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Original poster

dh promotion, i want something for me for once...

79 replies

sallyo1981 · 01/06/2012 18:36

Hello
I am a very long term lurker. Sorry for only being brave enough to post when i need advise.
This might be lengthy so i appologise in advance! I am also using my phone so sorry for fat-fingered typos!!

Ok...
Dh has been offered a huge promotion. more money, (not mega amounts but still good) but with this will be lots more hours. he already has a very high pressured job btw.
I work 3days. I have always wanted to lessen my hours, and a 3rd child. Both of which he has said a loud "NO" to. we also has a plan to move to the coast this time next year.
I know he will want to take the job but i feel i have spent our whole relationship tagging along behind him.
Is it wrong to want to get something out of this deal?
I sound like a right cow...
We are going out tomorrow night ro talk it all through, but there is no way i can say dont do it. I am gutted that we wont be moving and even though he has said its both of our decision and he will do whats best for our family, its all just words as there is no way i can ask him to turn it down.
I should be so pleased for him, reaching the top of of his job but all i feel is butterflies in my tummy...

OP posts:
AnnieLobeseder · 02/06/2012 23:51

eccles - I think you're missing the bit where the OP's DH would be working longer hours with this promotion, for not much more money. This would be leaving the OP to shoulder more of the domestic burden for no obvious reward. Why shouldn't she want to get something more out of it too? Because as her DH presented it, she would only stand to have her life become more difficult as a result of him taking the promotion. How is that okay?

coppertop has summed it all up beautifully.

Dozer · 03/06/2012 08:17

Yes, coppertop's summary is really good. It's not wanting to further his career that makes him a knob, it's how he is treating OP.

A promotion (if this is indeed a promotion) isn't a "nice thing", it's something that affects everyone, and should work OK for everyone, or shouldn't be accepted. OP would struggle to continue to work three days with less help with childcare.

There is also history of him getting what he wants and dismissing OP's wishes.

QuintessentialShadows · 03/06/2012 09:25

To be offered to work harder under more pressure and with more responsibilities and more hours, for not much more money, is not really a promotion.

It is the employer taking the proverbial, and your dh sucking it up.

Dozer · 03/06/2012 09:59

Quintissentially, lots of employers doing this at the moment, and lots of fear about saying no to "opportunities". Horrible.

Dropdeadfred · 03/06/2012 10:01

So you couldn't afford to drop a day at work but you could afford another baby?? How??!!

QuintessentialShadows · 03/06/2012 10:09

I know that Dozer, but then it should not be branded "a huge promtion" and described as something good. Ops husband should be honest and say " It is really shit, but I fear that to keep my job I need to accept this "promotions" which means I must work harder, longer hours, for peanuts more, and I am worried"

I think this is probably the crux of the matter. And OP has jumped on it thinking "wow, baby for me and less hours" and cant quite understand her husband reaction.

He has probably not wanted to worry her, by making it into a good thing, rather than a worry.

StealthPolarBear · 03/06/2012 10:21

Agree all the decisions made have to be made by you two for the family. Dh recently got a huge promotion. One of Tje things he had to take into account was the effect it would have on my ability to work, as I stay away one night per week and he has to manage childcare, bedtime etc on those two days. If he had just told me it was happening I would not have been impressed

Original poster
sallyo1981 · 03/06/2012 11:04

Good morning ladies
well as i thought its still pretty bad this morning. I have tried to talk but he is angry.

Basically i refuse to understand our financial situation. He says he will not take the promotion as he cant deal with all this. to which i said, you are chosing to divorce then as he knows the resentment he would feel towards me would be massive if he doesnt do this.

We are both at a stale mate as neither wants to "give in"

OP posts:
dittany · 03/06/2012 11:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

letseatgrandma · 03/06/2012 11:21

Basically i refuse to understand our financial situation.

Is he accusing you of refusing to understand the finances or are you saying that you don't understand them?

Dozer · 03/06/2012 11:22

Why did you escalate things by talking about divorce? He is trying to make you give in by showing you that he'll make life hard if he doesn't take the job move. But any resentment, following his refusal to discuss everything reasonably, and decision to say no, would be on his shoulders.

Dozer · 03/06/2012 11:25

The sensible thing for him to do would be to find out much more about the role, terms and conditions, flexibility, demands etc.

Is it an internal move with the same employer, or another employer?

In either case it would be entirely reasonable to ask questions, his line that by doing so the decision is made is rubbish, and probably part of his attempt to pressure you.

Original poster
sallyo1981 · 03/06/2012 11:40

Sorry I wasnt clear... he said "i was resfusing to listen about our finances"

Because of the job we r in we have had a pay freeze, and will be losing child benifit and higher pension contribution over the next 2 years.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 03/06/2012 11:49

And in all this, you think it is sensible to reduce your work, and bring the expense of a third child into the equation?

I am beginning to think the man is right, he is just not going about things in the right way. But then, neither are you. Especially not if you start wallowing and throwing divorce into the mix, that is pure rattle out of pram throwing - tactics.

Dozer · 03/06/2012 11:57

Maybe information, lists, facts etc might help?

