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Original poster

dh promotion, i want something for me for once...

79 replies

sallyo1981 · 01/06/2012 18:36

Hello
I am a very long term lurker. Sorry for only being brave enough to post when i need advise.
This might be lengthy so i appologise in advance! I am also using my phone so sorry for fat-fingered typos!!

Ok...
Dh has been offered a huge promotion. more money, (not mega amounts but still good) but with this will be lots more hours. he already has a very high pressured job btw.
I work 3days. I have always wanted to lessen my hours, and a 3rd child. Both of which he has said a loud "NO" to. we also has a plan to move to the coast this time next year.
I know he will want to take the job but i feel i have spent our whole relationship tagging along behind him.
Is it wrong to want to get something out of this deal?
I sound like a right cow...
We are going out tomorrow night ro talk it all through, but there is no way i can say dont do it. I am gutted that we wont be moving and even though he has said its both of our decision and he will do whats best for our family, its all just words as there is no way i can ask him to turn it down.
I should be so pleased for him, reaching the top of of his job but all i feel is butterflies in my tummy...

OP posts:
Safmellow · 01/06/2012 18:50

YANBU. A partnership is just that - you both need to be happy and it will probably mean compromises on both sides. If you agree to everything he wants without taking your own happiness into consideration you will end up resenting him.

Hope you can come to a solution that suits both of you x

ecclesvet · 01/06/2012 18:53

Yes, you should be pleased for him. You need to get past the desire for a third child, he's made it clear that that isn't going to happen - babies should be a unanimous decision. I don't think it'd be wrong to have a talk about reducing your hours if that's what your family needs, but I doubt that it is.

Piccalilli2 · 01/06/2012 18:59

Can you do some sort of deal where you reduce your hours if he takes the promotion? One partner working long hours puts a strain on the whole family [bitter experience] and a bit more time to devote to you/the dc might make you feel a bit better about the situation. I think he also needs to explain what his long term plan is. Maybe he feels the promotion will put you ultimately in a better place to move at a later stage? It definitely shouldn't all be about what he wants though, ultimately that just leads to resentment.

Original poster
sallyo1981 · 01/06/2012 19:00

Thanks for swift responses ladies. Its hard to discuss it with rl people as they will obvoiusly be close to me...

OP posts:
Original poster
sallyo1981 · 01/06/2012 19:05

Hi picalilli2
What you said is exactly how i feel and what i want. I think i am just afraid it sounds selfish on my part. i should be grateful he is so driven...
He dangled the carrot of "i think if i did this a 3rd baby would be more realistic" last night and i think he thoughy thats all it would take. But i need more...

OP posts:
skyebluesapphire · 01/06/2012 19:12

some good replies here. I think that you need to discuss it with him, like you say if he is earning more, then you could work less and maybe have that baby. discuss if you can still move to the coast at a future point. and also discuss what the extra hours will mean to your life as a family to ensure that you still spend quality time together.

Piccalilli2 · 01/06/2012 19:19

It's not selfish and it doesn't have to come across as holding him to ransom iyswim. It's more about 'ok, how can we make this work for us as a family?'. Because it really isn't just about him, it's about all of you. If he is working longer hours and has more responsibility/stress that impacts on all of you. You working fewer hours might help counter some of that.

Proudnscary · 01/06/2012 19:20

I don't think anyone should feel 'grateful' for their partner working hard! Appreciative, proud maybe. Not 'grateful'. You are a team, no matter what each of you do are earn, don't forget that.

Equally I don't honestly think you can start haggling and bargaining re a baby!

I do think he should really, properly hear you. It is absolutely not just his decision and I don't see why you should just stand by him and smile brightly.

Why should you tag behind him if that's not what you want?

I have been promoted many times over the last few years and no WAY did I see it as my decision, it was ours and if he had said at any point, for eg, I want to want to go back to work (SAHD) I'd have taken that very seriously even if it meant less money and me staying at the same level for a couple of years.

CailinDana · 01/06/2012 19:21

I would be very wary about the baby thing. Having a baby shouldn't be dangled by him as an incentive, that is totally unfair and quite manipulative of him really. If you are going to have a baby it has to be 100% wanted by both of you, not just something he gives into for your sake.

I would feel very aggrieved in your position too. I've tagged along behind my DH a lot too but he is very very aware of that and will defer to me a lot in big decisions because of that. Recently his boss put him forward for a job that would involve yet another house move and I said no. I have a life here now and I'm not giving it up for his job, he agreed that it was too much to ask, end of discussion. Maybe in a few years that'll change.

This is your life you're talking about. You are not there to act as an adjunct or bit player in your husband's life and he can't just make decisions that affect you without your input.

What is your gut feeling on all of this? Ideally what you would like to do?

Proudnscary · 01/06/2012 19:21

do or earn

Proudnscary · 01/06/2012 19:21

X posted with Cailin - we have both said the same thing

CailinDana · 01/06/2012 19:22

Great minds Proud :)

Proudnscary · 01/06/2012 19:26

You betcha Wink

startlife · 01/06/2012 20:21

This does need to be a genuine discussion - weighing up the pros & cons for each of you. My dh changed jobs a while ago, more hours, potential for more money BUT we didn't manage to have a sensible debate as I feel I was railroaded..i.e Why would we not want him to earn more money???? end result is that I have resented it enormously, I do all the childcare and household stuff and it's practically impossible for me to reinstate my career despite a school age child. We have not been happy since he took the job and it has had such a massive impact on our marriage. Sure he might have an enhanced CV but we could be separated.

