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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need keeping calm tips

59 replies

Iactuallydothinkso · 29/05/2012 12:41

My husband is leaving me. He says he is going on Friday. The kids are going away on Friday for the half term to their fathers so I need to just keep calm til then.

Too long to go into but I don't want him to go. He is adamant our marriage is over and it's a waste of time even explaining to me why.

I asked why he didn't leave straightaway and why he is prolonging it til Friday but he doesn't have an answer. The kind part of me thinks it's because he can't tell the kids and needs to avoid doing that.

How do I keep calm til Friday so that I can tell the kids when they get back and not have a screaming row right now and end up burning his clothes?

I need seriously suggestions please. I can't do this in front of the kids. It would be easier and kinder to tell them later.

OP posts:
fannyandrews · 29/05/2012 13:39

He wants you to have to explain it to the kids and not him.
If it's his choice then he needs to do it himself. It's crafty!
Or he made other arrangements that won't be ready until friday, in which case you should put his stuff outside today.
I'm sorry for you.
I say don't prolong the agony, the are going to find out either way.

fannyandrews · 29/05/2012 13:39

*they

BestestBrownies · 29/05/2012 13:46

What a class A wanker! I am so Angry on your behalf OP. So he wants to leave you on Friday. He has planned to leave you on Friday, but decides to tell you 3 days in advance, without offering any explanation just so he can watch your reaction??? What kind of prick does that? Will he be expecting you to pack for him as well as tell the children? He sounds like a selfish twat enjoying a power trip. Get him out of the house today. Don't prolong the misery and give him the satisfaction of gloating over your heartbreak. What a total bastard.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation OP. if I were you, I wouldn't tell the children until they come back from their father's and you've had a full week to yourself to digest and come to terms with this, pehaps with a best mate/sister on hand to comfort you.

bringbacksideburns · 29/05/2012 13:47

He can't be bothered to explain why he's going but make sure he sits the children down and talks to them before he leaves - do not let him leave it all to you.

I'd sod Friday - pop the kids round to a friend or relative and tell him he may as well go now. What's so special about Friday?? Tell him He can go and stay somewhere else until then because you can't go on the rest of the week with him.

tallwivglasses · 29/05/2012 13:52

Another one here holding your hand, OP x

LapisBlue · 29/05/2012 14:02

May I give you some advice you didn't ask for?

Don't cook for him
Don't clean up after him
Don't iron any of his shirts
In short, don't do ANYTHING for him - down tools completely.
Disengage

Please do this.

lowestpriority · 29/05/2012 14:03

This screams OW, lovenest not ready till Friday. But why he told you 3 days in advance is bonkers......probably expecting you to pack for him.

MrsGypsy · 29/05/2012 14:06

How awful. Really. How absolutely bloody awful of him. I don't usually post on these threads as I never feel I have much to offer. But I can't quite get my head around him "giving you notice" that he's leaving. Why? Why do that?

I have to agree with the others who think he's going somewhere else - be it rented accommodation, a friend's sofa or an OW's place. He's clearly arranged something.

From other threads, I've seen that when a MNer moves into practical mode and starts to drive the situation, it does take the wind out of the various cheating hurtful bastards' their sails. Can you do that, OP? Can you keep it together and tell him to leave earlier, as you don't think there's any point in him hanging around until Friday? Can you tell him that yes, clearly you both need some space and time to think, and might as well do it now? If necessary, would you be able to change your DC's weekend with their father?

Keep breathing, OP. Control the breathing. A bit of a hand hold from someone (family, a good friend) in RL might be what you need to get through this. Good luck, and we're here to help you through.

Xroads · 29/05/2012 14:12

I would ask someone to watch the children for a few hours then pack his stuff, change the locks and tell the children he has to go on a course for work for a few days.

I couldn't have him there, I'd want to talk about it but the bottom line I suppose is that if his heart isn't in it then what's the point of him staying?

Xroads · 29/05/2012 14:15

I agree that taking charge and control will make you feel better. This is YOUR life as well what right has he got to call the shots?

