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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I need keeping calm tips

59 replies

Iactuallydothinkso · 29/05/2012 12:41

My husband is leaving me. He says he is going on Friday. The kids are going away on Friday for the half term to their fathers so I need to just keep calm til then.

Too long to go into but I don't want him to go. He is adamant our marriage is over and it's a waste of time even explaining to me why.

I asked why he didn't leave straightaway and why he is prolonging it til Friday but he doesn't have an answer. The kind part of me thinks it's because he can't tell the kids and needs to avoid doing that.

How do I keep calm til Friday so that I can tell the kids when they get back and not have a screaming row right now and end up burning his clothes?

I need seriously suggestions please. I can't do this in front of the kids. It would be easier and kinder to tell them later.

OP posts:

CailinDana · 29/05/2012 12:46

Your husband is being unbelievably cruel. If he wants to leave he should leave now, and hanging it over your head like this is ridiculous and childish. If I were you I would get a locksmith in, change the locks and throw his clothes out on the street. I don't think I could stay calm to be honest.

Is he planning on just leaving when the children are gone and not saying goodbye?

LapisBlue · 29/05/2012 12:47

Oh my God, what terrible news...do you know why your H. insists why your marriage is over?

I fear I know the answer already and the reasons for his delayed departure until Friday...

If I can give you any advice, it's that to ask, nay demand that he move out IMMEDIATELY (if indeed you can bear it) rather than insult and disrespect you like this. Or...you need to be elsewhere with your children. Is this possible?

At the very least, demand some honest answers from him
x

Original poster

Iactuallydothinkso · 29/05/2012 12:48

Yes I think that's the idea.

Yes, I know what I would be advising someone else to do but I just can't do it myself. I'm going to have to play slug it out and keep quiet til Friday. I love my children so much I can't bear what this is going to do to them.

I don't want to fight in front of them.

OP posts:

Original poster

Iactuallydothinkso · 29/05/2012 12:49

He won't give me honest answers. He won't give me any.

Please tell me why you think he is waiting til Friday if its any different to the reason I think it is?

OP posts:

LapisBlue · 29/05/2012 12:51

I'm so sorry but in my opinion and ONLY in my opinion (I may be wrong) that's when he can escape to someone else (or a pre-planned flat somewhere when the new tenancy starts, as a more hopeful explanation). Please demand some answers.

Original poster

Iactuallydothinkso · 29/05/2012 12:52

I'm not going to get answers.

I just need to keep calm, please.

OP posts:

LapisBlue · 29/05/2012 12:56

OK, here's an idea:

You breathe in through your mouth and stick out your stomach at the same time.

Then you reverse it - breathe OUT and suck IN your stomach.

This is a very good stress reliever and always works for me.

May I say that I'm sending you some hugs over the ether. You are in a panic and this is totally understandable. Please get angry with your OH - don't buckle and just accept this. Hah, easy for the rest of us to say.

Original poster

Iactuallydothinkso · 29/05/2012 12:58

Thank you. There will be time for getting angry later. My kids are too important for me to lose it right now.

I understand what you are saying and of course I want to but I can't. Need time to think about how I can make it easy on them and having a blazing row where I throw him out in front of them will make me the unforgivable bad guy.

I will not let him do this.

Practising my breathing xx

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/05/2012 12:59

There is no calm to keep. He needs to leave straight away or else it's very cruel to everyone concerned. Friday is days away and it's unrealistic to expect to keep a lid on it for his sake. If he can't tell you what's going on and is too cowardly to tell the children then there's no point him staying around. Good luck

Ahhhtetley · 29/05/2012 13:00

So sorry to hear this!

Is he planning on you telling the kids? What difference does it make if you tell them on Friday or today? Surely he's not planning on going without telling them first, wouldn't it be better you both sat down with them and told them together.

He is being really REALLY cruel and if I were in your shoes, I'd tell him to leave now, there are such things as hotels or friends houses he could stay at until his 'plans' for Friday. He's not only being cruel to you, but also your kids, they deserve to hear it from two adults in a calm way.

Look after yourself and your kids, just because he wants to leave on Friday doesn't make it right for you and the kids!

Original poster

Iactuallydothinkso · 29/05/2012 13:01

They are going to their dads on Friday and they will be so sad and upset and their dad won't give a shit and I can't bear that they will want reassurance but I won't be there.

I know it's wrong, I really do.

OP posts:

LapisBlue · 29/05/2012 13:03

Good about the breathing...here's another one: Fast walking - if you can. Walk briskly without stopping for 30-40 mins. Exercise has amazing qualities in terms of the so-called happy hormones and it WILL calm you. Hopefully.

