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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

TO EXPECT HIM TO LET HIMSELF IN?

61 replies

theQuibbler · 25/05/2012 23:15

There is, as usual, a ton of background to this, but I'm going to skip it to try and keep it succinct.

DH now has a job that means he gets home around 12.30/1 am, 2 or 3 times a week. Sometimes I am up, sometimes I am not. He, usually, refuses to take his keys so that he can let himself in. Or asks in a very sulky manner whether " I will be up to let him in."

He seems to equate me being up to let him in as an indicator of how much I care about him.

Would you:

stay up?
stay up to let him in and then go straight to bed?
tell him to take his keys

It feels as though this has become a power struggle between us. We have a 5 yr old and an 10 month old. The baby and the child have both been known to stir and then fully wake up as he comes home, because he insists on speaking at full voice/volume and bothering them till they engage with him. At this point, he usually decides to hand them back to me.

OP posts:

GiantPuffball · 25/05/2012 23:18

He sounds like an arse to me.

GurlwiththeFrothyCurl · 25/05/2012 23:20

Totally thoughtless and rude, IMHO

blackcurrants · 25/05/2012 23:21

I would
(1) be asleep
(1) with the door on the latch if he's lucky
and (1) not tolerate him waking the children, or if he did, make sure he resettled them.

But then, my H isn't a selfish tosspot.

Sorry.

jetstar · 25/05/2012 23:21

He should take his keys, let himself in and be reasonably quiet about it. Has he not much consideration for others on the whole?

anastaisia · 25/05/2012 23:21

That would really really annoy me. I'd tell him to take his keys, like most adults do when they leave the house for work.

If he kept insisting on waking us all up or not taking his keys I think I'd go out and sleep at a friend's with the kids. If I was feeling kind I might leave a sleeping bag on the doorstep for him.

Surely there's no good reason to choose not to take his keys and force you to wait up for him regardless of how your own day has been/how tired you might be.

BigHairyFlowers · 25/05/2012 23:23

Let him sleep outside, he might take his keys next time.

edam · 25/05/2012 23:24

What the fuck is he playing at? This isn't just being an inconsiderate arse, this is quite deliberate nastiness. Refusing to take his keys, waking sleeping children, let alone demanding you obey his summons... is he very angry about having to do a job that means he is late back? (Even if he is, no excuse for taking it out on you all in this way.)

HoneyDragonWearingLederhosen · 25/05/2012 23:26

Blimy, when I worked nights and lates I always used the back door so as not to disturb dh or dc. If they stirred I'd sort them as I was already awake.

Equally

Dh leaves a stupid oclock most mornings for work and is always quiet and would never expect me to get up.

Does your dh expect you to somehow acknowledge that he is working late? Does he resent it?

Springforward · 25/05/2012 23:26

That's just barking. Tell him to take his keys, end of conversation.

One of you needs to be up with the DCs in the morning, no point you both being tired, surely.

anonacfr · 25/05/2012 23:28

He actually deliberately bothers and wakes his children up at 1 in the morning and then gives them back to you?

Passive aggressive prick.

Ask him how he'd like it if you dumped the children on him at 6 in the morning and went back to bed.

Original poster

theQuibbler · 25/05/2012 23:28

Well, this is all good to know. I wasn't sure if I was being inconsiderate but I don't think I am. We are going to have to really talk about this and find out what's going on. Because I'll bet right now, it's not rly about having to take his keys.

OP posts:

nurseneedshelp · 25/05/2012 23:28

Control freak?
His behaviour disgusts me, sounds as though he has no regard for you or your poor children!

He should be sneaking in so that he doesn't wake any of you??!!

solidgoldbrass · 25/05/2012 23:29

This is very dodgy behaviour and suggests he not only thinks the household should revolve around him, but that he is determined to force the rest of you to prioritize him above everything else. Most people who work shifts or antisocial hours do their best to minimize the impact on the rest of the household - OK, so the nightshift worker might ask other family members to be quiet for part of the day so that s/he can sleep, but that's something that can be adapted to. This man coming home late and insisting on disturbing everyone else is a bit sinister, TBH.
Have a think, OP: has he always expected to be the most important person, and to get his own way? If not, what's changed?

