How do I forgive & forget?

[DoingItForMyself]

I've been married to DH for 13 years, we have 3 lovely DCs but our relationship has hit rock-bottom.

My self-esteem is at ground level and I blame him at least partly for that, as he has very little emotional intelligence and can be detached cold and selfish at times.

Of course his version of events is very different - I am volatile, over-emotional and needy. He will insist that whatever he has said or done to make me feel unloved or useless is just my opinion and I have 'taken remarks the wrong way' or 'out-of-context' or exaggerated what he actually said.

The up-shot is, I either have to leave him or accept the part I have played in our appalling marriage and try to move on together. How can I forget the words that ring in my ears and the ugly picture of myself I see when I look at myself through his eyes?

I recognise what you're saying about control - my DH only enjoys holidays if he's chosen the location and done all the planning. But then he moans about 'having' to do it all! Oh and he never enjoys my choice of film/theatre/exhibition - you name it. I still haven't discovered what to do about this - if anything.

I know Sassy, its so frustrating. We are camping next week and it will actually be my fault if it rains!

If it were left to DH he wouldn't have booked anywhere until he could be sure of perfectly dry weather, so if rain were a possibility he wouldn't book. If it were sunny, there would be no pitches left and we wouldn't be able to go.

I 'made' him book anyway, so whatever happens is now on my head. Deep breath.

Really well done Doing, Fool makes SUCH good points.

Before you go, calmly tell H that if he blames you for anything frankly illogical and ridiculous (like the weather), if he lashes out at you in any way that is disrespectful, next time he will be staying home whilst you and the children go on an adventure. Please note that his hatred of change/lack of routine is very fear based.

Live as though he isn't in your life. Really. It isn't a power game thing, it is stopping the ceding of control. And Fool makes such a good point: if his sports socks are that important for him, then he must get them.

Be alert for the control issues. Ask Fool who is clearly expert on this stuff.

And, don't laugh. Al-anon (FREE) is very very good on learning detachment and boundaries.
Your H is more dependent on you than he realises. He has got a LOT to lose, if he loses you. So he had better pay better attention and it is up to you to state your reality clearly and calmly.

We are now splitting up due to his appalling behaviour while camping.

Obviously the weather didn't help, but the DCs and I tried to make the best of it. H just moaned and glowered and generally let it be known that he was not impressed.

We went to play crazy golf and he decided not to bother (because he doesn't really enjoy playing crazy golf, so he'd rather wait outside for an hour than pay £3.50 extra to join in)

Then when we were waiting to go swimming, he toddled off for half an hour to sort out internet connection for his laptop and then suggested that I could take 3 DCs swimming on my own (2 of them can't actually swim). When I pointed out how unreasonable this was, he changed his story and pretended he hadn't said that at all, that he'd simply asked for a few minutes to sort his stuff out.

Had a big talk last night and he said that he feels angry when he's asked to join in with family stuff, that he doesn't know why he feels that way or why he pretends to have said something different. I told him that I knew exactly why - because he is emotionally abusive and I will not live with an abusive man.

Feel like a weight has been lifted, but we've been here before and he's still here, so I just hope that we both have the guts to go through with it this time.

oh my - just read through your whole thread honey. It's hard work isn't it? Do you know I found myself relating to so much of your posts. I've done the whole 'is he/isn't he' debate with myself endlessly over the 12 months prior to breaking up with my STBXH - is he Aspie? Is he NPD? Is he just a cock?? In some ways I can be grateful that he put an end to it all himself by behaving so clearly in a manner I couldn't accept (affair) that the debate ended, as did the marriage.

If I've learned anything it's this: It doesn't matter why someone treats you like crap and makes you unhappy. If loving you isn't their priority, loving them more isn't going to change that. Moving your personal boundaries so that they haven't really crossed a line (every time they cross the last one you set) only wears you down. And having children in the middle of it makes it all so much worse. When will they start modelling your behaviour, or his? It's exhausting, and unfair to live in that environment - for all of you.

I had lightbulb moments when I read about Aspie traits, but I had them when I read NPD traits too. I've struggled with seeing myself as a victim of EA but the effects on myself are still coming out (6mo post break-up). Ultimately, I don't think the labels help really. They don't change what you've experienced, or make it more likely that your H will change... and while you invest energy in 'understanding' where it went wrong, you are missing the chance to invest energy in yourself and your DC. I've been given v. good advice about building self esteem again. The best way to do it, is to do esteemable things - treat yourself and others well. Behave in ways you look up to in others. Be generous, be grateful, be willing to give and willing to receive. I've taken the advice to heart and as much as possible tried not to focus on the crapstorm that is my STBXH and focus instead on what I can fill up the H-shaped space in my life :) and I've had my hand held by lots of lovely people (yourself included) along the way.

You don't have to second guess yourself, or apologise or change to accommodate him any more. If he feels angry about having a family (I was given that line too, btw) then that is his problem. Either he will go away and realise he has given up something he shouldn't have, or he won't. You don't need to convince him either way. Just enjoy your lovely DC and your lovely family! You are a lovely mum and deserve to enjoy being one. If he wants to be a lovely dad in the future, he can take himself off to counselling, or diagnosis, or whatever it takes to become one all by himself. It's his responsibility my dear, not yours. it'll all come right in the end, you'll see x

(sorry for thread splurge, that was longer than intended!)

Ah thank you Choco, that means so much coming from you as I really respect the way you've dealt with your situation. Welling up just reading "You don't have to second guess yourself, or apologise or change to accommodate him any more. If he feels angry about having a family (I was given that line too, btw) then that is his problem."

I do feel strangely 'light' today and I think its because i no longer have the weight of his opinion on my shoulders. I don't actually care how he feels about the situation or why he is like he is. I know now that I have to focus on myself and the DCs and nothing I can say or do will have any effect on H - he is a law unto himself and will end up lonely and miserable, or at the very least, making someone else feel lonely and miserable. I just know that won't be me anymore, which is both upsetting and a huge relief all at the same time.

or at the very least, making someone else feel lonely and miserable... that, that is what I've managed to start accepting too. And I agree, it IS upsetting but SUCH a relief that is isn't going to be you, or me, anymore!!

BTW, crying is healing. Don't hold back if you feel sad, I thoroughly recommend a good bawl. Preferably in the bath, with wine and chocolate. And a good novel.

Slightly less cathartic in the middle of the night alongside a bawling DC, but nevertheless, if you find yourself bawling then too then know you're in good company!