For anyone with a shit / abusive DH/DP

[mcmooncup]

I would just like to put some brief words down about this "I don't want my DC to lose their father" fear.

I left my abusive DH just over a year ago. It was hard, it was horrendous, I didn't know my arse from my elbow, I was incredibly guilty about "breaking up the family" and the DC losing their nuclear family and their DF.

But a year on, after lots of heartache and actually continued harrassment from ex, there is one positive that I never predicted. I knew that people said that the DC would be better without him growing up in a non-toxic environment, but I didn't really believe it because I could see their pain and confusion.

But truly truly truly, the change I see in my DC is immeasurable. My ex was abusive but it was very undercover and violence was only very periodic......so in my head "the abuse was not that bad"..........but WOW. I now have children who are fluorishing, they now hug me properly, they are no longer subtly criticised and put down and their confidence has shot through the roof, they have hopes and dreams that they talk about with me, they are much calmer with their friends, they are interested in life, they know how to laugh til they cry, and most of all, they totally trust me. All I could say to them when the split happened was for them to trust me and that I would never do anything that will harm them, and only ever think of what is best for them - seems they believe me now.

There are so many other things. But all in all, they are BETTER. Happy. Confident. Hopeful for their futures.

I just want to write this down because I know so many women struggle on with horrendous relationships thinking it is the right thing to do for their DC. I thought that too and I was cut up to break up at the time........but when you read on here that the DC will be better off, it really is so true - often the level of mind bending that has gone on is so unconscious that you genuinely mistake bad situations as your only hope.

So if you know deep inside that you need to get out, and are living with abuse. The life on the other side is so different to what you imagine. And so very fulfilling. It is nothing to be frightened of, I will promise you that.

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At the moment it's suspending pending a court case but I'm digging my heels in this time.

It's funny I used to findanagingvthem on my own quite hard. Now that I have to I wonder what the problem was - its do easy and I never feel stressed with them anymore

Hi Whipping* how did you get it restricted pending a court hearing? I just don't know if I have the rights to reduce the contact, or how to.

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Very supportive solicitor

Ooh I like the sound of that. I have spoken to very good solicitors, but hearing horror stories on here it sounds like it's just so random as to how the judge decides on the day. I'd like a RO put in place until the courts can decide what's best, then hope it drags out long enough hat DD grows old enough to be ok at her Dad's!

Yes Whipping folks who don't know me very well look all concerned and ask "Isn't it tough looking after him all on your own?" WHAT???!! IT's a breeze!

Perhaps if you're in London I can nab your supportive solicitor. xx

Afraid not plocket. I did have an injunction at one point though so that helped.

It has got worse though. As predicted exp behaviour is worse than ever before since the split. I presume because this is the most I have ever stood up for myself do he is all the more enraged.
Nothing as yet has made exp take responsibility for his behaviour and I'm not holding out for Cafcass doing it either. Going to name change now as need to try and stay anon. Will try and think of a reference random enough to fox exp

I think you describe 'the script' for these type of men whipping. Standing up certainly means RAGE in my experience too.

I really try not to Feed The Troll. He thrives off confrontation, whereas it pretty much physically pains me. But still you have to stand up for the important stuff, i.e. kids. The rest I just do my best to ignore e.g. money, criticism of me (constant).

I don't think very many of these men EVER take responsibility for their behaviour, and that is just a fact we have to come to terms with. It's weird, when we very first split my ex did in some ways take responsibility for what he had done (admitted being an abuser etc etc) but then as time has gone on, he has totally rewritten history and now the reason he quotes for us splitting is that "I was bored and wanted some new cock". Nice. But really, whatevs.

Each time they behave in "their way" it is just a nice reminder of why the fuck we had to get out

Hope you are OK Whipping, it will get better, just the road is rocky.

It's rocky indeed. Really though it's worse now. When we were together he had a tiny bit of restraint. Now he has none in area of his life and his anger is out of control. The reason I stayed do long is mostly because I could sort of keep him under control in the welfare of the kids way. Now I have nothing hence huge apprehension about contact.

If someone is shitty to be married to, they continue to be shitty to be divorced from. I have every sympathy with those of you worried about your dcs with their father - I had a thread along those lines myself recently.

I just wanted to say to any lurkers, if you're wondering whether this means you're better off staying with an abusive partner - ime, I'm still so, so relieved I left him. Yes, I worry about DD while with him. But at least I can show her normality when she's with me. And I'm stronger and happier and better able to parent. This may not be everyone's experience, but it is mine. I can't protect my DD entirely against the toxic influence of her father, but at least I can stop it being the air she breathes every day.

