What would you do?

[someoldfrenchslapper]

I'm 37 weeks pregnant and have been married for 6 years. I've been out with DD (3yo) all day as we have workmen in trying to finish the house before the new baby arrives.

We came back from the park and she wanted to watch tv (currently covered in a dustsheet whilst the plasterer works around it!) so I set her up on my laptop in the soon-to-be baby's room where DH has been sleeping whilst he work goes on. Thought I'd browse a couple of baby bits on his iPad whilst I had the chance to put my feet up.

DH mentioned last night that he was deleting Facebook from his iPad as the application is crap on there. So when I clicked on the link I thought it would take me to a general FB login page but it didn't, it took me to his page. And his inbox.

Seemingly last night after he'd gone to bed he emailed an ex-colleague from years ago (1997). Basically some old french slag that he once shagged when he was 23. She is, by all accounts, still an old slag.

The conversation started off innocently enough - where do you live now, are you married etc etc but then they started talking about 'that night'. The tone got flirtier and he mentioned that he's in London most week nights and she joked that they should have a menage a trois (she also shagged one of his mates way back then). He kept saying that he would get into trouble and that his iPad wasn't very private. The conversation ended with him saying they should take it to email and delete the FB conversation. He'd mentioned me earlier in the conversation and asked if she knew me (I used to work for same company), he also told her we have a dd and another on the way and said I was 'great'. that was before the flirting started.

I was shaking when I found all of this and inside I'm fuming. Initially I was tempted to reply to their conversation on his part so he'd see it and know that I knew but part of me wants to leave it another night and see if the conversation carries on and if they actually plan anything. It will be so hard not to say anything tonight though. What would you do? Confront him now or wait until there's more,if any, ammunition. Or if it's gone quiet are they carrying on over email?

God, he's such a male cliche.

There was a lot of general banter to start with - with her saying she hasn't changed, could never get married as she likes her 'me time' - he even said at this point that he often tries to think of ways that I could have more me time

It's the whole taking it onto private email thing that bothers me. And the fact that he initiated it. Dirty swine.

" he even said at this point that he often tries to think of ways that I could have more me time"

...may not be untrue but he was also trying to make himself sound appealing to her.

I feel for you. I found similar and kept quiet and it swiftly moved to a full blown affair (I was 8 months along). At times, I regretted not nipping it in the bud (I sat and waited too) but overall, I'm glad I let him do as he intended. He showed his true colours and had I nipped it in the bud, I never would have been sure of whether he would have progressed their relationship or not.

In the end (and it was the end), I knew exactly what and who I was dealing with.

On a practical note, if he is intent of having a flirty chat, it is going to be msn/skype or bbm (assuming she has a Blackberry), not regular email. You will also be able to see what address he sends to her on the fb messages unless he has her phone number to phone or text her with it. Likewise you will know if she has sent him and address.

I would take the advice of Hectate and Izzin. Take your time, gather your evidence, keep your cards close to your chest and see what he has to say for himself.

Personally I would have it out, tell him to show you his emails NOW. Why wait for more? It will just stress you and hurt you more, you don't need that now.

Don't confront him yet, if you give the game away he may take this underground. Play ignorant and gather your evidence and then BAM hit him with it. Sorry this is happening to you OP at a time when you should be looking forward to adding to your family and being happy.

is she's saying to him that he will into trouble over nothing, she obviously doesn't plan to meet up or even do flirting, so what's there to wait for? He should be told already so that he can feel ashamed, and to stop his fantasising process.

if she's saying

I disagree with 'wait and gather evidence' she already has evidence and should nip this in the bud. What if op waits too long and they end up meeting? What then?

How crappola for you, OP.

If you can manage it, I would hold back, gather information and then decide what you want to do (if the situation develops).

Your DH should know this is not on without you having to spell it out to him. If not, you are going to spend the rest of your life keeping your eye on him. Jeez, you are 37 weeks pregnant ffs!

Stay strong. It sounds like you are handling this incredibly well given the circumstances.

x

Not being funny but she is term. 37 weeks. If its gone anywhere, it's gone to bbm. She dosent have time on her side. I agree with chips. Imagine biding your time about to give birth and being in hospital not knowing who he is dirty talking to in the hope of thrills or a shag.

How to mess with your head in a hormonal and stressful time. It's plain as day what he said. Just call him on it.

I've just worked out that he was having this conversation whilst I was out at an antenatal breastfeeding session last night. A session that he was supposed to attend, that all the other partners attended but I made the excuse that we couldn't get childcare (partly true) so he wouldn't have to sit through it again.

The conversation obviously ended on FB after I got home - whether it carried over to email then or not I don't know. AND he made a point of stating that he was no longer going to use FB on his iPad - was that to put me off ever trying to check mine on there?

I'm trying to gather as much evidence in as shorter space of time as I can. I'm not even sure I want him at the birth now.

She is an air hostess and likely to jet off again at some point so I think the communications will be intermittent ie it'll go quiet whilst she's away. Being 37 weeks (DD arrived at 38) I don't feel like I have much time to ride it out though. He's on his blackberry now (emailing his brother seemingly) It is so tempting to ask to look at it and have it out with him.

