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Original poster

How long would you go without affection?

17 replies

MDM · 24/05/2012 21:08

DH lost his job about 12 months ago. since then there has been no 'affection' between us at all, either sexual or otherwise. It literally changed the day he lost his job.

Its clear that the pressure of being out of work is having an impact, and I don't want to add to the pressure, but I could really do with a cuddle.

How would you tackle this?

We had our second DS 8 months ago, so this has also added to the pressure - time, tiredness etc

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 24/05/2012 21:10

I would go an hug him on the sofa while he's watching TV.

What happens if you approach him in bed? Does he push you away?

AThingInYourLife · 24/05/2012 21:10

I wouldn't have waited a year to tackle it.

Now it must be a huge thing between you.

You need to bring it up with him, a lack of affection can be terrible for intimacy.

WineGoggles · 24/05/2012 21:14

I'm with Lynette, what does he do if you hug him? How about asking him if he's OK?

bumbums · 24/05/2012 21:22

This happened in my marraige when we bought our first home. It is fucking awful.
Can you suggest to him that he may well be depressed? Anit-depressants can do wonders. A friends husband had terrible stress in his life and he said he felt like he had claws in his back all the time.

Don't do nothing about this. Don't let him do nothing about it either. Your intimacy is vital to your relationships survival.

LynetteScavo · 24/05/2012 21:23

If he's depressed, finding a new job will be even harder. Anti depressants may not help his sex life, but if they help him find a new job, then you can hopefully both move on.

Original poster
MDM · 24/05/2012 21:29

I haven't exactly waited a year to tackle it. It's been compounded by a difficult pregnancy towards the end and of course the new baby phase etc. that's how I feel at least.

I would say I get pushed away, but neither does he seem to need me or respond to me. It's really hard to explain. Sorry, I'm not doing a very good job. I feel like I'm only just processing this properly now as I write, and I'm getting tearful.

He's such a lovely man, so conscientious when it comes to providing for his family. I think this is killing him.

I offer him plenty of support and reassurance. He knows I'm here for him no matter what. I'm just starting to fret that this might be a sign that we're not as solid as I thought we were.

I just want the pressure to lift and for us to get back to normal. Or are we beyond that? I don't know. So confused.

Helping to write about it though - thanks all of you.

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Original poster
MDM · 24/05/2012 21:30

That should read ' I wouldn't say I get pushed away'

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Chubfuddler · 24/05/2012 21:33

Dh and I didn't have sex for over a year between conception of dd and early new baby stage. Big elephant in the room. Started to despair that side of our marriage was over forever. One night I just reached for him and it's been wonderful ever since. Maybe it's become such a big deal for your husband it's too much to try to tackle.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/05/2012 06:28

My suggestion would be to engineer some time together. Difficult pregnancies can make men feel powerless, new babies often push a DH into second place and, if he's already feeling insecure or rejected by the job loss, it'll just compound the problem. But you won't know how he feels unless he has chance to explain. You've said you're there for him which is fine but you also need to explain how you miss him and need him. It's not 'adding to the pressure' to do that... but if you don't express it, he may think you're coping fine, you don't need him, he's best staying out of the way.

Can you get someone else to look after the children for an evening or a weekend? Get yourselves out of the usual environment and somewhere where you can relate to each other as a couple again?

crestico · 25/05/2012 08:21

if i dont get a hug or a peck on the cheek or a slap on the butt every couple of hours, I know there's something wrong.
One year?! wow... each to their own I guess

Original poster
MDM · 25/05/2012 10:04

I found your response very soothing cogito, thankyou.

Crestico, I'm interested to know whether your wonderfully affectionate DP maintained that behaviour through any prolonged periods of stress that he has been under?

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Original poster
MDM · 25/05/2012 10:06

Thankyou also chubfuddler. It's a relief to know that my situation is not uncommon.

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crestico · 25/05/2012 12:05

yes - throughout depression and death of MIL. Maybe we're just very (unusually?) tactile?

doormat · 25/05/2012 12:13

all i can say mdm is you are not alone...cant give any constructive advice as going through the same....big hugs to you and Thanks xxx

RetroMom · 25/05/2012 16:17

MDM you say your husband lost his job and the problems are compounded by a difficult pregnancy.

Your husbands ego has taken a blow on the job front, and he has a new little one vying for your attention. You are probably tired and stretched thin with household demands, but maybe your husband needs you to go to him and just show him you love him without discussion. Let him know you miss him.

Original poster
MDM · 26/05/2012 21:42

A heartfelt ladies. You made me realise that this isn't 'all about me', but you're right, I need to reach out for him and make him feel loved and needed.

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Original poster
MDM · 26/05/2012 21:43

A heartfelt thanks - the first line should read!

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