Get rid of him, have a few days sorting out practical stuff like money, see a solicitor, tell your friends, plan a nice girlie night for Friday night and think about how you want your new life to be if you can. Good Luck!

mayorquimby · 29/05/2012 14:55

Just a dissenting voice against the change the locks/have his stuff outside advice. If it's a family home he has as much legal entitlement to be there as you do (assuming there's no violence etc) and acts such as changing the locks may reflect badly on you in any later proceedings or be viewed as aggravating acts (even in a " no fault" divorce system it still gets some judges backs up).
Also he may simply force re-entry which would just exacerbate things even more.

slug · 29/05/2012 15:27

Well, at least he's given you enough notice to check bank accounts/savings/investments first. Use this time wisely.

dondon33 · 29/05/2012 16:08

So sorry OP :(
I would also want him out now, no way could I stand to see his selfish fucking face for the next 3 days.
Why should you keep yourself in this position, it's not fair especially as he doesn't deem it necessary to provide you with answers and the chance to understand for yourself.
In your place at this moment I would tell DC myself, today or maybe tomorrow. They're going to find out anyway and you're not superhuman to continue allowing this bastard man his own way. He is the cause of this so he should fucking well sit down WITH you and tell them.
Agree with above poster....STOP everything, the cooking,cleaning,washing of clothes etc.. I'd even begrudge him drinking my tap water.
Slug makes a good point - if you're stuck with him til friday - no matter how much emotional turmoil you're going through at this minute, try to think what you need to know about money and other things and get checking/collecting paper work.
Good luck hun xxxx

allaboutthename · 29/05/2012 16:32

What's the background to this? How long have you been together and how long have you been in couples counselling?

The most important thought is that you will get through this, keep saying that to yourself.

amillionyears · 29/05/2012 23:08

Are you ok,op?We havent heard from you since 1.30pm
Hope things are a bit better.

Original poster
Iactuallydothinkso · 30/05/2012 06:47

Hi, yes I'm fine, thank you. Survived last night. We spoke about finances and he says he now can't move until Monday....I told him about friends sofas or spare rooms but he isn't making any arrangements.

I think it's a bit of a fantasy really. But on reflection, I think it would be better if he did go. Nobody can live a half life and if his heart isn't in it then he must leave.

We are worth more than that and we will cope.

Feeling strong today! Xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Iactuallydothinkso · 30/05/2012 06:54

Some of the questions I haven't answered yet.

Kids are 17, 13 and 11. Dh withdrawn for 2 ish years, irresponsible with money, we have big debts. I suspect depression but again, he won't do anything about it even if just to clear that up by talking to the doctor. He's melancholic and moody, unhappy with his life and where he sees himself compared to others.

Me? I'm content with the simple life, wonderful kids, roof over our heads, food in our bellies. This is not enough for him and he wants more all the time. Fair enough, have dreams and aspirations and work towards them but don't get pissed off with anyone on the way because that's what it feels like.

I've mostly been supportive provided what he wants doesn't get in the way of what we need but he doesn't see that.

OP posts:
amillionyears · 30/05/2012 08:36

You sound lovely.
I dont know your back story.
Good luck for the future,and hang on to contentment.it is a valuable thing.

lastexit · 30/05/2012 15:27

keep strong!

But I also agree that your husbands behaviour is very cruel but I think you are doing the right thing by (at least trying) not to make a scene in front of the kids. Steady yourself when you notice you get upset.

My heart goes out to you.

IvanaNap · 30/05/2012 15:33

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn as this poster has privacy concerns.

Original poster
Iactuallydothinkso · 30/05/2012 15:46

Fate took it out of my hands...

A letting agent rang here for him this morning and my 17 year old took the call. I then had to explain it to her. He was at work so I rang him up, told him to man the fuck up and get back here and talk to her. Bastard.

She spent all afternoon trying to get him to change his mind which was hard to hear but she needed to know and from him and not me. She is absolutely wonderful and so insightful and I adore her to pieces.

He told her he had no bond with me, didn't love me and there was nothing she could do about it.

I then said he had no choice now but to go sooner than he wanted so I took her to the garden while he packed up a few things and then he fucked off. She was a bit upset that he didn't say goodbye but I know that was to be expected.

I was calm because of her and I am so proud of her. He can fuck off and stay fucked off. We are worth more, so much more than that. Poor unhappy man can go and be poor unhappy man somewhere else.

You have all been tremendous to me yesterday and today and I thank you. The hardest parts are probably still to come with finances and a probably house move but today, I can begin the rest of our lives.

OP posts:
LapisBlue · 30/05/2012 15:49

Well done. You and your lovely daughter are superstars.

For your H. to tell those cruel, cold things to your DD was horrible and she will remember it for a long long time so I expect and hope that you're holed up on the sofa having a cuddle x

Babylon1 · 30/05/2012 16:00

You sound like a very strong woman OP and your DD sounds fantastic - at 17 she will hopefully be a great support to you.

Start the first day of the rest of your life as you mean to go on and burn the rest of the bastards stuff on the big BBQ you have tonight to celebrate his leaving be a positive role model for your DCs and mice forward with you'd head held high. Grin

Babylon1 · 30/05/2012 16:01

Mice forward??? WTAF???

Move forward - obviously Blush

Flimflammery · 30/05/2012 16:13

What an utterly pathetic coward he is for leaving without saying goodbye to your DD. You are so much better off without him.