My heart is aching for a man I can't have.

[SecretPirate]

I am prepared to get some grief for this, but I can't be the only person who has ever been through this, surely?

I have become very close friends with a male work colleague. We talk a lot and over the last few months our relationship has got 'inappropriately close', I suppose.

We are both married with children, and we both thought we were quite happy in our marriages.

However, a few weeks ago we ended up kissing and this had changed everything for me. I think I have fallen in love with him and am now, all of a sudden, asking myself big questions of my marriage.

He has said that he doesn't regret what happened at all, but that the thought of hurting his family is unbearable and so it can't happen again.

I have a lot of respect for this decision, but he wants to stay close friends and I really struggling with this.

We can never be together, but the way I feel is destroying my marriage anyway.

my husband was happy at home until he started texting his best friends wife 100 times a day and emailing her. Then he decided that he was unhappy at home and had been for years. A bit of flirty comfort from her and he was gone. He tells me that he no longer loves me. He is now living with this best friend and the wife........ and they are still texting each other.......

you have to be aware where your actions are going to lead you. If my husband had told me he was feeling unhappy we could have talked, but he just walked out and decided that the marriage was over, all on his own, because of all this contact with her.

My DH had a work affair.
This is what he says now.
It was flattering and a huge chemical rush - like feeling alive again.
It made him magnify things that irritated him about me and the kids a millionfold so that he could justify his behaviour to himself.
Now he's burst the affair bubble and got a grip and he is horrified by what he did - not just the physical stuff - but the way he made us into monsters in his head.

From my point of view, it would be better to end the marriage before having a relationship with someone else if you really are unhappy with your husband. Otherwise, you are risking blowing a powerful 'teenage crush' up out of all proportion and causing more devastation than you can possibly imagine.

Read 'Not Just Friends' by Shirley Glass for the sake of your family AND YOURSELF. Then if you work on your marriage and can't sort it out, leave FOR YOURSELF.

If you refuse to cut contact with this man and continue walking down this path, you will end up doing something you will regret for the rest of your life. That's regardless of whether there's a (highly unlikely) happy ending or not. And I'm afraid that in the male dominated society we live in, YOU will end up paying a far heavier price than him for your error.

Don't do it. Step back while you still can. ONE MORE kissing interlude, and you will end up sleeping with this man. It's a chemical process. One that must be fully consummated before it dies down. So stop it now.

My husband has recently left me as a result of an affair. You are welcome to come and visit me and see the devastation this has caused for all of us, and especially my two young children. My husband is now suffering too as he has realised the grass isn't greener but it is too late to turn the clock backwards. My children cry every night for him. He sees them Once a week for six hours. How sad is that. Please think again.

You felt like this at the start of your relationship with your H. In however many years your relationship with this new man if you went that route would be almost identical to what you have now in my opinion.

The differences would be that your children would be split between two households, you would have his children sometimes, maybe step-children either or both ways causing grief, your finances would be split, exs would always be in your relationship due to the children.

You would also always have that little knowledge that he was happy to get close to a work colleague, kiss OW behind his wife's back so what is to stop him doing that again, and again...

Step away from this man and either fix or end your current relationship before embarking on another.

Actually, having thought about this, I'd advise you to tell your husband what has already happened.

When my DH was away with work, a work colleague from that office abroad chatted him up all evening then asked him if he wanted to have sex with her. He turned her down. BUT he didn't tell me about the incident and this was the crucial thing because it gave him the opportunity to fantasise about her and twist us into monsters in his own head. This enabled him to justify taking the initiative when he next went away.

If he had told me about the first incident, this might have been the wake up call we needed.

You need to burst your fantasy bubble by telling your husband.

Also, you HAVE kissed another man. That is actually cheating in a way and honesty is the bedrock of a good marriage.

I doubt you really know this man, especially if you haven't shared feelings with him. One problem with affairs is that the other person appears wonderful even if you think you know that he's not perfect. It's likely that you are assuming his is like your husband (the good qualities that you value) plus lots more. The reality is that he won't be in some areas as good as your husband.

OP - six months ago I could have written your post. I was exactly the same. Always happy with DH, felt like he was The One - then I got too close to a (single) friend and it all went wrong. I recommend the opposite of what newby2 said further up - DO NOT tell OM!! I did, he reciprocated, and we ended up having an affair. We fell for him utterly and I spent the next few months agonising over whether to leave my husband. I told him four times I wouldn't, each time he convinced me (and I let myself be convinced) not to end things with him, then finally I decided I would leave but it was too late and he'd found someone else (incidentally lying to me about that).

I'm now left with issues in my marriage that I have either created or magnified - cant work out which - DH prepared to forgive but I don't know if I want to carry on with him, and OM moved on in a matter of a fortnight which hurts like hell and I've lost him as a close friend. It is NOT worth it!! If we'd not had that conversation we could still have been friends and the 'crush' feelings would probably have died away, and I wouldn't be unsure about my marriage. I don't have kids but that would have been even worse.

I repeat - it is not worth it!! I am hurting so much over this. Please learn from my mistake.

Sorry - should have been 'we fell for each other', not 'we fell for him'! Obviously!

I've been with my dp for eleven years and have had a few crushes over the years. The only thing that helped was talking to my dp about it. I know some people might disagree with this. But for some reason my dp is very understanding and we talk a lot and over any problems that there are. When I was first in a difficult situation I was terrified that my dp would split up with me but he didn't. I don't know whether it's my personality but I seem to find a lot of people attractive. Luckily I had a lot of boyfriends before dp so I dont feel like I'm missing out too much. When I think back over my crushes while with dp they seem insignificant.
So my advice is to talk to your husband. Dont necessarily tell him what's happened. As the situation was different when I did - we weren't married and didn't have children. But you definiately need to talk to him and get close again. He may have fancied other people. I think it's quite natural. But you don't have to act on it.

