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Relationships

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Original poster

Friends With Benefits - does that mean zero feelings allowed?

23 replies

Challen · 21/05/2012 12:41

Can you explain to me what 'friends with benefits' actually means?

Can it happen between two friends who are already very fond of eachother, where one would dearly love to be his girlfriend and he knows this, but whilst he also expresses he too would dearly love her to be his girlfriend, his past hurt has paralysed him into ever considering this, but whilst she will reluctantly go against her better morals to sleep with him because she is so fond of him, he is also a little reluctant because he too has impeccable morals but happy nonetheless to begin sleeping with her because of all the above?

OP posts:

anyfuckersfanjo · 21/05/2012 12:43

No, that would be where the male is very cleverly manipulating you so that he can enjoy sex with you and countless others and playing with your emotions.

hopkinette · 21/05/2012 12:46

^ agree.

suzikettles · 21/05/2012 12:47

What they said.

confusedgypsychick · 21/05/2012 12:57

Agree with anyfuckersfanjo. If he wanted you to be his girlfriend you would be his girlfriend. As it stands your just a warm moist place to put it till he finds someone he actually likes.

defineme · 21/05/2012 12:58

Have seen this so many times. It never ends well... He will eventually find someone who he fancies enough to get past his issues-it will not be you. Sorry to be blunt, but you will spend years hanging around feeling shit about this unless you stop it, pull yourself together and move on.

Abitwobblynow · 21/05/2012 13:00

Fanjo puts it so perfectly, there is not really anymore to add.

Don't do this.

BelieveInPink · 21/05/2012 13:13

One person will get hurt in this and it won't be him.

A person can be cautious if they've had a bad experience in a relationship, but they don't step into bed with someone at the same time. If he was genuinely being cautious he'd keep you at arms length.

I don't believe in FWB. One or the other is bound to get feelings at one point, unless both are actual robots.

He is getting friends with benefits. You're in too deep as it is. Stop it now.

izzyizin · 21/05/2012 13:13

His past hurt has paralysed him? Would that be from the neck up or the neck down?

If the former, any benefits derived from the friendship will be entirely his.

If the latter and his dick still works, any paralysis can only be said to be partial.

He has impeccable morals? Seems to me he's a bloke looking to get his leg over without inconveniencing his emotions.

hollie25 · 21/05/2012 13:14

what fanjo said
(sorry)

SadSoma · 21/05/2012 13:29

Avoid. Like the plague. Are you very young? I'm an old bint and have plenty of experience of men such as these. Wouldn't touch with a barge-pole these days :)

Original poster

Challen · 21/05/2012 13:55

No, sadSoma, in my 40s.

On paper it looks very cold, of course. AF He is not that type of man at all
But actually, I do sympathise with the past hurt he has experienced and take that into consideration. He is very honest about his limitations in this matter.

Ultimately, I just needed to confirm what two other posters have said below, because this is my rational response.

'If he wanted you to be his girlfriend you would be his girlfriend'
'He will eventually find someone who he fancies enough to get past his issues-it will not be you'

The idea of throwing away a beautiful opportunity to spend physical time with someone I care for is a dilemma for me, but if nothing else, this whole thing has shown me that after 3 years I am ready to begin opening myself up to the possibility of finding love again, it's just sad that I find a wonderful man, but this option is not available to me. C'est la vie

But ... would one night in his arms really matter? Can it be done? I wonder ...

OP posts:

cuteboots · 21/05/2012 14:00

SadSoma- Covers everything I was thinking. Walk away very fast

suzikettles · 21/05/2012 14:12

Sorry, it sounds a bit like you're falling in love with love and are getting v romantic and misty eyed about this.

The hard facts aren't so pretty. Listen when a man tells you these things. Don't try to read between the lines or come up with a romantic star-crossed lovers idea of the situation.

By all means sleep with him, but it will just be sex and it'll probably get messy and you'll probably lose your friendship and you'll probably get your head and your heart all messed up.

And he.... will walk away not understanding why it all got so complicated, because in his head it's simple - he's just not that into you (sorry for the cliche).

