For anyone with a shit / abusive DH/DP

[mcmooncup]

I would just like to put some brief words down about this "I don't want my DC to lose their father" fear.

I left my abusive DH just over a year ago. It was hard, it was horrendous, I didn't know my arse from my elbow, I was incredibly guilty about "breaking up the family" and the DC losing their nuclear family and their DF.

But a year on, after lots of heartache and actually continued harrassment from ex, there is one positive that I never predicted. I knew that people said that the DC would be better without him growing up in a non-toxic environment, but I didn't really believe it because I could see their pain and confusion.

But truly truly truly, the change I see in my DC is immeasurable. My ex was abusive but it was very undercover and violence was only very periodic......so in my head "the abuse was not that bad"..........but WOW. I now have children who are fluorishing, they now hug me properly, they are no longer subtly criticised and put down and their confidence has shot through the roof, they have hopes and dreams that they talk about with me, they are much calmer with their friends, they are interested in life, they know how to laugh til they cry, and most of all, they totally trust me. All I could say to them when the split happened was for them to trust me and that I would never do anything that will harm them, and only ever think of what is best for them - seems they believe me now.

There are so many other things. But all in all, they are BETTER. Happy. Confident. Hopeful for their futures.

I just want to write this down because I know so many women struggle on with horrendous relationships thinking it is the right thing to do for their DC. I thought that too and I was cut up to break up at the time........but when you read on here that the DC will be better off, it really is so true - often the level of mind bending that has gone on is so unconscious that you genuinely mistake bad situations as your only hope.

So if you know deep inside that you need to get out, and are living with abuse. The life on the other side is so different to what you imagine. And so very fulfilling. It is nothing to be frightened of, I will promise you that.

wg, there is a place on here that you can post that isn't googleable

so, if someone knows your name on here, namechange and post there

and change a few salient details so you are not immediately recognisable, there are people are on here who understand where you are coming from

Can you pm me how to do that please?
I'm not unsafe right now but struggling and need wisdom x

Congrats to McM!

But WhippingGirl - I'm worried about you. Please post more, either here or start another thread - name change if necessary. Lots of people here will help you.

pm'ed you

What about the fact that when you leave abusive, shit ex, your children then have to stay with your ex one, two, three nights a week whatever the arrangement is? Then they are ALONE with an abusive ex. This is what worries me. I would never have left my ex because of my fear about this, but now he's left me and our young child, age 6, goes and stays there 3 nights a week. I am sick with anxiety and fear for my DS.
Ex DH wasn't violent but horrible just the same. Critical, dismissive, always has to be right, not interested in the child's personality, only wants him to behave and make him look like a good dad to his friends. My son is worried the whole time he's there in case his Dad gets cross..

Our son is actually now having MORE exposure to his Dad now we have split as ex DH didn't have much to do with him while he lived with us, but now he demands his RIGHT to have his child 50/50.

plocket, has 50/50 contact been sanctioned and enforced by the authorities ?

No, ex moved out in Feb. He said he wouldn't move out til I signed an agreement to say what money I got, how often he had DD, etc. I did speak to lawyers and in the end they said just sign it, it's not legally binding, then he'll move out. It was just a bit of paper between me and him, not with legal jargon, etc. I was in such a state I just wanted him to go and I thought his demand for 50/50 access would peter out as he'd never been interested in him before. Now he is fixated on it though.
But talking to lawyers is costing me loads and I can't get a clear idea of what to do to reduce contact. We are not divorced yet only seperated.

Pretty much the same problem as plocket. Can't risk a post as exp has used mn in the past and strongly disapproved of me using it. Because you are all biased man hating harpies obviously. I'm sad because I have so much to tell you all - good and bad

Sorry your going through the same "Whipping"; it's unbearable. Every says calm down you'll get used to it, but I DO NOT think it's physically possible for a mother to "get used" to sending her child off to somewhere they will not be safe. The anxiety is not going to go away. I was up at 3am crying last night and panicking. Lots of nights in fact. Every ounce of my being tells me I have to stop this, but I can't weigh up the options. If I say "no you're not having him/her" ex DH may turn up, go berserk, snatch him etc. Sorry am not saying DD or DS as am trying to protect my anonymity too, whipping in case DH comes on here. Then I either have to let him drag DS away which is traumatic for him, or call police, equally horribly traumatic, or hide out at a friends house, but then he shows up at school, even more horrendous. Every way I turn I am buggered.

bump

It's just just the contact. Why can't he just fuck off and leave me alone? He can't contact me directly but I can't get through a day without him bothering a friend or interfering in other ways. I know yesterday he checked up on a contentious parenting decision so I know I'll get a shitty solicitor letter about that.

Unfortunately, I've got a similar problem to plocket and whipping; although a bit more advanced ie: DC who won't go to contact, litigation for nearly a year with ex, spent nearly all my savings on lawyers, still constantly being lied about and watching my back/feeling underattack and because DC happier without contact that's also my fault.... and so it goes on...

Yes why won't they ever leave us alone.. I feel sick that my child's childhood is being tainted by this man. I feel so guilty for giving him him as a father...But how are your contact arrangements made. Just made mutually through the tow of you or through courts?

Choosing how did you go about stopping the contact if your ~DC didn't want to go. Mine doesn't, but I don't know how to stop it without a huge damaging scene.

I am so sorry that you too feel that horrible sickness and guilt, plocket, my only advice would be to try and avoid going through the court system if at all possible.

I don't kind him having limited contact that's on a schedule etc. dc want to see him but that's mu limit. I would trust him for short periods only and he has never had the dc for more than a fixed period of time even when we were together. Dv are so much more settled now and lead happy sage lives. I'm damned if I'm letting him disturb them.
I have huge welfare concerns about over might contact etc and what he would say to them about our relationship. He was extremely EA and I will watch dc behaviour like a hawk for signs of this with them.

At the very least my eldest dc thought their name was no!! Now it's just us we have fun all the time, eat and sleep at the proper times and I taken them out as much as I can. I don't need anyone to tell me I'm a good parent because I k ow I am. Dc are happy and confident and generally very well behaved. I have mu h more time and energy for them now I don't have to waste it all keeping exp under control!

But Whipping how do u stop the contact? Did u use courts?

what a positive, inspiring OP. well done to you for getting out of your abusive situation, i wish you and your dc all the happiness in the world x

What were your experiences of the court system Choosing? I need to know my options

Sorry, x posts, I didn't have a choice - not physically able to get DC to go (older than yours) - and there have been MANY highly damaging scenes, Court appearances, therapists, social workers etc involved and still it goes on.... sorry that you are going through it..

Oh God I'm so sorry. What a crap system. I think my plan might be to just duck and dive and get DS lots of playdates for the days he's staying with his Dad, so he actually doesn't go there for the whole day. But at present DH is living with a fiend which is a relief as there is someone else there to keep an eye on dd, but god knows what I'm going to do when he moves in on his own. He is not fit to have him alone for overnights.

Will be back on later. all advise gratefully recived!!

DH is living with a friend by the way, not a fiend!