DP's "long lost female friend" - what can I do if anything?

[NotSweetAudrina]

A few weeks ago DP added an old school pal to his facebook. He'd not seen her for 20 odd years so was understandably shocked to hear she had had cancer and was now in her 2nd remission. Lots of private messaging back and forth. I let it go. Then I found out she'd been in to see him at work a few times (he works in the town she lives in so all legit probably) and then exchange of mobile numbers etc. I commented once that they seemed to be getting quite close and he went mental and said I was heartless to accuse her of that after all she'd been through. I felt awful and so left it.
Anyway I recently stumbled upon some private messages between them where he's slagging off a holiday I had booked and she's agreeing with him that it sounded shit and in future he should go to her and she'd advise him on stuff like that!!! Then last weekend we were away (funnily enough in the place where she visits her own partner often) and she was there at the time. DP asked her if her and her partner would like to meet up with us and she suggested that he "Lose" me around the shops, she'd "Lose" her partner in the bar and her and DP could "catch up properly" over coffee.

Am I being overly paranoid here?? I don't want to accuse the woman of anything as I know she's had a hard time but if she IS coming onto him, what can I do without sounding heartless??

Well I wish I had snooped on my husbands phone before the many messages a day flying backwards and forwards daily between his 'friend' at work became sexually suggestive.Thankfully her partner did.We recovered and stayed together after a lot of hard work as a couple and him 'getting it' ie. how hurtful and inappropriate such secrecy is.Ironically I was very laid back about his female friends,all the others lovely and truly platonic.
To put it bluntly this OW was a different type from the start as I can gather.And yes I do blame her,and my DH at the time of course,not the man he is now after a lot of soul searching.
But he never said anything negative about me or our life together, just masses of flirting.If he had I would have found it even harder to forgive.He knows I will never look at his phone still,did for months but tbh don't want to now.If he ever disrespects me like that again somehow I feel I will find out anyway and that would be the end.
You deserve more respect and this woman should be told firmly to back off IMO.

How much respect do you think he has for you?

My ex did the whole 'not mentioning she had a BF to randomers'. One of a few red flags which, with hindsight, I should have spotted as 'she doesn't respect me'. Thankfully she cheated on me before we got in too deep.

Sorry to say, but there seems to be a very similar pattern going on with your DP. You may want to seriously evaluate how much he respects you before taking the relationship further.

No, this has gone over into the area of inappropriate friendship where he is spending time with and confiding with her, and this is infidelity territory.

I would suggest you go over to the Shirley Glass quiz and confront him with it, and warn him that he is vulnerable like all people are and he is moving to disloyalty and feelings for others.

You see, when his cock finds itself in her vagina when he finds that he has crossed the line into betrayal, he will say that 'it just happened'. But it doesn't. It starts like this, getting deeper and deeper into intimacy and sharing feelings.

Also, give him a boundary. You can't stop the infatuation, you can't. But you have to warn him clearly what he will become (a liar and a cheat) and to ask him to make the choice before he does that.

I suppose what I am saying is that you have no control over the outcome, but you can have dignity and protect yourself from being catastrophically hurt.

There is a good essay by Linda J Macdonald entitled 'what will you become?' which tells people contemplating an affair the terrible cost. It doesn't pull any punches at all.

People who are saying this is nothing and OP shouldn't 'snoop', you clearly have never been cheated on. All the people who have, are spotting the signs. People don't wake up and say to themselves 'I'm going to have an affair and blow my world apart!' It starts LIKE THIS.

So for one who 'trusted' her H for 2 years - which basically let him do whatever he wanted, have his cake, eat it AND lick the plate,

please don't talk about stuff you don't understand.

THIS BEHAVIOUR IS ABOUT THE CHARACTER OF THE CHEATER, NOT THE STATE OF THE RELATIONSHIP. IF I had moved to protect myself in the way OP has, a lot earlier instead of having the trust you say is vital for a relationship, I would have saved myself a lot of hurt, cruel uncaring behaviour and trauma. I would have given him boundaries, let him know I know (lies and secrecy are what make affairs happen) and moved away from his infatuated behaviour.

You are 100% wrong. OP is doing the right thing right now, she is rightly spotting the wierd behaviour - HIS wierd behaviour, the signs that he is getting emotionally focussed on someone else [the sex follows soon after], the signs you don't understand because it hasn't happened to you - and taking steps to find out what is going on and checking the REALITY ON THE GROUND. It's happening, and she needs to be real not in 'hope and trust' land.

