My heart is aching for a man I can't have.

[SecretPirate]

I am prepared to get some grief for this, but I can't be the only person who has ever been through this, surely?

I have become very close friends with a male work colleague. We talk a lot and over the last few months our relationship has got 'inappropriately close', I suppose.

We are both married with children, and we both thought we were quite happy in our marriages.

However, a few weeks ago we ended up kissing and this had changed everything for me. I think I have fallen in love with him and am now, all of a sudden, asking myself big questions of my marriage.

He has said that he doesn't regret what happened at all, but that the thought of hurting his family is unbearable and so it can't happen again.

I have a lot of respect for this decision, but he wants to stay close friends and I really struggling with this.

We can never be together, but the way I feel is destroying my marriage anyway.

Agree with morloth. Been there done that

"I have had a long chat with OM tonight. He holds me close, he looks me straight in the eyes, he tells me I'm beautiful and that he misses not being with me. And then he says, "but I can't do this to my family", and walks away.

Does it sound ridiculous if I say that the respect that I have for him being able to do that just makes me want him more? He is a lovely, decent man and if we'd met years earlier I think this would be a very different story."

Wow, you are seriously gullible.

Of course his bullshit "self-denial" makes you want him more - it's calculated to do just that.

A truly decent man would not be pulling all these romantic gestures with you while pretending he's a good guy in turmoil, torn between two lovers.

A decent man would have enough loyalty to his wife and family not to be meeting up with some love-struck eejit from work, having pointless heart-to-hearts about a matter that is already settled, telling her she is beautiful and that it is only heroic self-sacrifice on his part that is keeping him in his marriage.

It's so dishonest - a good guy would not be meeting up with you, would not be playing the martyr, would be concentrating on his family.

He is enjoying the hero role (and probably hoping that it will convince you to settle for bit-on-the-side status - then if it ever comes to light he can tell his wife that it was just sex and you always knew he would never leave)

You are being played like a toy harmonica (cheap, tacky) and you are allowing this bullshit to destroy your family.

What Morloth said. Exactly. Been there myself, was nearly found out which completely bought me down to earth. Hindsight is a great thing but I now know that he wasn't honourable at all, he wanted his cake and to eat it. I feel a fool that I even had those thoughts and thank my lucky stars that I walked away. He is manipulating you and you are falling for it. Classic stuff. Be better than that.

Good point, habbibu

Really? They all do this? Is it that common?

I am trying really hard not to be a gullible fool, but he's not really 'having his cake and eating it' because we are not actually doing anything IYSWIM?

He's been married 14 years and I am pretty certain that he's never done anything like this before.

He isn't honourable.

He's convincing himself, justifying it to himself: "I tried to stop myself from sleeping with OW (because I am a good man), but it was just too big, too special between us, to deny ourselves the natural progression for two beautiful people with feelings for each other.".

You are drifting into an affair, and if you both didn't really want to do so, you wouldn't be meeting at all since you kissed each other.

Be honest with yourself about what is going on. Think very hard, and yes, you might have to use your head rather than your heart (or other body parts) right now, even if you find that difficult. When families are involved, you really can't be led by frivolous teenagery emotions. It isn't fair.

"He is a lovely, decent man"

No, he is a wanker. What sort of kind decent man tells you he misses being with you blah blah blah and then walks off. If he was lovely ad decent he wold stay the fuck away.

If you now see problems with your marriage address them with your DH. don't screw everything up beyond repair.

Yep it is common. Sorry. It feels like its so genuine, that this is for real, that he means everything he says. It's not. Mine told me he loved me more than anyone he had ever loved. I let myself ruin my marriage because I thought if I let him go I'd be making a huge mistake because we were 'soulmates'. The mistake was doing anything in the first place. He told me he couldn't be with me because he knew I wanted kids and couldn't bring any more into the family as it wasn't fair on his kids. Three weeks later he had a new girlfriend whose kids are already calling him daddy. I've let myself be completely used without even realising - he didn't want me, he just wanted someone to fill the gap because he was lonely. I should just have concentrated on my DH who is undoubtedly and by far the better man. Please don't do it!!!

Well duh they all do it.

If he said 'Hey SecretPirate you are hot, howsabout a bit of a shag on an ongoing basis, no one needs to know...' you would have anything to do with him?

Oh he hasn't done anything like this in 14 years? As if.

I would look at the whole family rather than just your feelings. Although obviously they are important

This doesn't just involve you & your heart but the lives of TWO families. Two lots of kids, him, you, your husband and HIS WIFE.

the fact he says he doesn't regret it but doesn't want to hurt his family makes me think that he has had his thrill and kick and he doesn't want any more.

Cut contact. Ignore him. Don't engage with him on any thing other than a professional manner required by your Job and walk away in your mind.

Trust me. The grass is not greener.

It definitely would be a different story, you would be the one at home looking after his kids while he says the same stuff to someone else.

You don't have the luxury of this stuff. You just don't.

This is teenage stuff, the feeeelings and the kisses and the holding and the looking deep into each other's eyes and the walking away. All of which is fine.

When you are a grown up, it is just pathetic and cruel. You didn't have to have children, but you did. You choose to have them and you owe them.

Don't be stupid.

You are weak. He is a manipulative shit.

The irony is that you see this as romantic. That yearning and feeling and intensity you're clinging onto isn't remotely real you know? It's the projection of a million feelings we all have to some extent. Occasional loneliness, boredom, dissatisfaction, idle ponderings, fatigue etc, all packaged up together and projected onto a 'relationship' which doesn't actually exist.

