Help me see if I'm in the wrong.

[ChangeDeNom]

DH and I had our first night out together in months last night. It all started nicely, but we inevitably started talking about our relationship and the DCs: We have 3 under 5 and I'm at home with them, having given up a good career. This was a financial decision and I struggle with it. I am struggling with DC2 in particular as she's spreading her wings and being difficult, and I'm not dealing with her very well. I get angry and fed up. :(
I do the majority of the housework although DH does do quite a bit too. He comes home from work and we eat together as a family, then he takes the kids upstairs to do bedtime while I clear up and then sit down and watch TV.
During the day, I do shedloads and am desperate, after 10+ hours with the three of them, for some time to myself. This has always seemed to work for us. He now thinks that he and I should do the same amount of housework in the evenings. I think that would be fair only if I did less housework in the day (?) as I feel I've already done so much in the day. I might be wrong but I need some outsider perspective.

Last night DH said he did love me, but liked me less than he loved me :( He said I nag (I often do I suppose), and that I should never, ever tell him what to do.

Sorry, this is all a bit muddled, but I'm keen to know how other SAHMs 'share' the housework when there are kids at home during the day too.

Hmm I'd think the solution to this is easy - if he thinks you should both do housework in the evening, save the housework you do in the day till the evening.

Put a wash basket in the bathroom and put clothes in it as they are taken off. Give the bathroom a swipe just that second before you go to bed, and then don't touch it again until the next night, because as long as you've swipes the sink with some spray and a piece of toilet roll, and dumped some bleach down the loo, it's clean enough

And here's a really awesome trick ..... With under threes, there is always one toy that drives you mental. You know, the whole thing comes out, bits get lost and you spend valuable time looking for them, you tread on it and hurt your foot etc. There's always one of those.

Now here's the trick...... Boxes it up, put it in the attic, and forget it exists. Just do it.

he begrudges you having just 30 mins a day?

i do agree with reassessing how much work actually needs to be done, but you do deserve to have 30 mins a day to yourself. Like you say, he gets his break.

Are you like me in the sense that you can get housework done in the end but it comes with a physical price. two people working for an hour are not the same if one person is working flat out and the other going at a leisurely pace.

BalloonSlayer has a very good point

Focus on enjoying what you do during the day more, so if you enjoy toddler groups, going to the park, having friends around for coffee etc do that - the housework can wait until that evening.

DH and I do alternate nights where one does bedtime with the children, which also includes a quick seek and destroy in the bathroom. The other does the washing up from the day (leaves a tidy kitchen for morning), tidies up (so you can sit in the living room in calm) and hoovers (as children generate crumbs like mini Hansels and Gretels). The children (5 and 2) must put their toys away before going to bed.

I do the washing as and when I can. Everything else is divided up when we can find some time to do it.

The other thing we say is, the kids don't care if the house is clean and tidy. They do care if you are distracted and frazzled. Good family and friends dropping round should not give a shit if the place looks like a bomb site as long as they can get to the kettle.

How old are your DCs? Unless you have some twins in there you presumably must have at least 1 over 3, are you using your entitlement to free nursery care? And is there a local crèche/babysitter/playdate mum that could take them off your hands for an hour a week?

I don't know how anyone copes with 3 preschool DCs and no cleaner tbh, I would crack up after a week of that!

Are any of your children 5?
My 5 year old can unload the dishwasher, sort laundry, pick up toys...

Definitely leave some jobs for the evening/weekend and do it with your h.

Lots of good ideas above.

One thing is important though, and that's that you and your dh work together to find a solution that seems fair to you both. When life is hard, it's very easy to get focused on how hard it is for you, and forget that it's hard for your partner too. To get through the next year or two until it gets easier it is imperative that you support each other.

It doesn't sound like your dh fully realises how hard it is at home with 3 under 5. I know I used to resent my dh's quiet time on his commute when my two were little! But i also forgot that he had worked a 12 hour day, and was coming home to cooking tea and a grimpy exhausted wife. You need to keep talking to him until he understands how hard it is - list all the chores if he understands written stuff better than talking. Or just take a weekend off to visit some friends, and leave him in charge!

We had a bit of a blow up last week, and I mentioned it on here. Slightly different to u... My hubby was feeing unloved and left out. So the conclusion was the more I did with bub, the less he did, and the less time we had together. We've always split housework (and my hubby is OCD clean freak!) but now he also helps with bub when he doesnt go gym, so I can get bottles done and we get more time to chill. I only have the one dd 8 months, and i still find it tricky keeping the house tidy/clean (I do home hairdressing too tho), so god knows how u do it!!! I end up running round and making the bed, washing up etc an hour before hubby is due home. Then, like last nite, we blitzed all the housework together. I did kitchen, en suite, downstairs toilet. He did floors, hoovered, swept mopped, dusted. I thin bribed him to do the main bathroom for me, with me changing the bed sheets and tidying the spare room. All sparkley for the weekend now :) xx

That's what I thought too BalloonSlayer I think that would be fair only if I did less housework in the day (?) as I feel I've already done so much in the day. I might be wrong but I need some outsider perspective. (in my first post)

Yes, Penguin I think we might be the same.

It's not that he begrudges me my 30 mins, but he does think I should be doing the same amount as him (I've interpreted that to mean I shouldn't ask him to put away his clothes/give the bathroom a quick clean etc) in the morning or evening before or after work.

I've been through what needs doing and who does it/should do it, and my list is still way longer (both daily and weekly/monthly) but he didn't really buy into it.

My three DCs are 1, 3 and nearly 5 (not 3 under 3 thank fuck!), and the nearly-5 year old can do some things, but not properly yet.

