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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP's "long lost female friend" - what can I do if anything?

64 replies

NotSweetAudrina · 22/05/2012 23:16

A few weeks ago DP added an old school pal to his facebook. He'd not seen her for 20 odd years so was understandably shocked to hear she had had cancer and was now in her 2nd remission. Lots of private messaging back and forth. I let it go. Then I found out she'd been in to see him at work a few times (he works in the town she lives in so all legit probably) and then exchange of mobile numbers etc. I commented once that they seemed to be getting quite close and he went mental and said I was heartless to accuse her of that after all she'd been through. I felt awful and so left it.
Anyway I recently stumbled upon some private messages between them where he's slagging off a holiday I had booked and she's agreeing with him that it sounded shit and in future he should go to her and she'd advise him on stuff like that!!! Hmm Then last weekend we were away (funnily enough in the place where she visits her own partner often) and she was there at the time. DP asked her if her and her partner would like to meet up with us and she suggested that he "Lose" me around the shops, she'd "Lose" her partner in the bar and her and DP could "catch up properly" over coffee.

Am I being overly paranoid here?? I don't want to accuse the woman of anything as I know she's had a hard time but if she IS coming onto him, what can I do without sounding heartless??

OP posts:
tartyflette · 22/05/2012 23:21

sorry, NotSweet, but ill or not, she sounds like a cow. Did you actually meet her and form an opinion?

augustajones · 22/05/2012 23:24

No, you are not being paranoid. It has alarm bells all over it from this angle.

Sorry OP. Lots of views, experience and great advice here so hopefully you will get a range of answers and solutions.

Pandygirl · 22/05/2012 23:33

I'm sorry, but cancer doesn't always happen to good people, you can't assume that because she has an illness she isn't after your man.

To me it sounds like she is coming on to him, but it's a tricky situation, honestly I'd kill it with kindness, don't let her and DH be together, take her off shopping, or for a mai/pedi, talk to her, find out what her motivation is.

Don't let them be alone together, he's vunerable beause she was a friend and she's ill, he will fel protective. Her motivations seem somewhat different.....

CrispyCod · 22/05/2012 23:47

Friendship is one thing but the fact your DP was slagging your holiday off to her is very disrespectful.

hmc · 23/05/2012 00:04

Hmmm - I would insist that dh dropped contact (but that's just me and I am not necessarily advocating that you do the same). She sounds predatory

hmc · 23/05/2012 00:06

And your DP must bear some responsibility - he surely appreciates that a suggestion re 'losing' you is inappropriate

Sunshinedelacruz · 23/05/2012 00:08

Forget the cancer, it's not an excuse to muscle in. Trust your instincts and cancel the holiday she slagged off!

SundaeGirl · 23/05/2012 00:09

How did you find all of that out?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/05/2012 07:10

IME... when women friends get together with other women friends they do nothing else but slag off their husbands and partners!!! Your DH is doing the same thing. How do you 'stumble' upon private messages? What's that saying about eavesdroppers never hearing anything good about themselves? I would resist the temptation to keep snooping

MadAboutHotChoc · 23/05/2012 07:19

This link may help:

www.shirleyglass.com/quizfriendship.php

nizlopi · 23/05/2012 07:27

Something odd about that, I'd be keeping a close eye on it, and I'd bring it up with him again. Cancer doesn't make you a good person. Shitty people get sick too.

AnyFucker · 23/05/2012 07:32

I wouldn't tolerate that level of disrespect from my my H

Who the fuck does he think he is ?

AnAirOfHope · 23/05/2012 07:40

Does your dh have any other female friends?

Do you trust your husband?

TwllBach · 23/05/2012 07:41

If that was me, OP, I'd be really upset that he thought it was appropriate to talk about me with another female, especially if she instigated it because it woulf feel like she was predatory to me. I'm pretty certain DP would feel the same if I was carrying on in a similar fashion with a male friend and would tell me so. Is there a way you can bring it up so he can see it from your point of view?

I'm not saying that because he doesn't deserve a bollocking, but if he hasn't done anything like this before, maybe he has got caught up in the 'old friend' bit and hasn't stopped to think how it might make you feel? Thoughtless and hasty, yes, but (hopefully anyway) just a lapse in good husbanding as opposed to something more sinister in the long term, IYSWIM?

TwllBach · 23/05/2012 07:42

Actually, FWIW, if I were you I'd still be very hurt and probably not in the mood for the softly softly approach. I've not been very helpful really!

Bluesue26 · 23/05/2012 07:42

she's agreeing with him that it sounded shit and in future he should go to her and she'd advise him on stuff like that!!!

That's what would piss me off, that she thinks her opinion should be of more importance to him than his DW. To an extent I agree with Cognito, I know my friends and I often bitch about our other halves however I don't slag their partners to them. That very often backfires and the fact that this woman thinks she can do this without ever having met OP says to me that she's being extremely rude and disrespecting the relationship. Worse still, the DH isn't defending OP.
What's that phrase that's often thrown around on here? Oh yes, she is not a friend of this marriage.

OhNoMyFanjo · 23/05/2012 07:49

The first question is why is your dh slagging you off to her?

Tge second question is why is she agreeing?

Another poster was correct when they said its not just nice people who get cancer. I'd be more inclined to go with tge 'live life to the full and don't waste a day' danger . She know how short life can be, we deserve to be happy whilst we can etc.

Any women who wants to exclude you and help perpetrate negative feelings towards you is a danger.

crowface · 23/05/2012 08:00

Hang on a minute. This woman hasn't slagged off the OP, just the holiday choice. Yes, I'd be very annoyed, but it's not the same as the dh slagging off his wife and her joining in. As for the 'consult me in future' comment, again very annoying but it may have been light hearted.

I wouldn't worry about your dh intentions as he wanted to meet as a foursome. Incidentally, how did you find out about the loosing you bit.

I recently got together with a friend I'd not seen for nearly a year, and although I'd invited another friend I see more frequently I was glad she didn't come so that I could catch up properly with the friend I'd not seen in a while. So again, whilst it's hurtful and annoying, if you generally trust you dp din't worry.

Not entirely sure I'd not be very hurt and pissed off if it was me though!

MadAboutHotChoc · 23/05/2012 08:25

Its not the woman you should be worried about - its your husband that you should be focusing on.

He is the one who is opening windows into your marriage - he is the one who is making those hurtful comments about you.

QuintessentialShadows · 23/05/2012 08:27

Really bad sign that she and your husband are conspiring together against you, and together engaging in slagging you off. He is letting her undermine you.

What is your relationship like otherwise?

toptramp · 23/05/2012 08:31

HHHHmmmm. Im not sure it sounds like they intend to screw each other tbh. It IS disrespectful that they talk like this behind your back. Your dp is complicit in this.

RabidAnchovy · 23/05/2012 08:32

She sounds like a cow, I hope she buggers off soon because she sounds like a threat to be honest.

toptramp · 23/05/2012 08:32

Actually I take it back; I don't like the way she suggested he go with her. YUCK!

MorrisZapp · 23/05/2012 08:39

I think everybody is over reacting.

It's v possible that you'd see similar banter if you looked into his private messages with his male friends too.

Of course it feels horrible to read him slagging your holiday choice etc, but looking at private messages never leads to happiness.

Dropdeadfred · 23/05/2012 08:43

At least you husband offered to meet her partner, with you there too. It was her that didn't want to...