DCs: We have 3 under 5 and I'm at home with them, having given up a good career. This was a financial decision and I struggle with it. I am struggling with DC2 in particular as she's spreading her wings and being difficult, and I'm not dealing with her very well. I get angry and fed up. :(
I do the majority of the housework although DH does do quite a bit too. He comes home from work and we eat together as a family, then he takes the kids upstairs to do bedtime while I clear up and then sit down and watch TV.
During the day, I do shedloads and am desperate, after 10+ hours with the three of them, for some time to myself. This has always seemed to work for us. He now thinks that he and I should do the same amount of housework in the evenings. I think that would be fair only if I did less housework in the day (?) as I feel I've already done so much in the day. I might be wrong but I need some outsider perspective.

Last night DH said he did love me, but liked me less than he loved me :( He said I nag (I often do I suppose), and that I should never, ever tell him what to do.

Sorry, this is all a bit muddled, but I'm keen to know how other SAHMs 'share' the housework when there are kids at home during the day too.

Sorry, but I think it's fair that you both do the same amount of housework in the evenings. The reason why you're finding it so hard is that it is just more of the same, whereas for your DH it is something different, but still work.

I would find it annoying of either partner just sitting and resting while the other one is doing the bath and bedtime routine TBH - unless you still have to face further work by getting up in the middle of the night in which case it is a very fair swap!

I wish my DP helped with house work. He does nothing.

Does he have any him time?

Can you side step the issue by getting a cleaner, or doing less housework? It's the kind of thing that always causes issues, and both partners usually have a point tbh.

He's right in that you shouldn't tell him what to do - he's an adult, not one of your children. It can be hard when you've been barking orders at your kid all day though!

Are there deeper issues here? Do you feel he doesn't appreciate what you've given up career wise? Or how hard it is? Can you get any time for yourself during the week?

Okay, thank you.

My thinking was that I have no breaks in the day (whereas he does get scheduled breaks at work), but you've told me what I need to know. Thank you.

But I totally get you.

I need some quiet time with myself in the day.
He can probably do it at work or commuting, even if he doesn't go out.

You may need to find an activity that is yours and for your benefit.

Can you do any breaks during the day?

start your own thread puds11

ChangeDeNom - you don't sound happy. Is there any chance that you could go back to work? You made your decision to be a SAHM based on the information you had at that time, it might be time to examine it again.

Nagging is a sign of a loss of confidence. Try reading up on assertiveness techniques to help you find more effective ways to get what you need.

That is a fair point about the breaks actually - your DH is getting a couple of short breaks to himself, whereas you aren't.

Just work it out mathematically; your hours working versus his hours working (minus breaks!). Show your DH and discuss it together.

No, I don't get time during the day or week. He cycles to work and loves it. I'm even jealous of that.

We can't afford a cleaner and I can't do less housework because it's all every day stuff like cleaning the floors, cleaning the kitchen and bathroom, picking up toys, doing washloads, making meals etc.

I think I need to work to 'enjoy' the time with the kids more and then the day might be less stressful, and I wouldn't feel the need to have time to myself. It's only half an hour at most, so I could easily postpone my 'time to do nothing' time.

You're right, I don't think I am happy holey but I don't seem to have any real reason for it.

I'm not sure that would work recursive. He pointed out that I went for coffee last week. I did. I don't normally, but I did last week for a friend's birthday (with the kids).

ok. what actually needs doing everyday.

for me it would be dishes for every meal
a least one wash to be washed, hung out, folded, put away
hoover downstairs
and generally keep toys where they belong

stuff like doing bathrooms/windows/dusting/stripping beds isn't necessary for the daily cleanliness levels of the house and i would be negotiating with him when to do these (evenings or weekends?) and who does them. if he thinks these things should be done daily then i would suggest he does them in the evenings. if not then i would be quite happy to leave them til a saturday morning were you both take a job each and work through a list until they're all done. it shouldn't take more than an hour or so if you are both doing it. otherwise i would hire a cleaner for a few hours a week to do these things.

if you had to take teh dcs with you for coffee then you weren't on leisure time were you? his breaks at work are childfree, so if he is counting coffe breaks for you they have to be childfree ones.