Lovely, honest, decent men do not take women into their arms and call them beautiful and then walk back to their wives and children. If this to you is a lovely, decent, honest man then you accept this as part of him. So your marriage ends, you marry this chap instead. It's perfectly okay for him to take other women into his arms and adore them. As long as he stops himself before taking it further. How lovely. How decent. How honest.

And if right now you're thinking but oh no that wouldn't happen because he loves meeeeeee, it's meeeeeee he wants. Bollocks.

You won't want to believe this, this stuff we're telling you. If you went to him and said oh I'm so concerned, I'm being told this is what a manipulative , weak shit would do, that you're making all of this up, he'd posture and protest. He'd get angry at the very idea you could believe he could do this, he'd finally put his arms around you and tell you he hates himself, hates feeling this way but can't help it and what he hates the most is that you could think this of him too . Bollocks. Honestly, it's all big fat hairy bollocks.

It's pretty normal to fancy other people if you're married/committed - it happens, you think about them for a bit and you get on with real life.

I think you're taking this so terribly seriously because you've NOT looked at another man for so long. So it feels special (especially as this man is feeding you rubbishy lines which you're lapping up). But it's not, it's normal, it's a phase, it'll pass.

Go and have a nice evening with your husband and kids and put this man back into the passing fantasy box he belongs in.

As someone who was in the same position as you three years ago, and let it go further i would say to you turn away now while you can, all that awaits you is heart break , the highs of an affair are just not worth the lows. I know the feelings you are going through and the wanting and longing for this man, but stop and think this can lead no where,you will only ever have secret meetings that will leave you sad at the end and yearning for more. I imagine if his wife ever found out his only priority would be her, so do not take this any further, don't look back in 2/3 years and say I wish I hadn't had that affair.

I think it's also worth pointing out that both you and this 'wonderful man' have been unfaithful to your partners.

You have cheated and betrayed your husband. You still are betraying him and being hugely selfish, for your own kicks. Does it feel good? It probably doesn't fit in very well with your cherry picking and fantasy images in your head though, does it?

You are a mother and a wife, you need to grow up and pull yourself together quite frankly.

Can I just say that the OM and OP have equal share in what crime has been committed. Some of the posts seem to hint otherwise or is it just my reading?

he still has skiddies in his pants you know

Jimmy Goldsmith said something like "when you marry your mistress you create a vacancy"......he should know. .

Not judging you just saying grass always greener.....

lol @ 'crime' the OP has 'committed'. It's just a bit of fantasy.

OP, I've been where you are. We were very close for two years but never had full sex because of his family, & eventually I left the job & moved on.

It took me a very long time to get over the 'What if?' feeling. If we'd both been free, well, things may have been different. But we weren't.

The downside is that 20 years on I never think about the OM in the daytime but he does still, occasionally, appear in my dreams, like a Prince Charming who will sweep me away from all the mundanities of my life, or like a guilty secret that I know doesn't belong in my life. The upside is complicated, but basically you were happy with DH before and this guy has thrown a spanner in the works. It's unreal, that is, it's unworkable in real life. You must work on your real life.

Going cold turkey will be diffucult but not as painful as the alternative. I belive that the 'in love' feelings will wear off eventually, but in the meantime, take your mind off him somehow & concentrate on what you already have.

XX

OP, I just want to say something about something you mentioned earlier:

"this 'relationship' has suddenly opened my eyes to all the problems in my marriage which I have ignored for years."

You should think very carefully about these problems- are these real genuine issues that need to be dealt with, or are they nitpickings that have allowed you to detach from your husband as you are drawn to this other man? If they are serious enough to have you considering the future of your relationship then why have you ignored them up until now?

I'm afraid you have to deal with the fact that if there are problems with your marriage and things you want to change then you need to accept some of the blame for never mentioning them or trying to work through them. If you never spoke to your husband about these problems then it's unsurprising they've gone on for so long.

You can work on your marriage. But I will say I think it's incredibly unfair that you have this affair and can suddenly think of all these things your husband does wrong and need to change. It seems wrong that someone would have to listen to all of the things you aren't happy with, oblivious to the fact that you have been having a turbulent time with another man. I'm not saying you have to tell him, that's up to you, but I think you should work on your part in any marital problems you have first, rather then expecting your husband to accommodate your dissatisfaction immediately.

I don't know, others may disagree. But the whole "not liking what I see" comment in relation to your husband made me sad. Look at what you can do differently and put some effort into changing your marriage if you think it has issues, and try to work on that rather than just picking out your husband's flaws- make it a productive thing rather than something negative. If my partner told me all of the things you'd said about him and I then found out that it was provoked by an affair I would be devastated and furious beyond words and would find it hard to see why I should be the one to change and appease.

He's just been in touch, again

He says that our friendship means a lot to him and that he hopes we can still have that.

It's soil hard, because that's how all this started. We were close friends for 5 years before there was any hint of us crossing the line. There was definitely no instant sexual attraction when we first met. This is something that has grown very slowly over time.

The thought of having to lose my friend now is heart breaking.

Also: I know you haven't said that you expect your husband to jump up and change and everything else, so I'm sorry if I'm making assumptions in that respect- but I just wanted to give you another perspective on how these "relationships" damage how someone views their partner and marriage and how it tends to highlight every possible negative in a destructive way.