My advice would be not to let on that you suspect anything. I did just that and my DH changed all his passwords so I am completely in the dark about what he is up to.
Keep shtumm and keep watch on him, see if it goes anywhere. If he knows you are onto him he will just lockdown and then you will never find out anything.

I really don't think he's risk losing his family including a new child for the sake of some old slapper, is he?! If he knows that OP is on to him now, he'll stop what he's doing pronto - he's not crazy is he? he's not in love with that ex either. To him it's likely to be a bit of fantasising, not something he'll go to great lengths to do - also he'll know OP will watch and notice any unusual behavoiur from now on. I'd definitely have it out with him, before the birth starts!!

he'll risk

But that;s exactly what cheaters do every day isn't it? They risk losing their families for a bit of ego stroking that goes too far!

if he never cheated before, and it's an ex reminding him of old times, I don't think there is a serious intent to cheat (or even half serious). Unless of course there is history of cheating.

Mine had never cheated before and did when I was 8+ months pregnant. Believe the 'unbelievable'. Denial and naivety have no place in bringing reality to light.

yes she shouldn't go into denial but confront him now, why let it go further when at this moment it's very easy to stop? if she wanted to try and test him by letting things develop, surely a week before the birth is not a great time!
Hyper sorry to hear about that - horrendous!

I've had several married blokes come on to me in the past (long time ago thankfully!). None of them had any intention of leaving their wife and family because all of them admitted off that they were only really after a roll in the hay. I hasten to add this was after I had told them to sod off.

Because waiting it out is quite different from denial likeatonofbricks (and thank you, it was!).

I agree that time is of the essence in a sense - The one thing I would like to add and I'm sorry for throwing it into the mix but OP, if at any point prior to birth you have any inkling that sexual contact even might have taken place between them, pop to your local GUM pronto. There was an awful story on MN some while back about a heavily pg lady (and her baby in utero) being given an std by the straying father...

I'm confused why you are trying to gather more evidence, this is your relationship not a soapie.

You say to him straight; while I was out last night I see you initiated contact with x, flirted, suggested meeting up in London and then moved the conversation to your email do I wouldn't find out.

You calmly explain that as you're 37 weeks pregnant you demand to know what is going on and if he should be looking for alternative accommodation as if you will be a single parent you need to make plans.

If you lay it out like this there will be no games and no confusion about how innsppropriate his communication with her was and how seriously it affected you.

He is being a total idiot and when I confront him I am certain that he will be the first to admit this. I know him well enough to know that he doesn't give a toss about the woman in question, she was easy pickings. He has joked about her in the past and he knows her reputation. It was a one night stand she was much older than him and she initiated it. So I imagine there was an element of fantasy and wondering if she is still 'game'.

Turns out she wasn't game initially, reminding him he is married etc but after a little flirting and coaxing he offered his email address (although not on the thread) and she gave him hers. Who knows what that lead to. Without asking outright to see his work email I have v little way of finding out. And as previously mentioned - if it wasn't her it could easily have been someone else.

The fact that he has taken it private (I assume) and asked her if she ever gets up to London makes me feel very uneasy. It could just have easily been an anonymous girl on a forum but the question is why flirt and choose to talk dirty with someone else if you love your wife? Why risk your marriage and your family?

But then if you've not had sex with your wife since she fell pg (not my choosing at all, he seems totally turned off by pregnancy) and would rather masturbate in the shower or into a tissue next to your bed like a sad teenager when you are alone then I guess you will inevitably look for kicks elsewhere. He hasn't once complimented me during this pregnancy, instead he's seemed slightly repulsed by it. In fact, seeing me give birth 3 years ago seems to have put him off having sex with me completely

sleepless you are right. It's not a soap opera and if I wasn't so heavily pg then I might let this go on so I could see if they arranged to meet or if it was a bit of harmless fun and he would come to his senses but I need to ask him why he wanted to take it to private email, if he actually did and what his intentions were from there, straight up. Also why he has showed zero sexual interest in me for so long. You are right, I am 37 weeks pg and I have an absolute right to know what is going on and to let him know that he has lost my trust.

I doubt there will be anymore chat on FB tonight, he fell asleep on the sofa but has since gone to bed with all his phones and his iPad as usual.

For my own peace of mind I think I need to confront him tomorrow. Tempting as it is to let them both know that I know via their little FB chat it could then lead him to delete all his private emails and I would rather ask to see those first to see where the conversation went.

I am so glad I posted on here - you are all are being incredibly supportive and are helping me to gain some clarity

Hypercitical I'm v sorry you went through this too. I barely feel like I've focused on this pg at all (looking after DD, moving to a new area, renovating house etc) and now I have this enormous distraction. The poor baby. I can't imagine what the birth/ next few months will be like now.

Good luck and stay calm and rational, it's a shitty time for you, might get a few other issues sorted too.

Hope you're managing to get some sleep OP

Good luck today OP. You sound amazingly level headed.

I did say wait and gather evidence but from what others have said agree that you probably know enough.

Thank goodness for Mumsnet.