Consider your days as working days too, why should housework not be shared equally when he is home, consider it your clocking off time when he walks through the door. Just because he is the one bringing in the money does not belittle or make your work any less important.

Yes you shouldn't tell him what to do, in the same way he should not expect you to do more, in order for him to do what he likes.

Could u take it in turns to put kids to bed?! Then u both get me time every other night?! Xxx

You DO need breaks. It doesn't matter if other people's husbands do no housework - sorry, but that's irrelevant. Just because someone has it worse than you it doesn't mean you have to accept anything less than what you find acceptable.

What's perceived as "nagging" is usually a communication breakdown, because if he was doing the things you're annoyed at him not doing, you wouldn't be nagging him. So you need to work out why he isn't doing as much as you'd like/the particular things that you'd like, and whether it's fair he isn't doing them, then work out some kind of system or rota or whatever. Then if you're still feeling irritated you need to sit down and work it out again.

I don't think you're in the wrong. And you can't tell him what to do, but yet he can tell you how you should organise your evenings? Just what housework has to be done after the kids are in bed? Surely that's "flopping" time?

Do you really clean floors and bathrooms every day.

You don't need to put toys away more than once a DIY, and don't do this until the children are in bed. Then quickly whip the Hoover round.

A good way to work it is to do breakfast, put some washing on,take the children out in the morning, return for lunch, get the wash dry, clean up after lunch and start dinner. Let the children play in the living room with the set amount of toys that you feel comfortable putting away at eight pm. Then make a start of the evening meal. once the clothes are dry, put them away. Then play with children.

When yr husband returns home, there is a cleanish kitchen, a meal on the way, and three well stimulated children. All that is left for you both to do is pick the toys up and run the Hoover round. Everything else can wait until the weekend, and you can do it together.

Has he ever spent a whole day with the children on his own? Perhaps you should arrange to do something for yourself on a Saturday or Sunday while he is there - he can get a taste of your day.

Or maybe find a job at the weekend? It would give you a break from your routine.

I'm afraid I don't think any job is as difficult or stressful as 10 hours with three children under 5!

In work, you have downtime, breaks, you get feedback, praise - you don't get any of that as a SAHM.

And inform him that to put all the children in with a childminder would cost more than ten pounds an hour, even if she takes them to a cafe, so it certainly is work and should ever be classified as down time. If a child is in the same building as you, and awake, it's not bloody downtime!

I think being a SAHM - especially to three under five - is an incredibly hard job. It is also one where you get little recognition. Unless they have done it, people don't appreciate how demanding your work is.

If you can't afford £10 a week for a cleaner, you probably can't afford nice clothes, babysitters, holidays etc either. That takes its toll, and combined with missing out on the personal validation you had in your career, it undermines your confidence.

There are no easy answers here - but, if I were you, I'd start job hunting. I'd also examine mortgage arrangements/ cheaper places to rent/ getting rid of car. Whatever, to allow you to free up some money.

That's not a bad idea mjtay
I have to clean main room floor every day because of the mess my kids, in particular my youngest one, make(s) when they/he eat(s). The bathroom is a quick clean, putting towels back on the rail, picking up clothes from the night before, cleaning the floor quickly (from footprints the night before etc). Doesn't take too long I suppose.

Maybe I need to re-adjust how much tidying needs to go on in the day. Don't get me wrong, you wouldn't think I tidy that much if you saw my home, but I try to tidy between each meal at least otherwise it looks like a bomb explosion in a cheap plastic tat and colouring pencil factory by the end of the day (when I and the kids are at our most tired) :)

also, your older child might be able to help with tidy up time? as someone else said, just keep enough toys that you are comfortable with and keep a basket or box in the room that you spend your daytime in. in this house we do a tidy up time before each meal. so i will say tidy up time, all toys get flug into the basket, we wash our hands and eat then if they want they can go straight back to playing after. with 3 under 3 i dont imagine their toys will be anything that needs to be left set up like my son makes up roads with dominoes and races his cars over them but he is 6. under 3s wouldn't have anything like that.

yes change i am guilty of thinking that all the cleaning needs to be done everyday when in reality very little does it's just that when you are carig for dcs it takes 10 times longer so it feels like you have been cleaning all day.

Thank you for all your responses so far, really very helpful to have others' perspectives. I'm off to the supermarket now but will be back later.

Thank you.