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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

TO EXPECT HIM TO LET HIMSELF IN?

61 replies

theQuibbler · 25/05/2012 23:15

There is, as usual, a ton of background to this, but I'm going to skip it to try and keep it succinct.

DH now has a job that means he gets home around 12.30/1 am, 2 or 3 times a week. Sometimes I am up, sometimes I am not. He, usually, refuses to take his keys so that he can let himself in. Or asks in a very sulky manner whether " I will be up to let him in."

He seems to equate me being up to let him in as an indicator of how much I care about him.

Would you:

  • stay up?
  • stay up to let him in and then go straight to bed?
  • tell him to take his keys

It feels as though this has become a power struggle between us. We have a 5 yr old and an 10 month old. The baby and the child have both been known to stir and then fully wake up as he comes home, because he insists on speaking at full voice/volume and bothering them till they engage with him. At this point, he usually decides to hand them back to me.

OP posts:
tribpot · 26/05/2012 06:22

Sorry - complete wankerish behaviour. I thought I was bad for getting cross with my DH leaving the key in the door so I had to ring the bell to be let in. At 6 pm Wink (it is quite annoying, I have to say!)

Expecting you to stay up is stupid. Wanting to wake the kids is just stupid and childish and, I agree, bizarre.

OxfordBags · 26/05/2012 08:04

So he lost a job because he's an immature twat and now he risks losing his family because he's an immature twat. OP, be aware - it might seem trivial but it is a huge red flag. It's not only incredibly controlling and thoughtless, it's controlling and thoughtless in a really weird, unbalanced, abusive way. If you keep tolerating this, he'll start making more and more weird, controllin demands, like the world's biggest spoilt brat. And then, before you know it, your life and your Dcs too, will revolve around his inane orders and trying to appease him and normalise the weirdness for the kids. Enough has to be enough.

hecatetrivia · 26/05/2012 08:10

He is an idiot. Waking his children on purpose? Wanting you to greet him at the door like a good little wifey?

You really really REALLY need to stamp on this. "I will be in bed, if you don't take your keys, you will not be able to get in. it is selfish of you to want to wake the entire household."

A grown up can deal with coming home quietly and everyone being asleep and can understand that's because of the time and nobody is being in bed AT them Hmm

I come back to my 'good little wifey' point. He is the Man Of The House. Wife awaits his arrival and scampers to the door, throwing it wide, welcoming her master home from his hard day's toil.

Screw that.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/05/2012 08:13

theQ

I was also not all that surprised to read that this is seemingly the tip of a bloody large iceberg. Why I am also not surprised to read too that he lost his last job?.

This behaviour of his is about power and control; he wants your whole family to run around him and worship him. Abuse is also about power and control and his behaviour is controlling. You write power struggle, this is correct but this is only part of what you are facing here. He wants all the power whilst you have none.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What do you want to teach your children about relationships?. They will certainly learn damaging lessons from their dad and by turn yourself if you choose to remain within such a bad situation. Their homelife not to mention your own self worth will be harmed.

SirSugar · 26/05/2012 08:18

I'm very cross on your behalf, stamp on his disgusting behaviour with immediate effect. There is nothing to discuss except take your effing keys and keep quiet so you don't wake us all up.

We had a 'power struggle' in our house once over ironing. H persuaded me to iron all his shirts/the sheets, everything (both working full time). One day he sneered at me ' all you do is fucking ironing'. I've never ironed anything since.

Blatherskite · 26/05/2012 08:22

Ooh, ooh, I finally get to to use the classic MN phrase - tell him to fuck the fuck off and when he gets there, fuck off some more.

LetsKateWin · 26/05/2012 08:22

He's a bully. Don't put up with it.

ledkr · 26/05/2012 08:30

What a moron!
This is about control.

Be carefull,a lady over the rd who is in her 50's told me that she is "not allowed" to go to bed untill her dh is home at night in case he wants a snack or a chat Shock Act now if you dont want to be her.

Dh and i both work lates and earlies and are very careful and respectfull about the others need to get some sleep.

We have a 15 month old and a 10 yr old and share childcare/school runs etc.

He is on until 12 today and Sunday,i will get up with the baby at 6 to let him sleep,he will equally let himself in quietly and creep quietly up to bed.

