Was I abused?

[bushymcbush]

When I was just turned 12, I camped out in the back garden one night with a friend. A boy of 17 - nearly 18 - (lets call him A) who lived nearby came to the tent with alcohol and stayed for hours. He got into my sleeping bag with me. I was thrilled that he was paying me so much attention - I'd known him all my life and he had always seemed very aloof and grown-up in my eyes. He'd never paid me any attention before. I let him kiss me. I let him touch my (tiny) breasts. At some point he took my hand and put it on his erect penis. I can't remember if he asked my permission for this - I do remember feeling very shocked.

A few months later, I suddenly decided to tell a tale to my parents that I had been raped by a stranger the night I had camped out. I knew it wasn't true but I didn't know why I was saying it. I just felt desperate for someone to notice me. I think I wanted to feel their love and protection again.

Whether I was reacting to what A did or not, i'm not sure, because by this time he was regularly visiting me late at night on his way home from the pub. He would throw a little bit of gravel at my bedroom window to wake me and I would sneak out to meet him in an outbuilding at the bottom of the garden. He would do the same sort of things as in the tent. He swore me to secrecy. I thought I was in love with him. I told no-one.

(My parents took me to the doctor, who examined me, found I was a virgin and told them I'd made the rape story up. Nothing was said about it again.)

This went on for 3 years. I lost my virginity to him when I was 14. I never actually got a sexual thrill from any of it. But I did think I was in love with him so I did consent to all of it. He ended it when I started talking about getting dressed up and going to the pub with him now I looked older. I remember well how much that suggestion freaked him out. I was devastated.

We did have a 'proper' relationship a couple of years later, when I was 16 and he was 21. No secrecy this time. I ended it after a few months because A turned out to be a bit of a useless boyfriend and I wanted to go out with another boy.

It's bothering me lately (not the first time - it rears its head from time to time) and I need some outside perspective because I haven't really talked to anyone in RL about it. Was this abuse? Did it start that way and turn into something else? Or was it just inappropriate and ill advised? Or completely normal?

this is hard cause if you were my 12 year old i'd want to kill him -but i know lots of teenagers do engage well before legal and perhaps you were happy at the time - i dont know -you went onto have a 'proper 'relationship so hard to say but if your looking for legal aspects i think i would say no leave it in your past -teenagers sometimes do foolish things -don't dwell on it --sorry i hope you can put it behind you good luck

Because of your age, it would be classed as abuse and a crime.

At the very least it was an inappropriate relationship, the only thing that indicates that it could be this is this still carrying on when you were 16, however but by todays standards what he did was 'groom' you.

Yes you were abused and agree with birds that yes, it was a crime.

He groomed you and molested you when you were too young to stand up to him. When you told your parents you were raped you were telling them (and yourself) what he did to you. You were violated.

Very sorry he did this to you.

yes you were abused.
something similar happened to me and it is awfully confusing. in my case, the boy was somewhat younger, so he was never legally an adult during the abuse. (he was also being sexually abused, it was all very sad)

however in your case and depending on which legal jurisdiction you were in at the time, once he was over 18, he was committing crimes against you. my situation had more shades of grey than yours actually... in your case it's quite black and white. he was grooming and abusing you, he was an adult taking advantage of a child, therefore he was/is a criminal.

when you told your parents you had been raped, you were using language that was available to you at that time to express that your boundaries were being violating and you needed to be rescued. they were so so so wrong not to take you at your word and help you.

Yes, it was abuse. He targeted you because you were young and naive. You were a child, and under the age of consent when it stared and any typical 18 year old would be fully aware of that. That didn't stop him.

How do you feel about it these days?

How do I feel about it these days?

Well, I'm 38 now. When I was in my mid twenties, it suddenly dawned on me what had happened and I felt very angry and upset. I had a bit of counselling but never felt any better / different. And the weird thing was that A still lived close to my parents house and had his own gardening business and my parents employed him. So I sometimes still saw him around when I was visiting and even spoke to him a few times. He once tried it on with me again and I told him no and I felt nothing. I buried all the memories and anger for years after that - thought I was over it really.

Now I'm married with two small children and he still lives close to my parents (I live an hour away). I learned a few days ago that he is very ill in hospital at the moment and might die. So I have been thinking about him a lot, and going over my memories again. And I feel ... confused, crushed, sad, small, stupid.

Stupid for allowing him to do it. Because I don't think he thought it was abuse. I had a choice. He never forced himself on me (apart from possibly when he made me touch him in the tent - I can't remember but I know it felt horrible).

Sad because I think it's changed me forever, and I might have grown up a stronger, more positive, more successful person if I'd have sent him packing at the time.

Sad and small because he is suffering at the moment.

No idea if anything I'm saying makes any sense.

It all makes sense.

