TO EXPECT HIM TO LET HIMSELF IN?

[theQuibbler]

There is, as usual, a ton of background to this, but I'm going to skip it to try and keep it succinct.

DH now has a job that means he gets home around 12.30/1 am, 2 or 3 times a week. Sometimes I am up, sometimes I am not. He, usually, refuses to take his keys so that he can let himself in. Or asks in a very sulky manner whether " I will be up to let him in."

He seems to equate me being up to let him in as an indicator of how much I care about him.

Would you:

• stay up?
• stay up to let him in and then go straight to bed?
• tell him to take his keys

It feels as though this has become a power struggle between us. We have a 5 yr old and an 10 month old. The baby and the child have both been known to stir and then fully wake up as he comes home, because he insists on speaking at full voice/volume and bothering them till they engage with him. At this point, he usually decides to hand them back to me.

For the love of all things holy - who the hell does he think he is??

I think the end of the road has been reached don't you?

For reference: DS is nearly 2 and has been sick this week, waking a lot in the night. I have a nasty tummy bug and am 9 weeks pg so feeling awful.

DH went out with some friends last night, as he does most Fridays, by standing arrangement. He came in around 11, put the dishwasher on, walked the dog, and came into bed all without waking me or DS (I'd been in bed since 8.30!). Because he's lovely, sure, but also because he understands that it's bloody rude to wake people who are tired and getting sleep they need. So he's quiet, considerate, thoughtful. All the things a partner (not another dependent, but a partner!) should be.

Also, he doesn't wake me cos god in heaven I'd kick off if he did!

Who does this man think he is, messing with your family's rest for the sake of his ego? It beggars belief!

Actually, VerityVictrix, I'm the major earner in the family - gasp! Does that make me the breadwinner? If so, shouldn't he, by your logic, be respecting my wishes?

I think a big, honest talk is in order to get to the root of this business. You are all quite right of course; he is being an arse and that's an end to it. But I'm not quite ready to throw the towel and split up the family just yet. I'm hoping that some straight talking and some honesty (from both of us, God knows I've got my own bad habits as well) might work out some of the kinks.

At least, the reactions here have shown me that this is not to be glossed over and trivialised, so thank you all for that.

This isn't a bad habit, OP. This is disrespectful behaviour and a huge sense of entitlement.

Does he drive? If so, aren't his house keys with his car keys?

But do your bad habits cause your children and the twat head sleep deprivation and upset?

Hi the Q,

re your comment:-
"You are all quite right of course; he is being an arse and that's an end to it. But I'm not quite ready to throw the towel and split up the family just yet. I'm hoping that some straight talking and some honesty (from both of us, God knows I've got my own bad habits as well) might work out some of the kinks".

Bad move. You again need to reel in your white knight/rescuer tendencies here because this is now coming to the forefront.

A big honest talk is unlikely to work or make lasting changes as he thinks he is doing nothing wrong in the first place. He is already splitting up the family by his actions and is basically not interested in your opinion. I know you do not want to admit defeat here but unless he wants to put the work in, you are flogging a dead horse. Being in this situation just gives him more of an opportunity to act like an arse for even longer with yet further battering of your self worth as a result.

"He seems to equate me being up to let him in as an indicator of how much I care about him. "

It seems like he feels really hard done by in having to work so late so he wants a welcome from the whole family.

Actually I can understand that but he needs to be told that it just isn't going to happen.

Hopefully you can make it plain without causing massive ructions.

My DH often forgets his keys. Once he was taking the children out to his Mums and said casually "Oh I can't find my keys - you'll be here to let me in though won't you?" I said "Well no I might want to go out, I suggest you look for them." He was quite cross but I stood my ground - what's the point of him taking the DCs out to give me a break and then tying me to being in when he got back? Well the point could have been to know that I was there waiting, which is how it felt - but actually my DH is just disorganised and can't be bothered to look for his keys.

It seems like he feels really hard done by in having to work so late so he wants a welcome from the whole family

Actually I'd argue it's more like: if he's got to slog through a late shift and be awake in the middle of the night, so has everyone else. Even the kids! Crazy.

I agree with Attila- a good, honest, grown up talk isn't going to make a difference.
It will probably give him some good pointers about things that really do get to you though.

My DH once tried to act the big man in front of his mates by being very rude to me and quite belittling. When he left with them I told him that when he got back the door would be locked so he shouldn't even bother with the journey.
When he came back the door was locked and he had a long, cold night to work on his apology. It never happened again because he saw how wrong his behaviour was (not that my retaliation was stellar I admit that).
I think we all have a tendency to behave as badly as we are able to get away with sometimes, I know I am certainly not flawless in this regard. The difference is most people realise when they have been guilty of a lack of respect or are being selfish or self-centred - or the spouse makes them realise they have crossed a line in the sand. With people that are abusive they don't recognise the power/control behaviours are anything more than a tool to get them what they want, because it's them that matters not anyone else.

There is, as usual, a ton of background to this, but I'm going to skip it to try and keep it succinct

We're on quite thin ice as it is. If he's playing around like this, well. It's not a good step

What do you get out of this relationship now? That's a very good question and one I am not sure how to answer it at the moment. Not much, to be honest

He's always liked to 'live in the sun', as I call it. He's very insecure underneath his confident, charming exterior. I admit that I have white knight tendencies - I have to rein in my desire to rescue and smooth over everything. It was a good enough fit when we got together but once you have children, well. Most of that emotional energy now goes towards them, not him. And he's stamping his feet about it. Still

Do you really think that any amount of talking is going to change his attitude and if so, why this time??

I know it's hard to admit that you cannot fix something - but sometimes it's better to admit it and move forward with your life instead of going around in circles being miserable.

He has to want to fix this and frankly, I can't see him being prepared to do that as he doesn't have an issue with 'keeping you in your place' :(

He sounds like a very nasty, selfish, mean little man, next time he leaves for work change the locks and leave his belongings outside the front door. Let him make as much noise as he wants, just don't answer the door.