I've suggested that baileys and he's not keen. He likes doing bedtime with them. I think it's important though for it to be more fair so may insist on doing 2 of the 5 weekdays.

colditz we have a wash basket and a towel rail, but as DH does bathtime, the clothes don't make it into the wash basket and the towels don't always make it onto the towel rail, hence me having to do it later or the next day, and being cross because it should be a 2-minute job while the kids are in the bath.

Love balloonslayers post :) Colditz has some great advice :)

Looking after 3 young children and doing pretty much all of the housework is going to take it out of you. Are all of your children sleeping through? If you're getting up in the night then it obviously makes everything even harder. Looking after the children is pretty much a full-time job in itself.

My 2 dc are a little older now but when they were younger I really struggled with looking after them and keeping on top of the housework (I left most of it). I also really missed adult conversation, I found that meeting up with friends essential to keeping my sanity. I don't think that men (partners) understand how isolating and utterly demoralising it can be to be a sahp.

You do need to have a good chat with your dh. I don't think that doing more housework in the evening is going to make you feel any better, unless you are going to gain that time back during the day.

Sounds like the pair of you could do with reading Wifework :)

Are you a primarily a housewife or a parent? If you're parenting full-time, THAT is your job. Not daily household shitwork, which is the joint responsibility of all the people living in the house. You're trying to be a nanny, cook and cleaner which are three separate jobs. Look up the costs of nannies and housekeepers in your area, that should help to make the point

While you and H re-adjust your attitudes, I'd recommend you make use of all the outside support you can get - daycare for the DC, even for a few hours, could help - share tasks with other mums where possible, shop online, etc. And don't do housework. Feed the kids, teach them to put things away and allocate a permanently messy play area. Leave all the other stuff until he gets home. Then you split it. It's his home and family, too!

your job is the home and kids, his is whatever he does outside the home

i would be very irritated indeed if my husband was at home all day while i worked 10+ hours a day then expected me to come home and start cleaning, tidying, cooking etc. In fact i wouldnt do it. at the weekends, yes of course i would help, but not when someone had been home all day long.

to be honest, it takes a couple of hours a day in my experience to keep up with housework, bunging a couple of loads in washer etc, its really not that hard. Ive also had three kids very close together so i do know.

we have a wash basket and a towel rail, but as DH does bathtime, the clothes don't make it into the wash basket and the towels don't always make it onto the towel rail

Huh?! "as he does bathtime"?? How old is he, five?

why in christs name would a stay at home mum dump her kids in day care

hilarious! are women these days so incapable of even the basics now

Why in christs name would a stay at home mum not expect any time to herself or her partner to respect their home environment?

I wonder how DH would react if a co-worker merrily undid his work on a daily basis, telling him he should just do it again as that's his job? And if his colleagues and clients pestered him every minute of the day for attention, even when he's in the bog or concentrating on another project?

runronnie - I thought that people came on these boards for support and advice, how exactly have you helped here? You have been vocal enough at putting the OP down, but how about sharing your tips on how to help her?

Why post ronnie if you fail to understand the basics of what people are saying??

I would suggest ignoring runronnie, as he clearly isn't a stay at home parent.

Firstly, changedenom, I would suggest informing your husband that his inability to self care or finish a job is no longer your issue. You don't pick up clothes he has left on the floor, you don't scrub shit stains he has left in the toilet. You clean up the mess you make, and the mess the children make while they are in your care. The mess he makes, and the mess the children make while they are in his care is his responsibility, and unless he is picking up your slack, you should not be picking up his.

If his breaks make the difference, personally I end up working through my breaks. Even when I do get them, it doesn't make me feel refreshed. He may not be in the same situation. I also don't think traveling to work can be classed as him time. I work ft and I would pissed off if dh thought that was my 'me time'. I have also been a sahm, its really difficult to make it fair. Both people can argue they have it worse. Its about compromise and deciding what you can/ can't live with. I don't like the idea that being the working parent is easier, tbh. Both are difficult. I give my job up in 5 weeks and certainly would not be doing that if being a working parent was easier.

The most reliable rule of thumb, imo, is that both adults get equal amounts of time off. If one of you gets more feet-up at evenings & weekends, you've got an imbalance. You also need equal opportunities to do 'you' stuff, whether it's playing golf or soaking in the bath.

I can see both sides. You are knackered, having spent all day with three little ones and just keeping them fed and not screaming can be the entire task in itself (although I found with two who had naps at the same time, I had about 1.30-2 hours a day in which I could have a nap/rest/do housework). YOur husband works, gets in and continues working by putting the children to bed.

Then, everyone is too tired to do housework, understandably, and start sniping at each other (he says you nag, you say why should you keep going when you've been on your feet all day).

Can you really really not stretch to a cleaner once a week for two hours? It might make a big difference.

If not, I think lowering your standards, so that there's not that much to do in the evenings might help. You don't need to hoover daily and so on, I would only do really essential stuff, like stacking the dishwasher.

I find it a bit odd that he resents you sitting down. Does he perhaps need to spend some one-to-three time with his children, preferably from 6am to realise just how tiring it is and how difficult it is to get housework done in the day? My husband used to look after my two in the day and get very little done, although that did irritate me as I did manage to get more done myself when I stayed home. But surely you want your partner to have a rest? Perhaps you could go away for the weekend to visit someone and leave him to it. If he feels like leaping up after 14 hours straight of childcare, then all well and good, I very much doubt it.

I was going to suggest that op's dh does what i do and clean the bathroom when the kids are in the bath (including 'washing' the floor with the water they splash out of the bath ) but as he seems incapable of putting the clothes in the washing basket, this may be a step too high.