I was abused as a child, but then when I was 12 a French boy of 14 was staying with us and we kissed, he felt me up, that sort of thing. I didn't really want it to happen but I did nothing to stop it. It wasn't abuse as such because we were similar in age but I feel the same sort of thing that you do about it. The reason I feel that way, I think, it because my parents should have noticed what was going on and put a stop to it. I technically could have stopped it but I was young and didn't really understand what was going on. I feel very very angry at my parents who should have seen their child was out of her depth and should have stepped in to help her.

You weren't to blame for this. Please know that. He did this knowing you didn't want it and knowing it was wrong. Abusers, even young adult abusers know what they are doing is wrong, they just decide to do it anyway.

Would you expect an 12 year old girl to be able to stand up to a nearly 18 year old boy and stop him molesting her. He came to your tent, you didn't invite him; he brought alcohol (the rapist's tool of choice); he did things to you that shocked you; he molested a 12 year child - you. If this went to court and justice was done, he'd be the one getting a criminal sentence not you.

Sorry you're feeling so bad. Him being ill must have brought up a whole lot of horrible memories. But it wasn't your fault. He was the one who made the choice for this to happen, not you.

Your young self said she was raped. I think you need to listen to her about how violated she felt, and that a crime was committed against her.

One of the reasons it's easier to blame oneself for rape and sexual assault is because otherwise it's necessary to come face to face with the fact that there was nothing you could have done, you were in danger and you were right to acquiesce. If a man is prepared to molest and violate a 12 year old child, what else might he be prepared to do?

Yes you were abused. At that age you were legally unable to consent. You don't have to have fought someone off for it to be rape.

When I was raped I acquiesced. I blamed myself for a long time, and then realised that in the circumstances it had been the safest thing to do. It sounds very much like you did the same thing bushy. Acquiescence isn't the same as consent.

I don't know Nyac. I don't think I acquiesced because it was the 'safest' thing to do. I never thought he would force me. Or hit me or anything like that. What I was frightened of was that he would lose interest in me. I stupidly believed he liked me as a person - or I desperately wanted him to - so acquiescing was in order to keep him interested. I think.

Did your parents ever realise what was happening bushy?

Yes it was abuse.

Your dating him a few years later is not relevant either. He groomed you and so taught you that this was normal. It can take many years to realise how wrong it was.

The fact you did it all voluntarily doesn't mean it wasn't abuse either, that's what grooming does, prepares you to take part and not have to be forced. Most sexual abuse victims are not forced.

Some areas have group therapy for sexual abuse victims which can be very helpful.

What I was frightened of was that he would lose interest in me. I stupidly believed he liked me as a person - or I desperately wanted him to - so acquiescing was in order to keep him interested

Yeah that is common too, especially when its by a family member. You want their love and attention.

When I first realised that it had been very wrong (mid twenties) I did tell my parents what had happened. They were angry but they didn't do anything. They even kept employing him to do the garden. I think I remember my mum saying she didn't know how to speak to him anymore and she didn't particularly want him doing the garden, but his parents were their neighbours and she didn't want to cause difficulties. I think she asked me if I minded if they let him carry on gardening. I did mind at the time - I was angry back then - but I didn't want to make things awkward for my parents. So I said I didn't mind. Nothing more was ever said. My mum died. My dad is still neighbours with A's parents. My dad has never liked A and can barely hide his dislike when in conversation with him (I have witnessed this in the last year) but again, he tolerates him and let's him do the garden to keep the neighbours happy.

The whole topic of A is very awkward between me and dad.

How do you feel now about how your parents reacted?

Let down I think.

I think that's understandable. If you'd like to join, there's an ongoing thread here for people who were abused in childhood. It's a place just to chat how you're feeling, most people will understand without you having to explain yourself much.

How are you doing?

My parents are lovely btw. My dad often goes way beyond the call of duty to support me - practically and financially. But they always kept their noses well out of my relationships. I recently turned to dad for advice about a problem in my marriage. He wasn't very helpful, although he said he'd support me whatever I chose.

I suppose I feel like they didn't protect me properly. But then again, they gave me a lot of freedom because they trusted me. But I also think they didn't (and dad still doesn't) react to my being mistreated by men with any conviction. Maybe I think they were weak and they didn't (and don't) stand up for me as I'd like them to. But maybe at my age I should be standing up for myself.

In what way would you like your dad to stand up for you?

Maybe if they stood up for you when you were younger you'd have seen how to face things in a healthy manner, and so would be able to stand up for yourself now?

You're right to say that most people learn how to stand up for themselves. But how do you learn that if you no-one teaches you?

How would I like my dad to stand up for me now? I'd like him to point out to my dh what he ought to be (and isn't) doing to support his wife and children. (separate issue to this thread though)

You're right 21. Why can't I tell my dh that myself? I haven't got the balls to say it to him.