I think your gut instinct is that this wouldn't work as well for you - listen to that. I hope your dh approaches this with a genuinely open mind - if he has an agenda to persuade you (offer false assurances) then it could cause long term issues.

Proudnscary · 01/06/2012 20:24

Startlife - can't your husband look for another job? Now that he can surely see how it's impacted you and your relationship would be take a radical step, earn less money but have a happy marriage? Really feel for you.

EverybodysSleepyEyed · 01/06/2012 20:52

I am in a similar situation

i don't think you should barter a child - you both need to want the baby

however, a dh who works long hours can be hard. I feel like I do everything at home and I never have enough time. If I could cut my hours I would.

So I would suggest you tell him that you want to be able to do that

Dozer · 01/06/2012 21:14

Think you could be on a dodgy path if he takes this job and you have a 3rd DC, reduce your hours, or stop work.

Working with 3 DC with a partner working mega hours would be v difficult.

If he generally gets his way, he could throw his weight about if he was the sole breadwinner.

IME 3 days is the minimum you can work if you want to keep a "career"-type job.

Moving to the sea with him commuting could restrict your work prospects and could lead to a SAHM role and poor work/life balance for him. Fine if that's what you want, but be aware of the deal - he works v v hard, you do everything else wthout complaint.

No, you shouldn't feel grateful. Being driven / earning lots is not necessarily great for family life or an indicator of someone striving for the family benefit: it can indicate selfishness, status-seeking, desire to avoid childcare/domestic work and so on.

Dozer · 01/06/2012 21:16

It's not a "huge promotion" if it doesn't come with a chunk more money, especially if it'd be longer hours, more pressure and / or is with another employer (more risky than internal promotion as more unknowns).

Original poster
sallyo1981 · 01/06/2012 21:19

I am totally overwhelmed by all the responses, thankyou all so much!
I was terrified of posting in case i got no one and instead i have tons of sound advise!
I have just got off the phone to my brother, and he was fantastically impartial and we talked for nearly 2 hours. I feel so much calmer from that and this chat, the butterflies have nearly gone as i feel clearer in my head.
Once again thanks so much!

OP posts:
skirt · 01/06/2012 21:23

I don't think there's that much off about agreeing for him to take the job, if you start trying for a third, if that's what you want and it was only cash that was holding him back.

Mumsyblouse · 01/06/2012 21:39

Sally, the thing that stands out to me is that when you suggested your plan for the future, he said a big resounding NO to you. You don't dare say a big resounding NO to him. You need to find your voice in all this, your wants and desires need to be on the table too. You can't both get what you want if your needs contradict and you may need to compromise, but you dont want to be in a situation where your needs are just assumed to be second to his, unless you think he is more important than you which sadly seems to be very common in relationships as I've discovered on MN

Original poster
sallyo1981 · 01/06/2012 21:58

Yes, that is right. I said i'd like another baby and it was NO but we are going to talk about this decision.
I will definatly be speaking up, and also not comitting to anything straight away...

OP posts:
Fizzylemonade · 01/06/2012 22:37

Many years ago, DH started looking for another job miles away from where we were living. We had agreed that the location we were in wasn't giving him any opportunity to get another job and he was stagnating in the current one. He earned 3 times was I did.

He took another job 100 mile away but the agreement was to give ourselves some time he would have a salary that would be equivalent to his salary plus my take home salary after paying child care, that way there was no massive pressure for me to get a job straight away when we had a baby to sort child care for in a new area etc.

That was almost 8 years ago, I never did get that job because when we moved we realised that me being a SAHM worked better for both of us. We are both still happy with the situation.

Is your DH's new pay enough to cover you not working? Are his longer hours going to impact on any of his commitments to your family or child care arrangements? Can you take a break from your career to test out being a SAHM? Maybe if you agree on him taking the job you could see if you can live off just his salary.

I can totally see why you are totally pissed off, my situation is totally different because we do really work as a team, as I do the childcare, DH is more flexible for work and it benefits us both.

Original poster
sallyo1981 · 01/06/2012 23:00

Hi fizzy,
Its tricky as he has to say he is interested before we know the details ie salary. He assures me that he could still say no but once the ball has been set in motion it will be hard to back out. I have a very rough idea of the increase, it would be less than my salary after tax so i am sure he will not agree to giving up...

OP posts:
EverybodysSleepyEyed · 01/06/2012 23:03

would you not be saving money on childcare and things if you are at home?

if he is going to increase his hours he is obviously going to decrease the time he spends with the kids and doing things at home. someone needs to pick up that slack.

i would love to give up work - it would lift a burden of my shoulders and we don't need the money (my post tax salary covers childcare). I'm just not quite ready to give up the independence it gives me though. It;s a hard decision but you need it out on the table