And contrary to some, I'm really glad I took the court route. Yes, it cost me money, but it means that when ex tries to keep DD longer than agreed, I can go to the police and get them to bring her back. He would happily ride roughshod over me, but he's finding it hard to do so over the legal establishment. It's done a lot to reduce my fears about him abducting DD. Frankly, I could kiss the paper the court order is written on.

It is truly horrendous Scarred, I really do empathise. I totally know what you mean about him being worse following the split, and I wonder whether it is just the mask has totally slipped /or if I was too blind to see it before, but either way, we are not responsible for their behaviour. Being enablers and co-dependents is no way to live our lives. I get what you say about keeping a lid on it by being together, but no-one will ever thank you for sacrificing everything about yourself just to stop some a-hole being violent / abusive. The DC will inevitably see it for what it is at some point in the future - and that is what we have to remain hopeful for.

I am careful to correct anything he might have said or done when he has been with them - from talking about how 'fit' a 'bird', swearing, being drunk, not feeding them anything other than pizza, letting them stay up until 2.30am, criticising them, whatever it might be. I hate all of the above (and there are some worse things), but as Nickname says, at least they don't breath that air all the time now and I have the space to show them what life should be like.

How much contact do your exes have? My ex at the mo (no court order) has DD three days a week (including nites). Almost half her life dealing with this man. I weep at the thought of it. How do you ever come to terms with letting your precious DC's go off to be with someone who is harming them, physically or mentally? I just don't think I can ever come to terms with it. But am not confident the court's would help me, from the stories I've heard on here. But it may be a route I'll have to take at some point, depending on his actions. I would kiss a piece of paper that said he couldn't take them away unless supervised, could only have her one day a week or two, no overnights, had to get my permission to take her on hols. It'd not going to happen hough, is it?

I told abusive ex that the only way he could have contact with DD1 was through supervised contact at a social services centre, where they would make arrangements for me to drop her off and pick her up so i didn't have to come across him. I had a police alarm in the house and a police mobile, so the police were able to be supportive and provide a statement to SS that they believed if he attacked me again he would kill me. I also had an injunction against him. He refused the supervised contact and didn't bother with lawyers, thankfully the most selfless act he ever did was to kill himself a year after our split.

What's an MRA. I will get called a malicious mother by exp without a doubt. Accusing me of using dc against him was in the first conversation post split. He is a massive cliche.
I can reflect now when I'm not feeling too on the thick of it that he is a misogynist and that they cannot be reasoned with. He also has NPD, naturally. His 1st wife was ridiculed and bitched about to all and sundry and I imagine I am too. I have to laugh though. It's amazing I have any friends or love interests when I'm such an awful person right? And of course he used to say no one else would put up with
me.
The say things are now, when I'm having a good day I feel liberated and strong and happy sometimes but the solicitors letters feel like body blows, even though my sol, who is a woman, obviously, is very supportive and kind to me and makes no bones about what a shit she thinks exp is.

plocket, my ex has DD for 9 nights out of 28 (slightly complicated schedule). It's more than I'd like. But yes, the court order does specify that he has to fulfil certain conditions before taking her out of the country, and effectively he needs my permission. If you have any real reason to think abduction might be an issue, a court should take that seriously.

My situation mightn't be as bad as some, because I don't think my ex is pure unmitigated evil. I think he is damaged and damaging. There are some good parts to their relationship. DD is only 4, and I worry about the future when she no longer worships Daddy. I think we might see the classic narcissist "devalue and discard". I agree that it's horrendous just waiting for your child to be hurt. I console myself with fantasies that ex might fall under a bus before we get to that stage.

MRA= male rights activist

Often used as a misnomer for revengeful men who have been kicked into touch by women who have finally managed to free themselves from an abusive relationship

Ohhhh the fathers for justice types? Yes exp is a bit like that. The answer to any debate about dv is - men are abused too! Yawn.
I shall be adopting that acronym

There is another term you could use

tosser

Plocket - I am similar to Nickname in terms of contact but there was an isolated incident with the children early on and have a supervised contact order ready to go and if he does anything again, I will do it. He probably doesn't deserve a second chance but at the moment it is OK. He is actually trying to maintain his public persona so the super dad thing parachuting in for 24 hours a week is bearable at the moment.

Although saying all that I think he just called me a cunt in earshot of DS2 today. And said he is going to make my life a misery for the rest of my life.