To think my husband is a cunt?

[dawnpreview]

After yet another row, in which I am told I do nothing round the house as all I do is stay home and look after the kids. I just heard him shouting at the dog and saying to it 'you're a dickhead just like the rest of them'. How nice that he thinks that of his wife and kids :(
Just went down and let him know I had heard him, and got told 'well it's true, none of you listen to me'
I am sat here in tears now, as I am just so fed up of everything being my fault and him never taking responsibility for any of it.
I know he works hard, and fully support him in all he does. But with 4 year old twins to look after, I don't exactly sit on my arse all day. I do absolutely everything with the kids. He never puts them to bed, gives them a bath, reads a bedtime story, cooks their meals, spends time alone with them- all apparently because he works and I don't, so it's my job.
As I said, I know he works hard and long hours etc, but surely other dads make some time to occasionally put their kids to bed/read a story etc. Or do they not? Maybe this is normal?
Sorry this is a bit long and waffly, I am just so angry and upset I needed to 'talk' to someone. Thanks for reading.

[Melindaaa]

you assume wrong lou2321.

And why wouldnt we eat all meals in the dining room? Where else would we eat them? Dont most families eat in the room where the table is?

[Peppin]

YANBU. Though sadly I think you are not alone in your "husband being ignorant cunt" predicament.

I used to be a SAHM and DH went out to work. He worked in a pressured job in the City but was home every day by 6.30-7pm. Even when I had DS age 2 and DD newborn, he would literally insist on knocking on the front door every night instead of letting himself in, as he liked his wife to welcome him home. He then liked to sit on the sofa and not be disturbed by having to converse with the wife who had not spoken to another adult since he'd left the house in the morning, as he was tired from the office. While fixing his drink and snack I would also have to bathe and put to bed the DCs, at least one of whom on any given night would not settle for ages. Then I would go downstairs and serve up the healthy but delicious dinner that I had prepared earlier in the day from scratch so that DH could be properly nourished and not eat takeaway crap. Then I would tidy kitchen. All of these things were my job, not his, because as we all know, if you are a SAHM your DH earns the money - that is his job - and everything else is your job.

We are now divorced. Now I have a full time job which involves leaving the house at 7.30am and returning at 7.30pm. I still do all the housework, cleaning and cooking, but without him around it somehow feels like less work

[Melindaaa]

I'm not saying the husband shouldnt be pitching in once home, of course he should. When both parents are home, everything should be split 50/50.

[AllYoursBabooshka]

Call me Babs!

Look, I understand your point but the OP is hardly sitting at home picking her nails all day by the sounds of it. I have one four year old DS so I can imagine how it would be with two.

I don't tell DP how to do his job and he doesn't comment on mine. We both know we work hard and just like him, I don't get things done before the deadline.

It's called respect.

[sweetkitty]

YANBU

My DP works long hours but the minute he is home it's 50/50, we have 4DC though, why should he sit in his arse whilst I run about like a loon?

[McHappyPants2012]

a clean and tidy home isn't everything.

It is a bit sad that all i can ever remember my mum doing when i was a child is cleaning the house so it was clean for my father when he came home from work.

my house do get cleaned, but its when the DC are in school or in the evening, as i want to spend time with the DC so they have memories of me playing out the garden, dancing, and the fun we have together

[Whatmeworry]

IMO with 4 year olds it is perfectly possible to do some stuff around the house during the day.

[Melindaaa]

Whatmeworry, totally agree. Unless they are sick and puking I cant understand how you cant find the time to keep things presentable.

[FeakAndWeeble]

Agree with Brockle, this definitely sounds like emotional abuse to me.



OP I really do think you should get this moved to Relationships, you rarely get idiots Melindaaa's hijacking with their fecking useless judgement calls

[Pocketrocket11]

I feel for you OP, sometimes the working parent forgets how hard it can be for the parent at home. When I was a SAHM I also found it much easier to get all the tidying and cleaning done once DS was in bed and DP had a similar attitude to your DH, so I kicked him out :) only for a week but he got the point. I have to ask him to do stuff though, such as give DS a bath etc as he does not have the inclination to just do it himself but he will do it. Do you actually ask him to help with bedtimes etc?

[GurlwiththeFrothyCurl]

In the dark, distant past when I was a SAHM, DH would cook the evening meal every night whilst I put the boys to bed. He would pitch in every weekend and probably did more housework than me. We had the philosophy that life is too short to worry about hoovering. I took the DSs out every afternoon, even just for a walk in the park, if I was feeling broke. The idea was to use my time with them to do things and talk to them, to play and have fun. Housework is still there when they leave home. The time when they are little is so short.

They are now grown up but they can still remember some of the places I took them and the fun times we had. They aren't worried that I didn't hoover the floor every day!

