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Original poster

What would you do?

72 replies

someoldfrenchslapper · 22/05/2012 18:12

I'm 37 weeks pregnant and have been married for 6 years. I've been out with DD (3yo) all day as we have workmen in trying to finish the house before the new baby arrives.

We came back from the park and she wanted to watch tv (currently covered in a dustsheet whilst the plasterer works around it!) so I set her up on my laptop in the soon-to-be baby's room where DH has been sleeping whilst he work goes on. Thought I'd browse a couple of baby bits on his iPad whilst I had the chance to put my feet up.

DH mentioned last night that he was deleting Facebook from his iPad as the application is crap on there. So when I clicked on the link I thought it would take me to a general FB login page but it didn't, it took me to his page. And his inbox.

Seemingly last night after he'd gone to bed he emailed an ex-colleague from years ago (1997). Basically some old french slag that he once shagged when he was 23. She is, by all accounts, still an old slag.

The conversation started off innocently enough - where do you live now, are you married etc etc but then they started talking about 'that night'. The tone got flirtier and he mentioned that he's in London most week nights and she joked that they should have a menage a trois (she also shagged one of his mates way back then). He kept saying that he would get into trouble and that his iPad wasn't very private. The conversation ended with him saying they should take it to email and delete the FB conversation. He'd mentioned me earlier in the conversation and asked if she knew me (I used to work for same company), he also told her we have a dd and another on the way and said I was 'great'. that was before the flirting started.

I was shaking when I found all of this and inside I'm fuming. Initially I was tempted to reply to their conversation on his part so he'd see it and know that I knew but part of me wants to leave it another night and see if the conversation carries on and if they actually plan anything. It will be so hard not to say anything tonight though. What would you do? Confront him now or wait until there's more,if any, ammunition. Or if it's gone quiet are they carrying on over email?

God, he's such a male cliche.

OP posts:
HecateTrivia · 22/05/2012 18:17

I think you're calling the wrong person names.

I would print it out and serve it to him on his dinner plate in place of food.

lowestpriority · 22/05/2012 18:18

Personally, I don't think you have anything to worry about, as your DH mentioned you, your DC and your soon to arrive DC. He also said you were great, so it's not like he wanted her to think he was single and free.
She sounds like a real nightmare, one of those who can't take the hint.
I would mention this to your DH in a jokey manner. Don't forget to add she sounds really sad and a bit of a bunny boiler.

5starGeneralLauraPalmer · 22/05/2012 18:21

Yuck. Just yuck.

She's not the one who is married to you, he is - don't take it out on her. She's not the cheater.

I like the above suggestion of serving the truth up to him on a plate. He will squirm and feel like a total shit. Which he should.

bumbleymummy · 22/05/2012 18:25

Another vote for printing it out here but I'm not sure I would let him know that I know straight away or whether I would keep snooping. Do you have access to his email?

lowestpriority · 22/05/2012 18:27

Sorry OP...read your post again and it does seem a bit wrong.
For a start, DH initiated the chat with sending her an email. Then he suggested deleting the convo and going to email....can you read his emails to see what transpired later?
TBH it has practically shredded my marriage with my DH constantly chatting up his female friends on Facebook. My DH sees no harm but it all depends on how you feel about it. Can you live with a permenant flirt?

SquishyCinnamonSwirls · 22/05/2012 18:33

I'd be logging in and checking his email.
Sorry to hear you're having this added stress.

izzyizin · 22/05/2012 18:40

There won't be any more indiscreet chat on FB as they've already taken it to their personal email.

This needs to be nipped in the bud; act on Hecate's advice, print off the conversation, serve it up to him instead of dessert and, if you don't have it already, ask him to give you his email password so that you can gauge whether he has any intention of getting his leg over with his old flame while you're carrying his 2nd dc.

Resist any temptation to scream and shout as keeping your tone of voice cool and calm will worry him far more than any overt display of anger at his stupidity/callousness/deceit/underhandness (insert adjective of your choice).

Original poster
someoldfrenchslapper · 22/05/2012 18:54

Thank you all for the quick responses. I agree, the anger should be directed at him rather than her - she's not worth the effort. I think she likes to think of herself as some sort of femme fatale and to be fair she didn't really start taking it down the flirty route. It all started because he'd commented on a photo of her in a bikini in Africa (which I think was where their
fling took place)

I checked his hotmail as that's open on his iPad too and nothing on there but I assume he's given her his work email on his blackberry as that is private. Even if I knew the password for that (I have an idea but not sure) I'm a bit crap at working it - no idea how to access blackberry email!

Email is slow if you're wanting a bit of banter though which is why i think it may continue on FB as that's a bit more instant.

