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Original poster

dh promotion, i want something for me for once...

79 replies

sallyo1981 · 01/06/2012 18:36

Hello
I am a very long term lurker. Sorry for only being brave enough to post when i need advise.
This might be lengthy so i appologise in advance! I am also using my phone so sorry for fat-fingered typos!!

Ok...
Dh has been offered a huge promotion. more money, (not mega amounts but still good) but with this will be lots more hours. he already has a very high pressured job btw.
I work 3days. I have always wanted to lessen my hours, and a 3rd child. Both of which he has said a loud "NO" to. we also has a plan to move to the coast this time next year.
I know he will want to take the job but i feel i have spent our whole relationship tagging along behind him.
Is it wrong to want to get something out of this deal?
I sound like a right cow...
We are going out tomorrow night ro talk it all through, but there is no way i can say dont do it. I am gutted that we wont be moving and even though he has said its both of our decision and he will do whats best for our family, its all just words as there is no way i can ask him to turn it down.
I should be so pleased for him, reaching the top of of his job but all i feel is butterflies in my tummy...

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 01/06/2012 23:07

Well, if his increase will be less than your salary after tax, and he is going to have more pressure and longer hours, surely he will be able to see that he have to refuse the promotion if he will still need you to work?

It will put too much pressure on you and your family if you still work 3 out of 5 days per week, and he has a more pressurized job with longer hours. It wont work.

He will have to balance. What is more important, his progress or keeping you working. He will need to show you how he intends this to work.

coppertop · 01/06/2012 23:10

I agree with Mumsyblouse.

Your own hopes and plans are met with a loud "NO", yet you seem unable to say no to his plans.

Even if you do decide to go along with this, you need to make it very clear that your own life is of equal importance to your dh's life.

ImperialBlether · 01/06/2012 23:30

Well, she can still work but hire in cleaners etc, can't she? If she's working three days a week, that's okay, isn't it? There are still four days that she's not working. I don't understand people giving up work as soon as their partner earns more money - you don't see any financial benefit to the promotion then.

I agree you shouldn't have to do all of the work at home - but hire help instead of packing in your job.

Dozer · 02/06/2012 07:05

Imperial, the cleaning etc probably wouldn't be the problem, it'd be cooking and childcare and everything related to it, especially with three DC.

Being a SAHP with an equal partnership is one thing: being one with someone who rules the roost is another.

Also think about the money and your work options long-term, not just "oh, we can live on one salary, childcare would be cheaper etc".

Original poster
sallyo1981 · 02/06/2012 11:18

We are foing out tonight to talk it all through. He said he "has loads to say" i told him ditto... i will let u all know how it goes...

OP posts:
coppertop · 02/06/2012 17:51

Best of luck with the talk tonight, Sallyo.

Original poster
sallyo1981 · 02/06/2012 22:24

Thanks coppertop
just got in. probably couldnt have fone any worse.
He agreed to the baby because its what i wanted, he doesnt want one but of course he would love it...
I am ungrateful. most people dont get to work 3 days and swan around for 2 plus weekends.
oh and he is seriously worried i am going to end up depressed as i am costantly wanting more
how shit
now sitting in bed, in floods. him downstairs,
happy holidays

OP posts:
CailinDana · 02/06/2012 22:28

Oh sally I'm so sorry to hear that :(

So does he expect you to just go along with whatever he wants?

Dozer · 02/06/2012 22:28

Oh no, sorry it went badly. He is being a total knob.

Oogaballoo · 02/06/2012 22:29

I had a feeling that it would end up with him telling you things rather than you being able to express how you felt and what you wanted. Didn't you get the chance to say anything on your behalf?

Original poster
sallyo1981 · 02/06/2012 22:30

He was actually reasonable at fisrt. He just says we cant afford me to drop any days and I refuse to believe him.
but it all escalated to us rowing in the srreet on the way home, how classy
he said he thought i would be happy with the 3rd child. he doesnt want one but hes willing to for me. how on earth would that work.

OP posts:
Original poster
sallyo1981 · 02/06/2012 22:33

Oh and he also said there is no way he is taking the promotion now

OP posts:
CailinDana · 02/06/2012 22:33

The thing about having a baby is just bizarre. How can he agree to have a baby when he doesn't actually want one? Of course you know what would happen - you would ask for help with the new baby and he would tell you it was you who wanted it, he never wanted it, so you need to get on with it.

CailinDana · 02/06/2012 22:34

He's not taking the promotion?

Dozer · 02/06/2012 22:40

So basically if he doesn't take the promotion and / or you have a third DC he's letting you know it'd be your fault and he'd make you pay. Charming.

Don't cave in.

Jux · 02/06/2012 22:40

Oh love, what a crock.

Perhaps he might end up depressed as he seems to be constantly wanting more too. Everything his own way, at the moment.

Dozer · 02/06/2012 22:41

Don't cave in refers to the "promotion" (if indeed it is), not having a third DC, sounds like the latter should be on hold!

Dozer · 02/06/2012 22:42

He's willing to, as long as he does what he wants work/location wise, you do all the work with all the DC and keep working three days.

Original poster
sallyo1981 · 02/06/2012 22:49

Je just came up to bwd and i asked if he wanted to talk. he said no, so i rold him its not just my fault and i wont be ignored. he said we will talk tomorrow, i said its not fair of him to be angry at me and my wants. tbey are as important as his even if he doesnt agree. i am going to try to sleep on it and see how i feel in morning, my lay in-nice
thanku so much for all this amazing support xxcccc

OP posts:
CailinDana · 02/06/2012 22:53

Well done for what you said to him sally. He seems to think that he is the one running the family and you are just an employee who has to go along with it. You're not, you're an equal partner and your needs and wants carry just as much weight as his.

Good luck in dealing with this.

coppertop · 02/06/2012 23:12

So "we'll talk about it" has turned into "I'm going to tell you what's going to happen and if you disagree I'm going to insult you, belittle your contribution to the family, and imply that you have mental health problems".

Well done for standing up to him.

I have a sneaking suspicion that when he said he wasn't going to take the promotion, he was expecting you to feel guilty and insist that he take it. You didn't follow his planned script and that's why he's angry.

dittany · 02/06/2012 23:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ecclesvet · 02/06/2012 23:26

I don't think he's in the wrong at all. OP seems to think that because something nice has happened to him ((chance of) promotion), now something nice has to happen to her (new baby, less hours).

Just because he is not 'allowing' her to make him the sole breadwinner with another new mouth to feed doesn't make him a knob.

scottishmummy · 02/06/2012 23:27

no to a baby
your marriage is rocky
simmering resentment isn't cue for baby.

scottishmummy · 02/06/2012 23:39

he gets promotion
you get baby?
doesn't work like that