Help me see if I'm in the wrong.

[ChangeDeNom]

DH and I had our first night out together in months last night. It all started nicely, but we inevitably started talking about our relationship and the DCs: We have 3 under 5 and I'm at home with them, having given up a good career. This was a financial decision and I struggle with it. I am struggling with DC2 in particular as she's spreading her wings and being difficult, and I'm not dealing with her very well. I get angry and fed up. :(
I do the majority of the housework although DH does do quite a bit too. He comes home from work and we eat together as a family, then he takes the kids upstairs to do bedtime while I clear up and then sit down and watch TV.
During the day, I do shedloads and am desperate, after 10+ hours with the three of them, for some time to myself. This has always seemed to work for us. He now thinks that he and I should do the same amount of housework in the evenings. I think that would be fair only if I did less housework in the day (?) as I feel I've already done so much in the day. I might be wrong but I need some outsider perspective.

Last night DH said he did love me, but liked me less than he loved me :( He said I nag (I often do I suppose), and that I should never, ever tell him what to do.

Sorry, this is all a bit muddled, but I'm keen to know how other SAHMs 'share' the housework when there are kids at home during the day too.

why on earth isn't he putting washing in the basket that is right beside him or hanging towels on the rail taht is right beside him? there is no excuse for him not to do that. whoever does bathtime tidies the bathroom aswell!! is he the sort of parent who thinks helping is just doing all the fun stuff but not taking on any of the dirty work involved? liek going mad in teh kitchen baking a cake and leaving flour everywhere for you to clean based on teh idea that he was giving you a break from the dcs by baking with them?

I think id be looking for a weekend job, as well. Just to get me out of the house and pay for holiday /cleaner / haircut or whatever.

Thank you all. He's not being an arse on purpose (I think!) ~ he genuinely doesn't see the mess I see, and so I get pissed off when I'm picking up all the crap when he's just walked over it.

I do think that I need to lower my expectations of what to do re:housework and how much I shouldn't be doing while I'm also 'parenting'.

there is a difference between not seeing mess and just leavimg mess (washing and towels) that he has created. i dont think it is unreasonable at all to expect him to put clothes in the basket and towels on teh rail. in that respect you do not have to lower your expectations.

Hi ChangeDeNom

Your OP really resonated with me. I too am a SAHM, having given up a good career. I too had 3 under 4 (they're a bit older now, and DC3 has started going to playgroup 3 mornings a week which makes things easier for me). I too found that housework was the single biggest source of conflict between me and my (lovely) DH. It seems so silly and trivial, doesn't it? But it can build up into a big thing as you both start to feel hard done by and resentful of each other.

My advice is to try not to let it become such a big deal between you. It's really sad that it ruined your night out - those nights are too rare to be spent fighting!

Have a discussion about it by all means, but try not to let the discussion involve blame / fault / a competition into who is the most tired / working the hardest etc etc. The reality is that you are BOTH tired and working hard.

Instead, try to work together as a partnership to find compromises that would help improve things for both of you. For example:

• maybe there are some things that are really important to you (eg a clean kitchen floor) and others that aren't - think about ways in which you could let things slide a bit
• maybe there are some chores you don't really mind doing (eg I find washing up quite therapeutic but I can't stand ironing) - play to your strengths
• suggest ways in which you can help each other (eg him leaving the bathroom in a good state would really help you while not being too time consuming for him)
• sometimes it helps to make him entirely responsible for certain chores (eg my DH cleans the loos), never do them yourself and never (or very rarely) remind him if they aren't done - that deals with the 'nagging' issue

The important thing is to work together as a team, recognising and valuing each other's contribution.

I do think he needs to realise that going out for a coffee is NOT a break when you have 3 kids with you!!

Thank you mrspepperty those are some really good suggestions. We did hash it all out a while back with him under much duress I hasten to add , and I even wrote up a rota so that we could both show and remember how much we actually do, but he never bothered printing it off at work and bringing home. Think I'll be getting to a printer's and getting me a lovely laminated version! :o