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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

SIL wants financial help for her wedding - causing family rift because we refuse....

132 replies

Orinoco · 20/02/2006 21:53

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lockets · 20/02/2006 22:15

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Original poster
Orinoco · 20/02/2006 22:16

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OP posts:
Beetroot · 20/02/2006 22:16

just sent link of that book to my sil mind you, they have postponed wedding as they cannot afford it...

LIZS · 20/02/2006 22:16

They are taking the p*ss.

lockets · 20/02/2006 22:16

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Beetroot · 20/02/2006 22:18

my dad suggested that all the guest pay for their own meal

lockets · 20/02/2006 22:18

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goldstarlover · 20/02/2006 22:20

lockets.. if i get married will you pay for it>?

lockets · 20/02/2006 22:22

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Miaou · 20/02/2006 22:23

For about the first time ever, I am rendered speechless.

goldstarlover · 20/02/2006 22:25

oh no i'd much rather you moved to horsham

lockets · 20/02/2006 22:26

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hunkermunker · 20/02/2006 22:31

Orinoco, that's mad.

Can you ask your MIL why you should be contributing?

Actually, get her a wedding etiquette book and ask her to highlight the passage where it says that siblings should pay for each others weddings.

jampots · 20/02/2006 22:33

I think this "we shouldn't expect everyone else to live to our standards" is the key phrase here.

Remind your MIL of "your" standards and suggest SIL gets married to them!

hunkermunker · 20/02/2006 22:34

What do they want you to contribute?

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 20/02/2006 22:34

OMG - you shouldn't expect everyone else to live to your standards??? from what you've said you don't. You are entirely indifferent to how they spend their money and whether they chose to spend it on their social life or on their wedding. But you are not indifferent to how you spend your own money. You ask about avoiding a rift - firstly if a rift develops I don;t think it is you that has created it. Second - state your position, calmly and politely to whomever you need and then ask them to respect your decision about your money and not ask you to reconsider it. Say you are not going to change your mind, and that you really don;t want to fall out about it so you think it best if everyone could consider the subject closed and not talk about it. If you are feeling remotely generous (possibly difficult in the circumstances) and if you think sil would listen (possible doubtful) then suggest that if they can't afford certain things they could ask for contributions in kind. My sil had a fantastic wedding - she blagged the use of next door's lovely big garden for a marquee, she got friends to play in a band, friends did all the flowers, people brought puddings. It gave the wedding a really lovely feel. But something tells me this approach might not be this woman's style...

WideWebWitch · 20/02/2006 22:55

I'm with everyone else, what an incredible cheek! Tell them to pay for it themselves or economise or forget it. Outrageous!

WideWebWitch · 20/02/2006 22:55

I'm with everyone else, what an incredible cheek! Tell them to pay for it themselves or economise or forget it. Outrageous!

VeniVidiVickiQV · 20/02/2006 23:14

It is a cheek when they are clearly able to afford more than most and they have such a huge budget. Even more of a cheek for MIL to have a strop over it.

THat said, i am in the position of asking family to help us with our wedding this year by doing something to help rather than give a gift (if they were going to). Our budget is was £2000 but now £1500. Most people are offering help though so no need to actually ask which is much nicer.

jac34 · 20/02/2006 23:16

What a cheek, if your MIL thinks your being unreasonable then print out this thread and show it to her.
Just can not believe how selfish some people can be

chipmonkey · 20/02/2006 23:22

at your SIL and at your MIL! Surely they're taking the p*ss!

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 20/02/2006 23:27

have just seen the cost! Sorry but how has this happened - surely the starting point with planning any big spend is how much can you afford. then everything flows from that. not, what do I want? oh I can't afford it, need to get help. If the venue is already decided it sounds a bit like they've gone ahead and effectively spent money that isn;t theirs to spend. (btw where in Derbyshire are you from? me too)

Flossam · 20/02/2006 23:41

Goood god. If they cant afford it don't do it!!!! I don't think I'd want to go if they were the sort of people who think it is reasonable to ask anyone and everyone to pay for their own wedding! After all a wedding is hardly essential in this day and age is it? Especially a 20k one!!!

JenJam · 20/02/2006 23:50

how much do they want you to contribute?

...for an extra laugh

meggmoo · 20/02/2006 23:54

Well frankly I would be appalled even if you did have the money to pay for it that they have the bloody cheek to ask you.

On th eother hand say you would be delighted to pay for what you could afford and pay for the registry office and a few rounds of sarnies at a local pub.

The MIL in question wants a red hot poker shoved up her bum for being so cross about it, agree with others get her to pay for it after all she's the mum. Hey grab one of your mum's laundry baskets and lump her one.

Can't believe how cross I am for you on this one!