LunarRose · 03/06/2012 12:01

TBH I can see why you may have reached a stale mate. Each issue needs to be considered seperately and the pair of you can't seperate them.

If you need a drop in hours you need to show this can be afforded, Where the savings will be to do it. do you know enough about your finances to know whether you can afford a drop in hours? You need to show him this, treat it as a business presentation if this is the best language he'll understand.

If you can't afford the drop in hours CAN YOU manage the home while he swans off at work? This should be the only deciding factor in whether he takes the job. Personally I think it's wrong to hold him back if you can. In the same way as it's wrong to hold you back from cutting hours if you can afford it.

It's the wrong time to have a baby anyway. Settle you into your new hours and him into the new job and then do it. Perhaps actually the best option is to have the baby and cut the hours to 2 days a week on your return from maternity leave.

Show him it can be done, instead of the pair of you stomping your feet and demanding stuff that neither you actually have considered whether it's possible for you as a family.

ecclesvet · 03/06/2012 12:07

"There's a chance I might be promoted. More hours, a little more money. What do you think?"
"Promotion?! This is brilliant! We can have that new baby I want, and I can cut down on my hours!"
"Um, no, nothing's final, it's not that much more money, and I've already made it clear I don't want a third child"
"OH MY GOD YOU'RE SUCH A KNOB WHY CAN'T YOU GIVE ME EVERYTHING I WANT"?

Not how it went down, I'm sure; just showing a different angle.

Original poster
sallyo1981 · 03/06/2012 13:47

He has just created a spreadsheet with our finances on over the next 3 years. I suppose this was to prove the point we cant afford for me to work less, thanks. Well done for being so clever.
sorry i am still sa

OP posts:
LunarRose · 03/06/2012 14:07

Is the spreadsheet right?? Now you have something to work with check it. Check it back to bills, check it back to pay slips, check it back to what has actually been spend out of the bank account. This in itself can be illuminating. Find out if you can make the savings for you to do it, of course if your lower paid this is easier as the savings need to be less. Don't forget to take into account childcare costs

I my exH who did this. Invarably the spreadsheet was wrong (sometimes deliberately rigged). However now I keep the spreadsheet. I KNOW what we can and can afford, and KNOW when there's wriggle room and when there isn't, more so than DP. Giving you DH the benefit of the doubt i know I would be annoyed if my DP continually insisted he wanted to do something that we couldn't afford.

If you genuinely can't afford to drop hours, that's not him being clever that's just being honest about your financial situation. BUT if he does go for the new job, maybe you can look at reducing to 2 days per a week or other things to make your life easier such as a cleaner.

Amateurish · 03/06/2012 14:11

If he goes for promotion then can you afford to work fewer hours?

LunarRose · 03/06/2012 14:14

Also work out what is important to you. You may not be able to afford a cut in hours AND a new baby but there might be the option of one or the other. or a compromise, eg cut down to 2 on return from maternity leave.

He's shown that he is moveable on the baby front. What is it you actually want?

hairytale · 03/06/2012 14:45

You sound like you are being very submissive. A partnership is about two people compromising and making decisions together.

For what reason do you want to drop your work hours?

myBOYSareBONKERS · 03/06/2012 15:01

Have you thought of other ways that you can "gain" time back for yourself? eg cleaner, ironing sent out etc. You may not be able to drop your working hours but with the extra pay DH will earn it could pay for these luxuries

startlife · 03/06/2012 15:08

I mentioned earlier that I had a similar position. In my case I felt that dh did have an agenda which was that I stay at home, life is much, much easier for him if I take on the household responsibilities. However he didn't work the finances properly and I would have preferred that he did a detailed spreadsheet over 3 years as now we struggle financially and it's no fun at all.

I agree with a comment that the issues have been linked however the issue of the 3rd baby was an unlying tension. I understand that the OP feels sad, maybe she has yearned for another child for a long time so she needs time to process this. We can all relate to your feelings - quite a lot of us have gone through the feelings of loss for the childbirth years. The DH doesn't feel the same. That's not wrong just different. Ideally he would be offering the OP support but I genuinely don't feel he can relate to it so struggles to empathise.

I think sadly this is the reality for most couples today, 2 incomes are needed to maintain a household, work is very precarious and the main income holder feels pressure to do what is asked of them.

OP I think you need to process the prospect of not having a 3rd child. It is a grieving process for some people. Life is unfair sometimes and I think the way that the economy is a lot of people are having to make similar decisions.

LunarRose · 03/06/2012 15:27

Actually I had a friend who did it the other way round. She struggled on hormonal contraceptive (big issues) and wanted baby number 3, her DH didn't. She very openly said she wouldn't take hormonal contraceptive anymore, and if HE didn't want a baby HE would have to either have the snip or organise condoms. If he did that she would accept stopping their family at 2. A year later they had baby number three and he went on to have the snip after.

BUT she was also prepared to UP her hours at work and do what she had to to make baby 3 work for their family. I know she would love to cut her hours (and her DH is now trying to improve his business she can do that) but Baby number 3 was more important to her.