[FeakAndWeeble]

The point of the OP was not about whether or not she keeps a tidy house

It's about the horrible way she has been spoken to by her partner! Jeezus

[threetequilafloor]

He is clearly an arse, yanbu ...

[dawnpreview]

Sitting down and talking would just turn into a row :(
He is a very stressful person. He has his own business and works hard, and I wouldn't mind doing all I do if I just got a bit of recognition for it.
I have to admit I get quite stressed as well, and probably shout at the kids too much. But if I get cross or stressed about anything it ends up with him having a go at me.'whereas it's ok for him to shout or rant and rave about stuff.
We don't have family nearby, and both lost our dads earlier this year, so things have been a bit rough. I just get fed up with it all being down to me. If I just keep quiet and agree with everything he says it's all fine. But as soon as things don't go his way, or the kids play up, he gets in a strop. Although apparently even the way the kids are is all down to me and the way i am with them.
For example I came down from running their bath tonight and he was trying to get them to tidy up the last few toys on the floor. I came into the room and picked up a box of toys to put on the shelf. He then has a go because the kids should be tidying up and not me, and that is why they are so demanding. Most of the toys they still had out were ones they wanted to take in the bath, but before I could say anything he had picked them up and packed them away. Cue upset children and me having to find the toys again in the box.
He then can't even say a proper goodnight to them as he is so mad at me.

[AdoraBell]

No, it's not normal that one person, usually the woman does everything at home. I went as far as stopping doing everything I did/do, it made a difference with my OH, but some men just refuse to accept that they are wrong.

I also have twins, you have my sympathy, they are each a full time job, as is running the house. In fact, a US study-saw this on Dr Phil- showed that the average SAHM does the equivalent of 2.6 full times jobs. How many full time jobs does your OH do?

[AmazingBouncingFalcarius]

It's not about whether the OP does 'enough' housework or not, it is about her husbands attitude.


And his attitude is shit.

Even if she has left some laundry or some dishes she does not deserve to be called a dickhead for that reason and on a seperate note her children do not be deserved to be ignored by their father just because he does paid work and has a penis.

Nobhead.

[frankie76]

Kids are not a job (although I don't mean that what u do isn't)
You are not bringing them up alone
Doesn't he want to spend any time with them - he should love doing that
My roles are reversed I work full time and my dh stays home
As soon as I get back I take over because I want to
All weekend I'm in charge

You need to change this and not put up with it

[lou2321]

No one is saying you can't get stuff done with 4 year olds or even younger children, my house was generally presentable every day but on the occasions it wasn't DH never said a word, he just either took the kids off my hands or did it himself, no big deal and certainly no abuse towards me. That is the point of the discussion.

[GetTheeToANunnery]

Is he working very hard at the moment? Does he have anything on his mind eg financial issues etc?
I'm not condoning him calling you a dickhead but he might just be feeling a bit down at the moment or something. I'm sure we've all said things we didn't mean at some point.

My dp can be a bit like yours sometimes, short tempered and a bit OCD. I've found it best just to reiterate what I do around the house and what I view my job as a sahm consisting of. He soon got the message and now anything extra he wants doing to his OCD standards he does himself.

[OliviaLMumsnet]

Hello OP
We are going to move this thread to relationships.
Thanks
MNHQ

[GetTheeToANunnery]

It is easier to get a load of housework done in the morning though, just sayin :)

[McHappyPants2012]

also a sahm does not = a slave

the parent that works, still eats, sleeps, showers uses the toilet ect in the home, why should a man ( in the thread) come home to a cooked meal, have a shower and then go to bed without doing any housework.

the bathroom will need cleaning, the kitchen will need ceaning and the bedding washed ( i do mine once a week) so its only far that they do there fair share

[molschambers]

YANBU.

He is being a twat.

If he was single he would have to buy and cook his own food, wash, dry and iron his own clothes, pay his own bills, change his own bedding, make his own bed, clean his own loo, etc, etc.......

So why the fuck does he think it is above him to do any of these things because he has a wife and kids?

Kids make mess. Kids need to be entertained. Your house will never be clean and tidy AT THE SAME TIME until they have left home. And then you'll miss them.

He needs to relax and pull his own weight and until such time as he does you're all going to be bloody miserable.

[AnyFucker]

I agree with you, OP

your husband is a cunt

[dawnpreview]

I am not saying I get nothing done around the house, just that what I do doesn't seem good enough.
Today I have got the kids breakfast, supervised washing and dressing, got them to pre school, tidied up their toys and swept/mopped floor, put 2 loads of washing on, been to the shop for milk, been to the bank, washed breakfast stuff, walked dog, collected kids from pre school, given them lunch, taken them to the park with a friend, come home and given them a snack while I get their tea ready, then DH came home. I have then cleared up after their tea, bathed and read story to them and put them to bed.
That is a fairly typical day.