He's on his way home now. Think i will act normal and keep busy tonight and see if there's anything new on iPad in the morning (unless I manage to crack the blackberry before then)

OP posts:
Original poster
someoldfrenchslapper · 22/05/2012 18:55

Oh, and the idea of printing it out is a great one but we've recently thrown the printer away. Gah! I may have to look for a local internet cafe!

OP posts:
DeltaEcho · 22/05/2012 18:59

He contacted her - he's fishing.

It does matter that he told her about you + the children. He was testing the water to see if she would still engage with him knowing he was married with a family. He got the green light on that, and suggested they take the conversation to email.

This doesn't look good, I'm sorry.

Houseofplain · 22/05/2012 19:01

I don't see what more evidence you need? He's already offered up the sex chat via email. As he knows it's wrong and he shall get into trouble. It's a done deal.

She isn't the one you should be calling names here or suggesting she is a femme fatale.

Your husband is the one who facebooked her, messages her, initiated the flirty chat, initiated the move to email. All whilst his pregnant wife was upstairs. She is the least of your worries, if it wasn't her, it was going to be someone else. The problem is him.

bumbleymummy · 22/05/2012 19:07

Copy it and email it to yourself then - just in case he deletes it.

Original poster
someoldfrenchslapper · 22/05/2012 19:28

I'll try and copy it tomorrow. He's home now, seemed a little cagey at first (emailing her from train??) but has reverted to normal since. Just tried logging into his Blackberry in the loo but I don't know the password, damn. Maybe I can try and catch it after he's used it at some point and then look before it logs out.
God, I really don't need this stress. Poor DD has just sat and watched tv all afternoon since I found all this.

OP posts:
BelieveInPink · 22/05/2012 19:35

Blackberry email is dead easy, it's right there at the bottom of the home screen.

I would wait til he's just set it down but a) he will have deleted any exchanges unless he's stupid as well as an arsehole and b) he is not likely to leave it lying around even if he's deleted everything just in case she emails him right then.

I take it some men are so blatant that they don't bother to delete stuff, so hopefully that's what will happen.

Houseofplain · 22/05/2012 19:36

Just ask him outright for the password? As you know he's gone over to email and no ifs no buts. If he refuses, well you have your answer.

bumbleymummy · 22/05/2012 19:37

Can you not use his iPad while he's there? I would try to forward them sooner rather than later in case he deletes them. If you go into messages there is an 'Actions' drop down. 'forward' is the second option down. When you click it, you can just tick the messages you want to forward and send them to your email address.

GiantPuffball · 22/05/2012 19:39

You need to dig further.

ToryLovell · 22/05/2012 19:40

I have to agree with DeltaEcho. So sorry you are having to deal with this - it is shit at any time, but while pregnant it seems like he is doubly repugnant

bringbacksideburns · 22/05/2012 19:47

I would be so furious i don't think i could wait.

I'd be inclined to go on there and type
'Too late. Your 37 weeks pregnant wife has already read it.'

chipsandmushypeas · 22/05/2012 19:50

Sounds like the start of something when he said take it to private emails.

Agree with Hecate dinner plate idea. What a bastard.

Original poster
someoldfrenchslapper · 22/05/2012 21:34

Rats! He just nipped out to the shop and left his iPad right next to me. Hardly covering his tracks is he? I ticked all 222 boxes of the conversation thread between them and tried to fwd it to my own FB address and it wouldn't click on my name, bloody machine just froze. Then he came home. I threw it down in fit of panic but then picked it up again (supposed to be looking on Which website for new washing machine and he's already logged in on his iPad so I always use that) He didn't seem phased when I sat there with it. Shows how stupid he is - he's deleted FB from his desktop but doesn't realise he's still logged in. His blackberry is staying firmly in his pocket though.

I did read through it all again and she kept saying 'you're going to get into trouble over nothing etc '. He was the one who suggested private email. From the gist of the thread he was the one who was wanting a bit of a late night dirty conversation. Cheap thrills and titillation. Sad bastard.

OP posts:
chipsandmushypeas · 22/05/2012 21:36

How the hell have you managed to not say anything?!

Original poster
someoldfrenchslapper · 22/05/2012 21:38

bringback - good idea, thank you. If there is anything else on there in the morning then that's what I'll do. Make them both squirm.

I'm managing to act incredibly normal so far this evening.

OP posts:
Original poster
someoldfrenchslapper · 22/05/2012 21:40

Chips I'm having to bite my tongue. Mostly because I want to see if there is any more 'activity' on FB this evening. If not I will still confront tomorrow, most likely by doing the above.

OP posts:
lowestpriority · 22/05/2012 21:43

Oh God, OP, how shit for you! My DH is superglued to his iphone, even charges it up next to his bed, so I have no chance of looking at it. Sounds like your DH is exactly the same.
222 posts between them....fucking hell, that is serious flirting.
I feel for you.