I haven't read the other replies, but FFS stop acting like a teenager.

Grow up, think of all the other people involved here and remember your wedding vows. Did you mean them when you took them? How do you feel about breaking them.

Just imagine OP, the clammy feeling of fear and aloneness if your husband were to leave you and take your kids with him.

Get your wedding photos out, remember all the good things about your husband. See this frisson as a way of making you feel attractive but leave it as that. Stop contact with the new man until your crush subsides and u can control yourself. I'm still friends with some of my crushes. Though only up to a level that I feel comfortable with. They mostly have partners now which helps. Nothing wrong with being attracted to people but leave it at that.

OP as the child of divorced parents, I'd actually have slightly different advice to most people on here.

Don't pursue the OM any further, even if you think he might react differently if he knew you had strong feelings. He has drawn his line in the sand - don't tempt him - it's really dishonourable.

However if you genuinely think there are problems in your marriage, that is worth thinking about. For all the people saying 'my kids cry every night for their dad' - well, my mum wasted 20 years in an unhappy marriage for 'the children's sake'.

Do you know how shit that will make your children feel later? When I realise she put up with years of emotional abuse and even being cheated on because she thought it was best for her children?

If there are real problems in your marriage, divorce will upset your children now but not necessarily long term. But if this is just wanderlust, then leave it be.

Why not cut OM out - decide within yourself to work honestly on your marriage for 6 mos - and then see how you feel? If you are still unsure, it is time enough then to think about leaving DH.

Revolting peasant.

You are right no one should stay in an unhappy marriage. However instead of having an affair and all the deceit that involves why not just speak to your DP and have the balls to end the marriage then go and meet someone. Instead having an affair is such a cowards approach and leaves such a mess. We all understand that not all marriages are not mesnt to last for ever but have the guts to end the marriage with respect and dignity.

But that's the point. Ops marriage wasn't horrible or miserable, this wasn't an exit crush/affair.

Suprise, suprise all the problems have come since OM come on the scene. It's classic cheaters behaviour nothing to see here. It justifies their behaviour in already happy marriage. Bananas post sums it up perfectly.

I was in precisely this situation. It started with a kiss. Five months later still in an affair. It is not good. My head is all over the place. I need to stop. It will be hard but don't go down the path i have.

I was in some situation like this about 5 years ago. I don't know how much damage it has done. Probably more than I'd admit.

Just like you, I felt like I needed someone different, that I had different needs than I had 10 years earlier when I first met my H. 5 years ago I met someone amazing. Like you, mine didn't develop into an affair (only a kiss but I stopped it there.). He met someone soon after and got into a long term relationship. I have become friends with her and seen some pretty horrendous behaviour. The warning signs were clear from the start; I was giddy with emotion, but I had a feeling that something wouldn't quite work. Moving from one person to another, and ruining a marriage (or two) in the process, isn't worth it. No one is going to be perfect. And it sounds like your guy has backed off from an affair anyway. I backed away yet over the last 5 years this friend has been in my life in various ways. As a friend.

BUT I totally understand how you feel. I read this thread with fascination and understanding. I wish I could switch off my feelings, too. You can't just 'grow up' and switch feelings off. But what you can do is distance yourself from OM, don't give in to an affair, don't do something you will regret. Work on your marriage, and think about your children. I am very glad I did not give in to my feelings, even if some of those feelings still surface now. Feeling "in love" and the practicalities of life are two very different things. Once you have marriage and children you can't just run off and follow your feelings.

So grateful to those of you have shared your experiences here.

So much sensible advice which I am really trying hard to follow.

I have had a long chat with OM tonight. He holds me close, he looks me straight in the eyes, he tells me I'm beautiful and that he misses not being with me. And then he says, "but I can't do this to my family", and walks away.

Does it sound ridiculous if I say that the respect that I have for him being able to do that just makes me want him more? He is a lovely, decent man and if we'd met years earlier I think this would be a very different story.

On top of all that, this situation is ruining my marriage without us even having an affair. My feelings for my husband have died completely and I think actually that fact makes me more sad than the rejection from OM.

How can I even begin to heal this mess?

The OM is not a good man imo. He kissed you, told you he couldn't be with you, nut want to stay friends. So he wants you to keep his ego satisfied, but just keep you on the side lines.
This has not highlighted the problems in you marriage. You are using it to justify having an emotional affair. Tbh (I am going to sound harsh) your excitment is not a priority over your dh and kids. You want out? Leave. Cut ties with the OM and leave. Don't leave hoping the OM will follow, he won't. Leave because its what you want to do. Or be honest with dh about the kiss and ask him to go to couples counselling and be honest about these problems.
Take the OM out of the equation, he does not want to be with you.

God, what a prick, he has fucked you over really well hasn't he?

All this mopey shit with the loving eyes and then being too honourable.

What a crock.

He wants to shag you but make sure you feel shit about it.

If he was a good man, he would go home to the woman he made promises to and the children he created within those promises and talk to her about the fact that he isn't very happy in their marriage and see what can be done to either get happy or split up like real adults do.

Why do women fall for the same bullshit again and again and again? I mean you would think the internet would actually have helped with this wouldn't you? People share the same story multiple times.

There is nothing dashing or romantic or honourable here OP. It is the same sordid story it always is.

Nothing was wrong with your marriage. And all of a sudden....
Please think about the children. It is normal for long term relationships to go through difficult patches, don't give up and remember all the good things about your husband. Please.

Do you have children?

If your DH was talking like that to another woman, would you still think it was honourable?

What Morloth said.

OP open your eyes quicksmart.