HazleNutt · 21/05/2012 14:17

No don't do it, really. FWB only works if neither party is interested in a relationship with the other and this is not the case here. If you want to be his girlfriend, you cannot expect to have sex and not become even more emotionally attached. Yes, you will start imagining that there is more. And you will get hurt once he finds someone else and decides that he actually does want a girlfriend, just not you. Been there, was not fun.

Helltotheno · 21/05/2012 14:20

One night in his arms would be absolutely fine if you just fancy a shag. Anything else, not in your case, no. Walk away now while your feelings are intact and you might at least salvage the relationship as a friendship.

izzyizin · 21/05/2012 14:55

If you're looking for love you won't find it in his arms and if you've got to overcome your 'better morals' to shag him, you're unlikely to feel good about yourself the next day (or days as the case may be if you go back for more).

If you're unable to separate your need for phsical intimacy and your need for monotonous monogamous coupledom, embarking on a fwb relationship with a man you are romantically inclined to will end in tears.

There's no harm in that as such; life's a learning curve and it's to be expected that there will be a few tears along the way, but if becoming a fwb is likely to diminish your self-respect and/or self-esteem you're best advised to avoid these relationships.

It seems to me that you're keener than him than he is on you - and he knows it.

Play it cool. Make like you've given him up on him being able to fulfil your romantic needs

ErikNorseman · 21/05/2012 22:34

That's not friends with benefits
That's a woman taking the crumbs from the table because she thinks either she can't do any better, or those crumbs will turn into an invitation to the full meal. You deserve more than crumbs from his table.

TheEndIsntInSight · 21/05/2012 22:48

Is 'one night in his arms' worth the heartache that may follow? Are you prepared for the fact that he may not see you the same way afterwards or he may feel guilty for taking advantage of the situation and distance himself? Where will your friendship be then?
Only you can work this one out, but do it with all the possibilities in mind.

HidingFromDD · 21/05/2012 22:55

Take it from my experience and run like the wind. You'll only end up getting more and more emotionally involved, telling yourself you can handle it, while he tells you that he 'cares' for you, but is scared/has been hurt/is working on his issues. have sex now (and it will be great sex) and every time you walk away he'll give those strings a little tug, hint that he may be moving forward and you'll end up right back in the same place.

It's not worth it, find someone who is good enough for you and not going to leave you in a total headf**k

Gay40 · 21/05/2012 23:04

FWB as I see it is where you have two friends, who sometimes have sex. It isn't monogamous, it isn't a relationship, it isn't exclusive, you do actually like each other but you don't want a relationship and the trappings therein.
It can be done, I've done it and know others that have.
Where it doesn't work is where one half secretly wants more.

Original poster

Challen · 21/05/2012 23:20

'Are you prepared for the fact that he may not see you the same way afterwards or he may feel guilty for taking advantage of the situation and distance himself? Where will your friendship be then?'

TheEndIsntInSight

Thankyou, this is why I like to moot, for the diversity of opinion, avenues fo thought I may never otherwise have arrived at, and this is another. No, TheEnd, that never occurred to me and it's a very, very, very good point.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/05/2012 07:35

You see, if it was me, I'd go for it. :) Just once on a 'no strings' basis - it's never going to be 'love' - but I'd shag the guy and then walk into the sunset. Use them before they can use you. I don't think it would necessarily destroy the friendship... everyone's a grown-up. You may discover he doesn't live up to the fantasy. You may find this man with 'past hurt' and 'impeccable morals' (is he a vicar or something?) is just as fallible and human as anyone else. You may get your heart broken. But it's better to scratch the itch and find out than waste any more time pointlessly mooning over a crush or be lying on your death bed thinking 'I wish I'd shagged Mr Perfect that time...'. Life's very dull if you don't act on impulse occasionally.

izzyizin · 22/05/2012 08:52

In your circumstances there wouldn't be any tortured navel-gazing for me either, Challen.

If they're unattached and I fancy the pants off them, they're fair game. And I don't need tissues to dry my tears afterwards.

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