TheHappyHissy · 25/05/2012 23:30

My Ex used to do this. Actually just the door thing.

My son sleeps through anything, impossible to wake him.

Your H is deliberately waking them up and then passing them to you?

He really resents you not working when he is doesn't he? What a truly cruel and vile man.

My ex was abusive. I'm guessing this crappy behaviour you describe is the tip of the iceberg isn't it?

You tell him that if he wakes the DC again, then you WILL Lock him out.

Seriously, don't take this shit!

oikopolis · 25/05/2012 23:34

very shitty behaviour on the part of your DH OP. very immature and self-centred.

Original poster

theQuibbler · 25/05/2012 23:39

Hmm. He used to have a "normal" job with "normal" hours, but he screwed up and so had to leave. I really think he's doing this because he feels somewhat emasculated (this job is very different to what he is used to) and so wants to feel like the big man by making me stay up to let him in. We're on quite thin ice as it is. If he's playing around like this, well. It's not a good step.

OP posts:

BustersOfDoom · 25/05/2012 23:47

This is very strange and unpleasant behaviour. Apart from totally disrespecting you has it not occurred to him that by knocking on your door at that time he is no doubt disturbing your neighbours as well? Our street is so quiet at that time of night that we can hear the neighbours walking up the street talking and letting themselves in. Knocking at that time would drive me demented when I'm trying to sleep.

If he were my 'D' H I'd tell to either take his keys and let himself in quietly or sleep in the garden. And I would let him knock and knock until the neighbours told him to fuck off and still not let him in. Who the fuck does he think he is to expect his wife to wait up for him and then to wake up young DC? As others have said though I suspect there is more to this.

BustersOfDoom · 25/05/2012 23:50

Tough shit for him OP. I think you have to tell him firmly and clearly that if he wants access to the house after work then he must have keys and that you will not be staying up to let him in. Ever.

But that is only one battle. I don't doubt the next will be you having to deal with him making noise and waking up the DC after he has let himself in.

FetchezLaVache · 25/05/2012 23:53

If he could be told in no uncertain terms prevailed upon to take his keys, then there wouldn't be anyone around for him to talk to when he got home, so less chance of waking the DCs, yes?

Agree it's not a good step. Also agree that he sounds like an arse. My DH works similar hours and he has never once woken DS upon his return.

AfternoonDelight · 25/05/2012 23:57

Sometimes when I finished at 12:30-1am DP would be awake, especially if DD wouldn't settle (I went back to work at 8 weeks). If I finished at 2am, 4am, or 6am, I'd be letting myself in as quietly as possible, and if the DCs woke up, it was my responsibility to settle them. If DS woke up when I came in at 6, DP got a lie in because I'd stay up and sort breakfast for him etc. I just thought that was what everyone did!

Your DH is being completely unreasonable - if you wouldn't normally be up at that hour then you shouldn't be. Or can he not work the lock on the door? FFS.

solidgoldbrass · 26/05/2012 01:00

I knew there would already be problems OP. You say he 'screwed up' at his last job; was this a case of making a mistake, or not being up to the work he was given? Or was it a matter of behaving in a selfish or bullying manner? Because, basically, this sort of 'Look at MEEEEE! Everyone pay attention and indulge my whims or I will make your life hell' behaviour doesn't spring out of nowhere.

foolonthehill · 26/05/2012 01:05

Grown ups take their keys out with them and let themselves in
Grown-ups put the needs of their families at least on a par with themselves,
grown-ups take responsibility for themselves.

I am assuming that other things he does are equally shoddy??

A serious talk is needed. The way he reacts will tell you lots about the way forward.

lottiegb · 26/05/2012 01:16

Really weird and waking children up in the night is bizarre, disruptive and just not parent-like behaviour.

Devendra · 26/05/2012 05:57

Sounds like a complete selfish prick! My ex used to insist I made him a packed lunch in a similar power struggle. If I didnt he would bang and crash around the kitchen at 5am making one and leave a mess.

LST · 26/05/2012 06:16

He should take his keys.
You and your children should be asleep and remains asleep when he gets in!

What an selfish arse OP. sorry!

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