You probably don't feel like doing a Yoga DVD and this may be ridiculously impractical given your circumstances but the calming effects of Yoga and Pilates are amazing.

A good bottle of Chardonnay...a hot bath with candles and smellies...

LapisBlue · 29/05/2012 13:04

Not necessarily at the same time as the Yoga, though...

Original poster

Iactuallydothinkso · 29/05/2012 13:05

Thank you. So much.

Keep calm keep calm keep calm.

And breathe x

OP posts:

CailinDana · 29/05/2012 13:07

Why not write out here exactly what you would like to say to him. Get it out of your head so that you don't say it out loud.

LapisBlue · 29/05/2012 13:10

Again perhaps silly - a comedy DVD or your fave film to watch?

What this isn't addressing is what's happening right here right now and your obvious terrible grief - I think you're one of those people who deal with things in stages, nowt wrong with that. Keep posting. You sound like a really good person. x

akaemmafrost · 29/05/2012 13:17

I would put him out now. I really, really would.

No answers? Really, well here is my answer to that, a foot up the rear and your belongings following swiftly behind.

This must be hell for you, to not even be getting an explanation. My first thought as well is that if your kids are gone when he does this you will be alone and have no comfort anywhere. I don't know about you but when I was unhappily married, I tried never to show it to the dc but drew great comfort from them just being there.

Keep posting and chuck him out!

Original poster

Iactuallydothinkso · 29/05/2012 13:20

Please don't be too nice. I will cry and I won't do that until I am alone for the week.

What do I want to say to him?

Where are you? What happened to you? Where have we gone wrong? What can I do to help fix it?

Actually I said all this and more but he sat there with his feet up sighing at me as if it was too much bother to talk to me.

He doesn't want to tell me. He says it can't be put into boxes and there is no one thing it's everything.

We went to marriage counselling and last night he admitted his heart wasn't in it. I want to know why I'm not good enough and why the children aren't good enough and what the fuck is it he does want? And why we were all good enough when he asked me to marry him and why now does that mean nothing?

My vows are everything to me. I don't want to lose him at all. I accept we can't carry on like we are and have been but I am willing to try more and this is impossible if he doesn't talk to me but he doesn't want to so we can't get anywhere else.

Fuck it's a big fucking mess and I just wish I could run away.

OP posts:

mermaid101 · 29/05/2012 13:22

If you can get a few mins to yourself (in the bathroom or something) look at yourself in the mirror and instruct yourself. Tell yourself "I have to stay calm" and look right in your eyes while you say it. You could also try telling yourself what you mustn't do i.e. "I cannot scream/shout" or whatever it is you don't want to do.

This has worked for me at a time of crisis.

I would also gently suggest that if you can, avoid alcohol.

I wish you courage. It sounds like a terrible situation.

LapisBlue · 29/05/2012 13:24

Pain radiates from your posts. Crying isn't bad - you need to get your grief out. Is there anyone in RL that you can talk to? How old are your children BTW?

Original poster

Iactuallydothinkso · 29/05/2012 13:24

Yes I do need courage. I was a single parent for years with a shit ex and he carried on making my life shit and then I met my dh and I thought it would be ok and it was lovely, it really was and then he turned into a fucking monster too and he is so cold I don't know what the fuck to do.

OP posts:

MarySA · 29/05/2012 13:27

I don't see why you should keep calm but I realise you want to if your children are little and likely to be upset. He's got some answering to do. He's the one whose behaviour is absolutely and totally out of order, unreasonable, and cruel. Not you. But the sad thing is if his heart is not in it, is there a lot you can do? Don't blame yourself. The best to hope for is that he is feeling really unhappy about work, his life and so on. And maybe he can work this out. I agree with people who have said write it all down. It helps.

Original poster

Iactuallydothinkso · 29/05/2012 13:29

I'm going to come back later and read all this again. I am so sad, I started crying so I am going to go upstairs and do it in the bathroom because he will be back soon and I don't want him to see that.

Thank you for being around. I truly appreciate it.

OP posts:

amillionyears · 29/05/2012 13:32

Agree with having preferably someone come to your place to listen and comfort you.
Sorry to hear about your troubles.
In films, people breathe into paper bags,when distressed.Presumably that works in RL.
You need someone to even make you a cup of tea.Any helpful neighbours about?You wouldnt have to tell them anything you didnt want to.

amillionyears · 29/05/2012 13:34

Cross post.didnt know he would be back soon.

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