Its called respect. He should learn some.

Just tell him to remember his key as you will be asleep. Whats he going to do? Sulk?

Original poster
theQuibbler · 26/05/2012 08:38

What do you get out of this relationship now? That's a very good question and one I am not sure how to answer it at the moment. Not much, to be honest.

He's always liked to 'live in the sun', as I call it. He's very insecure underneath his confident, charming exterior. I admit that I have white knight tendencies - I have to rein in my desire to rescue and smooth over everything. It was a good enough fit when we got together but once you have children, well. Most of that emotional energy now goes towards them, not him. And he's stamping his feet about it. Still.

He'll take his keys from now on. There'll be a lot of PA not-being-able-to-find them-and-stomping-around action, I bet. Sometimes it's like living with a 4 yr old. Except I've already got 2 children ....

OP posts:
MushroomSoup · 26/05/2012 08:44

Just got up and read this thread.
DH was up at 5 this morning, didn't hear a thing. He's gone to work. 2 of the DCs are having breakfast and the other 2 are still in bed.
I'm out with the girls tonight and certainly won't be in early! When I let myself in with my key at 2am everyone will be asleep so I'll take my heels off at the front door, tiptoe for a glass of water to sober me up and get into bed really quietly so I don't wake anyone

And I'm not particularly kind or thoughtful!!
Your DH wants a kick.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/05/2012 08:46

You already have two children; you do not need a third manchild who is selfish and controlling to boot.

How will it benefit you and your children to grow up in such an atmosphere?. He will likely start on them given time and opportunity or you for saying they're making too much noise or leaving too many toys around.

He won't change his ways for you or anyone else; you do realise this don't you?.
FWIW I think he knows full well what he is doing and enjoys seeing your discomfort.

I would suggest you read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

sugarice · 26/05/2012 08:46

Quibbler,this is awful behaviour from him, what a twat.

foolonthehill · 26/05/2012 09:27

Think maybe you should read this and see what he scores. check list for abusive behaviours

there are also some links at the top of this thread that might be useful www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1448224-Support-thread-for-those-in-Emotionally-Abusive-relationships-number-8

solidgoldbrass · 26/05/2012 16:12

Work on getting rid now. Honestly, he won't get any better and is very likely to get worse. You're in the fairly classic situation of having been able to gloss over the fact that your partner is a woman-hating arsehole (because this is what's at the root of his behaviour, the conviction that he is a Man and you, as a 'woman', exist to put him first and meet his needs) - until you have DC. Now you are a mum and naturally put DCs interests ahead of his, he will throw his weight about, and his behaviour will slowly but steadily escalate. I'm afraid you can't rule out the possibility of physical violence from a man like this as he is very determined to 'put you in your place'.

RandomMess · 26/05/2012 16:17

Why on earth would anyone want to deliberately sleep deprive anyone else Confused.

It would be the final nail in the coffin for me.

VerityVictrix · 26/05/2012 16:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

MushroomSoup · 26/05/2012 16:35

Jesus Verity. I suppose you also don't agree with women having the vote or being educated?!

TheHappyHissy · 26/05/2012 16:40

Funny how anyone on here that says they've heard of such treatment, is referring to an EX!

MarySA · 26/05/2012 16:45

Of course it is very selfish and unreasonable of him. However, I think he is probably feeling insecure and stressed. I'm not saying treat him with kid gloves but it is worth talking it through. Obviously there is more to this than meets the eye. If me or DH walked out when either of us had been totally unreasonable we wouldn't be together now. And that's a fact.

BellaVita · 26/05/2012 16:48

Why in earth should she Verity? Does she need to get down on her hands and kneese and scrub the floor too?

He is being a selfish arse.

BellaVita · 26/05/2012 16:48

Knees

oikopolis · 26/05/2012 17:15

Verity has been spouting similar "interesting opinions" in other threads, i think she has an agenda.

HoneyDragonWearingLederhosen · 26/05/2012 17:19

Verity I suspect does have agender Wink

veritythebrave · 26/05/2012 17:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CrazyChicken · 26/05/2012 17:27

I finish the same sort of time and hubby doesn't wait up for me and nor would I expect him. I let myself in.

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