So after she sent the 'let's lose them' message, did he actually try to 'lose' you? Or didn't he act on that but you just found out about her suggestion afterwards? I'd like to know whether he actually took up the suggestion or not. He is not behaving well, either way, but how far has it gone...

Chick, its a slippery slope. They kid themselves they arent' doing anything wrong, but they want just a little bit more...

he is well into cheating territory, let the experienced ones like HotChoc warn you.

It is your partner who owes you faithfulness. It sounds as though she is being quite flirty, he has made a point of including you in response. Snooping will drive you mad, people say all kinds of stupid things out of uncomfortableness etc. Ignore the woman, no matter how flirty she is she cannot make your partner do anything he does not want to do. If you think, and I can't see why on the basis of this, there is a real reason he may be tempted then that is the problem not anything to do with the woman I think. Either because you are not trusting him or because he is untrustworthy. I would say you need to explore this together and you need to stop driving yourself mad by snooping.

Btw, I have been cheated on extensively in several relationships. Xp (ds1 and dd1 dad) slept with over 20 women during the 3 years we were together.

I have learned that the cheating is the problem of the affair haver not their partner. You cannot and should not take responsibility for it by trying to talk them out of it etc... It is a hiding to nothing and just prolongs the agony. If unfaithfulness is a deal breaker you need to be clear about that (most people are anyway) and rather than trying to control an untrustworthy partner's behaviour or becoming bitter and untrusting and suspicious you give your trust and then stand strong in ending the relationship if it is broken.

"IME... when women friends get together with other women friends they do nothing else but slag off their husbands and partners!!!"

Jesus, really?

I can't imagine anything more tedious.

My friends don't either. I'd consider it disloyal. An occasional comment fine, non stop slagging off either get a divorce or shut up and lighten up.

I rarely post here but this has red flags for me too.

My XP had several female friends, with whom he had very intensive friendships. These women were vulnerable and 'needed' him (I was also vulnerable when we got together but then I grew a pair ). Because I was happy and well adjusted, I was expected to let them come before our relationship - including asking permission for me to accompany them on a night out. He would spend his time texting them, giggling over their comments, rushing to their rescue. I was miserable. I knew that something was going on but he constantly told me that it was me with the problem. Unfortunately I didn't know the phrase 'emotional affair' at the time.

About 24hrs (if that) after our relationship finally finished he was with one of them (she dumped him a week later )

I guess what I'm trying to say is go with your gut instinct on this one - if you are unsettled/suspicious, then you probably have grounds to be. Don't let him play the cancer card, as sad at it is, it doesn't mean that morals no longer apply. Nip this in the bud now...

Offred is absolutely right. That is why I said to you there is nothing you can do about it [to stop the infatuation]. I hope you saw my advice as 1. confirmation that your instincts/sense of self (and not your argueing w yourself) is correct, and 2. take steps to protect your self and self-respect. This is ALL about him.

Thing and Rebecca, you are so right! It is a thing only women do, and not men. I have heard it called 'the bitter bitches club' where women get together to slag off men, but at no time do they make moves to leave them or take responsibility. It is a type of victim thinking. Whenever I post on forums steps or needs to be taken to own some of the stuff, you should watch the flaming!!! But thats fine.

However in this case [he is making moves to connect with another] it is not a case of 50% 50%. She has to have the courage to name what is happening (her abandonment) and take steps to protect herself. When someone focusses on someone else, there is no relationship to work on at that time.

FWIW, I definitely think this woman is being inappropriate and making overtures to your DP. She may not necessarily want an affair with your DP, she may just enjoy the power over another woman or be looking for an ego boost or some attention.

re. your DP's behaviour - its not great, but then he could just be enjoying the attention himself (without intending to have an affair) and that is why he has not nipped it in the bud. I think the fact that he said to her to add you to FB indicates that he is trying to indicate to her that he is taken. I don't think his behaviour has been that bad, although would be worried that he got cross when you brought her up in conversation, but he could just be annoyed taht you are ruining his fun (i.e. what he views as harmless flirtation / ego stroking for him).

I must say i would definitely feel uncomfortable about her behaviour. Have you thought about adding her to your FB and sending her some "friendly" messages etc.