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Original poster

SIL wants financial help for her wedding - causing family rift because we refuse....

132 replies

Orinoco · 20/02/2006 21:53

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
tribpot · 21/02/2006 20:33

The amount of money you may or may not have is absolutely irrelevant, though, isn't it? You are 100% NOT obliged to contribute to this couple's ludicrous concept of what is 'required' to get married.

I'm not surprised your dh doesn't want to go. I would advise simply laying low for a while. I assume the event is some way off yet. The dust may yet settle.

tribpot · 21/02/2006 20:35

I assume there's also a sub-text in your MIL wanting to point out her ex's 'failings' in not being able to provide for his daughter's wedding? You're being used as pawns in that game, would be my assessment.

Bozza · 21/02/2006 20:35

Ah Orinocco I think the fact that your PILs are seperated sheds some light on the situation. Sounds like MIL's new partner may not be too willing to fund it to the degree she would like... Maybe she feels that she is letting her DD down. Still totally out of order of course.

Bozza · 21/02/2006 20:36

Ah maybe tribpots interpretation is better than mine. But definitely them not being together is part of the issue.

tribpot · 21/02/2006 20:40

I like yours as well Bozza. Something's afoot, and it seems more to do with MIL than SIL.

Bozza · 21/02/2006 20:42

Yes has your SIL actually spoken to you directly or has it all come via MIL? Is it possible that SIL would cringe if she realised what her mummy was up to?

catsmother · 21/02/2006 21:12

I may be way off line here, but I'm just getting this image of the sort of Mother of the Bride from hell who lives for the day her daughter gets married - and it's as much about being a day for her, as for the couple getting married. Maybe others know "the sort" ? ..... my ex-MIL was one .... mutton dressed as lamb, centre of attention ............. oops, getting carried away with myself.

The PILs being separated could in MIL's eyes be "justification" for her request - but only, if you are incredibly insensitive to other people's feelings, and also believe that your daughter is "entitled" to a certain standard of wedding. Going back to the MOTTBFH idea - many of these women look upon the occasion as an opportunity to "pay back" past invites to various of their friends and acquaintances too, a chance to be the "gracious hostess".

That still doesn't excuse her approaching you, nor her sneering at your lifestyle. You are perfectly entitled to eat out as and when you wish without it having to be seen as some indicator of your wealth (or not). And what the heck that's got to do with subbing a couple who must have at least £2k disposable income each month (after rent, bills, travel to work) I don't know.

If they in particular can't afford it, then they only have themselves to blame. Why should their inability to save, cut back, take a loan or Godf forbid wait entitle them to help from people less well off than them ?

I know this is really irrelevant to your situation but I've been engaged 2.5 years. We can literally not afford to get married. Yes, really we can't ..... even on a "shoestring". Right now, we couldn't even afford the registry office fee, before you consider it might be nice to be dressed in something other than jeans. If we ever do somehow manage to scrape some extra money together, there are 101 things we need to do to our house which really should take priority. So, we wait ......... ad infinitum, probably. Both my potential MIL and BIL are well off but we wouldn't dream of asking them to pay for our wedding.

I really do think that family or not, this whole thing is incredibly rude, and not only that, but greedy and shameless, given that the couple seem to completely capable of paying for themselves. Which other family members have been approached ..... how do they feel ?

WestCountryLass · 21/02/2006 21:25

Tell them to bugger off!!!! What a bloomin' cheek!

Redtartanlass · 21/02/2006 21:36

Orinoco does your SIL know you've been asked to contribute?

lostsoxs · 21/02/2006 21:43

NO WAY!!! The absolute cheek of some people..
DP and i are getting married later this year, we cannot afford a big do and are doing everything we can as cheap as poss. i would not dream of asking anyone to contribute monetary to our wedding, not even my mum.
On a slightly different note -We have recently received 2 invites to weddings both asking for money as gifts - which has infuriated me as one couple didnt even invite our dd.

kiskidee · 21/02/2006 22:03

dh says: eeehhhh! [blink, blink] bloody hell!

I say, in a case like this, a family rift is not a bad thing.

threelittlebabies · 21/02/2006 23:41

Nothing to add except my own . Good luck with keeping the peace, you are a saint to want to try in these circs!

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 22/02/2006 00:07

does this thread get the prize for biggest mn consensus ever? I can't find a single dissenter! (Orinoco - we must be from different ends of the county - I;m not even sure where Ilkeston is! - I'm from in the north just near Sheffield)

bobbybobbobbingalong · 22/02/2006 03:51

I think your dh needs to talk to his sister.

NotActuallyAMum · 22/02/2006 08:24

I'm starting to agree this could be the MILs doing rather than the SILs too - still totally bloody outrageous of course, if fact perhaps even more so!! I told DP about this last night - he just looked at me and said "you are f*£$ing joking aren't you?"

Orinoco I'm not far from you - South Derbyshire

Firefox · 22/02/2006 09:06

I don't suppose there is a remote possibility that your SIL does not know that your MIL has asked you for a contribution???

Think the whole idea of asking you to contribute is inexcusable

prettybird · 22/02/2006 09:07

How old is the SIL (and her dh-to-be)?

I'm with veryone else: it is up to her (and her parents i she is asking them to pay for it) to busget for the wedding according to how much they can afford.

If they want the "Bells & whistles" version at £20,000 - and they can afford it - then that is their choice. But they shouldn't be expecting others to contribute.

Espcially as a) from their income, it sounds as if they could save up for it and b) I get the impression that they are not fresh out of school/education with student loans hanging over their heads.

Blackduck · 22/02/2006 09:11

sounds like DH needs to have a chat with both sister and mother. If not to find out where the 'idea' came from, at least to squash an notion that you might contribute, and to point out that snide comments about your lifestyle are unacceptable...
(funny isn't it how families have ideas about your finances - my BIL thinks we are loaded when we probably have the least of the three siblings...)

WideWebWitch · 22/02/2006 09:13

So this is unanimous then! Have you told her to eff off yet Orinoco? (haven't read latest, sorry if I've missed something)

jerry21 · 22/02/2006 13:41

That is soooo ridiculous!! They have a cheek, especially when they earn as much as they do!!
Me and DH paid for our own wedding, and although it wasn't a HUGE church wedding, it was a fantastic day and everyone really enjoyed theirselves.
At the end of the day, they decided to get married so why should you have to stump up the money for it? If it was the other way around and you asked her for the money, do you really think that she would pay up??
What does your DH think? (And I would tell MIL to bog off, if they want to pay, thats fine, just don't expect everyone to!!)

slug · 22/02/2006 16:39

Just in the interest of fairness, perhaps you could offer to pay exactly the same amount she contributed to your wedding?

Am I right in assuming this is something in the region of £20 for a tacky gift?

Blandmum · 22/02/2006 16:52

Is this a first on MN, a thread that everyone agrees with????

You should print it off and show it to the inlaws

Freckle · 22/02/2006 18:28

Is it possible that SIL is thinking along old-fashioned lines that her parents should pay for the wedding? And perhaps, because MIL can't afford it by herself, she is seeking to offset some of the cost on other family members? SIL may have no idea of (a) the fact that her mother cannot afford the wedding she wants and (b) that she is running around the family with a begging bowl.

Original poster
Orinoco · 22/02/2006 21:15

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
flashingnose · 22/02/2006 21:18

In that case, I'd be very tempted to phone SIL and act really worried - say you'd love to help in any practical way you can but really can't afford monetary assistance at the moment (insert long story about the cost of school shoes at this point).

That way, SIL finds out what MIL has been up to and hopefully, they both have a little squirmy moment.

And don't tell FIL .