For anyone with a shit / abusive DH/DP

[mcmooncup]

I would just like to put some brief words down about this "I don't want my DC to lose their father" fear.

I left my abusive DH just over a year ago. It was hard, it was horrendous, I didn't know my arse from my elbow, I was incredibly guilty about "breaking up the family" and the DC losing their nuclear family and their DF.

But a year on, after lots of heartache and actually continued harrassment from ex, there is one positive that I never predicted. I knew that people said that the DC would be better without him growing up in a non-toxic environment, but I didn't really believe it because I could see their pain and confusion.

But truly truly truly, the change I see in my DC is immeasurable. My ex was abusive but it was very undercover and violence was only very periodic......so in my head "the abuse was not that bad"..........but WOW. I now have children who are fluorishing, they now hug me properly, they are no longer subtly criticised and put down and their confidence has shot through the roof, they have hopes and dreams that they talk about with me, they are much calmer with their friends, they are interested in life, they know how to laugh til they cry, and most of all, they totally trust me. All I could say to them when the split happened was for them to trust me and that I would never do anything that will harm them, and only ever think of what is best for them - seems they believe me now.

There are so many other things. But all in all, they are BETTER. Happy. Confident. Hopeful for their futures.

I just want to write this down because I know so many women struggle on with horrendous relationships thinking it is the right thing to do for their DC. I thought that too and I was cut up to break up at the time........but when you read on here that the DC will be better off, it really is so true - often the level of mind bending that has gone on is so unconscious that you genuinely mistake bad situations as your only hope.

So if you know deep inside that you need to get out, and are living with abuse. The life on the other side is so different to what you imagine. And so very fulfilling. It is nothing to be frightened of, I will promise you that.

Great post. Everyone 'staying together for the sake of the children', whether the relationship is abusive or simply run its course and descended into low-level sniping and lack of interest, should read it.

Tha actually brought a tear to my eye! Well done to you x 10000000000

Fantastic what a strong brave inspirational women. Your kids' trust is just immeasurable

Well done op you are so right in everything you said, completely agree, the sense of inner peace and relief you get when you break away from a abusive relationship is immeasurably isn't and this definitely reflects in children as well best wishes to you all x

Just wanted to add to the standing ovation. Well done you! Hope you all continue to bloom.

On a practical note, can I ask how old your DCs are, and if they still see their father at all? And what was the final straw for you - what made you leave?

agree.

my dds flourished when we left

tho it took some time and due to exp's ups and downs (severe MH issues invovling agrssion) impacting on contact, it has been rollercoaster at times.

but overall was best decision for them.

providing a safe seure happy home without the person who dictated everythin by his moods...

I have to say op i nearly cried when i read your post. I only wish i'd read it all those years ago when breaking up my family seemed like the worst case scenario, when in fact i was already living it. However there is always the straw that broke the camel's back and if it wasnt for that i would not now be happily re-married to my wonderful, loving dh. If your post helps at least one person that is amazing. And what you have taught your children is that one has the power to change one's life.

A thoughtful and helpful post, thank you so much. I am about to do this and it's a relief to see a story "from the other side".

Well done Mcmooncup i'm glad its going well and that your children are flourishing. It must be rewarding by the bucket load to see the change in them and know that you did that. I hope things continue to improve for you and your family. Thankyou for sharing

I know I thrived when my mum left my dad. I went on to have a good relationship with him as a grown up, as I knew where to set the boundaries, something I would never have learnt had we stayed with him.

Well done for your brave decision to get out & away from an abusive partner, I hope you all gain loads more confidence as time goes by. Good luck for the future.

What a brilliant post. I find it very frustrating when people say they want to keep an abusive and toxic situation together for the "sake of the children"

IMO, you need to get out for the sake of the children. Congratulations, McM, you changed your children's (and your) life for the better.

Can we have this on the Home page of the site?

Well done OP, your kids are bloody lucky to have you as a mum
I hope someone who is in a hard position reads this, and it gives them the strength to do what needs to be done- inspirational post.

Great post. Well done and great to hear about your kids x

Thank you for putting your feelings and experiences down so eloquently on paper. I am that woman! Just half an hour ago after a week of very subtle nagging from "D"P I asked my 10 yr old if he felt daddy a bit grumpy sometimes. Let's just say he certainly does. I have a lot to think about, has anybody got a link for a check list as everything will be thrown in the air but I cant ignore my baby xx Thanks so much, the more I read the more I am encouraged that I am not a sad, depressed, fat, spotty, useless, stupid, patronising, selfish (i could go on you know the script I'm sure) as I have been told.

What a wonderful post. Well done OP. It made me cry with happiness for you. I wonder if it is ever too late?

me too me too....it's AMAZING....since we went no contact everyone is doing so well I cry frequently with relief and joy

well done MC so glad for you, your DCs and everyone who has moved on for the sake of themselves and the DCs.

roo I have many checklists, what exactly do you need?

What about contact with ex? If your dv don't have it how did u stop it?
I need to know pls in awful situation

WG
stopped as not safe or healthy for DCs. Discussed at the time with social services and solicitor. He is scared so hasn't challenged it yet. I hope I can buy us enough time so that DCs are in a better place to cope and then arrange supervised contact before he winds up to going to court.

I know we are all scared of preventing contact but sometimes it has to be done, you just have to document really well the reasons you are doing it (must be for sake of DCs) the steps you have taken to assist success of previous contact and have a plan to move forward (ie don't look like you are stopping on a whim, for your own sake or to punish him).

It helps that EA to DCs was the main reason I asked him to leave although he was obviously abusive to me too.

you OK?

Whipping - are you OK?

I can't really post with any helpful detail :-(

You sound sad Whipping.

If you are unsafe, there are some things you can do to be safe.