DP's "long lost female friend" - what can I do if anything?

[NotSweetAudrina]

A few weeks ago DP added an old school pal to his facebook. He'd not seen her for 20 odd years so was understandably shocked to hear she had had cancer and was now in her 2nd remission. Lots of private messaging back and forth. I let it go. Then I found out she'd been in to see him at work a few times (he works in the town she lives in so all legit probably) and then exchange of mobile numbers etc. I commented once that they seemed to be getting quite close and he went mental and said I was heartless to accuse her of that after all she'd been through. I felt awful and so left it.
Anyway I recently stumbled upon some private messages between them where he's slagging off a holiday I had booked and she's agreeing with him that it sounded shit and in future he should go to her and she'd advise him on stuff like that!!! Then last weekend we were away (funnily enough in the place where she visits her own partner often) and she was there at the time. DP asked her if her and her partner would like to meet up with us and she suggested that he "Lose" me around the shops, she'd "Lose" her partner in the bar and her and DP could "catch up properly" over coffee.

Am I being overly paranoid here?? I don't want to accuse the woman of anything as I know she's had a hard time but if she IS coming onto him, what can I do without sounding heartless??

Well in the beginning DP didn't even mention my existence to her. Infact he seemed to do everything he could to avoid mentioning me. It was only when I confronted him on it (he came home from work early and he'd left his facebook open on the laptop and gone for a shower) that he mentioned that he was in a relationship. They didn't contact each other for a while after that but then it started up again. I found out she'd been in to see him at work because my friend who works with him mentioned meeting her (in a "oh I saw your DPs old friend today at work, she's looking well isn't she!) Apparantly she's been in there at least 3 times but then again, she does live nearby and it is a public place so I'm trying not to rope too much into that!
And then this whole holiday thing. She knows the area and asked where we were staying. He told her and she said "what are you staying there for??" and he replied "oh, Audrina booked it lol" - this is where she laughed and said "oh god, what is she like!" and he replied "I know, looks shit doesn't it" and she agreed and said he should consult her next time and she'd find him somewhere decent.
He has suggested to her that she add me on Facebook and she said she would but hasn't.

See the holiday thing sounds like banter, especially if she knows the area. It's a bit of a leap from, I can advice you on this, to next time we'll book a holiday for us two together!

And really, if you've not met, why would she add you on Facebook. Does your dp not state he's in a relationship in his profile?

No he doesn't have a relationship status (but then neither do I).

I suppose the bit that has got me the most is the "lets ditch our partners and meet up on our own" bit.

Why are posters saying it seems pretty harmless ignoring the fact she's met him at work at least three times, without him mentioning it? And the 'let's lose them' comment? And the fact he hadn't even told this woman he was in a relationship?

This is not a case of could they be getting too close OP - your dh has already stepped over a line. Way way over it.

Yes, he has crossed quite a few boundaries - you need to talk to him.

Because it could all be harmless. I'd be hurt and I'd keep an eye on things but he's not actually done anything wrong. My dh could see someone at work and not mention, not because he's hiding anything, but just because ha's forgetful or it wasn't significant to him. As soon as a thread like this appears, people start looking for an affair and so far there's no evidence of that or even the intention of one.

It is odd he didn't mention you, but if they were just reminiscing then why would he need to? If he gave a full run down of his life since they'd last seen each other and you didn't feature, hen that's a different story.

But it is a bit obvious, if people in work are noticing, and gossiping about women coming to see your dp in work.

It is also a bit obvious if he has not mentioned that he has a partner.

My question to you now is: Do you live together, and do you have children together?

If not, I would just dump, I am sorry, but I would not want to be in a relationship with a man like this.

Harmless or not, it's upsetting the OP and he should stop this. How would he feel if OP had a male ex who kept popping into work to see her and who joined her in slagging him off?

I don't know how people can be hurt but hide it, while still snooping. I just couldn't pretend everything was okay.

Each individual thing could be ok, meeting a friend at work and not mentioning it, meeting up somewhere and trying to find time for friend-talk, slagging off a holiday choice. However, added together, and given she is just back on the scene and not a long-standing friend, they suggest a picture of the two of them becoming rather cosy together and I personally would worry.

My husband has many female friends, but he doesn't prefer one of them to the rest, or not mention numerous visits to his work, and wouldn't run off if we all met up in some type of secret meeting. I don't see how this is entirely innocent because friends don't need this type of secrecy if they are straightforward and not playing games. I wouldn't do that with my female friends for a start.

Audrina -this has red flags all over it (at least to me). I am not suggesting anything is happening right now, but this could certainly lead on to something awful. I would nip it in the bud right now.

I would add her as a friend on Facebook (since your husband suggested that to her), and see if she accepts. If yes, I would then kill this with (pretend) kindness, as somebody above suggested. FB message her when she accepts to say how delighted you are that your DH has got in touch with a long lost friend, and you really can't wait to get to know her properly.

Then suggest to your DH that you should invite her and her DH for dinner, and really force your friendship on her (try to be the one to invite even). This should at least make your presence in your relationship with your DH very clear to her.

Oops, I have just realised it is DP rather than DH.

Still, I'd do as I suggested above (or if dinner at your own home is too much, maybe drinks and dinner somewhere out?). I would involve her DP in this 'friendship' too, so your DP and this potential OW would find it more difficult to justify meeting up just the two of them, if you see what I mean.

It sounds like he is being really disrespectful to you, by not mentioning, slagging you off, and "ditching" you in order to hang out with this other woman.

Tell him this. If defends his behaviour, then, well, you know what kind of man youre dealing with.

How long have you been together? How do you see the future? I take it you don't have children?

I think this is the level you need to move to mentally here. Let's cut the crap, he has stepped way over the line, that is not up for any sort of discussion. He will want to make it the discussion of course, because then you can focus on hair-splitting over whether he should have mentioned you earlier etc. But none of that is the point. He's disrespecting you, sending out all the wrong signals, letting another woman corss boundaries right left and centre. He's either a cheat in the making, or a complete arse - either way, the ONLY way to actually sort it out is to nip the whole thing in the bud by being zero tolerance.

So the real question is do you want him. Do you want a 'him' that thinks this kind of behaviour is ok, and puts a lot of energy into defending this kind of nonsense with another woman? I wouldn't, my respect for him and enthusiasm for being his partner would be heading out the door right now.

If you really want him, you can give him an ultimatum and hope he makes the right decision.

If you don't particularly want him, I'd just dump. Sound hasty? No, not really. This is a huge red flag for the future. He likes what's happening at the moment and he isnt' stupid, just pretending to be. So even if he has no intention of it going further, this is a hint of the annoyance and misery and paranoia you will be signing up for by staying with him.

I would suggest telling him this. You have no interest in being with the kind of shitscrape who leads this kind of dance. He makes his mind up what he wants, or he can ship off right now and stop getting on your tits with all the flirting.

I have male friends, they don't ask me to "lose my partner". We do meet up alone for lunch to catch up etc.

It isn't the fact she's a female friend it's the attitude of needing to be alone together. You have the right to be annoyed.

I agree with Morriszapp and Maryz

Jesus, ill or not, she sounds like a coniving bitch and the fact that he is allowing her to take the piss out of you means that he is as bad!

I would go nuts. I wouldn't listen to any just friends crap and the sympathy card because she has had cancer wouldn't wash either. Don't even see that its relevant.

I think there is too much focus on this woman. She does not know you and owes you nothing.

Its DP you should be worried about, its him is who giving off signals, making these disrespectful comments, encouraging her to think he is single and indulging in this flirty banter.

I've always thought in situations where there is an "other woman" too much emphasis goes on to how terrible she is. Personally I think any woman who is aware that a man is in a relationship but continues to pursue is awful but still a man who encourages such a woman is who the focus should be on.

The "lose the partner" idea is what rings my alarm bells. The unfortunate part of this situation is that you snooped. Snooping breaks trust and trying to tell your partner your uncomfortable with what is happening will mean you will have to confess.

The unfortunate part of this situation is that you snooped. Snooping breaks trust and trying to tell your partner your uncomfortable with what is happening will mean you will have to confess

Who cares if she has to confess? I think it's a bloody good job she snooped!

I am all for snooping if you have reason/suspicions. Luckily I have never have had suspicions with dh but I would not hesitate to go through his stuff (in fact we both use each other's phones/hotmail etc anyway) if he gave me reason.

Nope doesn't sound innocent to me either. Who does he think he is. Getting angry when confronted smacks of guilty intentions in my book.

I'd tell him to piss off and take her with him.

GoPoldark great post.

proudscary

I hear what your saying, but I think if you feel the need to snoop then the trust has gone in your relationship... if you've got no trust then you've got no relationship.

I wouldn't be happy with this at all. I wouldn't like my husband discussing losing me, I wouldn't like him slagging off a decision I'd made to anyone but me and I wouldn't like her visiting him at work.
I'd be suggesting we finish the relationship so he is free to start one with her. Having had cancer doesn't turn someone into a sexless saint, him using that as an excuse as to why he couldn't possibly be contemplating an affair with her is nonsense.

Her, and his, behaviour is not really justifiable.

But, OP, there are alot of questions such as how long have you and DP been together, how long has this all been going on, days? weeks? months?
how on earth did you end up at the same place at the weekend, and how did you find out she and her partner were there - can we assume a secret tryst between DP and OW? Can we assume they were boyfriend/girlfriend at school?
If they were just class mates perhaps his behaviour IS because he feels sorry for her following her illness. Perhaps she is doing all the running by turning up at his work, what does the 'spy' at work say?

But it does sound as if their friendship is progressing suspiciously fast for just a chance reunion.

I wouldn't let dh treat me that way - not that he would ever dream of it! It's really disrespectful and uncaring about your feelings. Regardless of this woman's illness, you are his partner and you should come first. Sneaking around at work, on holiday, on facebook and with private messages all behind your back, it's just not on.